Independent Jenny (18 page)

Chapter Forty-One

I stood on Kieran and Hayley’s doorstep and hesitated. I wasn’t sure I was up to this, but I’d promised her I’d help. I raised my hand slowly and rang the doorbell. Kieran opened the door, looking pale and tired. He hadn’t shaved for a while and his hair was a mess.

“Hey, Jenny.”

“Hi.”

“Come in.”

“I’m really sorry about this.”

He had some boxes stacked up in the hallway and had already put some of Hayley’s books and photo albums inside.

“It’s okay. Thanks for helping. I can’t believe she’s not coming down to do it herself.”

“It does seem rather cowardly,” I admitted. I’d lost any loyalty I had for Hayley when she called to ask me to sort out her stuff and didn’t ask me how I was, how things were with Ross, or what I was doing. I was helping for Kieran’s sake, not hers.

We went about the house, using a list she’d given me, putting together the clothes she wanted, throwing those she didn’t want into a bag for the charity shop, and chatting about old times; times when we’d both been happier, in love, and ignorant of what was going to happen.

“You remember that first night we went to that Italian place? Hayley got really drunk.”

I laughed. “That was funny. I think Ross was quite drunk too, actually.”

“Oh yeah, didn’t he and Hayley start arguing about something?”

“Yes! I can’t remember what about now. Was it something to do with the government?”

“Yeah, I think so. I don’t think either of them really knew what they were talking about.”

I gave a gentle laugh at the memory. It had been a fun evening: Italian food, Italian wine, laughter, banter and the kind of fun you can only have with really good friends. And yet how little we knew each other. Who’d have thought that Ross and Hayley would end up betraying us? Who’d have thought we’d be in such a different place, less than a year on? Not me, that’s for sure.

“How things change, eh?”

“Yep.”

Kieran smiled sadly and turned back to her DVD collection.

“You think you’ll ever get back with Ross? I saw him last week; he still loves you.”

“He said that?”

“Yes.”

I thought of Will for a second then shook the thought away and realised it was Aiden I should be thinking of. “I don’t think so. Too much has happened. How can you trust someone ever again?”

“I wish I could say the same but things with Hayley were great, you know? We got on so well, we were going to start planning a wedding. I really thought this was it, but I suppose she was thinking something entirely different.”

“If it’s any consolation, she did tell me she loved you, before we went to Skye.”

“Not really, but thank you.”

“You’ll pick yourself up and move on.”

“I know. I’m starting to accept it now. I think being single might not be so bad.”

“Really? You don’t think it’s kind of terrifying to be alone again?”

“Nah,” he said, winking at me. “I can do whatever I want, whenever I want.”

“Actually, that does sound kind of appealing.”

Kieran looked at me, confused.

“I’ve kind of been seeing someone else since I got back from Skye. But maybe it was too soon to get into another relationship.”

Huh. I’d not realised how I felt about this whole Aiden thing until I said it out loud.

“Yeah, well, we’re all different. I think I want some time to adjust, to re-think how things are going to go. It’s easy to rush into something because being single sounds kind of scary, but you know what? It’s not. You don’t need a relationship to be happy.”

“I wish my mother would understand that.”

“She’s pushing you to find another husband already?”

“No, I mean for herself. She’s terrified of being alone.”

“How can you know what you’re really like, what you really want out of life, if you’re always considering the happiness of another person? Take some time to re-evaluate. That’s my advice, anyway. That’s what I’m going to do.”

He seemed so much more together than I was; so much more in control.

“You want a sandwich before you go?”

“If you really don’t mind?”

“It’s the least I can do. Although it’s Hayley who owes you really, I’d have just sent it all to the charity shop if you hadn’t called.”

“She doesn’t deserve much better, I guess.”

“Maybe. But it doesn’t do anyone any good to be bitter. At least I know I always treated her with respect and kindness. She can’t know the same thing about me.”

He gave me a sad smile and pulled out some bread. I watched him, chopping salad and carefully placing cold meat on the bread and wondered how he’d managed to be so … together. Why hadn’t I managed that? What was his secret?

He’d have no trouble finding someone, when he was ready. He was good-looking, kind, caring … oh, and he made excellent sandwiches.

“Yum, thank you,” I told him after my first bite. We were sitting side by side on the sofa, surveying all the boxes in front of us.

“Just think, a year from now, we’ll both look back and wonder what we were doing with those losers.”

I looked at him and smiled. “Yup. We’re better off.”

“Definitely.”

He looked at me again and for a brief second I thought he might be about to kiss me. I panicked and took a large bite of my sandwich to make sure my mouth was full. Kieran was gorgeous, but I wasn’t going to let him use me for revenge, however much Hayley might deserve it. I finished my sandwich, gave him a quick hug goodbye and told him a courier would be there to collect Hayley’s stuff tomorrow.

When I got home, I was just about to put the key in the door when Ross opened it.

His handsome face grinned as his eyes met mine and I felt a little spark inside my chest. Oh, how I’d loved that face once. How he’d made me smile and encouraged me with my career. He’d given me some of the most romantic moments of my life and then he’d ruined it all. The hurt came flooding back.

I smiled at him and said hello as he opened the door wide enough to let me in.

“I was just going home,” Ross told me. “Nice to see you, Jen.”

“You too,” I said, smiling and realising I meant it. Ross closed the door behind him.

“Everything okay?” Aiden asked as I followed him into the kitchen. “You look a bit pale.”

“Fine. How’s Ross?”

His eyes flicked away from the kettle he was filling and to my face. He looked hurt. Was it always going to be this way? Was I always going to remember the intimate times every time I saw Ross? Would Aiden always see that and feel hurt and jealous?

“He’s okay. He’s accepting things, I think.”

This information filled me with a mixture of joy and sadness at the same time.

I left him making the tea and went to sit with Wentworth on the sofa. I still felt like a guest here, I hadn’t settled and somehow something wasn’t right. Aiden came in smiling, but he looked anxious.

“What’s wrong?”

“Just some stuff Ross said about you being on the rebound.”

“He’s just jealous and saying stuff to unsettle you.”

“Yeah, but he’s right, isn’t he? You are on the rebound.”

“I’m fine, don’t be silly.”

I changed the subject then. I wasn’t ready for a long conversation about my feelings. I hardly knew what I felt about anything or anyone, so I sure as hell wasn’t ready to discuss them with a man who’d shown me love, opened up his home to me, and been nothing but lovely ever since this whole mess started.

We watched TV and I relaxed, but I still had a nagging feeling at the back of my mind that I’d made the wrong choice. I’d been quick to make all these big decisions and suddenly, even ending things with Ross seemed like it was rushed. I’d been confused because of Will, and Aiden, and I hadn’t really thought it through in detail. Maybe if I had, we could have somehow got back into a good place. Maybe I could have trusted him again, and maybe we could have got back what we had when we were first together.

The thought surprised and alarmed me. It was too late to consider being back with him now. Wasn’t it?

Chapter Forty-Two

The next morning, I took photos of a couple and their new baby. After I said goodbye, thoughts of Ross and the baby we never planned started buzzing in my head. Despite what he’d done, I still felt he’d make a good father someday; he loved children and had a lot of time for them. The thought that he’d probably become a father with someone else made me ache inside. If I stayed with Aiden, that’d make me Ross’ children’s Aunt. How strange. Would I rather be the mother? I tried to push the confusing thoughts out of my head and was just about to sit down and look at the photos I’d taken, when my laptop started alerting me to my mother’s incoming Skype call.

“Hi darling, how are you doing?”

“I was just thinking about Ross actually.”

“Oh yes?”

“Yeah, just about how things were. We were happy, I don’t know when or how we stopped being happy.”

“I’ve often thought that about some of my ex-husbands. It all seemed so great in the beginning and then somehow, it just goes wrong. I think people get complacent.”

“Yeah, I guess so. I suppose I took it for granted that we’d be together forever. You know, I’m starting to realise it wasn’t all his fault. I thought we were happy, but we weren’t. We were coasting. We weren’t making the effort we used to.”

“How’s it going with Aiden?”

“It’s good, yeah. It’s nice.”

“And have you been having fun with him?”

“Yes, fun, but I don’t know Mum, the spark for me is fading already. I’m not sure I’m falling in love or anything.”

“It’s not all about love, Jenny, or spark. It’s about finding a decent man, and Lord knows there’s not many of them out there, and so long as you can trust him and get along reasonably well, that’s enough. This isn’t the movies.”

This thought seemed so depressing I couldn’t find an answer.

“Yeah, maybe you’re right,” I said, not wishing to discuss it any further. I was bored of thinking about it.

“Well, see how it goes.”

“So how are you?”

“I’m well, very well. But I’m having doubts about Ken.”

Of course she was.

“How so?”

“I don’t know. He plays a lot of golf.”

“So you think he’s having an affair?”

“I don’t know.”

“Are you happy, do you love him? You said he was your best friend.”

“He was.”

“So?”

“So, I don’t know.”

“Have you ever lived alone Mum?”

“Umm, let me think. Well, I moved straight from my parent’s house in with your father. Then, I went straight to living with Henrich. Then I ran off with Gordy, you remember him? He was so handsome. Then when he left me, I stayed in a hotel for a week or so before I went travelling with his friend, Ron … Let me think … you know what? No – I’ve never been alone for more than a week or two. I don’t think it’d suit me much, do you? I’d get depressed if I was a spinster. No, far better to find a new man as soon as you’re done with the last.”

She laughed nervously. Somehow, this made me even sadder.

“Do you ever think, maybe if you’d waited, just been on your own for a bit, you might not have just settled for what was right there in front of you?”

“Maybe, I don’t know.”

“Hmm…”

“What?”

“I just think the thought of being single terrified me. I expected to be with Ross forever. Then Aiden was right there, offering his heart up and I took it without really thinking about whether I wanted him.”

“That seems a bit cruel, Jenny.”

“I know. I like him a lot but … just not as much as he likes me.”

“Well, give it time. I wasn’t sure about Albert when I met him, but he was the man I think I loved the most, God rest him.”

“I’m sorry, Mum.”

“Look, you do what you think is best. But I’m telling you now, being alone is no fun at all.”

“How would you know?”

“Well, after Albert.”

“You met Wayne not long after.”

“Wayne was my cruel mistake too. I used him.”

I sighed.

“I’m sorry, dear, I need to go,” she said with the familiar sign that she didn’t want to talk about the men she’d been with anymore than I wanted to remember them all, either.

I said goodbye, grabbed my coat and walked to Shane’s, where I repeated the conversation while munching on chocolate cookies, watching him put up signs in the window for his new marketing campaign: Free cupcake Thursdays. I got free cupcakes every day but I was still coming down on Thursday for an extra freebie.

“Chill, Jenny,” he said after I’d repeated the conversation. He stroked his beard and took a sip from a cup of coffee.

“But it’s all such a mess.”

“Her life is a mess. You can still clean yours up.”

“I can’t keep living with Aiden, can I?”

“No, maybe not. But you know what? You’re gonna be just fine on your own. You’ll have Wentworth, and I’ll come round all the time.”

“Will you drop everything every time I need a new light bulb?”

“How about I show you how to change one yourself?”

“Okay. And maybe buy me a step ladder.”

He laughed. “Sounds like a good house-warming present.”

“What am I going to tell Aiden?”

“Just be honest with him.”

“Ugh. Sounds hard.”

“It will be, but better now than months or years down the road, right?”

“Yeah,” I sighed. “I just wish I hadn’t got myself into this mess.”

“You were fragile and lost and he offered you what you thought you needed. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

“Maybe I could join a dating site.”

“Jeez, Jenny! Give yourself some time, why are you so desperate to find the next love of your life? You complain about your mother but you’re just like her.”

Well, he didn’t have to say it, even if it were true. I glared at him.

“I’m just telling you the truth.”

I bit my lip.

“You need to know what you want from a relationship. How can you know that if you keep jumping from one person to the next?”

“I know what I want. Friendship and bonding and mutual interests. Like I had with Will that week on Skye.”

“That was a holiday, not real life.”

“I know.”

“You’re starting to bore me now.”

“Gee, thanks Shane.”

“Stop whinging and sort your life out! You’re in control of your destiny, Jen. Starting right now. Sort. It. Out. Go!”