Illicit: A Forbidden Romance (8 page)

I
didn’t see
Joss again for a few days. It didn’t seem possible to avoid someone for this long when you occupy the same one-thousand-something square foot area, but she was good at evasion. For all I saw of her, she might as well have moved out already.

I guess I, too, had gotten adept at avoidance. I simply stayed in the garage, working long after Amanda went to bed to steer clear of any form of intimacy. In the mornings, I took extra long showers to relieve the tension that accumulated overnight. It was the only time I allowed myself to think of Joss anymore, to remember the searing heat that had passed between us.

It was during one of those mornings, when I had one hand on the tile wall and one of my dick, fantasizing about Joss while water sluiced down my body, that I heard the shower door open. Amanda pressed her naked body to my back and reached around, taking hold of my shaft.

“Let me take care of that,” she whispered by my ear and stroked me from root to tip.

And I let her. I simply dropped my head and closed my eyes, imagining someone else’s hands around my cock. But the guilt and shame washed over me in waves, softening my resolve.

“What’s the matter?” Amanda whispered, trying her best to rub me back to life with no luck.

I turned and held her in my arms, pressing a kiss of apology to her hair. “I just have a lot on my mind.”

“You’ve had a lot on your mind lately,” she says, rubbing her breasts against me.

Boy, wasn’t that the truth.

She looked up at me, longing in her eyes. “I miss you, Jake.”

Unable to return the sentiment, I simply pressed my lips to hers. And with a heart blanketed with many layers of guilt, I reached down between her legs and returned the favor.

A
manda
and I emerged from the bedroom half an hour later, loose-limbed and relaxed. She held my hand and led me down the hall, chatting about the busy day she had ahead.

“I’m late for work,” she said, grabbing her purse. She turned to me and pressed a kiss to my lips, smiling. “But maybe I should be late with you every morning.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed movement across the living room. I pulled away from Amanda and found Joss on the couch, snuggled under the blanket with a book in her hand.

“Hey!” Amanda said, walking over and kissing her on the top of her head. “I didn’t know you were already up.”

Joss’s smile was tight. “Yep. Been up for a while now.”

Amanda laughed nervously, her cheeks turning red. “Sorry. I hope we didn’t wake you up.”

Judging from the look on her face, Joss had heard her mom’s loud moans, but she shook her head and lied. “No. I was too engrossed in my book. I didn’t even notice you guys standing there.”

“Thank God,” Amanda said. “I’d need therapy if I ever heard my parents having sex.”

I cringed inwardly. Joss hid her face behind the book.

After Amanda left for work, I remained in the living room, staring at the woman on the couch. The awkwardness in the room was suffocating, but I stayed, needing to get some things off my chest.

“Joss…”

She threw aside the blanket and got up, ignoring me.

I followed close behind, watching her hips sway as she stalked off to hide in her room. “I’m talking to you,” I said, grabbing her elbow.

She jerked her arm away, keeping her back to me. “What?” she spit out.

“I didn’t have sex with her.”

Slowly she turned, studying my face. “Sure looks like you did.”

I took a step closer. “We didn’t,” I said gently, hoping I wouldn’t have to elaborate. “I haven’t had sex with her since…” I let out a breath. “You have no idea how hard it’s been trying to avoid her night after night. This morning she just caught me by surprise.”

Joss cocked a hip and an attitude. “It must be so hard rejecting the advances of a beautiful woman.”

“It is,” I bit out between my teeth, trying to keep my emotions in check. She was making my blood boil, and there was a very thin line between anger and lust. “Not that any of this matters because you and I are not together. I’m with your mom and I shouldn’t have to feel guilty every time I do something with her.”

She wrapped her arms around her middle. “I know,” she whispered, her lips trembling. “But it hurts. Like physically hurts to know that you’re not…”

I closed the space between us. “Not what?”

Her shoulders sagged as she leaned into me, but stopped short of touching. When she looked up, the skin under her eyes were wet with tears. “Not with me.”

I reached out and wiped at her tears. I couldn’t
not
touch her anymore. “I’m sorry, Joss. I wish I could make this hurt less.”

In that moment, seeing the pain etched in her features, I felt a pang of the physical pain she was talking about. It hurt like a bitch, but we couldn’t veer from the paths we’d already set for ourselves. “We have to move past this. We have to find a way to move on.”

“It’s that easy for you, isn’t it?” she asked, bitterness lacing her voice. “Moving on?”

I ground my teeth. “It has to be.” And even though I really didn’t want to, I turned my back on her and walked away.

“
W
hat about Landon
for a boy and Larissa for a girl?”

“What?” I blinked up, not realizing that Amanda had joined me out in the backyard. I took a sip of beer and continued to enjoy the balmy afternoon in the backyard. I had only hedge bushes and the lawn to look at, but I wasn’t out here for the scenery anyway.

“Baby names.” Amanda sat on my lap and showed me a blue book with a chubby baby on the cover. She flipped through the dog-eared pages. “I like the name Liam too.”

“What about Joss?”

Amanda bit back a smile. “I think that name’s already taken.”

“I mean, have you asked her?”

Her smile dissolved. “I wanted to consult with the baby’s father first.” She pulled away, studying me. “What’s with you lately? Is it Joss?”

I tried to retain my cool; Amanda’s gaze was more searing than the Florida sun. “What do you mean?”

“You two haven’t been getting along.” I opened my mouth but she quickly covered it with her hand. “Don’t even deny it. You can’t stand to be in the same room together and when you do happen to be, you’re always arguing.”

I shook my head and looked away. Amanda wasn’t stupid. Of course she noticed.

Her fingers threaded into my hair. “So what is it? It’s not about the baby, is it?”

I looked into her open face, wanting so badly to confess.

I had an affair with your daughter.

Seven little words that meant nothing apart, but when put together had the power to destroy everything.

We both turned our heads when the glass door opened. My ears burned as Joss walked out to the backyard wearing a shirt and those damn cutoff shorts. But the heat that spiked my temperature was quickly doused when I saw who followed her out.

“Hey,” Joss said, pointedly avoiding looking at me. She turned to the person beside her. “Mom, this is my boyfriend, Eli.”

My hand squeezed around the beer bottle, trying its best to shatter glass.

Amanda got up from my lap and shook Douchebag’s hand. “It’s nice to finally meet you. I’m glad you and Joss were able to work things out.”

Eli’s eyes flicked towards me a few times but he refused to address me. I had no idea what Joss had told him about me but it must have been convincing because he didn’t seem too surprised to see me with her mom. “Yeah, Joss and I…” He took hold of her hand, the asshole. “We’re good together.”

Yeah, like eyeballs and chili peppers. “So where are you lovebirds headed?” I asked, tipping my beer his way.

“We’re just going to the pool,” Joss said.

Eli gave her a full body look, undressing her with his eyes. It took everything in me not to jump up and deliver a roundhouse kick to his smug face.

My mood went downhill from there. After they left, Amanda resumed her seat on my lap.

“You two are at odds about Eli, aren’t you?” she asked.

“Can we just drop it?”

Amanda nodded, acting like she was well aware of what was going on in my head. God, if she only knew. “I know you don’t like him, but give him a chance. Give
her
a chance. I didn’t raise her to be a meek doormat. She may seem introverted and quiet but my Joss has a strong will.”

“Yeah, I noticed.” I took a deep breath but felt like I wasn’t getting enough air in my lungs. I eased her off my lap and stood up. “I’m going for a run.”

I
still couldn’t sleep
at night, couldn’t turn off my brain long enough to get some rest. These days I was more adept at shutting out thoughts of Joss, forcing myself instead to focus on my impending fatherhood. It worked, most times.

One night, after tossing and turning in bed for two hours, I went into the garage to grab a beer and my sketchbook. I went out to the driveway and sat on the open bed of my truck, sketching out ideas for a piece of furniture that would change my life. I knew there were safety standards that needed to be upheld, like the width of the gaps between slats, but I wanted to add my own style to the piece.

After twenty minutes of sketching and erasing, I sat back and admired the final drawing of the crib, imagining the child that it would hold and protect. I could almost see Amanda standing over it, smiling down at the baby, and me…

I let out a breath. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t imagine myself as part of the cozy family scene.

Before I could change my mind, I grabbed the pencil from behind my ear and began drawing on a fresh page. At first the strokes were long and exploratory but all too soon the drawing took the shape of a face with long, wavy hair, haunting eyes, and chin with a tiny indentation. So it didn’t turn out looking exactly like Joss—hell, I had never been that great at portrait drawing—but this was all I was allowed to have of her.

I didn’t know how long I stared at that face out there in the dark, with the mosquitoes feasting on my legs, but for once, I felt a little bit of peace. And for the first time in a long time, I was able to get a few hours of solid sleep that night.

“
I
’ll be there
,” I told Amanda over the phone. I looked down at my watch even if I knew I had plenty of time to make it to our first OBGYN appointment. “I just need to stop at the store first.”

“Don’t be late,” Amanda said, her voice edged with anxiety. I suspected she still didn’t think I’d want anything to do with the baby, which made me all the more determined to prove her wrong.

“Just relax. All this worrying is probably not good for the baby.”

Amanda sighed. “You’re right. Okay, I’ll see you at three.”

I hung up and headed to the laundry room to get my shirt out of the dryer. On the way there, the front door opened and Joss walked in. She stopped, the panic evident in her face, even as her eyes took in my shirtless form.

“Hi.” I jabbed a thumb over my shoulder. “I was just leaving.”

“Without a shirt?” she asked.

I sighed through my nose. “No. Just getting it out of the dryer then I’m headed to the doctor’s appointment with your mom.”

Her lips thinned but she nodded. “Oh right, that’s today.”

“Do you want to come?” The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them, but I figured Joss would want to be present to lend her mom moral support.

Her eyes widened. “No, I can’t. I’m actually expecting someone.”

I bristled. “Eli?”

She blinked, looking away. “Yeah.”

“Do you think that’s appropriate? Having him over without me or your mom at home?”

She raised an eyebrow. “I’m twenty-one years old. I think I can have a boy over alone if I want.”

I ground my teeth together, both angered and turned on by her defiance. “Yeah, not gonna happen.”

“At the risk of sounding like a petulant child… I don’t have to do what you say. You’re not my father.”

“I can still bend you over my lap and spank you.”

Joss’s eyes widened. The air crackled around us with unspent energy.

I shook my head, laughing nervously. “Sorry. That was… inappropriate.”

“And if I want you to spank me?”

I stared at her for a long time, my dick hard as steel in my pants. She was taunting me, forcing me to break character, but I wouldn’t give her that satisfaction. “No, Joss,” I said with finality in my voice.

She shrugged, challenge glittering in her eyes. “Fine. Then I guess Eli would have to spank me until my ass is red and I’m squirming in his lap.”

I squeezed my hands into fists, afraid that if I moved, I’d lose control of myself completely. “Stop it. I’m trying to be the good guy here.”

“A good guy wouldn’t keep me from trying to move on with my life.”

My shoulders sagged, all the hot air leaking out of me. She was absolutely right, of course. I was being selfish, as usual. “I’m sorry.” She nodded and tried to step around me, but my hand shot out and pressed itself to her stomach. “I just can’t stand the thought of his hands on you,” I said and immediately regretted it.

“Just Eli or everyone else?”

Fuck, I was screwed ten ways till Sunday. I needed to stop before I made an even bigger mess of things. I shook my head and backed off. “It doesn’t matter. Do what you want, Joss. I’m out.”

“
Y
ou made it
,” Amanda said as soon as I walked into the clinic thirty minutes later.

I handed over the bouquet of flowers, too exhausted to even crack a smile, and took a seat.

“Thank you,” Amanda said. “I already went in and for the urine and blood test. They should be calling us here shortly.”

“Okay.” I hunched over, setting my elbows on my knees, staring down at the marble floor between my feet.

Amanda’s warm hand pressed into my back. “Hey, you okay? Are you nervous?”

My stomach trembled and I couldn’t stop my leg from jiggling if I tried. “Yeah.” I felt as if I was standing on a precipice, about to jump into the dark abyss without a clue what was waiting for me below.

The feeling intensified when the nurse led us back into one of the exam rooms. Somehow I knew that when we came back out, our world would never be the same.

But before Amanda could even undress and put on the gown, a different nurse came charging in wearing blue scrubs and a frown on his face. “Mrs. Blake?”

Amanda stood up, not bothering to correct him. “Yes. What’s wrong?” Sensing her tense demeanor, I took her hand and squeezed it.

The nurse looked at his clipboard. “You’re here for your first prenatal visit, correct?”

“Yes,” Amanda said slowly. “Is something wrong?”

“Your hCG levels are really low, Mrs. Blake.”

Amanda’s hand flew up to her mouth. “I had a miscarriage?”

The nurse shook his head, the frown on his face getting deeper. “No. After a miscarriage, the hCG levels in your blood should still be slightly elevated. But you have a level of three.”

“What the hell does that mean?” I asked, done with all the medical mumbo jumbo.

The nurse looked at me for the first time. “It means your wife never even conceived.”