Induced Coma (5 page)

A Pair of Historic Sex Toys

thought to date back to the early 18th century were sold at an Essex auction for £3,600.

The pair, constructed of Black Poplar (
Populus nigra
) and assumed to be French, were auctioned at Brentwood Antiques Auction on Thursday.

Auctioneer Gillian Claiborne described the sex toys as
exceptional
.

A Japanese bidder requesting anonymity purchased the pair, which come with their own leather-lined case. One measures 10in (25cm), the other 11in (28cm).

From the catalogue:
 

Designed to please. Lot 340. A pair of hardwood phalluses contained within a fitted kid leather case with fleurs-de-lys embellishment
.

Bed-Warmer

On request, a staff-member at each of London’s three Holiday Inn airport-area hotels will dress in a “fleece sleeper suit” then slip between your sheets. “The Holiday Inn bed-warmer is like having a giant hot water bottle in your bed,” the spokesperson explained. She did not explain why the beds were not warmed by actual hot water bottles.
 

She emphasized that the bed-warmer leaves the bed before the guest occupies it. She could not confirm if the bed-warmer bathes first, but said hairnets are obligatory. The bed-warmer carries a thermometer to gauge the bed’s required temperature of 20 degrees Celsius.

Fat Flyers

Air France denied reports that it planned an additional charge for
overweight
passengers unable to fit into a single seat.

Instead, the international carrier said that from Feb. 1,
overweight
passengers who chose to purchase an extra seat for comfort would get their money back on flights that were not fully booked.

Previously an airline spokesperson said
grossly fat
flyers will have to pay 75 percent of the cost of a second seat (the full price excluding tax and surcharges) on top of the full price for the first, insisting the decision was for “safety, not esthetic,” reasons.

Ugly

Britons are the ugliest people on the globe, according to a dating website that admits only “beautiful people.”

Fewer than 1 in 9 British males and just 3-and-a-half in 20 females who applied to
BeautifulPeople.com
have been accepted.

After applicants upload a recent photo and personal profile, current members of the elite dating site rate how attractive potential members are over a 48-hour period.

Norwegian males have proved the most attractive, with 65 percent acceptance, while Danish females are considered the most beautiful, with 77 percent acceptance.

The website was founded in 2005 in Copenhagen.

9/11

An American “activist team” has posted 573,000 pager messages purportedly sent on 9/11 from “regular people” trying to reach friends or loved ones in the World Trade Center.

Messages range from
WTC ablaze
to
Prez aircraft rerouted no telling where he’ll hide
to
Rumsfeld vows to route Jihadists
.

One says,
This is Myrna—2
^nd
tower is down—Pls come home
.
 

Some are unrelated to the attacks:
Expecting 200 people for the Pig Pickin’. Call if you want. Josh
.

Activist team: “Publishing the messages is one more building block to getting a full picture of what happened on that tragic day.”

911

Prosecutors will review the case of a woman who phoned 911 42 times over 6 months for non-emergency reasons, including a call to complain that her husband refused to eat his chicken fried steak dinner.

Last Friday, the woman allegedly made 4 calls to 911, including a hang-up and another where she was heard swearing.

Police dispatched to the residence were told by the 53-year-old woman that her husband repeatedly peed on the toilet seat.
 

She was also “screaming about stuff that happened 6 months ago.”

The woman, who has no previous convictions, faces charges of 911 abuse.

50 Drunk Santas

raided a cinema complex on Dec. 23 wrecking everything they could, abusing patrons, chanting obscenities, ripping down posters.

“50 imbeciles in Santa outfits burst through a side door,” said a 36-year-old woman waiting to see a movie with her daughter.

“They kept shouting ‘Ho F*****g Ho
’,
”
she said.

Snowman Creep

You’re building a snowman so you’ll want a carrot, a scarf, a bucket of blood. Though blood may seem unusual, it’s a key component to the construction of these snowmen, along with an entrepreneurial spirit.

WE PAY FOR PIX! If you’ve seen a super creepy snowman, upload it asap.

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Schizo Speaks

You gentlemen and ladies of quality who frequently don’t know yourselves what Christian virtue and justice are, look at the sunken eyes of the lower classes, where you can see clearly the sorrow and misery that weigh on their hearts.

Not everyone who sees his grieved and martyred face in the washroom mirror is a felon or drug addict. On the contrary, the grounds for his misery are to be sought elsewhere.

Friends far and near, if among you there is anyone without sin, let him come to me, and I will implore him for compassion and mercy.

Stella

I was hurt.

I started hurting back, killing.

I couldn’t stop.

I got to liking it and didn’t want to stop.

Why you telling me this?

Because I’m Pacino and you’re DeNiro.

We’ve become legends in our profession.

Wrong; there’s only one legend in our profession.

His name is Brando.

Jacko’s White Glove

Michael Jackson’s famous white glove sold for $350,000 at a memorabilia auction in New York, soaring past pre-sale estimates, while a black sequined jacket he wore during a 1989 world tour fetched $245,000.

The Jackson memorabilia highlighted an auction of hundreds of rock’n’roll items, including many not associated with the “King of Pop,” who passed in June.

The white glove, called “the Holy Grail of Michael Jackson,” was expected to fetch about $50,000.
 

With the added commission, the final price of the white glove excluding taxes ran to $427,000.

The buyer was a Japanese businessman who requested anonymity.

Her Mangled

body was found in a suitcase in a metal trash bin in Beverly Hills.

Investigators could not use dental records or fingerprints because her teeth and fingers had been excised.
 

They tracked the serial number of her breast implants.

Her husband, a reality-show contestant, was charged with murder.

Vidcam Shades

These shades are kool. They conceal a built-in video camera that allows you to discreetly record everything you see without anyone’s knowledge.

The 0.3 megapixel pinhole vid-cam is planted in the bridge, providing 320x 240 high-quality resolution for AVI videos.

The left temple’s frame houses a slot that accommodates a microSD card for additional memory storage.

Vids can be uploaded to a computer running Windows such-and-such using the built-in USB port and cable.

Loiter around women’s toilets or men’s lockers.
 

Voyeur tech—beats the shit out of being invisible.
 

Record the raunch.
 

Shake yo’ bejesus.

Walmart

A South Carolina male has been found guilty of second degree child cruelty for slapping a crying 2-year-old at a Walmart.

The mother carrying her child was shopping when the toddler began crying. The man, 61, approached the mother and said, “If you don’t shut that baby up, I will.”

He slapped the child four or five times in the face. Then he glared at the mother: “See, I told you I would shut her up.”

I think you left something out.

What’s that?

Call it an educated guess: Child is black, assailant white?

You’ve read the script.

Walmart

The Prosecutor’s Office reported on its website that an arrest was made in a “bias incident” at a Walmart store in southern New Jersey.

A male voice came over the Walmart public address system Saturday evening and announced:

Attention, Walmart customers: All black people must leave the store immediately.

Last Lines

Gandhi
, shot to death by an infuriated Brahmin, was reported to have uttered “Ram” (Lord Rama).

Serial killer John Wayne
Gacy
, about to be executed by lethal injection, shot back: “Kiss my ass.”
 

Lenny
Bruce
, transported to the ambulance after ODing on heroin, muttered about the nurse tending to him: “I saw her pussy.”

Timothy
Leary
suddenly raised his head on his deathbed and whispered: “Why not? Why not?”

Leary repeated his final utterance in case someone in attendance did not hear it.
 

Then he died—or faked dying.

Man’s a holy foo’.

I wager his ass is still trippin’.

6th Mass Extinction

Earth has suffered through 5 mass extinctions, the worst of which was 220 million years ago when 96% of marine and 70% of terrestrial organisms disappeared.
 

Scientists believe that our planet is threatened with the 6th mass extinction and
that it has already begun.

Radical change in the chemical composition of ocean water is the crucial factor in the gradual sliding to mass extinction.
 

The worst extinction crises in history were dependent on chemical changes in oceans.

The oceans of Planet Earth are contaminated beyond reclaim.

Scientists attribute the sixth mass extinction to man and his institutions.

Murfreesboro

A driver
passed out in his 1961 El Camino at a gas station while a batch of methamphetamine was cooking in the passenger seat.

A station
employee in Murfreesboro called police after the car was sitting at the pump for two hours on Labor Day.

Police say
a chemical process to make the drug was in progress.
 

Meth-making
ingredients can be explosive, so gas pumps were shut down as a precaution.

The driver
, 26, is being held on a $35,000 bond charged with driving under the influence, driving on a suspended license, reckless endangerment, manufacturing methamphetamine without FDA approval.

Short Rage

Pingping, the world’s shortest man, insists he prefers managing his hairdressing salon to craving fame.

The 22-year-old, who lives with his 5 sisters in Inner Mongolia, is just 73cm tall—making him (Guinness) the shortest man with the ability to walk, or waddle.

Pingping’s favorite hobby: Murdering large people.

Things to Do

From a gallery above the frantic proceedings of the New York Stock Exchange, toss dollar bills to the traders below.

Mock them as they scramble to snatch the $$.

Yippie commander Magic Jew Abbie Hoffman did that in August ’67, making WASP Wall Street do the money-hop.

Rockstar ’69

Shit, can’t be morning / Fuck that shit
 

Crawl naked unsteady out of spherical waterbed in nameless hotel anywhere city
 

Ceiling-mirror shattered / stained from group-grope action the night before or night before that
 

Spike your good-morning OJ with liquid meth

Three long tokes on the waterpipe
 

Slip on something suede with tassels smelling of cigarette smoke, patchouli

Zombie out to the elevator barefoot, press
P
for Penthouse

Ah, your mates are sitting at the bar, but who the fuck are
they
?
 

Man, it’s those honky reporters from
Rolling Stone
&
Crawdaddy
Fuckin’ 9:30 in the morning

Coke $$

A study found that 91 percent of dollar bills contain traces of cocaine. That is nearly 30 percent higher than two years ago when 63 percent of greenbacks contained cocaine.
 

The startling discovery points to the increasingly widespread use of cocaine in the US, the world’s biggest consumer of the drug. Money gets contaminated with coke when drug dealers make a transaction or when users snort the drug using a rolled bill.

Washington DC topped US cities with 97 percent of dollar bills found to contain cocaine. The cleanest bills were collected from Green Bay, Wisconsin.