Illicit: A Forbidden Romance (7 page)

“
W
hat
?” Joss pushed me away and jumped off the bench, snatching her panties off the floor.

“Before she left for Atlanta, she sat me down and discussed marriage. She said she wanted to make this official, make us a real family,” I said, righting my pants. Somehow it felt wrong to have my cock and balls swinging around for this conversation.

“What did you tell her?” she asked, folding her arms across her chest.

“I said I’d think about it. But that was before your birthday, before any of this—” I motioned to the space between us. “—happened.”

Lines etched into her forehead. “You’d be my stepfather.”

“I’m not going to marry her. Obviously. How could you even think that about me?”

“I don’t know!” she cried, throwing her hands up in frustration. “I don’t know what’s happening here, Jake,” she added in a more hushed, but no less biting, tone.

“I don’t either.” I dug my fingers into my hair. “I’m so out of my depth here. My first instinct is to simplify, to make it as straightforward as possible for all parties.”

“Except straightforward means hurting my mom.”

“What do you want more, Jocelyn? Your happiness or your mom’s?”

She looked at me for a long time, her chest heaving, her eyes ringed red. Finally she gave me the answer I’d expected, which was not to say it hurt any less. “My mom. She has to come first.”

“And what? I go back and pretend that nothing ever happened? Act like the good little boyfriend?”

She took in a deep breath and nodded. It didn’t escape my notice that she was blinking back tears. “And I’ll move out,” she whispered. “Give you two some room.”

I shook my head, slashing the air with my hands. “No. That’s not going to happen.”

“If you care about me even a little, you’ll do it.”

“I’m sorry, but no.”

“You have to.”

My feet carried me over to her. I tucked her disheveled hair behind her ears and lifted her face to meet mine. “Lately I’ve done so many things I’m not proud of. I need to do the right thing now.”

She looked up at me, her chin trembling. “If you tell her, you’ll lose us both.”

From the center of my chest came a radiating kind of pain, the thought of hurting Amanda and losing Joss in one fell swoop causing me instant heartburn. “I can’t do it,” I told her gently. “I have to tell her.”

She closed her eyes, a tear leaking out and streaking down her cheek. Her hands came up to cover my own. “Okay,” she said on a whisper.

“Tomorrow.”

She nodded and took in a shuddering breath. “Things are going to change.”

I kissed her forehead. “Don’t worry. We’ll figure this out.”

I
slipped back
into bed just as the sun began to peek through the curtains. I watched Amanda sleep for a time, contemplating what to say, knowing there was absolutely nothing I could do that would ease the sting of betrayal. How could I even begin to explain that not only had I cheated on her, but I’d done it with her own daughter?

I turned away, disgusted with myself.

W
hen I opened
my eyes the next morning, the space beside me was empty. I sat up, looking at the clock on the wall.

Ten a.m.

My eye caught on the pink sticky note on Amanda’s pillow, the words written on it filling me with dread and anxiety.

We have to talk. Tonight. xo

I
spent
most of the day delivering and consulting with clients, caught between making the hours fly by and putting off the inevitable.

With a bouquet of flowers in hand, I came home and found mother and daughter at the dining table. Unseen, I hovered at the doorway and watched as they talked and laughed. It struck me then that I was coming between these two amazing women. I only hoped their relationship was strong enough to withstand what I was about to do.

“Hey, how long have you been standing there?” Amanda asked.

“A few minutes.” I pushed away from the doorjamb and joined them at the table. “I didn’t want to interrupt.”

“You’re not interrupting. I was just telling her about my day,” she said, smiling at her daughter.

Joss flashed me a quick look, and in that one second managed to infuse it with warmth, regret, and dread. I reached over and plucked one red rose from the bouquet and handed it to her.

“Thank you,” Amanda said when I handed her the rest.

“Yeah, thanks,” Joss echoed in a soft voice.

I smiled, watching Joss’s carefully emotionless face as she lifted the rose up to her nose. The very sight of her steeled my nerves and gave me courage.

“Amanda, can we talk? In private?”

Jocelyn’s green eyes flicked up to mine, a look of panic spreading across her face.

“Actually,” Amanda said. “I think Joss should be around for this.”

“For what?” Goosebumps rose on my arms, dread snaking up my spine.

Amanda turned to her daughter, reaching across the table for her hand.

“What is it, Mom?”

“I’ve asked Jake to marry me.”

Joss’s eyes widened, doing her best impersonation of shock. “You did?”

Amanda nodded then turned to me. “I know this seems like we’re moving fast but, in this case, I think it’s warranted considering the situation.”

A cold sweat broke out over my forehead. “What situation?”

Amanda took a deep breath. “Jake, you’re going to be a dad.”

J
oss reacted first
. “What?” she asked, jumping to her feet. “You’re pregnant?”

Amanda nodded with a tentative smile. Her eyes never left my face as I tried my best to keep from freaking out.

I swallowed hard and opened my mouth, but nothing came out.

Joss’s gaze swung around to me, eyes glistening. “You’re going to be a dad,” she breathed.

“Jake?”

It took me a few moments to realize that both women were calling my name.

“Well?” Amanda asked, her eyebrows lifting up in hope.

I looked around the room, still at a loss. A few seconds passed, then thirty, and then it was too late.

Amanda stood up, her eyes red. “I thought you two would be happy.”

“Of course I am,” Joss said, belatedly throwing her arms around her mom’s shoulders. “I’m sorry. I’m just shocked.”

“Not more shocked than Jake,” Amanda said, looking at me through tear-filled eyes.

I felt bad for her—really, I did—and later I might even feel some joy in the prospect of becoming a father, but right then, faced with the woman I wanted and the woman I’d impregnated, I couldn’t think past the thought that I was well and truly fucked.

“I… I need some time.” And without another word, I got up and left the room. My feet carried me through the living room and through the front door, and I got in my truck and drove away.

To leave right then was a dick move, but at that moment I was at a total loss.

“
T
his is
some screwed-up drama llama you’ve got yourself into, big brother,” Tristan said as soon as I’d finished telling him the reason why I was crashing his pad at ten at night. He handed me a beer and dropped onto the couch beside me.

“Shut up,” I said, nearly draining the bottle. I knew the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of a bottle, but I hoped for it anyway. When I’d drained that one, I tried another.

“So what are you gonna do?”

“Would I be here, crashing on your couch, if I knew?”

“Are you gonna split?”

“No,” I said quickly. I couldn’t. As much as I didn’t want to marry Amanda, I knew I couldn’t very well leave her now. She’d been a single parent once before; I wouldn’t do that to her again.

Thinking was impossible when my little brother wouldn’t stop yapping. “So you’ll do the honorable thing and marry her. Meanwhile, you’re secretly pining for her daughter, who will be the big sister to your kid?” He shook his head, chuckling softly. “This is some Days of Our Lives shit.”

I punched his arm. “Shut your face.” I reached for the remote control, hoping to be distracted for a little while.

After a few minutes, Tristan slammed his bottle on the coffee table and stood up. “Come on. Let’s go out.”

“It’s Tuesday night.”

“So?” He slipped his feet into a pair of boots. “Let’s get wasted.”

“And what would that solve?”

“Nothing. Everything. Hell, you never know, you might get some perspective.” He grabbed my hand and pulled me up. “Come on. I’ll get the first round.”

S
everal hours
later we stumbled back in to his apartment, way past the point of cheery inebriation. As soon as he opened the front door I made a beeline for the balcony, barely making it in time before I threw up over the railing.

Some time later, Tristan stuck his head out the sliding door. “You okay?”

From my perch on the cement floor, I gave him a thumbs-up sign.

“You coming in?”

I set my arms on my knees and hung my head between my legs. “Not until I’m done horking.”

“You know I have a toilet, right?”

I waved him away. “Just go.”

I sat out there on my ass for a long time that night, staring up at the barely visible stars in the sky. The balmy, almost musty night air didn’t help with my nausea, but I needed to be alone for a while, needed to pick through the debris of my thoughts, pluck out what was most important, and discard the rest.

I took out my phone and pulled up a picture of Joss, taken when she was reading one of my books on the floor. Her blonde hair was spread out like a halo around her head, her eyes bright as she smiled up at me. Jocelyn Blake was beautiful, smart, and kind-hearted, the kind of woman any guy would be lucky to find. She deserved so much more in her young life.

I flipped back through my photos, finally finding the last photo I’d taken of Amanda during one of our dates. She had been looking off into the distance, a wistful expression on her face. This morning she was the woman I was going to break up with; now she was the mother of my child. How quickly that curveball comes your way.

By the time the sun started its rise over the horizon, I had chosen my fate. And even though it was going to hurt like hell for more than one person involved, I felt certain I was making the right decision.

A
s soon as
I was sober enough to drive, I got in my truck and went back. I walked through the dark house, heading to the master bedroom. I found Amanda in the bathroom, sitting on the edge of the tub with a crumpled tissue in her hand. She looked up when I entered the room but said nothing.

“I’m sorry,” I said, sitting beside her. It felt like all I’d done lately was apologize. “I was… I was in shock.”

She nodded, blowing her nose.

A time machine would have come in handy right about then. But then, I realized I didn’t know how far back I’d go. Would I go back to the moment she told me about the baby so I could change my reaction or would I go as far back as the day I kissed Jocelyn? “I wish you’d told me in private,” I said.

“I know. I kind of ambushed you.” She dabbed at her eyes, giving me a rueful smile. “I was excited.”

“When… how… did you find out?”

“I realized a few days ago that I haven’t had my period in three weeks.”

I took a deep breath and held her hand. “We’re going to be parents,” I said, my voice steady even as my insides rioted.

Amanda looked up at me. “You scared?”

I had woken up this morning thinking my life would change. And, oh boy, was I ever right. “A little. Yeah.”

She squeezed my hand. “Me too.” She looked down at our intertwined fingers. “Jake, about the marriage proposal—I’m taking it off the table. For now.”

“You are?” Despite myself, a little knot loosened in the tangled mess in my chest.

“I figured we should probably deal with the baby first. Take it one step at a time.” She chewed on her lower lip, watching for my reaction. It hurt to see this normally confident woman looking so insecure.

I bent down and kissed her forehead. “I know I left before, but I’m here now, Amanda. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Are you sure?” she asked. “Because I’ve raised a kid on my own before. I can do it again if I have to.”

“You won’t have to,” I said, shaking my head, my resolve growing stronger the longer we talked. “I’m staying right here. This baby is not growing up without a father.”

W
hen I went
to the kitchen the next morning, I found Joss sitting at the table staring into a bowl and spinning a spoon over and over between her fingers.

“Morning,” I said, realizing too late how flippant it sounded, as if our chances of being together hadn’t just blown up in our collective face.

“Mom told me,” she said, her gaze still on the soggy cereal.

“Joss…”

“It’s okay.” Finally she looked up, allowing me a view of the bags under her eyes, the utter exhaustion and resignation in her face. “I think you’re doing the right thing.”

I kept to my side of the room even if all I wanted was to wrap my arms around her. “I’m sorry, Joss. I wish things were different.”

She swiped a hand over her cheek. “My mom’s happy. That’s what’s important.”

“I wish you could be happy too,” I whispered.

She tried a smile but we both knew it was only for show. “I’m going to have a brother or sister. I’m happy about that.” She stood up with the bowl in hand but stopped halfway across the room when she realized she’d have to come near me to get to the sink.

I held out my hand, taking the bowl from her. She recoiled when our fingers touched.

“Joss, I want to explain—”

“You don’t have to explain. You chose the right woman.”

I took a step toward her but she retreated, her eyes flashing. It was the first sign of life I’d seen from her all morning.

“Don’t touch me, Jake. I can’t take that right now.”

“I’m sorry. I’ll try to keep my distance.” But even if I meant every word, I felt deep down the futility of that promise. I would try to stay away from Joss, which is not to say I would succeed.

“What about you, Jake? Are you happy?”

“What do you think?”

We stared at each other, the longing and the regret passing between us like currents. More than anything I wanted to hold her, but more than everything she was forbidden. “How the hell am I going to do this with you around?”

I didn’t realize I’d said the words aloud until Joss said, “I’m moving out soon, so you won’t have to deal with me for very long.”

“Then tell me,” I began in a broken voice, “how the hell am I going to do this without you?”

T
he next few
days were not easy. Joss and I lived in each other’s periphery, maintaining a cautious distance at all times.

But each time we found ourselves in the same room, Joss talked about apartment prospects. Turned out finding an apartment wasn’t as easy as she thought. Or rather, not as affordable, especially here in South Florida where everything had a higher price tag.

But that didn’t stop her from looking. One morning, I found her in the living room with her mom, discussing an apartment listing that she’d seen online.

“You’re not moving to Hialeah.” I took a sip of my coffee. “It’s not safe there.” Hialeah was one of Miami’s more notorious neighborhoods, infamous for its violent streets.

“Not really your say, Jake.” Joss looked up from the couch, throwing me a black look that took me aback. True the last few days had been uncomfortable but she had never shown me any hostility until today.

I planted myself in front of the couch, making myself as formidable as possible. “Oh, I get a say.”

Amanda’s eyes flicked between her daughter and me, no doubt noticing the palpable tension in the room. “I agree with Jake,” she told her daughter. “I really don’t feel comfortable with you living anywhere in South Florida on your own, to be honest.”

“Then I’ll get a roommate.” Her eyes flicked up to meet mine, sparking with challenge. “Maybe I’ll move in with Eli.”

“You think he’ll take you back after what happened?” I asked, unable to keep the smug smile off my face.

Amanda turned to Joss with a frown. “Yeah, what happened? You never told me why he just ditched you at your own birthday celebration.”

Joss’s nose flared as she narrowed her eyes at me. I almost laughed out loud. So sue me, but I was starting to enjoy her discomfort. “Actually, Jake scared him away.”

“I didn’t trust him,” I said simply. “And it seemed my suspicions were on the nose when I saw him trying to dry hump you out in the parking lot.”

Amanda’s jaw dropped. “Ja—” She stopped and turned to her daughter. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Joss flipped the laptop shut and stood up, choosing to flee again instead of fight. “Because we were just kissing. Everyone does it.” She turned to me with fury and hurt in her eyes. “So thanks to you, I lost the most significant man in my life.”

“Maybe he wasn’t that significant if he’s so quick to walk away.”

“Most men are like that, Jake,” Joss said with more bitterness in her voice than I’d like. “You just give them one push and they’re gone.”

I held her gaze. “Not all men. Some men choose to stick around.”

Joss fought to keep her face from betraying her emotions, but the pain simmering right under the surface was clear as day. It wasn’t my usual M.O. to be so cruel but the petty part of me wanted her to share in my suffering. If nothing else, at least we could share that.

“What’s going on? Why are you antagonizing her?” Amanda asked after Joss stalked out of the room.

I shrugged. “Hialeah is not safe.” I stared into my coffee mug, my mood as dark as the liquid inside. “Maybe I should go, Amanda. I don’t want Joss to feel like she has to move out because of me.”

She shook her head. “No, that’s not necessary. She’s wanted to do this for a while now. I just haven’t let her.” She sighed. “I just don’t want her to feel like I don’t need her in my life anymore now that I have you and the baby.”

“I’m sure that’s not what she’s thinking. She knows we’re doing the right thing.”

Amanda squeezed my leg and stood up. “I’m glad you stayed. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

I forced a smile, even if her words felt like bullets piercing my chest.