Induced Coma (2 page)

This is a truly exquisite cologne with a captivating freshness, featuring notes of columbine, rue, red cedar, bergamot, and natural musk (which contains enticing pheromones.) 
 

It is an honor for us to be able to produce this historically elite cologne and make it available for your purchase today.

Grits

A 44-year-old woman was booked after pouring boiling grits onto her sleeping boyfriend, causing second-degree burns on his groin and legs.
 

Back from work, they bickered.
 

He threatened to quit her.
 

He fell asleep.

Query
: She had coffee and bean soup on the stove—why douse

him with grits?

Demented

40 million people around the world are demented.
 

An ominous forecast as the population grays.

The new count is 14 percent higher than scientists predicted just a year ago.

Barring a medical miracle dementia will double every 20 years.
 

By 2050, it will affect virtually everyone.

E-Everything

In this era of social networking, cloud computing & e-everything, we routinely entrust our identities to the corporate sectors.
 

But to what extent can we trust them?

What’s your approach to online privacy?
 

I steer away
from social network sites like the plague; don’t want my shit online.
 

I use pseudonyms
and fake email addresses, so no worries.
 

Only thing
I’ve
signed up for online is free porn.
 

I always carry
at least one condom in my wallet but
still worry about infection.
 

I’ll sign up
for anything. If someone cops my identity, I’ll cop someone else’s.
 

Pricked

He pricked her twice with the sewing needle while she slept.

She discovered a sting-like mark on her left thigh.
 

Later she saw him in the garage with a syringe full of blood.

In September, she found she was HIV-positive.

Police charged the offending male 43 days later.

Brit Love

The chance of finding the perfect partner in Britain is almost nil.
 

I am a professional pale male, nationality British, aged 33. Statistically, there are 26 females in London with whom I might have a comparatively smart & sexy relationship. Translation: On a given night out in London there is a 0.0000034 percent chance of meeting a special female. That’s 1 in 285,000.

Select one of the following
:

The stats
may sound depressing to people looking for love, but the so-so good news is it’s probably not your fault.

Lousy odds
, but who said being British was easy.

High Low

At 3 PM, the Swiss climber Jean-Pierre Culotte, “elated, exultant,” stood on the roof of the world in bright sunlight gazing down at the
Himalayas
.

Now Mount Everest is his grave, because minutes later he suddenly went blind, had to be abandoned, perished from the cold.

Spelunk

The Utah cave where a medical student suffocated to death last week will be closed and his body will stay put.

The announcement said it was too dangerous to try to recover the spelunker’s body.

He died hours after getting wedged into an unmapped passage of Nutty Putty Cave.

Claustro

No spelunking in Katmandu

No descent into Les Catacombes de Paris

No corporate building elevator on weekends

No cramped basement toilet in Marseilles

No swimming underwater in the echoing indoor pool
 

No scuba-doo in Quintana Roo

No Poe tales of interment

No sexy choking games such as upper caste Brits play

No entering the commercial aircraft until the air conditioning is on
 

No MRI tube

No execution by hanging

No Peter Greenaway films

No confinement in “black” rendition camps

No drinking alone after midnight

No being stuck in a nun’s habit in a Bunuel satire
 

No confessional box, Father

Lonely People

Loneliness is contagious, reports a US research team.

It spreads among people & females are especially vulnerable.

Lonely people transmit their lonely feelings to others.

Societies develop a natural tendency to shed lonely people; this was confirmed in lab tests on gerbils.

These shedding effects mean that our social fabric can fray at the edges like a loose yarn at the end of a crocheted sweater.

Because loneliness is associated with mental and physical diseases that shorten life, it is crucial that we help those affected with loneliness before they wrench away from us, out of sight.

Gluteoplasty

A former Miss Brazil, 36, died while undergoing cosmetic surgery on her buttocks.

Friend
: “The procedure involved injections and the liquid went to her lungs and brain. A woman with everything died for a firmer behind.”
 

Surgeon
: “She arrived with acute respiratory deficiency. Her degraded condition enabled the embolism.”

Vodka

Male swallows a liter of top-shelf vodka rather than surrender it to airport personnel (who themselves would drink it after hours).
 

New regulations designed to obstruct terrorism (which the “First World” itself provoked) prohibit passengers from carrying quantities of liquid onto aircraft. (Does that apply equally to first- and biz-class passengers?)
 

Informed at a security check that he would have to relinquish the vodka or pay a hefty fee to have his carry-on bag checked as cargo, the male opened the bottle, chugged the liquor down on the spot, passed out, died.
 

Unofficial cause of death
:
global nausea
.

Overdue Blake

A librarian reported that two volumes of William Blake’s “prophetic books” were returned after 55 years along with a $1,800 check.

The Blakes were borrowed in November 1959.

The human who sent the check requested anonymity.

The librarian said the overdue Blakes would be replaced on the shelves straightaway.

Einstein

suffered from Asperger’s Syndrome.

As a child, he repeated words obsessively.
 

As an adult, he made friends, had affairs, spoke out on political issues.

Passion, genius, and standing up for justice are compatible with Asperger’s.

What sufferers fail at utterly is narrow functionality in or out of the work-place.

Tiresias

You’re an old blind guy with titties. What are you doing outside Kentucky Fried Chicken?

Prophesizing.

Kool. What’s going to happen to me tomorrow?

You will get into a violent quarrel with a noble stranger at a crossroads. You will kill him. That same day you will marry a high-born woman your mother’s age
. . .

I’ve always gravitated to older women.
 
I hope it’s not because I’m secretly queer. Will we live happily ever after?

Parricide, incest, pestilence, self mutilation, unremitting self-loathing, solitary exile . . .

You say exile. Will that mean no online access?

Dostoyevsky

For several seconds I experience a joy impossible to describe—an absolute harmony with the world. For those seconds of bliss one would exchange all of life.
 

You so-called healthy people have no idea what joy is. That joy we epileptics experience for an instant before we seize.

Cezanne

Underestimated while alive, he compels himself to believe that “innocence” alone will possess clear eyes.

While Cezanne and his apprentice are painting in natural surroundings, a child pulls away from her mother and father to approach the painters.

Immediately she points to the
apprentice’s
canvas, exclaiming: “Mama,
 
this one!”

My Erection

is provisioned with every appliance of pleasure.
 

Hyper-advanced technology thin as your fingernail.
 

Psychotropic agents to zoom/vroom/sex/sext.

Exercise emporia headlining steroidal trainers.

Salon baths.

Dancers, acrobats, naked jugglers.
 

Che-sized cigars from US-embargoed Cuba.

My erection will defy the pestilence.
 

Let the external world suffocate on its own vomit.

Urinal

A 78-year-old Frenchman was detained after assaulting a plain porcelain urinal with a hammer.

Called “Fountain,” the urinal, a replica of Marcel Duchamp’s 1917 original, was on display at the Pompidou Centre in Paris.
 

Police said the man had urinated on the same object at an exhibition in Nimes in 2010.

Duchamp initially rescued the urinal from the trash on a Paris suburb street, added the signature “R Mutt” and displayed it in an exhibition.

Its estimated worth is 18 million euros.

The assailant claimed his hammer attack and urination constituted a “Dadaist intervention” that Duchamp would have appreciated.

Peeing for Distance

Eleven private security guards attached to the US embassy in Kabul have been sacked over claims they took part in drunken orgies and lewd bullying rituals.

The Project on Government Oversight, a watchdog group, reported that guards brawled, held peeing-for-distance competitions, and drank vodka from each other’s buttocks.

Toilet Seat

A woman sat on a toilet for so long that the seat adhered to her flesh.

Her live-in boyfriend finally contacted the sheriff who arrived with 2 deputies (all three had shaved heads) and found the woman physically stuck to the toilet.

Evidently she’d refused to come out of the bathroom for 2 years, and had been sitting on the toilet continuously for 8-and-a-half months.

She has been placed under the protection of the state.

Her boyfriend, meanwhile, has been detained on an unrelated charge of lewd and lascivious behavior for exposing himself to an adolescent neighbor.

Naruto

A 10-year-old boy died a day after playmates buried him.

Cody asked his friends to bury his head in a sandbox to mimic the cartoon character “Naruto,” an aspiring ninja who plays pranks & hides by burying himself then breathing through a tube.

Cody was uncovered when his playmates realized he had stopped breathing.

The five playmates, interviewed separately under oath, told the Snohomish County Sheriff’s Office that Cody’s burial idea came from the cartoon.

Naruto is “insanely popular right now with boys about 8 to 15,” said a source, who publishes a blog on video games & animation.

Lolita

A retail store chain in Britain has withdrawn the sale of beds named Lolita, designed for little girls, after furious parents insisted the name was synonymous with sexually active pre-teens.

“Lolita” is a 1955 novel by the Russian Nabokov in which the narrator seduces his 12-year-old stepdaughter.
 

Staff who administer the website selling the beds never heard of the classic novel, hence saw nothing wrong with advertising the
 

Lolita Midsleeper Combi—a whitewashed wooden bed with pull-out potty designed for girls aged 5 & 6
.

Until a quasi-literate mom raised holy hell on a parenting website.

Stink Bomb

A Colorado mom with a nose for trouble marched her son into the principal’s office claiming he planned to set off a stink bomb.
 

As a consequence, Frederick High School was briefly evacuated on Thursday.

No bomb actually went off but police officers found a bag the boy left containing baking soda, flour, sugar and salt.
 

Evidently, the concoction would have to be set on fire to produce fumes.
 

Nor was it clear they’d be noxious.

How the boy is punished has yet to be decided.

Frederick is a town of 8,200 about 27 miles north of Denver.

Pet Girl

A British bus company apologized to a girl who is led around on a
 
silver leash by her boyfriend after one of its drivers allegedly said:
 

“We don’t let freaks and dogs ride,” and threw her off the bus.

Dressed in Goth-style clothing with a silver neckband attached to a long silver lead, the girl, 18, said she was the “pet” of her 25-year-old fiancé.

“I don’t cook, I don’t clean, I don’t do anything or go anywhere without my master. To you it’s strange but it’s my culture and my choice. It isn’t hurting anyone.”

Freely

Dutch social workers have taken legal action to stop a 13-year-old girl from sailing around the world on her own.

They insist Mina Jansen be made a ward of the court so that her parents, who support her plan, forfeit the right to make her decisions.

Mina’s father, Pym Jansen, requested that Mina miss two years of school; the request was turned down.

Mina had a seaworthy sailboat by age six and was sailing solo when she was 10.

Since a child, I wanted to sail around the world
, she told Dutch TV.

I want to live freely
.

She (2)

At the Sololá market she bought a Bat Clan jacket woven out of sheep wool by the Cakchikel Indians.