Imperfections (47 page)

I drown out the sound of the happy voices all around me. She hates me, if I didn't know it before, I know it now. She wants to see a reaction but she's not going to get one from me, not here. I finish my drink and put on the best performance of my life. I stand up and hold my glass up to Kate. My eyes unmoving, set on hers.

"Congratulations. We should all drink a toast to the happy couple and the upcoming birth of their baby. Kate, you are my big sister, I love you. I'm happy and overjoyed you have found the love of your life. A man who wants to be with you and love you for the rest of your life. You deserve everything he's going to give you and more. And I sincerely mean that—" I put my hand over my heart, "—from the bottom of my heart." The best performance of my life.

My mother walks over to me nervously with her glass in her hand. Like she's afraid I'm going to say something I'm not supposed to. She doesn't have to worry, I'm not saying anything else tonight, I'm ready to go home.

"Well, that was a lovely speech, dear. Every word summed up what we are all thinking and feeling."

My dad stands up and kisses me on the cheek and I turn to him.

"Yes, I agree. Baby, that was very nice. There are so many things to be thankful for. Today, I'm most thankful for my family being under one roof together, especially Catherine. Nick, the newest member to our family, keep making my beautiful daughter as happy as she is tonight."

For the first time tonight since I saw him with Kate I look at him. He's looking at my father, his glass in his hand, he holds it up to him and then holds it up to me. "I'll try my best as long as she'll let me."

I need to leave before I fall apart. Hold it together a few more minutes. I can do it.

My father holds his glass to Kate. "Most of all I'm thankful for the new life you are going to bring into this family and for giving me another grandchild to love and spoil."

Jay holds his glass up. "I'm ecstatic to hear the good news. Sasha will finally have a cousin to play with. Cat, they're going to keep you busy. You had so much fun with Sasha, double the pleasure, double the fun; you're going to be a great aunt and babysitter." He gleefully smiles. "I mean, your excellent babysitting services are going to be extended to Nick and Kate, right?"

Talk about being put on the spot. Over Kate's dead body would she agree to me watching her child. Ever. "Absolutely." I smile as best I can. At least one good thing came out of this night. Jay will stop looking at me like he thinks I'm hiding something. He seems to be the happiest out of everyone to hear the freaking good news.

Chris stands up and raises his glass high in the air. "To Nick and Kate and the new baby."

"Don't forget," Vanessa says. "Health, strength, and happiness." Everyone at the table stands. Glasses are raised high in the air. One big happy family. "Cheers." Glasses clink together around the table. "Hear hear, to the new baby."

I finish my wine in one gulp and sit back down. Why does it seem they are always overjoyed by Kate's news and I am in my own personal hell whenever she opens her mouth? I wait a few minutes before I excuse myself from the table and go to the bathroom before I tell them I'm leaving.

I lean over the sink, close my eyes and splash water on my face. My stomach's twisting into knots. Taking a hand towel I wipe my face, wiping away my makeup. It's time for me to leave. I've been tortured enough tonight. I can't take another second of this. I sink down on the toilet seat with my face in my hand and have a little cry. Hell, I've been strong enough tonight.

I know she's hurting. I want to go to her and wrap her in my arms. I watch her make a toast and pretend to be happy and smile. She doesn't deserve this. She should be the woman sitting next to me having my child. She puts on a good act for her family but I can see she's hurt. If you look at her closely, you can see the sadness in her. Under the little makeup she wears you can see the dark circles under her eyes. They can't see but I can. Her sadness is my heartache.

She excuses herself from the table. When she doesn't come back after ten minutes I excuse myself to make a phone call and head in the direction she went.

I stop in front of the bathroom door. I knock but I don't say anything. If I answer her, she won't open the door. I knock again and wait till she opens the door to see who it is. I can tell she's been crying.

"Go away, Nick, I can't do this. My family is here."

She tries to close the door but I hold it open with my hand.

"Nick, let go!" she whispers.

"I'm not going anywhere, move away from the door and let me in, Cat." Her eyes narrow to slits, she looks like she wants to hit me. I would let her hit me a thousand times, I deserve it. "If you don't let me in, someone is going to see us." She moves back. I walk in and close the door behind me.

"What do you want, Nick? I said all I needed to say the last time we talked, and out there."

"I know it's hard for you—"

"What's hard for me is seeing you with your hands on my sister while you bond over your baby. A baby you're having with her."

"I know."

"No, I don't think you do!

"You don't know what it's like standing there congratulating you and wishing you well, not meaning a single word of what I said, because I wish I was in my sister's shoes. I wish I was the woman sitting next to you having your baby. That should be me out there that my family is happy and overjoyed for. Not her. I wish they could see how unhappy I am. They can't, I have to put on a show for them. Inside I am crumbling. I'm trying to keep it together but you are not helping me."

She covers her face with her hands and turns her back to me. I stand behind her my body almost touching hers. I want to touch her so badly it hurts me not to. I want to wipe away all the hurt and the pain I've caused her.

"Cat, she's pregnant, I can't undo what's already done. We are going to have a baby but we are not together. I don't love her, I love you. I want to be with you. I want you to be the woman in my life who stands by my side. I want to be the man in your life to love you and make love to you every night and day. It could be the way it was that weekend. Do you know what it's like for me not being able to see you, touch you?"

She turns around with tears in hers eyes, lips trembling. If her heart is crumbling, my heart is breaking. It seems like all I've done since she's come back is bring tears to her eyes.

"It's hard not having something…" She stops, pressing her lips together. "What I had with you in one weekend…when you've experienced it, it's not easily forgotten. It's like a tingle creeping up your skin, coming together in the center of your whole being, caged in until it wants to burst out. Something uncontrollable that moves you and rocks you uncontrollably. At the most unexpected times, I think about it, I feel it."

That's it exactly. She's so close to me I wouldn't have to move a half an inch to lean down and kiss her. She's trapped against the wall and me, nowhere for her to go. Nowhere for her to run. I brush a strand of hair out of her face with my hand grazing the soft skin on her cheek. Her lips tremble and her eyes close when I slide the palm of my hand across her face. She tries to pull back, but she can't; her back is against the wall.

"Don't touch me," she breathes.

I watch the pulse at her neck beat. Pressing my body against her I kiss her on the forehead, my hand moving down to the side of her neck, kissing her there, trailing the tip of my tongue to her ear. "You want me to touch you, Cat." I run my hand over her breast. Her breathing speeds up and I watch the rise and fall of her chest straining against the top of her dress. "Your lips lie, but your body is telling me the truth," I say, nuzzling the side of her neck with my mouth open. My tongue swirls the spot I know drives her crazy. She gives me a soft moan and I know she wants me.

"Stop. I don't have the strength… please!" she says frantically against my hair.

My hand on her waist, I rub my body against her so she knows how much I want her and I don't want to stop. I don't care who's out there. "You don't want me to stop. You like when I'm in you. You like it when I scream your name and you come undone all around me. Like dynamite every time we come together, we explode."

I cover her mouth with mine and it's like home. Groaning into her mouth she runs her tongue over mine. Our eyes close, her arms around my neck. It's been so long since I've kissed her I'm instantly hard as a rock. I forgot how small she is when I grind my arousal into her stomach. My hands go under her dress palming her perfect round ass. I run my tongue under the side of her jaw.

I listen to her moan, straining to say my name like I knew she would. "Nick."

There's a knock on the door. I put my lips on hers. Her eyes open wide and I see the want and need in her brown eyes. "Shhh."

The person outside calls her name, "Cat?"

I put my mouth against her ear and tell her to, "Take a deep breath." When Chris's voice comes through the door.

"Are you okay, Cat?"

I rub my thumb against the side of her stomach in a slow circle under her dress seeing her reaction to Chris's voice. I ask her, "Are you okay?" She shakes her head no. "Let it out, deep breath out. Say one word, yes."

"Yes," she tells Chris.

"Are you sure? You've been in there for a while."

"Deep, steady breaths," I tell her again. "Talk slowly till you get your voice under control."

"I'm fine. I'll be out in a minute, Chris." Her voice sounds a little strangled.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes, I'll be out in a minute."

"All right."

We listen to his footsteps fade away. She lays her head down in the middle of my chest and clutches the sides of my shirt in her hands. Putting my hand over her hair I hold her close.

"We can't keep doing this, Nick."

"Why not?"

"It hurts too much."

"When we're together it feels good. It's like the first time all over again. Stop lying to yourself and to me. I'm not going to push you, but I need you to talk to me, I need to hear from you to make sure you're okay. Give me that much." I lift her face up with my hands. The heat in her eyes is replaced again by sadness and a wariness that wasn't there before.

"I don't know. I can't hear your voice every day and not be with you."

"How about this, I send you one text a day. All you have to do is text me back I'm fine or I'm not doing so good today."

She thinks about it and nods. "I think I can do that."

"Good."

She straightens her dress and fixes herself in the mirror.

"You go out first and find Chris and then I'll come out."

She walks to the door, I grab her hand and kiss her on the corner of her mouth. "I'm not giving up on us so easily." She turns around and walks out the door, leaving me alone.

I walk out of the bathroom on shaky legs, my God, they feel like silly putty. I was actually going to have sex with him in my parents' bathroom with everyone down the hall. Thank God for Chris. I'm sure my heart stopped when he knocked on the door.

My first stop in this house of nightmares is to get my jacket before anyone can stop me. I put my coat on and call a cab. I don't need a ride from anyone here tonight. I've had enough questions and happy talk of babies and family love and loyalty. My mother could hardly look at me tonight and Kate was staring daggers at me when she thought no one was looking. Sisterly love is dead and buried in this house along with motherly love for me.

"Are you leaving without saying goodbye?"

I turn around and see Chris looking at me. "No, I was just putting on my coat first, my cab is coming."

"Why didn't you ask one of us to give you a ride?"

"I didn't want you to leave because of me. I'll be fine. Go back inside with the family. I'll say bye before I leave."

"Are you sure you're fine?"

"Yeah, don't I look fine? Why wouldn't I be on such a joyous Thanksgiving Day?" I smile but I'm so tired of acting I don't know if I'm convincing enough. From the look on his face I won't be winning any more awards for my acting abilities tonight.