Igniting the Wild Sparks (69 page)

Resigned to the fact I’m fighting a never-ending battle with her, I step back and heavily sigh. “Get off my ass
.”

“Oh, but I’m okay to use when
you
wanted me to go see her.”

Flinching,
I hurriedly turn my back to her, grumbling, “You did want to see her.”

“Yeah, but that was hard for me! Hadley isn’t going to be in my life anymore because of what you did to her!”

I swing around to face her again. “I wish I could take it back! I should’ve known I was going to do something to mess it up! I’m not even good enough for her! I’ve
never
been good enough! I’m an asshole! I wish I had the balls to be the man she needed!”

“Maybe if you
hadn’t swung them in another woman’s face…”

“Fuck you
, Simone!” I angrily move to pick up a box, taking it to the front door, where Ricky already loaded the rest. Thank God he’s going with me. He took some vacation days, and he’s even thinking about transferring permanently up there with me. Not sure how Shay really feels about that. I haven’t asked. I’m an asshole friend, too.

Again, she tails me. As I turn from the door, she asks, “You actually got an
erection
for that tramp and you put it in her mouth?”

My eyes virtually bug out of my damn head with that question coming from my sister. “Simone! Shut the fuck up or get the hell out of here until I’m gone! I’m not talking to you about that!”

Like all the other women in my life, or were in my life, she doesn’t listen to a word I say.

“I’m just saying. It’s mindboggling because of all the things you made Hadley do with it. You had her stroke your cock in the car at Henlopen, I’m pretty sure you two were banging in your room when I knocked on your door, and you were fucking her outside after church, and
then
Easter morning…”
What?

“Wait. What? Outside?”

She rolls her eyes. “Come on, Finnigan. That heater casts a glow. I could see what you two were doing out there from the kitchen window when I came home.”

I frown and look to the box I was packing, at a loss for words, mostly because I don’t want to think about Becks and I making love under the stars for the last time ever. Then the creepiness factor of my sister watching me have sex hits me.

“…it’s just not right—”

“Hold on. You were watching your brother having sex. How twisted are you?”

“Eww. Not for long. I saw a light outside and could tell Hadley was on top of you. Believe me. I had nightmares thinking about your—”

“Okay. Just stop talking. You’re fucking unbelievable.”

“I think that’s what I heard Hadley say. Totally different context, but…you know.” She sarcastically smiles, knowing she’s pissing me off even more. Damn sisters.

I suck in my lips and clench my fist in front of her face and snarl, “Fucking hell, Simone.”

She rolls her eyes at me, as little sisters do, and I shake my head in disbelief at her before heading back to my room.

She’s behind me, sneering
, “I’ll email Hadley, but I’m not going to tell you anything that she says to me!”

I immediately stop. Spinning around,
Simone jeeringly smiles at me again. I yell, “You said you would tell me if she responds!”

She crosses her arms defiantly. “Nope!”

Licking my lips, my hands are fists again as I impatiently say, “Simone, I need you to watch after her.” Because if she suddenly starts growing a stomach, she’s pregnant with
my
baby, one that
I
put inside her. I want to be a part of my kid’s life, even if I’m not the best father out there. Becks’ mother left her. Fuck if I’m going to be like that lowlife.

“Why? I thought you don’t love her anymore?”

I glare at her. Can’t she just do something she’s told? I stiffly say, “Just keep an eye on her.
Please
?” I’d rather not tell Simone about Becks possibly being pregnant. She’d try to force us back together and Becks deserves to be happy in her new life. I’ll only interfere if my DNA is definitely involved.

“So, you want me to spy on her? Then what?” She walks closer to me. “What happens if she needs you?”

“She won’t.” I’ll need
her
.

“What
if,
Finn? What if Hadley needs you? You two had a love that was so sweet. So real. It didn’t matter if you weren’t married or didn’t live together. You loved her with every modicum of your soul. And so did she. Everyone could feel her love for you. You were soulmates. What you had was rare.”

I glance away from her as my eyes sting
. Fuck. I’m never going to move on if I can’t get my shit together. How will I be able to breathe without Becks? Get through my daily life without her? I won’t. I’ll need something to distract me. A hobby. Yeah, like stamp collecting will make me forget.

I take a cursory look around the room, avoiding my sister
, and say, “If she emails you and says she…” I sigh and put my hands on my hips, flicking my eyes back to her. “I just want to know if she’s happy.”

“I know the answer to that. I saw her face.
She’s not.”

“
She had you fooled.”

“No.
You
had everyone fooled.”

I contemplate that as I go to my dresser. Sighing, I decisively say, “
Becks deserves happiness after the hell I put her through.”

“You shouldn’t have put her through hell. You should’ve put her first.”

“I know. Now she’s found someone who did. She found someone who gave her the one thing she wanted in life: marriage.” I pick up the last box from on top of my dresser, brushing past Simone to take it outside. Ricky’s almost finished loading up his truck. It’s a sobering sight. I thought that if I would be moving, Becks and I would be moving together.

I set the box on the tailgate and Ricky picks it up without a word. At least for now. I know he’ll let the floodgates open later.

I walk back into the apartment to get my things I left on the counter, and she’s still my fucking shadow. She yells, “How can you say that? Yes, Hadley wanted to be married. She wanted to be married to
you
! How stupid are you?”

“
I’m so stupid that the second I’m out of the picture, she marries someone else!”

“The second you thought
she
was out of the picture, you let your cock do the thinking!”

“Get the fuck out of my face, Simone!”

“She wanted
you,
asshole!”

“
Right. She seemed pretty happy in those pictures!”

“Looks can be deceiving! I’ll get to the bottom of it if you won’t!”

I yank her arm, jerking her to me, and growl, “Leave Hadley alone. Don’t even email her. I don’t want to know anything. If I hear you bothered her, I
will
stop paying your rent and utilities, and you can’t afford it. You’ll have to live in the fucking dorms instead of here.”

“Don’t you want to know how she’s doing? Don’t you want to meet her? Call her? Maybe she’ll want to talk to you!”

“She changed her phone number. I can’t call her, and she has mine. She hasn’t called me.”

“I can find her number—”

“Don’t!” Pointing my finger in her face, I angrily warn, “Leave her the fuck alone. I mean it.” I wave my hand to the apartment. “Do you want to live here or the dorms? Mom isn’t going to carry your ass and you know it. However, Ricky has cop friends who will be watching you and reporting back to us. You step out of line and contact her, you’re done. You’ll have to transfer back to your shitty school, not to mention I’ll be severely pissed off with you, so don’t blow your only chance!” His cop friends don’t have that much of a reach. She doesn’t need to know that, though.

“Like
you
did?” She bites the inside of her cheek.

Annoyed she’s mocking me still, I swipe my mouth with my hand and irritably shout, “Yeah! Like
I
fucking did!” I shake my head and exasperatedly say, “Promise me, Simone, that you won’t bother Becks! Hadley…” I edgily sigh, pulling my hand through my hair as I glare at my sister, waiting for her to answer me.

She stares me down, but shakes me off and inevitably snaps,
“Fine! I won’t, but you’re making a fucking mistake!”

Still staring her down, waiting for another smartass comment, I finally look around my apartment once more for anything I missed, but don’t really care if I did. I know she wants to argue with me some more, but I don’t have time for her shit or want to hear anymore of how much of a dick I am. I know this. I’ll be forever reminding myself every time I see the visual reminders I’ll have with me on a daily basis.

I finish gathering the last of my things, ignoring my sister’s death glares. What does
she
know? To Becks, I’m nothing but a liar and a philanderer. I always thought she deserved better than me. Now she can have it. Rodwell and Morgan are right. I owe her that much.

Picking up a plastic bag full of odds and ends I’ll need, I give my sister a quick and tense hug, making her cry. I can’t do this with her again.

I walk fast to my car, thankful I’m riding alone; though, Ricky hasn’t said two words to me today. I know he’s…disappointed…in me. He never wanted me to “follow in his footsteps.” I didn’t set out to do it. It happens. Just like he said his did. I had bitched him out and belittled him for doing such a thing. Then I do the same thing. I guess I didn’t learn a damned thing from his experience or even took my own advice.

I pat
the front of my shirt to make sure my key, Becks’ key, and her ring are still under there. I don’t know when I’ll take them off. Maybe there’ll be a day when I don’t need a piece of her with me. Though, having her name tattooed on me is kind of hard to forget. It’ll always be a reminder of what I used to have and lost. A penance for my sins.

As I merge into
interstate traffic, my mind is all on Becks, as it always will be.

She looked relieved in those pictures. Relieved to be smiling again since she’s rid of me
and my demons?

I fell in love with that smile.

I fell in love with everything about Hadley Bliss Beckett.

I’ll never forget our three years together. I’ll never forget Becks. The first time my lips tasted hers at the chocolate festival. The way her hair had a reddish glow in the sun. Her ponytails swinging around or her loose hair cascading over me. The feel of her hand in mine
and how perfectly our bodies fit together in every way. Kicking the soccer ball around and how I called her
Becks
that first time. The first time she called me
Sparks
at Easter Vigil. Kissing her in front of those women in the bar. Picking her up after my charity race and kissing her, not caring who the hell was watching. The time we played on the beach at Bethany’s. How we made out on the bleachers in swiveled caps and sunglasses when I was supposed to be working. Spending nights on the couch not watching a movie. That makeup sex before my tattoo dare that left my body buzzing for days. Getting my tattoo for her and loving her reaction to it. Going to her apartment after her injury and making love in the moonlight, confessing that I want to be her husband. Her teasing me at Fenwick Lighthouse and then teasing
her
with the two lighthouses at Henlopen. Kissing her at Busch Gardens in front of people watching us. Her lopsided pancakes. Giving her my ring and jacket; my baseball number. The sign she made for me. Kissing her on camera because I couldn’t fucking help myself. Our second date.

After our goodnight kiss on our first date, I couldn’t wait to see her again, so we had planned for dinner the next night. When we were finished with dinner, we headed for the canal walk. I remember not being able to hold off on something else then, too.

“Finn, thank you again for dinner.”

“You don’t have to thank me. I like spending time with you.”

“I thought maybe you’d get tired of me. You spent all day with me yesterday.”

I grinned at her. “Not tired of you.”

“You promise?”

I laughed. “I promise.”
Reaching for her hand, I wove our cold fingers together, forcing my heart to nearly leap out of my chest from the feel of her silky skin on mine. I had never felt that way about any woman. Ever. I’ve had crushes, but this was soul-stirring. She was doing things to me, and I didn’t know how to handle myself for the first time in my life. And even though I was scared like I’ve never been before, I wanted her to know how she made me feel. Why? I didn’t know that, either.

As we walked
along the canal walk amid lit-up, downtown Richmond, I slowed and coaxed her over to the black metal railing, overlooking the Kanawha Canal. The lights’ reflection illuminated the water, making it shimmer in the dark like thousands of flickering candles.

I was so anxious. I had all these new feelings, but
had no clue how to express them or if she’d want to hear them from me yet, if at all.