Independent Jenny (19 page)

Chapter Forty-Three

That night I got home and threw my bag down in the hallway underneath the coat rack. I called Aiden’s name and he called back from the kitchen. I went in and saw he was just about to put pizzas in the oven.

“Can we talk, before you do that?” I asked him without looking him in the eye.

“Sure.” He followed me into the living room and we sat.

“You okay? You look nervous.”

“Yes, I’m fine.”

“You’re going to break up with me, aren’t you?”

I looked up at his sad face and finally I was honest, with both him and myself.

“I’m sorry Aiden. I care about you a lot, and I’m really attracted to you, but I’m just not ready for all of this.”

And although it was scary, I felt relieved as I admitted it. I looked up at Aiden to see his reaction.

“I guess I knew it was too good to be true. And maybe I rushed you into this whole thing. I’m sorry.”

The pain on his face was hard to take.

“No, I’m sorry. I used you to move on and it wasn’t fair, Aiden. I’m just not in the same place as you.”

“I knew you weren’t ready and I pushed you into it…pretty stupid really.”

“Well, we are all stupid sometimes. Especially me.”

“I don’t regret it. I got to be with you, if only for a short amount of time.”

“That’s really sweet, considering. I wish I could feel the same way you do, I really do.”

“Maybe in time…”

“I don’t think you should hope for that.”

I couldn’t say it out loud, but I didn’t feel the same way about him as I did about Will; or even Ross. So there was never going to be any hope for us. I knew I could feel so much more and I’d never be satisfied with anything less.

“Can we be friends?”

“Of course we can, I’d like that.”

“Good, me too.”

“I really am sorry, Aiden.”

“It’s fine, please don’t feel so guilty. I’m to blame too. So what’re you going to do now? Have you thought about it?”

“I don’t know. I suppose I need to find somewhere to live.”

“And Ross?”

“What about him?”

“Do you think you could ever forgive him and get back together?”

“No, I don’t think so.”

He looked relieved, but I had to admit to myself that I hadn’t quite shut that door yet. The more time had passed, the less angry I felt.

“You’ll meet someone else, Aiden. You’re such a lovely man. Really, you just need to forget me and find someone better, someone who’ll treat you well.”

“I’m alright. It’s okay, you care spare me the pep talk.”

“Okay.”

“Do you think … if I’d waited, if I’d let you be for a while and maybe asked you on a date in a few months to come, it might have been different?”

I considered this for a second, then thought yet again about the attachment and connection I had with Will. I wanted that again. I knew I couldn’t have it with him, he wasn’t available, but there had to be someone else I could feel that way about. Until I met that person, anyone else would be second best.

“I don’t think so, Aiden. I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying sorry, you can’t help how you feel.”

“I led you on.”

“Nah, you didn’t. I knew you weren’t in love with me. I just hoped you’d fall in love over time.”

“Sorry.”

“Seriously. No more sorrys!”

“Okay, sorry!” I squeezed his hand. “I’ll stay with Shane tonight. I’ll pop by tomorrow and get my stuff.”

“No problem. I might go out when you come.”

“Sure. Are you going to be okay?”

“Yes, don’t worry about me, I’m fine.”

He didn’t look fine, he looked like he might be about to get somewhat upset but I figured he’d rather I wasn’t around to see that, so after a brief hug, I left feeling sad and more than a little terrified.

Alone, alone, alone.

I thought about what Shane would say if he were right there in front of me. He’d give me a motivational speech about looking at the positives.

So … not alone. Free. Liberated. Self-sufficient. Independent.

The new, independent Jenny was here and I was sure, just as soon as I got used to her, I’d grow to love her.

Chapter Forty-Four

Andrew and Shane were out when I got back to their flat, but they’d left a key for me in the cafe. I let myself in and watched some TV for a while, laying on the sofa and eating crisps. But slobbing about wouldn’t be the best way to get on with the new independent, me so I grabbed my laptop and I browsed the internet for flats within walking distance of my studio and made an appointment to view one that looked quite nice. The next few days passed by with work, looking for flats, and walking Wentworth.

Eventually, I decided to email Will again.

Hi Will

In the three weeks since we last emailed so much has happened.

First, I broke up with Aiden. It just wasn’t right, and I feel really bad about it now because I think I used him a bit. He was gracious and understanding but I just didn’t know what to say to him. I am pretty sure I’ve done the right thing though; when it’s not right, it’s not right.

I have moved back in with my friends and I’m pretty sure I’m already driving them crazy to be honest, but tomorrow I am going to look at a flat, so that should be good. This is the new, independent Jenny and I quite like it. I’m figuring a lot of stuff out about myself and you know what? It’s good. I feel good.

How are things with Mandy?

Jenny x

I hesitated before hitting the send button. Whenever I thought about Will, I just wanted to call him and tell him that I was pretty sure I loved him. Our time on Skye may have been in a fake environment, far way from everyday life, but I felt more connected and in tune with him in those few days than I had with anyone else before, or since.

Two things were stopping me. Firstly, that he was married and may well be very happy with Mandy again. I didn’t want to get in the way of that. Secondly, he may well tell me he didn’t feel the same way and I didn’t think I could face the pain that would cause. The thought of it made me feel sick.

Anyway, as I reminded myself, he lived a long, long way away. It could never work.

Still, I couldn’t help myself from keeping in touch. So I clicked send and sat back to wonder what he’d think when he read it. I looked up at the photo of us on Skye, still pinned to my wall, and smiled.

It’d been just over two months since Hayley abandoned her whole life and I’d hardly heard from her. She had called me to say thank you for helping with her stuff, and I’d sent her a birthday card a week earlier, so she texted me to say thanks but that was it. I’d asked how it was going and she hadn’t replied. I just hoped she was happy, with the pigs and the sheep and the mud and the rain, and the harsh winter that was forecast was surely going to batter the Isle of Skye with more force than she’d ever seen before.

Yet, I was envious of her, up there, in that beautiful place, with the man she loved.

Someone knocked on the studio door and I looked at the clock. My next clients weren’t due to arrive for another hour and I wasn’t expecting anyone.

“Oh, Ross,” I said, as I opened the door to see my almost ex-husband standing in the rain.

“Come in,” I opened the door wider and he stepped inside, looking nervous. And, annoyingly, good looking. He always looked good with wet hair.

“How are you?” I asked as he took his soaking coat off.

“I’m fine. How’re you?”

“I’m good. I’m looking at a flat tomorrow so I should be able to come and sort out the furniture and stuff then.”

“That’s fine. I’m not interrupting you?”

“No, no clients for another hour. Aren’t you at work today?”

“Took a few days off.”

“Tea?”

“Sure, thanks.”

I went and put the kettle on, wondering why he was here. It was weird hearing he had a few days off. I wasn’t in his life anymore and not hearing what was going on and why seemed strange.

“How’s Aiden?” I asked as he appeared in the doorway.

“He’s alright. I haven’t seen him much.”

“You should. He didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“I know. We’ll figure it out.”

“I’m sorry I hurt him.”

“He’s a big boy. And he knew you were going through some stuff.”

I looked up at him while stirring our drinks.

“Yeah, well…”

“I miss you, Jenny.”

“I miss you too.”

“Really?”

“Yes, just as in, I miss the life we had two years ago. But you know we weren’t happy recently Ross. Not really.”

“It’s not too late you know, to date each other again, see how it goes. We could get back to how it was. We could try, at least?”

I looked at his hopeful eyes. Oh, how easy that would be.

“Ross, we can be friends but that’s all I can give you right now.”

“Okay, okay.”

He took his tea and wandered into my studio.

“Been busy?” he asked.

“Yep.”

He glanced over to my desk and then at the photo above my laptop.

“This is the guy you shagged on holiday?” I almost saw him become green. I imagined him turning into Shrek and suppressed a giggle.

“I didn’t shag him,” I said honestly. “He’s just a friend.”

“A friend you have a photo of right where you work?”

“He’s married,” I said. Darn it, why did I have to keep being reminded of that? Most days I liked to daydream that he’d come to Bath, perhaps on a white horse, with Fern running by his side, and serenade me with a song, just like something romantic from a musical. He’d declare his love, and I’d hop on the horse and we’d ride off into the sunset: one that looked just like the sunsets on Skye.

Or … he’d write me a letter, just like Captain Wentworth in Persuasion. We’d have our very own modern Jane Austen ending.

“Married? Huh.” Ross bought me back to reality.

He smiled at me sympathetically and I looked away. I hated that he knew me so well.

“I’m happy to help you move the stuff. I’d like to keep some of it, though of course. I still need to live.”

“Thank you. Of course, I don’t want it all. I won’t have room for it all.”

He started chatting about his parents and work and it felt easier, somehow. Maybe we could be friends after all. He left just as my next client arrived, a local business owner who wanted me to come and take some staff shots. I wrote down her brief and she gestured to my photo of Will and me.

“That’s the Isle of Skye, isn’t it?” she asked.

“Yes indeed it is, near Kilt Rock.”

“Love it there. My husband and I went on honeymoon to Skye. Beautiful place.”

“Yes, it is.”

“That your fella?”

“No, just a friend.”

“Shame, you look good together,” she said, smiling. We were good together, I wanted to tell her. So, so good.

As I looked up at the photo again, I saw a new email had come up on my screen. I rushed the end of the meeting and hurried over to read it.

Hi Independent Jenny,

So happy for you, you sound really excited. I hope the flat viewing goes well and it all works out for you. I’m really sorry but we can’t keep in touch anymore. Please don’t email me again.

Sorry,

Will.

What? How could that be? Why couldn’t we be friends?

I started to type a hurried reply, but suddenly I wanted to hear his voice so I rang him. It rang a few times then went through to voicemail.

“Hi, this is Will, leave a message and I’ll call you back. If you need an emergency veterinarian, call the surgery on—”

I hung up.

Oh how I’d missed his voice. That slight flicker of a Scottish accent. I pictured him speaking, his dark hair falling over his face and I was absolutely, one hundred percent sure that I loved him. And I couldn’t have him. The pain was too much and I sat down to stare at the photograph again.

Eventually, I rang and left a garbled message about being confused and could he please just offer me an explanation, but I didn’t expect a call back and I didn’t get one.

I was never going to see him again, and I felt miserable.

And alone. So, so alone.

Chapter Forty-Five

When Ross proposed to me, it was one of the happiest moments of my life. It was a really cold November evening and we’d been out with his parents for a meal. We got back late and I was so tired. I complained most of the way home that my feet ached after working at a wedding fayre promoting my work most of the day, and I kept yawning.

I opened the front door and Ross scooped me up.

“What’re you doing?” I giggled.

“You’re a tired damsel in distress, and I’m carrying you to bed,” Ross told me. He kicked the front door closed with his foot and carried me to our bedroom. We lived in a two bedroom flat back then, in the centre of town. We could only just afford it but it was a special place for us; our first home together.

We were so in love back then. Ross used to take me out for dinner every payday. I’d wash his hair when we shared a shower, and iron his shirts before he left for work each morning. It was the little things, now that I thought about it. The little things we did that made the difference, which made us feel secure and loved.

Ross put me down gently on the bed and took my shoes off for me. Then he started to unbutton my trousers.

“I’m too tired Ross,” I said, not feeling sexy in the slightest.

“I know. I’m just helping you get ready for bed.”

I smiled at him and he smiled back down at me, and I let him take all my clothes off and slip my nightdress over my head. Then he pulled back the duvet and I slid in.

“Good night, my lovely Jenny,” he said, kissing me on the forehead. I closed my eyes and heard him leave the room and turn the shower on.

I opened my eyes again, suddenly alert and feeling sexy, after all. Something about him undressing me had awoken my libido.

So, I got up, pulled my nightdress off, and snuck into the bathroom. I pulled the shower curtain back and he gave me his handsome smile, so I stepped inside and he pushed me up against the tiles. They were cold, but I didn’t mind. He grabbed my hips and pulled me up. I wrapped my legs around him and let him push into me, the water cascading around us.

It was one of the best times, ever. He kissed me gently all over, and by the time it was over, I really was exhausted. He carried me back to the bedroom and rubbed a warm fluffy towel all over me, and then I slipped back under the duvet and he joined me from the other side. I closed my eyes.

“Will you marry me?” he said in the darkness.

I opened my eyes, again.

“Ross! Are you serious?”

We lay facing each other and I could just about see his face from a strip of moonlight creeping in between the curtains.

“Of course. I’ve been looking at rings for months. I was going to ask you at Christmas, but I just thought … tonight … well, I felt compelled. I love you. I want to be with you, always.”

“Oh wow, Ross. Of course I will.”

He put his hand on the back of my head and we both let out an excited giggle and shared a long, happy kiss. I fell asleep with my head on his chest and woke up the next morning full of love, hope and joy.

We got married about eighteen months later on a warm spring day, in a hotel on the outskirts of Bath, set in beautiful green surroundings. The tulips and daffodils were in full bloom, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky, and everything went off without a hitch. My parents were both there – although they didn’t speak to each other – and so were all my siblings. It felt weird to have my whole family in one place.

Aiden was the best man, and he gave an amusing speech. We had vanilla candles on the tables, and sugared almonds, and I wore an A-line ivory strapless dress and heels that made my feet hurt. Ross looked dashing in his morning suit and we ate lamb, and we laughed with our friends, and we drank champagne, and we danced. When we finally fell into bed, I was exhausted but had never been happier.

Our honeymoon was the best two weeks of my life at that point. Ross planned it all in secret, and whisked me away to the Caribbean. We were so close, during those two weeks, so in love, giddy with it every day, touching each other all the time. I remember looking at him, sitting on the white sand, reading a book, and thinking I was so, so lucky to have him. He was good looking, but more importantly, he was funny and kind. And he adored me, treated me like a princess.

Why hadn’t anyone told us then that you have to work at marriage? You can’t just coast along, taking each other for granted. I realised that now, and with sadness, thinking about the best times we’d had together, I wished I could go back and give that couple who were madly in love a good talking to. I’d tell them to make sure they stayed that way; touching each other, talking about everything, always putting each other first.

I’d not put Ross first for a long time. I put Shane before him plenty. I even put Wentworth before him. When had I stopped greeting Ross when I got in, and made more fuss about my dog instead?

I thought about all this and regretted moving in with Aiden. And going to Skye. What good had that done me? Nothing. It’d only served for me to watch Hayley ditch her life back home and me to realise what a great guy Will was … far too late.

And now I was alone.

And the thought still terrified me.

But I was going to do it. I was going to be Independent Jenny, and stop being so silly and immature and stand on my own two feet. Starting with getting a place to live.