Illicit: A Forbidden Romance (4 page)

I
tried to keep busy
. I stayed at school longer to study for finals and took on extra hours at work. Weeks had passed since Towelgate, but it was still awkward around Jake and, more importantly, Mom. Despite the guilt, every now and then the image of his penis would flash through my mind, giving me instant hot flashes of embarrassment or excitement or both.

One time I emerged from my room, ready to head to school, and found him shirtless in the living room, doing pushups. The sight of him glistening with sweat, his muscles bulging from exertion, froze me in place. I couldn’t have moved or even averted my eyes if I’d tried. That was the day I finally admitted to myself that the little sprout of a crush had grown into something wild and unwieldy.

Having him around, knowing what he looked like naked, didn’t help. It was so wrong to be this infatuated with my mother’s boyfriend, but I couldn’t help it. How could I when I’d dream about him, when I’d see his face before I even opened my eyes in the morning?

Each night, as he and my mom headed off to bed together, I felt a stab in my gut. I’d never envied my mother before, not truly anyway, but suddenly I found myself wanting to take her place, wanting to be the one Jake made love to at night. To even think it felt like a betrayal of the worst kind, but I no longer had control of my desires. Every night I felt myself winding tighter and tighter until I had no choice but to focus all my sexual frustration on Eli.

“Joss, wait,” he said, pulling away after another epic makeout session at his apartment. When I tried to lean in for another kiss, he held me away by the shoulders. “Stop. Hold on.”

“What’s wrong?”

He lay back on the bed. “I need to catch my breath.”

“Catch your breath?” I stretched out at his side, running my hands on his chest. “What for?”

He fixed his eyes on the ceiling. “I have to calm down a bit before it’s too late to stop.”

“What if I don’t want to stop this time?”

His head swiveled around to me, his eyes weary. “That’s what you said last time.”

“I’m allowed to change my mind,” I said, sitting up.

“I know you are. It’s just… I’m a little frustrated here.”

I blew out a breath. “I am too.”

“Then what’s the problem? You told me you’re not a virgin. And clearly you’re horny. But you always change your mind at the last minute.”

I turned back to him. It was true—I
was
horny as hell—but each time we had moved past kissing, I’d locked up. When it came down to it, Eli wasn’t the guy I was lusting after.

“I’m sorry,” I said, placing a palm on his stomach. He was a good guy; he deserved the truth. “I’m just… I’m confused about someone else.”

He shot up. “Who is it?”

“You wouldn’t know him.”

“So what… you’re sleeping with him?”

“No.”

“Then what?” He watched my face then nodded in understanding. “You want to.”

I bit my lips together, the non-denial speaking louder than words.

But Eli didn’t seem angry or jealous. Instead he scooted closer, slinging an arm over my shoulder. “You could pretend I’m him,” he whispered, nuzzling into my neck.

I gaped at him, not sure if he was a sleazeball or just a really understanding guy. Maybe, like all of us, he fell somewhere in between. Me, of all people, had no right to judge.

So I kissed him and, this time, we didn’t stop.

I
tried
to hide in my room that night, hoping to avoid Jake altogether, but eventually hunger won out.

“Oh, hey,” Jake said as soon as I ventured into the kitchen.

I froze in the doorway. “I didn’t know you were here.”

He shrugged, grabbing the box of Cheerios in the pantry. “Didn’t have anywhere else to be.” After he poured himself a bowl, he ate leaning against the counter. “Something’s different with you,” he said, watching me intently.

“I’m hungry,” I said. My stomach chose that second to grumble. “See?” Finally I entered the kitchen, heading to the fridge to grab my leftover burger.

He chuckled. “No, I mean, you look different. More relaxed. Something with your hair maybe?” He pointed his spoon at me. “I got it. Botox, right?”

“Haha,” I said, realizing I needed a plate in order to heat up my burger and that the plates were in the cabinet right behind Jake’s head. Venturing closer, I tried to reach behind him without making physical contact.

Jake had other ideas. He reached up and poked my cheek with a finger. “Okay, maybe not Botox.”

I reached out to give him a playful smack on the arm but he was faster and grabbed my wrist. The moment our skin made contact, I felt the desire spreading over my body like liquid sun, the tightness returning to my core. I didn’t know if he felt it too, but the intense look in his eyes made me wonder if he didn’t want this as much as I.

“It must have been the sex,” I said just to see his reaction.

“What?” He let go of my arm as the skin between his eyebrows creased.

“I had sex with Eli.”

His face remained impassive but beneath the cool exterior, I could sense he was struggling to conceal his real feelings. Or maybe I was just hoping for it.

“Do you love him?” he asked after some time.

I whirled away, putting my burger in the microwave. “No. Why?”

“If I were your parent, I would hope that I’d raised you to know that sex is not something you do with someone you don’t care about.”

“Really, Jake? Slut shaming?” I asked, taking a step back. All of a sudden, the sheen of Jake was tarnished. “Don’t give me that double-standard bullshit. It’s okay for a guy to have meaningless sex but the moment a woman does it, she’s labeled a slut? That’s complete bull.”

“No double standards here.” He shook his head. “I believe that sex is an intimate act, that you give something of yourself away with each person you share it with. I live by that rule.”

“You?” I asked in disbelief.

“What? Is it impossible that a man only wants to have sex with someone he loves?”

“Yes! Especially one that looks like you.”

He stared at me for a long, charged moment until I squirmed.

“You’re a hot guy,” I said to ease some tension. “You can have a different girl every night. If you want to, anyway.”

“You know what I want?” he asked closing the space between us. “I want the next guy you have sex with to be someone you actually really care for. Maybe even someone you love.”

“Me too.” Tears sprung to my eyes but I blinked them back and lifted my chin. “But, really, you don’t have to worry about me.”

“I still do.”

“Why?”

“Because...” His eyebrows drew together as he looked at me like I had the answers written on my face. “I can’t help it. I just do.”

He reached up and brushed a lock of hair from my cheek, tucking it gently behind my ear. His finger lingered there for a moment before lightly tracing down the line of my jaw. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think past the possibility of his kissing me.

Just then the front door opened. Jake and I flew apart as Mom entered the kitchen with a smile. She hugged me first, giving me a peck on the cheek. “Joss,” she said, giving me an extra hard squeeze. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.”

“Just been busy, I guess,” I said, fighting like hell to keep my eyes from straying to the man beside her.

“You joining us for dinner?” she asked, turning and giving Jake a quick peck.

“I ordered pizza,” he said, tucking Mom in to his side even while giving me a dark, perplexed look.

I dove for the microwave. “No, thanks. I’ll just eat my burger. Still need to study.” My heart thumped a million miles a minute as I barricaded myself in my room once again, afraid and exhilarated from how close we’d come to disaster.

“
F
inals are finally over
, I take it?”

I looked up from my novel to find Jake standing over me with a book and a beer in hand. “I didn’t know you were home.”

“Just got back from delivery.” He sat down on the other end of the couch. “How’d you do on your finals?”

“Okay, I guess. I don’t have the results yet.” I wasn’t expecting my grades to be anything spectacular because, even though I’d spent a lot of time studying, in the end I hadn’t been able to concentrate during the exams.

“So does that mean you’re done avoiding me?”

My mouth fell open. “Um, that’s very presumptuous of you.”

“Am I wrong?” He raised an eyebrow, daring me to lie.

Choosing instead to ignore him, I held the book open in front of my face. He’s a reader, he should understand the universal symbol for “leave me alone, I’m reading.”

He got the message. From the corner of my eye I spied him shake his head then crack open his own book. I tried to refocus on the words before me but his smug presence made me jittery, made me want to leave the room. Damn if I’d let him chase me out of my favorite reading spot. I’d hidden from him for weeks now; it was time I stopped running.

Hell, I can do uncomfortable too.

I scooted closer until I was right beside him. “See? I’m not avoiding you.”

He narrowed his eyes in suspicion but didn’t move away. He simply turned back to his book like having me pressed against his side was no big deal.

I faked a big yawn. “Do you mind if I lay my head on your lap?”

The suspicious look returned. “What for?”

I gave an exaggerated shrug. “I usually stretch out on the couch while I’m reading but you’re taking up the space.” Before he could refuse, I curled down on my side and laid my head on his thigh.

His muscles remained frozen for a few heartbeats but he finally relaxed when I opened my book to let him know I wasn’t going anywhere. He sat back with a resigned sigh and took a long pull from his beer before going back to reading.

And I, surprisingly, was finally able to concentrate. Being close to Jake had a soothing effect on my nerves, as if his nearness settled the turmoil inside me.

Then he slid his fingers through my hair and the internal swirling of emotion returned tenfold. He had to know how his fingertips rubbing my scalp would affect me, but he just went about reading his book as if nothing was amiss.

I tried to ignore the pleasant tingling all over my body and focus on my book, but after the fifth time of reading the same sentence I gave up. “I can’t concentrate. That feels too good.”

“You like that, huh?” he asked, glancing at me from under his book. He added more pressure with his fingers, massaging my scalp in earnest.

My eyes fluttered closed and toes curled at the added sensation. I couldn’t help but imagine those fingers working somewhere lower and wetter, curling in to me and massaging that spot. My core clenched just as a moan escaped my lips.

Jake’s hand stopped and his thigh hardened against my cheek.

“Why did you stop?” I flipped onto my back to look up at him, but my cheek accidentally made contact with something hard and long.

His eyes widened. His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down. “Sorry. That wasn’t… I didn’t mean to do that.”

To see him flustered was a nice change, spurring me to take bigger risks. Keeping my eyes fixed on his, I turned my face a fraction and nuzzled into the rigid length in his pants.

Jake leapt up off the couch, very nearly throwing me to the floor in his haste. “Joss!” he cried, glaring down at me.

I waited, my heart thumping wildly, trying not to stare at the very clear outline on his pants. I opened my mouth to apologize but he just held up a hand and, without saying another word, stomped out of the room.

I lay on the couch for a long time trying to calm my nerves, shame and excitement roiling through me. From across the room my mom’s framed photo smiled out at me, reminding me of what I stood to lose.

“I’m sorry, Mom,” I whispered to her image. “It won’t happen again.”

I
f I thought
that Jake would somehow wake up with selective amnesia, I was so, so wrong. The very next morning, while Mom was in the shower, he knocked on my bedroom door.

“Jocelyn?” he asked, peering inside.

I pulled the blanket up to my chin, suddenly very aware that I was only wearing a thin white tank top and panties. “Privacy please!”

He shook his head and entered, closing the door soundly behind him. “We really need to talk.”

I avoided his gaze, my face on fire. “It was an accident. I’m sorry.”

“That—” He cleared his throat, taking a step closer. “That was no accident.”

My throat closed up. What could I say?
Yes, I meant to rub my face on your huge dick?

Jake walked to the side of my bed, standing tall and imposing with his hands on his waist. He probably thought he looked fatherly when, in reality, he reminded me more of a Dom about to issue a command. “Joss, I know you’re probably curious about me, but you need to understand that this can’t happen again,” he said in a stern voice. “There are plenty of other guys out there you can do this with.”

“I know!” I threw my hands up. “Don’t you think I know it’s wrong to covet what my mom has? But I do, and it’s eating me up inside.”

He sat on the edge of my bed, the mattress sinking under his weight. “It could never work between us. You’re still so young.”

I sat up, making no move to stop the blanket from falling away from my chest. I arched my back, sure that my nipples were visible through the thin white fabric. His jaw clenched as he visibly fought to keep his eyes fixed on my face. I challenged him with a look, raising an eyebrow in question. “Am I?”

Feeling crazy and reckless, I took hold of his wrist and brought his hand up to the center of my chest, to where my heart was trying to pound right through.

“Joss…” he said in warning. “Don’t.”

I slid his hand lower and to the side. I sighed when his palm closed around my breast. “Am I?” I repeated.

I felt the moment he gave in, when he let out a ragged breath as his thumb began to trace the outline of my hardened nipple. “No, you’re not,” he whispered.

I leaned into his touch, craving his hands all over me. God, it was so wrong but felt so right. The guilt fed the desire that fed the guilt.

I whimpered when he let go of my breast and trailed a finger along my collarbone, up my neck, and traced the outline of my lips. “I’ve tried my best to overlook the fact that you’re a young woman blooming right before my eyes.”

“But I turn you on.” I parted my lips and drew his finger in, sucking on it.

He swallowed. Hard. The vein in his neck pulsed rapidly, his chest rising and falling like he’d just come back from a run.

“Jake…” But I didn’t know how to finish the sentence, didn’t know how to say out loud that I wanted him to take me right then, that it didn’t matter if my mom found us, I had to have him inside me or I would die.

But I couldn’t say the words. To admit it would light the fuse that would blow apart our lives as we knew it.

He blinked a few times and withdrew his hand. “We can’t,” he said, rising to his feet. Still, his eyes burned into me. “This has to end. Now.”

I lifted my chin, my entire body starting to tremble. “Then say it like you really mean it.”

He walked over to the door but, at the last minute, turned around. “Do you want to hurt your mom?”

“Of course not.”

He took in a deep breath, collecting his wits, something I was currently failing at doing. “Then this can’t happen again. Agreed?”

Our gazes locked across the room, reminding me of that first night when he’d asked my permission to move in. If I’d only known then how much that one decision would affect our lives.

“Okay,” I finally said. “For Mom.”

I
t was
Jake’s turn to play hide-and-seek. For the next few days, he made himself scarce, spending a lot of time at the gym or in the garage or basically anywhere but in my presence. And frankly, that was okay with me.

I scoured the internet for available apartments, knowing the only solution was to take myself out of the equation. Maybe the crazy hormonal reactions wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have to see him everyday.

“You okay, sweetheart?” Mom asked one night as she stood at my bedroom door. “You’ve been so withdrawn lately.”

I kept my back to her and finished tying my hair back into a ponytail, feeling like a vine was wrapping around my chest. “Have I?”

She sighed. “I’ve been so busy at work. I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.”

I faced her, finding it hard to breathe. “You don’t have to feel guilty,” I said and wrapped my arms around her. I squeezed her hard, hoping it would help ease the tightness in my own chest. No dice. “It’s my fault. I’ve been busy with school and work.”

“And boyfriends,” she said with a laugh. She pulled back with bright, curious eyes. “How is Eli, anyway?”

I forced a smile. “Eli’s not my boyfriend.”

“Yet.”

“I don’t know. He’s a good guy but…” I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Sounds like there’s a juicy story there,” she said with a knowing wink.

“Maybe another time. Maybe over Sunday dinner.” I bit my lip, carefully choosing my next words. “Mom, I have to talk to you about something.”

She sat at my desk, her worried mom-face on. “What is it?”

I took a deep breath. “I need to move out.” Guilt stabbed me in the gut at the hurt in her eyes, but I knew I could hurt her ten times worse if I stayed. “I think it’s time.”

“Is something wrong? Did something happen?” she asked.

“No, nothing like that,” I said quickly. “It’s just… we always talked about me moving out when I turned twenty-one. And with Jake here, I figured you’d be okay without me.”

She stood up, a pained expression on her face as she reached for my hand. “I’ll never be okay without you.”

I smiled even as tears pricked my eyes. “I’m not getting any younger,” I said, trying to lighten the mood.

That got a chuckle out of her. “Yeah, you’re so old.” She squeezed my fingers. “But if you really want to go, I’ll support it.”

I nodded. “I do.”

“Fine,” she said, wiping at her cheek. “Just give me a few weeks to get used to it first.”

I swallowed. I didn’t know if we had that kind of time before shit hit the fan, but what could I do? “Okay.”

“Let’s talk about your birthday party instead.”

“Not that again.”

She let out a watery laugh, hugging me. “I’m just talking about dinner reservations. No big parties. Promise. Just you, me, Jake, and if you want, Eli.”

A
s luck would have it
, Mom had to leave for a two-day trip the day of my birthday, leaving me with Jake and Eli at the Blue Moon Fish Restaurant in Fort Lauderdale. At least the place had a trendy, rowdy atmosphere to mask my anxiety that verged on outright panic. How the hell was I going to get through dinner, sandwiched between the guy I was sleeping with and the guy I wanted to sleep with?

“Nice view,” Eli said, admiring our waterfront table on the patio.

Jake looked over at me across the candlelit table, looking so good in a dark blue button-down shirt that highlighted the color of his eyes. “It’s a pity your mom can’t be here.”

“Yeah. She’s already texted me ten times, apologizing.”

“Why did you come?” Eli asked him. “I mean, you’re her mom’s boyfriend, so you technically don’t need to be here.”

Jake raised an eyebrow, sensing the challenge in Eli’s tone. “Because I promised I’d be here.” His eyes met mine across the way. “And because I care about Jocelyn.”

Eli scooted his chair closer to me and slung an arm across the back of my chair. “That’s why I’m here.”

I fought the urge to roll my eyes. Still, I’d be lying if I said a part of me wasn’t enjoying the testosterone slinging just a little.

Luckily the waiter chose that moment to deposit a bright blue drink in front of me. Blue again, the color of Jake’s intense gaze.

“Um, this isn’t mine.” I attempted to give it back, even if the drink looked appealing.

Jake sat up. “It’s from me. Your mom asked me to get you twenty one drinks.”

My eyes widened as I eyed the drink. He chuckled at my reaction. “I figured I’d start with one and see where you go from there.”

“Well, thanks.” I took a sip and immediately went in for another. It was delicious and was definitely needed. Before I knew it I’d downed more than half the drink and, because of my empty stomach, quickly felt a buzz.

“I’m ready for number two,” I told Jake, then snickered. “The drink, I mean.”

Jake’s eyebrows drew together. “So soon?”

“Can we get another?” Eli said to the waiter, pointing to my empty glass.

It took exactly two of those blue concoctions to make dinner bearable. Still, it didn’t make me less aware of Jake’s disapproving glare as Eli became more and more affectionate with me. I played it up, nuzzling into Eli’s neck, giving him pecks on the mouth, knowing a pair of blue eyes watched my every move. It was childish to want to make Jake jealous, but hell, it was my birthday and I could do whatever the hell I wanted.

A
fter dinner
, as we stood waiting for the valet to retrieve the cars, I decided I wasn’t ready to go home just yet. “My birthday celebration can’t possibly end at eleven o’clock!”

“Okay, where do you want to go?” Jake asked.

“You can go home,” Eli said, taking hold of my elbow. “I can take her wherever she wants to go.”

Jake frowned, looking me over. “She’s had a lot to drink.”

“Don’t worry. I’m driving.” Eli turned to me. “So where to, Babe?”

I ran a hand through my hair, feeling unusually good. Sexy even. “I don’t know. To a club. I want to dance.”

Jake pulled me aside and asked in a low voice, “Are you okay? You’re not drunk, are you?”

“No. But I do have a nice buzz.” I flashed him a bright smile. “And I’m fine. Eli’s a good guy.”

He threw an uncertain glance over my shoulder. “You want me to go with you?”

I pinched his cheek. “Jake, you’re cute, but no. Don’t wait up. I might stay over at Eli’s.”

His face remained carefully impassive, but I saw a muscle in his jaw tick. Still, he stepped aside and allowed me to leave with my date.

E
li took me to Aerostorm
, a two-story club at the shores of Fort Lauderdale. It was loud and flashy and just the right place. Eli offered to buy me another drink but I waved him off, dragging him instead to the dance floor.

We danced for several songs, Eli getting closer and closer until he had his hand under my top while grinding his crotch into my ass. People stared at us—some with looks of disgust, others with envy—but I was beyond caring at that point. I closed my eyes and pretended it was someone else behind me, holding me freely.

“Let’s get out of here,” I whispered in his ear.

Eli was quick to grant my wish, whisking us out of the club before I could blink. The next thing I knew he had me pressed against the side of his car, his thigh wedged between my legs and tongue inside my mouth. The whole time I thought of Jake, of how it would be like to kiss him, to grind on him.

“That’s enough.”

Jake’s voice pierced through the fantasy and, in my alcohol-induced stupor, I almost expected him to throw Eli aside and take over with the kissing and the leg humping. That would have been the best birthday surprise ever.

Instead Eli pulled away from me. “I thought you went home?” he asked.

“I’m glad I didn’t,” Jake said, standing a few feet from us with his arms folded across his chest.

Eli turned to face him. “She’s fine. I’m taking good care of her.”

Jake looked absolutely murderous. “I’m taking her home.”

“Look man, you’re crossing the line. You’re not her dad.”

Jake angry gaze turned to me. “No, but I’m her guardian.”

“You are acting way more possessive than her guardian. If I didn’t know any better—” Eli stopped, his head whipping back around to me. “Is this the guy?” he demanded, jabbing a thumb towards Jake. “He’s the one you want to sleep with?”

My eyes flew between the two men, unable to form a denial. How could I when I couldn’t even tear my eyes away from the huffing, sexy guy that was completely forbidden to me?

Eli gave a humorless laugh. “Oh, that’s fucked up, Joss.” With palms up, he started to back away. “I don’t want any part of this situation.”

“
Y
ou’re an asshole
,” I said in Jake’s truck a few minutes later. “What the hell were you thinking making a scene like that?”

He glared at me before starting the truck. “I was thinking I had to save your dignity.”

“My dignity was intact, thank you.”

“Not from where I was standing.” He pulled out of the parking lot, taking the turn so hard I almost fell sideways. “Besides, your mom would kill me if I let that asshole molest you like that.”

“It was by choice. We weren’t doing anything I didn’t want to!” I wanted to beat my head into the dashboard. “That was just foreplay. We weren’t going to do anything until we got back to his place.”

Jake was quiet for a long, charged moment. “Really, Joss?” he finally asked. “What do you see in that guy?”

“He’s nice to me. And he’s one of those rare guys who likes going down on a woman.”

He let out a huff. “Not so rare,” I thought I heard him say under his breath.

I turned away. “Well, you’ve just robbed me of an orgasm.”

“Sorry,” he said, sounding anything but.

I kept my eyes fixed on the window, thinking about Eli and the way he’d looked at me when he figured out my secret. Who was he to judge?

“Maybe he’s right,” I whispered. “I am fucked up.”

Jake glanced at me. “Nothing an aspirin and water won’t fix.”

“No.” I turned my entire body towards him. “I mean I’m fucked up. I want something I can’t have.”

“Joss…” he said on a sigh.

“I know. I get it. You don’t want me!” I said, throwing my hands up. “It’s just… for the first time in my whole life, I feel this
need,
this craving. Like, I lie awake at night physically needing you. To do—I don’t know. Everything. Make love to me then cuddle with me. Talk to me until we can’t keep our eyes open anymore.”