Induced Coma (6 page)

Thong

A 19-year-old raped & strangled was found on the Texas side of the border nude except for her cotton & lycra thong.

Oddity: The murdered teen who customarily wore a g-string was wearing a v-string. [Definition: see Wiki.]

Moreover, according to her sister, the murdered teen’s g-string was “canary” whereas the v-string was “apricot.”

Asked how the case was progressing, the lead investigator lit a Marlboro and looked up with bloodshot eyes: “I don’t know shit about thongs, okay? Plus I’m colorblind. But I promise you this:
 

“We’re gonna fuck up the illegal alien that done her.”

Neutral

Cory Leigh Peppers has become the first human to be officially designated as
gender not specified
—neither male nor female.

Peppers, born male 48 years ago in Inverness, Scotland, became a female at age 29 after a sex change operation in Australia.
 

However, Peppers did not feel comfortable as a female and decided to separate from gender altogether, to become “neuter.”

Officials in New South Wales, Australia, have now altered Peppers’ birth certificate to specify the neutral gender.

Peppers has posted some details about his unprecedented reclassification on “Neuter Blog.”

Still to be formally addressed is the restroom question.

Define

A 17-year-old girl with munitions strapped to her body boards a crowded bus.

A squadron of jets consult their monitors as they bomb from above the cloud line.

One act we ritually define as “terrorism”; the other as righteous assault.

Who is doing the defining?

Whose purpose does the definition serve?

Swallow

An al-Qaeda suicide bomber blew himself up while severely wounding a Saudi prince in Jeddah.

The bombing left people wondering how one of the most wanted al-Qaeda operatives in Saudi Arabia could get so close to the royal head of counter-terrorism to explode himself and mutilate the prince.

The answer is the explosive was
inside
the bomber’s body; he swallowed it.

Western forensic experts are profoundly worried that this deadly new tactic will influence other terrorists; if so, it will render traditional airport security metal detectors obsolete.

The best near-term option might be redoubling the emphasis on racial profiling.

Sex Offenders

in Delaware have the letter “X” printed on their auto license.
 

In Louisiana, it’s
SEX OFFENDER
, in oversized orange letters.

Florida and Alabama use special license plates to identify
SEX OFFENDERS
.

Mississippi requires
SEX OFFENDERS
to register their address and have a new photo taken every 45 days.

Sex Offenders

“You say they served their time.

They still have their cojones, right?

Testicles, balls, whatever you want to call it.

You don’t want them living under the bridge.
 

Cool. Castrate them, strip them of their mojo.

Chemical castration—it ain’t even painful.

But those decisions are made in the political arena, okay?

As of now chemical castration is unlawful in the sovereign state of Florida.

Maybe your sex offenders should have stayed in prison.”

Watch two Florida State prison inmates sodomize then murder a convicted sex offender while a uniformed prison guard chewing a toothpick looks on.
[
Video
]

Things to Do

Find work as a baggage handler for a major airliner.

Secretly rummage through lost or delayed luggage.
 

Collect female hair from brushes, combs, intimate wear.
 

Bag the hair in transparent plastic, label it.

Encode your fantasies of the hair-owner’s most intimate gestures on your smart phone.

Cancer

A growing number of cancer patients would rather be dead.

A poll of 2,900 patients found 13% wanted to die straightaway—four times the general population.

It is normal to experience depression after a cancer diagnosis.

But for some patients depression becomes its own problem which leads to suicidal ideation.

Couch Potato

A supermarket bagger emerged as champion after seven male rivals gave in to sleep deprivation or nature’s call.

The bagger won the Ultimate Couch Potato Competition, 39 grueling hours of continuous sports viewing.

Eight participants in recliners sat in front of 16 42-inch high-def plasma TVs. They could order fast food and drinks, but no sleep or leaving their recliners except for restroom breaks every eight hours.

The bagger whose fave sport is mixed martial arts won when the runner-up, after having emitted foul, possibly toxic gas, stumbled to the toilet before the allotted break time.

A Hunting Dog

stepped on a shotgun lying on the ground wounding two hunters in a party of eight who were murdering geese on farmland.

One was treated for a knee wound; the other had buckshot in his buttocks.

The remaining members of the party refused to speak with
 
authorities.

Jelly

A man who dove face-first into a venomous, thimble-sized jellyfish in the waters off northeast Australia is battling for his life.

He was on a yacht near South Molle Island wearing a full-length “stinger suit” that covers everything but his face and hands to help protect against venomous jellyfish. But when he dove into the water he was immediately stung in the face by the deadly Irukandji jellyfish.
 

The Irukandji’s sting produces in rapid succession: shooting pains in the neck, vomiting, a spike in blood pressure, heart failure.

Text mess from the yacht:
Stung man is past tense
.

Skinks

Feds apprehended a man who strapped 22 live lizards to his chest to get through customs at LAX.

The 39-year-old was returning from Australia when in a routine strip-down agents found four geckos, seven monitor lizards and 11 skinks fastened to his body.

The lizards’ estimated value: $18,000.
 

Conjoined

Two males certified by the Guinness Book of World Records as the world’s oldest living conjoined twins are moving in with their younger brother.

An anonymous benefactor is helping 59-year-old Mickey and Ricky Saturday by paying to enlarge the home of their brother, 54-year-old Hank Saturday. The twins occupy a tiny apartment in Dayton, Ohio. Their brother lives in Beavercreek.

Mickey and Ricky are joined at the torso. They have four arms, four legs, separate hearts, stomachs, and reproductive organs. They share a lower intestine.

The twins recently retired from a touring carnival and are in declining health.

Twin

4-year-old girls were dropped from an 8-storey window by their mother’s common-law husband.

The suspect was initially identified as a drunk off-duty police officer, but Interfax news agency claimed he was a butcher.

Twins Katya and Dasha are fighting death with massive damage to their organs.
 

No motive was offered.

Twins

After an elderly couple were found dead of natural causes in their apartment it was discovered they were twins separated at birth, adopted by different parents.

Meeting as adults, they felt an uncanny attraction, married, never realizing their blood kinship.

They produced four healthy children, 11 grandchildren, and six great-grandchildren.

Mantis Shrimps

living on Australia’s Great Barrier Reef have the most complex eyes in the animal kingdom.

They see in 12 primary colors, four times that of humans, and detect 11 levels of light polarization.

Transferring the same multi-color ability into a DVD player would permit it to process infinitely more information.

Researcher: “The mantis shrimp’s exquisitely simple eye system, comprised of cell membranes rolled into tubes, could be industrially mimicked by using liquid crystals.”

Why the mantis shrimp needs such a rarefied level of vision is unclear; the suspicion is that it has to do with food and sex.

Esperanto

CUENCA, Ecuador: The elegant Nepali woman in a chartreuse mini beamed as the tall Nordic man in a fez sauntered by.

Each called out a greeting: “Saluton!”

Then they launched into an animated discussion in Esperanto, a synthetic language created more than a century ago to foster global harmony.

Wanted

Rich older women hotting for young dudes. Applicants must be older than 41, earn at least $750,000 a year and/or have a minimum of $4 million in liquid assets.

That is the basis of a speed-dating event organized by a “sex entrepreneur” bringing together 70 “cougars” and 35 “boy toys.”

Set to take place in the virtual offices of Goog, it has attracted affluent older women from all over the globe. Raquel Suzuki, 53, is the CFO of a marketing firm in Tokyo and Brussels.

“Am I really a cougar? I plan to find out,” Raquel Suzuki winked. “ASAP.”

How Do I Start!!!

I was married 26 years then in a relationship 4 years. Tell you about that later. I am a women with class. If you are into “one night stands,” “hook ups,” “happy endings,” or an occasional “friend with benefits,” keep on shopping don’t bother stopping. My likes are 3-D movies, beach, cooking and home interior. I’m looking for a man that knows how to treat there lady, not one that watches TV sports all day. A man like me, family orientated, beach, cooking, someone to share my heart and life’s journey. PLEASE have a recent photo.
 

Online Nude

A 27-year-old woman sent a man she met online an enticing text mess offering him an early Xmas present in the shape of two nubile women and suggested he take his clothes off to save time.

The 29-year old man got to the appointed house straightaway. He stripped and tossed his clothes through the window before entering.

But it was the wrong house and the householder did not get the joke.
 

The police arrested the man for “gratuitous nudity.”

The woman who sent the seductive but deliberately wayward message was tracked down and charged with misusing a phone.

Third World Taboos

Presenting a cup or bowl with a crack line.
 

Disrespecting guests.
 

Wiping your arse with the right hand.

Not belching loudly after evening meal.

Not speaking the uncolonized language.

Bearing ill-behaved children.
 

Displaying the bottoms of your feet.

Entering a nubile unmarried female’s room without permission.

Machete

Guatemalan police arrested two Quiche Indian brothers accused of hacking to death an American banker on his yacht where he was vacationing with his wife.

The Indians boarded the yacht, docked on a popular lake near Guatemala’s Caribbean coast, wielding machetes & demanding $$$.

The American banker fought back with his own machete but was overpowered & killed.

The wife was hospitalized after the Indians pricked her in the neck with poisoned darts.

Guatemala has one of the highest murder rates in Latin America,
 

but remains popular with tourists for its picturesque lakes, Mayan jungle pyramids & low prices.

Severed
 

A man who believed he bore the “mark of the beast” used a circular saw to cut off his hand, cooked it in the microwave, phoned 911, while repeating the name: Matthew.

The Book of Matthew contains the passage:
If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off.

Trans

Roger Ramsdell, 77, a 26-year Marine Corps vet, became Rhonda Ramsdale on Thursday, the oldest human on record to undergo
 
sex-change surgery.

Ramsdell said she always sensed she was “different,” but “just kept putting off” the surgery. S/he saw combat in the Marines as a male in 4 wars.

The Yorkshire Ripper

was stabbed in the eye during an attack by another inmate inside Broadmoor Hospital.

Screaming “B*****d! You killed them bitches!” he lunged at the Ripper.

Burly aides wrestled the knife away.

The inmate, who’d murdered his own mum, was judged unfit to stand trial for assaulting the Ripper.

Turnpike Turkey

A feral turkey running along the New Jersey Turnpike won’t have to dodge pre-Xmas traffic.

Fish and Wildlife officials netted the bird Tuesday.

The turkey had been trotting around toll booths at a turnpike interchange since Thanksgiving.

Toll collectors began putting road construction cones on their parked cars to prevent the turkey from jumping on them.
 

They named the turkey Tammy and videoed her on YouTube.

Officials decided to remove the turkey because of complaints from drivers.

Spokesperson: “Tammy will
not
be roasted and devoured. S/he will be habited in the Popcorn Zoo in Lacey Township.”

Romping

A hotel on Turkey’s picture postcard Mediterranean coast has fired all of its male employees for repeatedly sexing with foreign female guests, the majority of whom are British and Russian. The 36-room hotel now employs female staff exclusively.

“We were facing the same problem every year,” the manager explained. “The last straw was when I saw our bouncer, a family man, walk out of the men’s toilet with two Russian female tourists.”