Induced Coma (3 page)

She washed her hair in the volcanic lake.

She ate tortillas, chiles, and roasted corn in a restaurant then rented a room above the restaurant.
 

She sat on the old wood floor of the small room and listened to the night sounds. Laments of drunken men and drunken boys. Crickets sawing. Faint whistlings of a poorwill.

She smoked a cigarette.

She shared her narrow bed with fleas.

The next morning she rode a bus farther into the mountains.
 

*

That afternoon she drank beer in the dusty cantina outside Sololá.
 

She and 14 Ladino men.

Sentimental music from an old juke.

The men stared at her. One asked her to dance.
 

In the confined space she danced with the man whose head came to her shoulders.

Another asked her to dance and she danced with him.
 

When a third man asked her to dance she said,
No. Horita me voy
.

Two men, drunk, followed her outside, knocked her down, dragged her behind the cantina, brutally raped her.

You expected something like that so I provided it. It didn’t happen.

Abduct

Q abducted her ex-lover’s boyfriend after the ex-lover, G, had left Q for the male.

Q, 27, kidnapped Peng, 26, then asked her ex-lover, G, 23, to pay a ransom of 800,000 yuan.

G had been Q’s girlfriend but quit Q and began to date Peng.

A
Pascagoula

Mississippi man thought he was at his girlfriend’s place when he stumbled drunkenly into a couple’s apt and fell asleep on their couch.

Returning from bingo, the couple found the stranger snoring on their couch.

They told him get out and he drove off in a rusty yellow Silverado.

Burn

A 14-year-old student set himself on fire on a Nagoya street in an apparent suicide early Friday.

The Aichi Prefectural Police received an emergency call from a passerby at 2:17 a.m. reporting “what looks like a human on fire.”
 

Police later identified the immolated boy as a third-year student at Fujimori Junior High School, in Nagoya.
 

His name was not disclosed.

An orange and green backpack bearing the boy’s name was found nearby with a lighter, tissue paper, a plastic bottle smelling of kerosene.

The incident occurred 4 km from the boy’s home.
 

There was no suicide note.

A Young Man

distraught after breaking up with his girlfriend hanged himself while she watched over a Webcam.

Fastening a rope over a ceiling hook he whispered, “I love you, babe.”
 

The horrified girl phoned police to stop him. They arrived too late.
 

The couple split 8-and-a-half months before.

Slimed

How did he exit?
 

12-gauge.

Males shoot themselves or hang.

Jump from the Golden Gate Bridge.

Females overdose.

His book, a slim volume, was published at last.

It failed.

Reviewers chastised the author for displaying excessive feeling.
 

“Like a woman.”

Sliming over his grief with their low understanding.

Tarantula

The owner of a spider had no idea his pet was the problem when he came to an eye clinic for treatment.

When the doctor told him she saw tiny hairs sticking out of his eyeball he remembered cleaning the terrarium of his Chilean Rose tarantula.

While his attention was briefly focused elsewhere, he sensed movement in the terrarium.

The tarantula had released a mist of hairs which brushed his eyes and face.

The hairs have multiple barbs encouraging them to migrate through the eye tissue to various depths.

Black Widow

refers to the assumption that female freedom fighters—Putin’s Russia calls them terrorists—are Muslim suicide bombers bent on avenging relatives murdered in Russia’s ongoing assault against Islamic separatists in the Caucasus region.

One of the Black Widows’ earliest interventions in non-Muslim Russia, was the 2002 mass hostage-taking at a Moscow theater by 41 Chechen separatists—23 were women.
 

Russian forces struck, pumped narcotic gas into the theater, killing all the attackers as well as 218 hostages.
 

Police footage showed Black Widows dead in the theater seats with explosives attached to their bodies.

The footage was later exposed as manipulated.

Queef

Julia queefed while I was doing her with my tongue & it startled the shit out of me.

I dove back in.

I soon learned that queefs were Julia’s body’s way of broadcasting how much she loved me.
 

Correction
: Broadcasting how much she loved how I was loving her.

Anonymous

I hope to fuck I never become allergic to neoprene cuz I wear a neoprene cockring & nut stretchers almost everyday.
 

The feeling you have around your cock and nutz is so natural.
 

I have different sizes for day wear & fucking.
 

Too bad they don’t sell the extra wide version anymore—here’s the true pig coming out in me: I fucking love the smell after a few nights of fucking with that wide puppy.

Oh yeah, I’m a college student & wear it to class.
 

I sit through 3 hours of boring lectures & not once does it pinch.

Correspondences

Indeed, the G-spot corresponds to the upper palate; I’m gratified that has finally been revealed. So too does the left eyeball correspond to the anus; even as the middle knuckle on the left hand corresponds to the lingam. Blowing your nose has a secret affinity with orgasm, male and female; and if you undergo a rhinoplasty, which has become fashionable in our global village, your orgasm potential will gradually alter until aligned with your new nose. If you belch more than twice
before
sex be prepared to queef
during
sex.

Truly, Homo sapiens is a marvel of symmetry.

Hitler Fart

To combat his chronic flatulence, Hitler ingested massive amounts of a drug containing the rat poison strychnine.

His physicians worried that he was poisoning himself by degree.
 

Nor did the drug alleviate his gas.

It turns out now that eBay is auctioning an “authentic Hitler fart” reportedly bottled and sealed by a
Hauptsturmführer
insider and secret Hitler adversary.

It is speculated that the
Hauptsturmführer
sold other Hitler farts at the time to finance his opium habit.

But at least one has been preserved all these years in a Berlin cellar.

Prices on eBay commence at a million-and-a-half euros.

Mafia Croc

Italian police have seized a crocodile they believe was used by a mafia boss to terrorize shop-owners into paying protection money.

The crocodile, 6 feet long and 93 pounds, was found during a search of the man’s home in the southern town of Caserta, where the Camorra branch of the Naples mafia is active.

The croc was kept on the terrace and fed live rats and rabbits in full view of neighboring homes.

The mafia suspect, name withheld, was charged with illegal animal possession.

The crocodile, named Berlu, has been sent to a reptile rehabilitation center in Sardinia.

Pig Spleen

A Nebraska farmer peers at pig spleens and forecasts the weather.
 

Pig spleen widening means early winter;
 

narrowing means early spring;
 

if the spleen is fairly uniform it means weather as usual.

“I’m 90 percent accurate,” the farmer claims, “which is a damn sight better than your TV ‘meteorologist
s’.”

Snake Does Golf

A python was saved by surgery after mistaking golf balls for chicken eggs.

A farming couple had placed four golf balls in their chicken coup to encourage their hen to nest. The eggs disappeared and so did the balls.

Nearby, the couple found a lumpy-looking diamond python.

They transported the 32-inch non-venomous snake to the nearby wildlife sanctuary, where a senior veterinarian operated to remove the balls from the snake’s intestine.

Those golf balls weren’t moving any further
, the vet said.
 

They were stuck.
 

The python would have died for sure.
 

Now he’s out of danger
.

Biofuel

Stockholm culls thousands of rabbits annually to protect the capital’s parks and green sectors.

The rabbits are mainly the offspring of pets released by owners.

Since they have no natural predators the city administration of Stockholm employs hunters to kill them.

The killed rabbits are frozen and a contractor removes them to a processing plant.

There the raw animal matter is crushed, ground, pumped to a boiler where it is burned together with wood chips, peat or waste to produce renewable heat.

So far the only negative reaction to the rabbits-for-biofuel cull has come from the PETA folks.

Tyger

A medical student got some unexpected practical experience at the zoo when she gave the kiss of life to a Bengal tiger cub gagging on a chunk of meat.

She was passing the enclosure when she noticed the 4-month-old creature choking and offered to assist the helpless keeper.

“The tiger tried to eat a chunk of meat that was too big and started choking and trembling and then fell over,” the student told Live-at-6 TV News.

“I got the meat out but he wasn’t breathing so I did mouth-to-mouth. After about 5 minutes he came to, thank God.”

Wombat

The furry marsupial lives in the Australian wilds.

With its characteristic waddle and playful disposition it’s an endearing creature.

In this steep recession an industry has experimented with “paper” made from wombat poop.

Prospects seem favorable.

Wombats’ plant fiber diet makes their feces ideal for paper, which is of course obsolescent.

Hippo

Diana Tilden-Blair, Ms South Africa in 2012 and a runner-up in the 2013 Ms Globe contest, was mauled by a hippopotamus while canoing in the Okavango swamp in Botswana, the local constabulary announced.

The blonde beauty winner, bitten on her face and thighs, was airlifted to Johannesburg hospital, where she was reported to be in critical condition.

Earlier this month, another South African beauty contest winner, Annette Smuts, was murdered by a hippopotamus while she and her family were on holiday in the Okavango swamp.

Botswana, formerly the British protectorate of Bechuanaland, is north by northwest of South Africa.

Bald Eagles

are dying in Utah and nobody knows why.

Hundreds of the majestic birds—many with wing spans of 7 feet—migrate each winter to the Great Salt Lake, feeding on carp and other fish.

Earlier this month, farmers in northern Utah began finding the raptors on the ground suffering from seizures, paralysis in the legs, feet and wings.

The eagles were taken to the Wildlife Rehabilitation Center.
 

Within 48 hours most were dead.

“It’s just hard to have your national bird in your arms when you can see it’s in pain but don’t know what’s happening to it.”

Marius

Copenhagen Zoo
murdered Marius the giraffe with a bolt pistol as horrified schoolchildren crowded around to watch the cadaver be butchered then fed to lions.

Copenhagen Zoo
received more than 20,000 petitions to spare the healthy giraffe.

Copenhagen Zoo
was informed by the European Association of Zoos (EAZA) that Marius was genetically similar to the zoo’s other giraffes, hence expendable.
 

Copenhagen Zoo
received offers from zoos to adopt Marius and
from individuals to purchase then donate the giraffe to animal parks.

Copenhagen Zoo
insisted that animals could not be transferred to Institutions not strictly adhering to rules on breeding programs.

Nuclear Waste

Health officials are instructing residents to chill after a video uploaded on YouTube displayed exceptionally high levels of radiation at a Pacific Coast beach. The 7-minute video has caused concern that nuclear waste from the 2011 Fukushima disaster is arriving on the US side of the Pacific Ocean.

The video shows a man using a Geiger counter radiation detector while walking through Pacifica State Beach outside San Francisco. His monitor reads 150 counts-per-minute, 5 times more radiation than typical in that environment.

Health officials‘ conclusion:
 
“
Routinely
 
higher levels of background radiation, no health risk.
”

Holy Semen

An Israeli male has been imprisoned for tricking females into sexual acts by claiming his semen was holy.

He presented himself as a rabbi with healing powers, then exploited the naiveté of women and teenage girls with appalling sexual acts.
 

He had at his disposal various explanations: a jasmine scent emanates from his semen; his sacred semen is transferable by contact; Moses (with whom he is in direct contact) was, like himself, ithyphallic.