Independent Jenny (14 page)

Chapter Thirty-One

The sound of Will’s voice made my insides light up. I straightened my pyjamas and opened the door. Fern ran in past me. I looked at Will.

“Sorry, I just felt … weird about the way things were left between us. And … I didn’t want you to be on your own tonight,” he said.

“Thank you,” I told him and let him in. “I was just going to bed.”

“That’s okay. I’ll just be in the other room.”

“You sure?”

“It’s more comfortable than that single cold lumpy one at Guy’s.”

I laughed, relieved he was here and yet sorry I’d have to bid him good bye a second time in the morning. We lingered in the hallway a moment.

“You want a drink before bed?” I asked him.

“Maybe another hot chocolate?” He smiled and went into the kitchen. I followed him and watched as he prepared them. We sat on the sofas and I told him about Hayley.

“Wow, seems a bit cruel,” he said, sipping his drink.

“I know. Poor Kieran.”

“Will you be alright driving back on your own?”

“Yeah, I think so. I’ll take regular breaks. Drink coffee.”

“What are you going to say to Ross?”

“I haven’t even thought about it,” I admitted. “He’s expecting us to be together when I get back. There’s so much to do, so much to sort out.”

He nodded. “You’ll get through it.”

I didn’t want to ask about what he was going to do when he got home.

“And his brother?”

“I don’t know,” I told him honestly. I hadn’t even given Aiden much thought. “It feels like such a long time since I saw them. This week has flown by, yet it feels like I’ve been here a lot longer.”

“I know what you mean.”

“I better get to bed, long journey tomorrow.” I got up and washed up our cups.

“Well, thanks for coming back tonight,” I said. “Goodnight Will.” I turned towards my bedroom.

“You remember how we used to snuggle in bed?”

I spun back around to face him.

“Yes?” I asked, my heart pounding.

“We’d lie there all morning, cuddling up, clothes on so our parents didn’t think we were doing anything, but just holding each other?”

I nodded and smiled at the memory.

“Want to do that tonight?”

I looked up at him.

“How would your wife feel about that, Will?”

He swallowed. “Look, Jenny, I can’t say for sure how I feel about her, and I know it was wrong to kiss you, and perhaps to even be here. But I do know that I’ve had a great time with you and you’re the best friend I’ve got right now. And it’s cold and I wouldn’t mind a cuddle with my friend. So what do you say? No funny business. Just snuggling up.”

I hesitated for a second.

“Okay. Clothes on.”

“Of course.”

So there I lay, my last night on Skye, wrapped up in the arms of the man I was pretty sure I’d fallen in love with, wondering what my husband would say when I told him it was over; wondering if Will loved Mandy, or me, or neither. Wondering if I’d ever have a man to hold me like this ever again. I fell asleep feeling contented yet sad.

Chapter Thirty-Two

The following morning, I woke up with my head on Will’s chest and knew this had been a bad idea. Now it would be even harder to leave. I listened to his deep breathing and then moved my head up slightly so that I could see his chin. He hadn’t shaved for a few days, and the dark stubble suited him. I was tempted to run my finger along his jaw but resisted.

I closed my eyes and imagined slipping my hand under his pyjama trousers and waking him up the way I used to when we were randy teens. I bet he’s learned some new moves since then. My whole body tingled at the thought.

Yes, Jenny, he has learned some new moves, which he’s been practising with his wife. The thought shook me from my daydream and I slowly moved away, leaving him to sleep while I tiptoed around the bedroom getting ready, trying to delay the awkward moment when Will realised we were acting like a couple without actually being one and married to other people, in fact. When he eventually woke up, I was in the kitchen and he called a cheerful hello before going straight into the shower.

He then helped me clean up the last few bits, load my stuff in the car and set up my sat nav for me while I put Wentworth into the back.

“Thanks for sorting out Gertie,” I told him. He frowned.

“I named the sat nav,” I said, shrugging my shoulders.

“That’s rather cute,” he said, smiling. Then he looked away quickly and shifted from foot to foot. He looked about as comfortable as I felt.

“I hate this,” I said, taking a deep breath to stop myself from getting tearful.

“Saying goodbye? Me too. I’ve had such a great time with you.”

“Well yes, but I mean this awkwardness.” I moved my hand back and forth in the space between us. “We were fine before, all easy going and relaxed, and now we both feel weird.”

“Yeah, I know.” He sighed. “Next time we see each other, the kiss will be a distant memory and we’ll just be like friends again, right?”

That’s not what I wanted and I was pretty sure he knew it. I didn’t have any idea that we’d see each other again anyway, and I certainly couldn’t forget the kiss as easily as he was obviously going to.

“Right,” I said, taking another deep breath. “Yes, so … keep in touch.”

“I will. Be careful driving back. Take regular breaks and text me when you arrive.”

I gave him a hard but brief hug and got into the car quickly. He stood outside the cottage and waved me off as I drove down the track. Leaving him was a lot harder this time than it had been ten years ago, not only emotionally but physically, seeing as I was driving down a country lane crying my eyes out. I should really have stopped but I knew he wouldn’t be far behind me and I didn’t want him to see me like this.

Wentworth let out a big sigh in the back.

“I know, I know, I miss them already too,” I told him.

Once I’d taken a road in the opposite direction to the farm, I pulled over and dabbed a tissue on my eyes. I had a long way to go, and it’d take me forever if I didn’t pull myself together. I took a swig of water and set off again, feeling calmer albeit just as sad.

The journey back seemed to take forever. I took regular breaks, stopping a few times at service stations to eat, stretch my legs, and wonder what Will was doing now. Wentworth was his usual laid-back self and slept most of the way.

As I passed mile after mile of motorway, I thought long and hard about how I’d tell Ross that it was over. I couldn’t afford the mortgage on our house so I was going to have to find somewhere to live and I had no idea what I could afford. I hoped I could manage to rent a flat or small house for me and Wentworth. I even wondered if Kieran would rent me a room for a couple of months, since I knew he might struggle with his bills with Hayley gone. Poor Kieran. How was I going to face him when I got back?

And then there was Aiden. Ross and I were over, so was it Aiden’s turn now? I was curious but uneasy about the whole thing and every time I tried to think about being back at home, maybe going on a date with Aiden, my mind would drift back to Will and replay our time together.

Finally, twelve hours after leaving Will, I pulled up outside home. It felt like a long time since I’d been there. Wentworth ran happily to the front door, wagging his tail, and I let us in. Ross wasn’t there, which was good. I was glad he’d honoured my wishes and relieved to have the house to myself, although there were traces of him everywhere; dirty cups, socks on the landing, the bathroom was dirty and the bed was unmade. I sighed as I walked around, annoyed he’d not bothered and sad this wouldn’t be my home for much longer. I put my clothes in the wash, got clean sheets out, and climbed into bed with a cup of tea.

I opened up my laptop and found a bunch of emails, mostly from potential clients making enquiries for next year. But also one from Will, sent only this morning, not long after I’d left.

Chapter Thirty-Three

I didn’t open Will’s email immediately, wondering if how I would feel if he was telling me he wanted to be with me. Then I scolded myself for having such high hopes and silly thoughts and clicked on it, to see what he had to say.

Hi Jenny,

I’m sorry how things were left between us. I know it was awkward after the fun we had this week, and it should have ended with fun too. I hope we can be friends like we talked about. I really enjoyed your company and talking with you over the past few days.

Hayley and Guy have been off working the farm this morning and seem very loved up. I’m happy for them but I do feel bad for this guy she was engaged to. Anyway, I hope you had a good journey back and that we can keep in touch. I’m sorry, again.

Love,

Will.

I replied to say I was home safe, that I was sorry too and yes, we’d definitely keep in touch. I was tempted to add a ‘let me know how it goes with Mandy’ but refrained. I did add:

PS: Wentworth is missing Fern. He enjoyed his holiday romance!

Then I called Aiden.

“Hi Jenny.”

He sounded on edge.

“Hi, how are you?”

“I’m good, how’re you? How was Skye?”

“I’m tired but fine. Skye was wonderful. Really beautiful place.”

“Good, I’m glad you had a nice time.”

“Are you with Ross?”

“No, I’m at home, not sure where he is, I haven’t seen him since you’ve been gone.”

“Okay, well, can I see you tomorrow?”

“Yes, definitely. I’d like that.”

“Okay, I’ll text you, and we can arrange something.”

I had no idea what I’d say to Aiden, or what I wanted from him any more than I did before I went away. But I liked hearing his voice.

Next, I called Ross, feeling nervous.

“Hi babe, are you back?”

“Yes, where are you?”

“I’m just at The Fox around the corner, see you in a minute.”

“No, I’m really tired. I’m going to sleep. How about you sleep in the spare room and we’ll talk in the morning?”

“Oh, okay,” he sounded disappointed. “I really wanted to see you tonight.”

“I’ve had a long drive, on my own. Hayley didn’t come back.”

“Why?”

“Can we talk tomorrow?”

“Sure. Okay, see you in the morning.”

I somehow managed to get to sleep despite the nerves fluttering around in my chest. Was I really about to end my marriage, and go it alone?

The next morning I woke early and felt sick with nerves, waiting for him to wake up. I wasn’t sure how he was going to take the news and I wanted to sort out all the practical things as soon as I could. I heard him get up and come down the stairs and Wentworth ran to greet him.

“Hi Wenty, oh I missed you and your mum so much,” I heard him saying in the hall. The sound of his voice sounded so familiar and I started feeling anxious about what I was about to say.

He came into the living room and smiled at me and for a split second I considered telling him I’d try and make it work. He wasn’t the guy who cheated, or the guy who left his socks around the house. He was Ross. The man I’d met and married and loved, once. I’d forgotten how attractive I found him. Up until recently, our life had been okay. Surely it’d be easier to stay together than split everything, find a new home, and start to date again. Suddenly I understood Will’s reluctance to end his marriage.

The thought of Will made me realise that I must end it. How could I settle for ‘okay’ when I knew how amazing it could be when you were with someone you connected with so well?

Ross sat down opposite me and smiled. I smiled back.

“It’s over, isn’t it? I can tell by the look on your face,” he said sadly, his eyes filling up with tears.

“Yes. I’m sorry.”

“You can’t forgive me?”

“Maybe I could, but really Ross, we’ve grown apart. Surely you realise that?”

“I know things haven’t been that great, but we can get that back.”

“I think it’s too late.”

“Right. So I have no say in this?”

“I had no say in you cheating on me.”

“I’ll regret that as long as I live.”

“No regrets, Ross. We had a great few years together, but this whole thing has woken me up to the fact that we’ve grown apart.”

He nodded and bit his lip. I went and sat beside him and we hugged for a few minutes. He had a few tears and I felt sorry for him. “We can be friends,” I said quietly.

“That’d be nice,” he said, taking a deep breath.

“You can stay in the house, if you want,” I said after he’d calmed down. “I can’t afford to live here alone.”

“Where would you go?”

“I don’t know, maybe I’ll stay with Shane for a week or two and then find somewhere to rent.”

“What about Wentworth?”

“He’ll be coming with me.”

“He’s my dog too.”

There was no way I was giving up Wentworth.

“You don’t even like to walk him, Ross.”

“Well maybe I can come and visit him. And you.”

“Sure.”

“And look after him if you go away.”

“Okay, sounds good.”

“I can’t believe we’re having this conversation.”

“Me too,” I admitted. “But I’m starting to move on, Ross, and I know it’s scary but you will too.”

“Starting to move on?” His tone changed and he frowned. “Did you sleep with someone else while you were away?”

“What? Why would you think that?”

“You just seem different, detached somehow.”

“I did meet someone, yes, but I didn’t sleep with him.”

I wasn’t sure why I’d told him that but he needed to know it was over for sure, and maybe that’d help.

“Not sure I believe that.”

“Believe what you want to, Ross,” I said, sighing. I didn’t want to argue and it hardly seemed relevant now.

“A holiday fling, huh?” he said, choking on his words a little.

“I saw someone I used to know, we had a bit of a thing for a couple of days, yes. It wasn’t serious and I did not sleep with him. I guess it helped me to move on.”

He gulped and nodded. “It really is over.”

“Yes, I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m the one who should be sorry.”

We talked for a while about how we’d separate our stuff, take my name off of the mortgage, arrange a divorce. It ended up being quite a mature, adult conversation and he handled it better than I’d expected him to.

I left him watching television while I gathered up as many of my things as I could fit into my car. I swept around the house: the house I’d loved from the moment the annoying estate agent had shown us around; the house I’d decorated and made my own; the house I’d thought I’d start a family in, and wondered how things could change so quickly.

“I guess I’ll call you later?” I said to Ross in the doorway. He went to stand up.

“No, don’t come and hug me,” I told him. “It’s not a good bye. We’ll still be friends, right?”

He nodded sadly. “Okay, see you later.”

I smiled and left, and as I shut the front door, relief flooded over me. It lasted about two minutes before the panic set in. I was single. Alone. Eternal spinsterhood was on the horizon.