Independent Jenny (23 page)

Chapter Fifty-Two

Later that week Shane and I set about preparing for the trip; Andrew said he’d happily stay home and look after the cafe and the dogs for the weekend. Shane said we could take his car and share the driving. We planned our route and I thought about what a different place I was in now, mentally, to when I was planning the first trip to Skye with Hayley. What a lot had happened in that time. I’d left Bath a scared, hurt wife and returned a slightly happier, more upbeat ready-for-a-divorce woman. And since then I’d messed Aiden around, I’d gone to an ice hockey match I’d rather forget … but I was finding myself. Perhaps this trip would allow me to get some closure on Will and finally tick the last box on my becoming independent list. I didn’t need him, or any man. I was doing it alone and I was doing fine, as it turned out. And if Ross and I dated for a while, perhaps we’d be happy again. But if not – that was okay, too.

I pictured myself shining the feminism medal I would surely receive sometime soon, and walked home that night imagining myself as the British Beyoncé. Or perhaps just Keira Knightly in those adverts for Chanel. I was a cool, calm, confident woman in control of her own life.

Then I lay down in bed and thought about being at the wedding with Will and his wife. Eek.

Hayley emailed me detailed instructions about the bridesmaid dress she wanted me to buy, which I loved the second I saw it: a dark magenta, knee length in a floaty chiffon material. I’d never heard of the designer but the price tag was high enough to know it was someone pretentious – sorry – well-known. I had the shop assistant, a serious looking girl named Megan with perfect eyebrows, call Hayley who gave her credit card number.

“She says I also need to help you pick some shoes,” Megan said as she hung up the phone.

“Oh, I can do that,” I said, smiling.

“No, she said you’ll need help.”

“I guess I’m fashion-challenged!” I said, laughing awkwardly.

Megan looked at my current outfit – skinny jeans and a t-shirt I’d had so long I forgot where I bought it – and nodded her head in confirmation.

“Come with me.”

An hour later I was walking around my studio, hoping the silver strappy sandals Hayley had also paid for would be more comfortable when I’d worn them in a bit. I wasn’t used to high heels and the risk of my falling over, especially after a few glasses of bubbles, seemed pretty high.

I was just taking them off when my laptop buzzed to tell me my mum was calling me for a video chat. I told her about Hayley, showed her the dress, and she whooped with excitement and said she loved a good wedding – well, we all knew that already, I felt like saying but didn’t – and asked me lots of worrying questions about money, about being alone at night, and finally the weather.

“You know, Sadie has lived alone since university. Do you ask her all these questions?”

“Sadie has always been strong and independent. You were always clingy. Plus you always had Ross, well since a young age.”

“Well, I’m quite happy,” I told her. “Honestly. I’ve had my ups and downs but I’m finally starting to feel good about my life again.”

“Well, that’s wonderful to know. I’m happy for you.”

I deliberately didn’t tell her I might be getting back together with Ross; I knew she’d encourage and push me to make it happen, and I still wasn’t sure how I felt about it all.

We finished with yet another empty promise from me about coming to visit.

I gazed out of the window for a while and considered if visiting Mum might actually be a good plan. Get some distance; forget about all the emotional ups and downs of the past year. Let Andrew have some Shane time without me calling every ten minutes.

And that’s when I realised it. I really was independent. I was coping financially – just about; I was thinking about taking trips on my own. I was making decisions about what to eat, what to do with my time, what to watch on TV, just simple every day decisions, but based solely on what I wanted and what would make me happy. And I liked it.

Still, Independent Jenny might be getting her life together; but she was still thinking a lot about a certain man. A married, unobtainable man.

As Friday got closer, I felt more and more nervous about seeing Will and Mandy. I wasn’t sure how I’d cope but when I said so to Shane, he said it’d be fine and maybe I wouldn’t even have the same feelings when I saw him. I didn’t believe that’d be the case but just knowing Shane would be there with me providing rational advice and a drunken shoulder to cry on, was kind of reassuring.

Three hours into the journey however, I wasn’t sure having him along was a good idea.

“How much further?” he asked as we swapped turns for driving.

“Another seven, eight hours maybe,” I told him.

“Wow, it’s such a long, long way.”

“It’ll seem even longer if you moan every other mile. Put some music on or something.”

He did as I suggested and onwards we went, slowly getting closer to our friend, and to her fiancé, and his brother. Eek. And his sister-in-law. Double-eek.

Shane relaxed a bit once we passed Glasgow. He was enthusiastic about the mountains, although they weren’t as visible as when I’d seen them a few months ago; it was raining and the water made the view hazy.

“It really is stunning,” Shane said, peering out of the window. “I can see why you fell in love with this area.”

“I fell in love with Skye,” I told him. “But yes I love it here too.”

“I’m looking forward to seeing this Will.”

“I’m not.”

“I know. But you’ll be fine.”

“So you keep saying.”

“What can go wrong? It’ll feel a bit weird but he’s not going to chat to you non-stop with his wife there, is he?”

He had a point.

“I’ll just get drunk and forget he’s there, I guess.”

“Good plan. Just go easy in those shoes.”

I chuckled. “Perhaps I’ll take them off after the ceremony.”

“Good idea, I hate to see a woman cripple her feet in the name of fashion.”

“I can’t believe Hayley’s getting married like this, so fast.”

“Well, she’s loved this guy, what’s his name?”

“The guy’s name is Guy.”

“Oh yeah,” Shane laughed. “She’s loved Guy since she was … what, fifteen?”

“True.”

“Sometimes you just know, I suppose.”

I thought about Will and sighed. “Yes, I suppose.”

“Hurrah, the bridge!” he said as it came into view.

“Not long now,” I told him.

The happy hormones started to buzz around as we crossed the bridge, and then finally we were on the Isle of Skye. I was thrilled to be here again, despite the very different and potentially awkward circumstances. I wondered if Will and Mandy had arrived yet. I hoped not. I wanted to spend as little time around them as possible.

We drove along the familiar roads, up and down hills, passed sheep, looked down on the town of Uig. The sky was grey, it was drizzly and not so bright and pleasant as the sunny week I’d enjoyed here with Will, and yet it was still beautiful. I’d rather spend a cold rainy day on Skye than be at home in the sunshine.

When we came to the familiar track, I jumped out and opened the gate for Shane to drive through. And then we were driving down the lane, and there was Guy’s house. And outside, next to his Land Rover, was Will’s Audi.

Chapter Fifty-Three

“Jenny! Shane!” Hayley whooped from the doorway as we got out of the car. It was still raining heavily and we ran to her and enjoyed a group hug. It was good to hug her again. She smelled of her same favourite perfume and her hair was longer and falling about her shoulders in big waves. The anger I’d felt when I last saw her had all gone now. She was happy, and as it turned out, perhaps she had made the right choices, even if she’d gone about it all in the wrong way.

She ushered us into the house, which had changed dramatically. The old faded wallpaper had been stripped and replaced with bright colourful paint. The clutter was gone, the furniture had been polished. She’d turned the house around and made it her own, and it looked amazing.

“I love what you’ve done with the place,” I told her. She smiled.

“Thank you. It needed a woman’s touch.”

Guy, Will and Mandy didn’t seem to be around and I didn’t want to ask why not.

Hayley gestured for us to sit in the living room and fetched us cups of tea. Once settled, she told us all about the past several months, about her job and Guy and the house. Then she asked about us and we filled her in. It was just like old times and I was glad we’d come. She didn’t mention the others or where they were, and I was on edge every creak or noise that came, wondering if they were about to appear.

“Where is your darling husband to be then?” Shane asked as if reading my mind.

“Oh, his brother arrived a while ago and they went out to see the sheep. One of them had a dodgy leg yesterday so Will’s going to take a look. He’s a vet.”

My heart fluttered at the sound of his name, and I tried hard to look composed. So had Mandy gone with them too? I was confused. Had she not come? I was desperate to ask but didn’t want Hayley to know anything was going on so I kept quiet.

“Let me get us fresh tea,” she said. “Come with me into the kitchen though, I need to keep talking.”

We followed her through and yet more improvements had been made in the kitchen. It was like a different house. She’d done well.

“I’m so sorry I haven’t kept in touch,” she was saying to Shane. “I’m so stupid, I just cut myself off from everyone but I’ve really missed you guys.”

Shane was telling her it was fine just as the back door swung open and Guy appeared, followed by Will behind him. We locked eyes and everything came flooding back; the kiss, the holding hands, the sunsets, the talking, the laughing, the cuddles in bed.

And he’s married, I told myself. But where was his wife?

“Jenny!” Guy said, coming over to give me a brief hug. “And you must be Shane?” They shook hands.

Will and I looked at each other. “I didn’t know you were coming,” Will said, smiling at me. I smiled back.

“Yes, Hayley invited us just a few days ago.”

“Same here, Guy called me on Monday.”

“This is Shane,” Hayley told Will and they shook hands. Will looked at Shane and back at me. Did he think we were a couple? I wanted to tell him that we weren’t, but didn’t know how to bring it up.

Fern suddenly bounded into the room and ran right up to me. I bent down to fuss her and glanced up at Will. He was staring at us but not smiling.

“I was just going to take her for a walk actually,” Will said. “Since it’s stopped raining.” He called her over while the others started to move back into the living room.

“I’ll come,” I said, before I had time to think about it. “If you don’t mind? Could do with stretching my legs after the long journey.”

He gave me a warm, affectionate smile and I went to get my shoes. I glanced at Shane as I came back past them and he winked at me.

“Come on Fern,” Will called, and she ran back out of the back door. He followed her and I went out behind him. It was cold outside, but the sun had come out and the clouds were clearing. We started walking towards the hill we’d climbed the first time Hayley and I had come here.

Chapter Fifty-Four

“You didn’t bring Wentworth?” Will asked, glancing at me. He’d put his hands in his pockets and I wished I’d looked for signs of his wedding ring when I’d first seen him.

“No, we’re staying at the hotel so I left him at home.”

“Guy never mentioned you were coming.”

“It was all a bit last minute wasn’t it?”

“You can say that again.”

He seemed different; a bit cold and distant. Perhaps I shouldn’t have invited myself along. He’d told me we couldn’t be friends after all.

“So how are you?” I asked, feeling awkward and wondering why I was putting myself through this.

“I’m well, thank you. And you?” He sounded so formal and serious.

“I’m good. Can’t believe they’re getting married.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m happy for them though.”

“Me too.”

He looked sideways at me and smiled and my heart did a little flip. If I’d not been sure I loved this man before, I was certain now. Where the hell was his wife? I wanted to ask but didn’t know how, and wasn’t sure I wanted the answer. Maybe she just couldn’t make it last minute.

“So you travelled up this morning? With Shane?”

“Yeah. Shane’s my friend. He’s gay,” I said, rather too quickly. “He’s not my boyfriend.”

“Ah, right,” he said, and was it just me or did he relax his shoulders?

“Are you here alone?”

“Yes … Mandy and I split up.”

Hurrah! I thought I might pass out with the giddy excitement that ran through me. But, when? He hadn’t contacted me. He hadn’t called. So he didn’t feel the same way about me, then? I was tempted to go back to the house and cry in the bathroom for a minute but forced myself to control my emotions.

“I’m really sorry to hear that.”

What a liar I was.

“I was stupid, really, to think that it’d work out when I went back. Deluded.”

“Well, at least you tried.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

We walked on, without looking at each other, Fern running ahead and picking up sticks. She’d bring them back to me and I’d throw them. If only we could all be as carefree and jolly as a golden retriever.

“So, you and Ross … did you decide to take him back?”

“No!” I said rather too enthusiastically, given the subject. “I’ve moved into a little flat, just me and Wentworth. We did go out on a date, actually but—”

“Look Jenny,” Will stopped and turned towards me. “I’m sorry about that last email. When I said we couldn’t be friends. And then you called and you sounded hurt and confused, and I didn’t even call you back. That was really bad of me.”

I looked up at him and smiled.

“It’s alright. I mean, I was a bit hurt, but I’m sure you had your reasons.”

He nodded and carried on walking. “It was Mandy.”

“Mandy?”

“She found that photo, of us with the dogs? The one you emailed me?” I nodded. “I printed it out and she found it.”

He’d printed it? Same as me. The butterflies inside me soared.

“Right…” I said, still not sure why that meant we couldn’t be friends.

“And so she asked a lot of questions and I told her everything. About our week here together, about the kiss, and the last night…”

I felt my pulse quicken as he mentioned all the moments I’d been replaying in my head over and over ever since I’d seen him.

“And she said you couldn’t keep in touch with me?”

“Yes, and can you blame her? She said I obviously had feelings for you and if we were going to make our marriage work, I couldn’t be friends with you.”

He obviously had feelings for me? Definitely a good thing, but now? What about now?

“I see.”

“I’m sorry, I should’ve explained but I was just confused and I wanted to give it a try, to try and be a good husband.”

“It’s okay, I understand. In fact I respect you for trying.”

“Thank you.”

“So what happened? How come it didn’t work out?”

“I think we both just realised it wasn’t worth fighting for any more.”

“When was this?”

“A couple of weeks ago.”

“Oh wow, I’m sorry, Will.”

“Don’t be. Life moves on, right?”

“So have you moved out?”

“Yeah, I’m staying in a flat above my practice. Not sure what my next move is.”

He could move to Bath, we could buy a house, he could open up a veterinary practice down there. We could have a nice little life together with our dogs. Come here on holidays and repeat that week we had together, not so long ago, and grow old together.

Just a suggestion. One I didn’t vocalise.

“It’s hard isn’t it, moving on.”

“Yeah, but you did it, right? So I’m sure I can too. I already am, really.”

I nodded and smiled. We had looped round and were headed back to the house. I had a feeling I was going to enjoy this weekend much more than I’d anticipated.

Hayley was preparing her infamous chicken and mushroom risotto and I went to help her in the kitchen while the men sat in the living room. I asked her if she knew what had happened between Will and Mandy.

“Not really. Guy said he thinks they just fell out of love.”

“It happens,” I said, trying not to sound too cheerful.

“He also said Will was pretty sure they’d work it all out before he came to Skye, but that he seemed different afterwards.”

“Hmm…” I said, chopping up the mushrooms. Was that because of me?

“It was you, wasn’t it? You changed his mind. What happened with you two while you were here?”

“All I can say is … I haven’t stopped thinking about him since I got home,” I told her quietly.

“Oh wow! We’ll be married to two brothers. It’ll be amazing!” she wrapped her arms around me from behind and rested her head on my shoulders. “We’ll be sisters-in-law.”

“Whoa,” I said, trying not to get my hopes up at such a nice image of being Will’s wife.

“We’re just friends. Who knows what’ll happen.”

“I saw the way you two looked at each other when he walked in.”

Really? He looked at me in a certain way? My insides swelled with pride and happiness.

“But we live so far apart, Hayley.”

“It’s not as far as here.”

“Still too far for a long-distance relationship.”

“Well, if it’s meant to be, it’ll be.”

I carried on with my chopping while she pottered about adding ingredients to her pan. I’d already googled the distance between me and Will, a long time ago. It was almost four hundred miles and six hours drive. No way could we make that work. Even if he wanted to, and he hadn’t shown me any signs that he did, even if Hayley’s romantic rose-tinted eyes thought he gave me a certain look; maybe it was just the memory of our time together. That was hardly the same as being so in love you’d move your whole life to the other end of the country.

Hayley chatted idly about her wedding plans, she’d bought a dress, made a load of cupcakes which she needed my help icing with their initials after dinner, and had made friends with a florist in Portree who was whipping her up some bouquets. She seemed so happy, it was hard to believe she was living down in Bath not that long ago.

“So how’s Kieran?” she asked as I tipped the mushrooms into her simmering risotto.

“I haven’t seen much of him, he was angry and hurt at first but I think he’s doing okay now.”

“Good, I’m glad he’s doing better. I do regret the way I treated him. It was pretty immature.”

“It’s done now, Hayley, don’t punish yourself.”

“You were pretty angry too, weren’t you?”

“Yes. But you know what, you’re happy and that’s all that matters now.”

“Thanks,” she said, giving my hand a squeeze. “I miss you.”

“I miss you too.”

“You loved it up here, didn’t you?”

“Yes, I don’t think I’ve been happier than that week.”

“So come visit, whenever you like,” she said happily.

“I will, thank you, but it is a long way.”

“Or you could move up here,” she said looking up from her pan.

“And work where exactly?”

“You could move your business up here. Cover the whole island, and the Hebrides. Just get a ferry back and forth. They run several times a day.”

The thought was kind of appealing. “I guess, but don’t you think I’d struggle to find enough business?”

“I don’t know. Something to consider, maybe.”

I loved the idea, but I just didn’t know how it’d possibly work. Hayley and her pipe dreams, as always.

“Dinner’s ready!” she called. “Put that bread on the table will you?” she gestured to me. I carried the breadbasket and sat down. Guy came in and poured us each a glass of wine.

“Thank you all for coming on such short notice,” he said.

“I can’t believe you’re getting married tomorrow,” Will told him, “and to this one. The one who got away all those years ago and came back, huh?”

Hayley giggled and Will glanced at me. Was I was ‘the one who got away’ for him? He’d said he loved me back then, then we found each other again and it was complicated. How about this time? I had three days to find out before we were separated from each other again.

Dinner was delicious and we had a very merry evening chatting and laughing. Shane eventually suggested we go to the hotel and settle in, and although I was disappointed to be leaving Will’s company, I reluctantly agreed. The journey was pretty tiring, after all.