Imperfections (45 page)

I take a swing of my beer and put the bottle back down, and watch my phone on the counter like it can give me the answers I'm looking for. How do I break the heart of the person that I love most? Where do I begin? How do I start?

The choice is taken from me when the phone rings, without looking at it I know it's her. I pick it up like it's a ten pound bag of bricks weighing down my hand, getting heavier and heavier the closer it gets to my ear. I swipe my thumb across the screen, clear my throat and run my hand over my mouth and the rough stubble across my face. I don't say anything. I close my eyes and pray she will stay with me when I hear her voice.

"Hello, Nick?"

I clear my throat. "I'm here."

"Are you okay? You sound funny."

"I'm fine. I was sitting here trying to sort some things out. How was your day?"

"It was good. I got a call today from Mrs. Smith, she's going on maternity leave this Friday. Starting Monday I'll be taking over her kindergarten class full time, by myself."

"That's great, I'm happy for you." She sounds happy. I hate to be the one to take away her happiness but I have to tell her.

"I'm happy for me too; I thought I would never find a job. I need to get out of this apartment, I need something to do. Working with kids will keep me busy and entertained."

"I'm really happy for you."

"I know…Are you sure you're fine, you sound, different?"

I get off the bar stool, grab my beer off the counter and go into the living room. "I have something to tell you."

"What?"

I blow out a breath and stand up straight in front of the couch. I need to say this. I close my eyes, pressure building in my chest.

"What is it, Nick? Just tell me."

This is hard. "I got a call from the lab today, the paternity test came back." I wait to see what she's going to say, she doesn't say a thing. I feel her tension through the phone. "The test is positive, the baby is mine."

Silence. Pure silence. I listen to her breathe through the phone waiting for her to say something, anything.

"Cat?"

"I knew there was a good chance you were the father. I thought I was prepared to hear that, I'm not."

"Cat—"

"Congratulations. You're going to be a dad. I have some more news for you too."

Her voice is breaking and she's trying to control it, the hurt I put there.

"You will be glad to know, you will not be a daddy twice in one year. I'm not pregnant." She laughs awkwardly.

I should be relieved at this news, I'm not.

"It would be really difficult explaining to my family how I'm pregnant at the same time, by the same man my sister is also pregnant by. If Monday was any indication of what to expect, I dogged a big bullet. I am so glad I'm not."

She sounds about as happy as I am. "Are you?"

She screams through the phone a muffled, "No! I thought I would be, I should be."

"Cat—"

"No, I think we should keep things the way they are now."

"What does that mean?"

"You need to be there for Kate and your child—"

"I need to be there for you, I love you."

"This is a time when love is not enough; it doesn't make it hurt any less. Every time I see you with her it's going to hurt even more. I'm not going to delude myself into thinking otherwise. I need to stop this before it gets worse."

"Cat, I need you in my life. Any way in any form. We don't have to be completely out of each other's lives. What are you going to do when you have to see me because you're going to have to see me as long as I'm the father of this child?"

"I don't know! Right now I can't. I need to take care of me."

"You need time, I'm going to give you time. But that does not mean it's over between us. I love you, I am not giving up on us," I tell her, my voice rising with each word. She's crying and I want to hold her more than anything in this world. Make her know I will always be here waiting for her. I will be her rock, her shoulder to lean on no matter how hard she pushes me away. "I am not going to let you give up on us so easily. Do you hear me?"

"Bye, Nick."

I spin around and hurl the bottle against the wall shattering it into tiny pieces. I watch beer run down the wall to the floor. I slump down into the couch and scrub my hands over my face. The one thing I want most in this world is slipping away from me, out of my reach.

I cried, I cried, and cried that night. I've stopped crying now, I'm only crying on the inside. Sade has become my best friend. She wakes me up in the morning, she walks with me to the train when I'm going to work and she puts me to sleep, sad but true. The first couple of days were the hardest. I cried myself to sleep every night. I hardly ate, my hair was a mess, and my eyes were bloodshot from all the tears I cried. Basically, I would wake up in the morning looking like a crackhead.

I wasn't alone though, Ava was right there with me, she would come into my room at night and sleep with me. She didn't mention Nick's name to me, not once. She went over to my parents' house and got some of my things the day after Nick called to tell me he was officially going to be a daddy to my new nephew. I found out I was going to have a nephew via text message from my dear sister who couldn't wait to share the good news with me, Nick's having a son. I told Ava to make a U-turn if she saw her when she went to get my things from Sophie.

Ava and Kate are oil and water and I don't want things to escalate to the point my whole family finds out everything. I can't deal with that, they don't have to find out now that I've decided not to let things go any further between me and Nick. What the hell was I thinking anyway? Like we could be a happy couple with him being the father of Kate's baby. Kate wouldn't accept that, she would make our lives miserable. I had a glimmer of hope before we had that blow out fight but after she said what she had to say to me, forget about it. How could I have missed how she really felt about me all these years?

My phone is ringing. I take it out of my coat pocket, it's Matt. I haven't spoken to him since the weekend he called me at Nick's place. He probably thinks I'm avoiding him.

"Hi, Matt."

"You're still alive."

"Yes, I'm still alive. Before you say anything that might offend me, I am not avoiding you."

"You're not? That's funny because I thought the definition of avoiding someone was not returning their calls or their texts. You know, blowing me off. I don't mind being blown off but not in this way."

"I wasn't blowing you off. I wouldn't blow you off, Matt, in either way." Guys. I smile to myself and continue. "I've been dealing with family and personal issues. It's been kind of rough. I'm going through some things. I hope you understand."

"I understand, dealing with family can be rough; that's always been my experience dealing with my family. Are you okay now?"

"I'm trying to be. It's hard."

"Give it some time; it can't be easy to readjust to living with your family after you've been on your own. You're used to doing your own thing when you want, no questions asked."

"That's the truth. I wish that was all there was to my issues and family drama."

"You know you can talk to me. I'm a good listener and I might be able to help you."

"Thanks, but I don't think that's a good idea. You wouldn't be able to help me with this problem."

"Are you sure about that?"

"I'm sure."

"Does this problem have anything to do with a lawyer who may or may not be linked to Kate?"

I stop walking in front of the school abruptly. "What? Why would you say that?"

"I've heard a few things, mostly rumors. You know how that goes."

"Why don't you tell me how it goes and what these rumors are?"

"Is he engaged to Kate?" He turns the question on me.

"I've heard those rumors too. As far as I know they're not."

"It sounds like there is something going on though. Whatever it is I'm guessing you're in the middle of it?"

"It's complicated."

"Have things changed between you and him since the last time I saw you?"

I don't feel like lying to him. I'm going to give him as much of the truth as I can. I trust Matt. He's not going to tell anyone.

"Yes, things have changed and they have changed again."

"What does that mean? Are you two together? Have I missed my chance again?"

"I care for you a lot, Matt. I don't see us being together for now, but I would like to be friends, I need good friends at this time in my life. I'm going through some really…fucked up things."

"That bad, huh?"

"Yeah, I never thought I would be in a situation like this. Unfortunately at this time I'm not taking applications for romantic interests." I feel like I'm on the verge of crying again. I have to keep it together. I don't need a parent with one of my students or a coworker seeing me cry my eyes out like an idiot in front of the school. I fan my hand in front of my face to stop the tears from welling up. "I am taking applications for friends who will help put me back together if I fall apart, who won't freak out if I suddenly burst into tears in the middle of a phone conversation in the middle of the day."

"I'm eagerly handing in my application right this minute," he says energetically, making me smile. "I would be honored just to be called your friend."

"I accept your application. Effective immediately you're hired. Thank you."

"You don't need to thank me. If you're falling apart, I want to help you pick up the pieces and when you decide to start taking applications for other things, I hope you will take another look at mine. My résumé is not spotless, but I think it's acceptable."

"I promise I will give it a second look, it's looking better already."

"As your newly hired friend let me help you pull it together by changing the subject."

"Sounds good. I only have two minutes left on my lunch break."

"What are you doing for Thanksgiving? Are you having dinner with your family?"

"I'm not looking forward to it, but yes, I am."

"Don't sound so down, your family loves you a lot. I'm sure Thanksgiving dinner at your house is going to be like a Walton holiday movie compared to mine."

"I hope so. My lunch break's over. I have to get back inside and get my kids from the lunchroom."

"I'm going to call you and we're going to hang out. If you need to talk, call me, okay?"

"Okay, thanks again, Matt, for understanding, bye."

Can she ever be on time? I have less than fifteen minutes. I have to get back to the office. If it wasn't for Cat, I would have left already. I need to hear how she's doing; it's been almost two weeks since I told her about the paternity test results. She refuses to answer any of my calls or my texts. The only reason I haven't gone to see her myself is because of Ava. She sends me a text message every other day telling me she's fine or not doing so good, but she won't go into anything specifics. She doesn't want to betray Cat's confidence in her.

Here she comes now sashaying into the glass doors of the restaurant dressed to the nines. White scarf artfully draped around her neck, designer bag that probably cost as much as her rent and long cobalt blue wool trench. Like she owns the place, she has all day, I don't. She better not tell me she was getting her nails done and that's why she's late. I watch her work her southern magic on the maître d'. I can practically hear the southern accent from where I'm sitting with the body language and all. She scans the room and tilts her head toward me. She turns back to the maître d' whispers something to him that makes him laugh and he kisses the back of her hand before she walks over to the table.