Ink & Flowers (8 page)

"Who's Brody?"

"My cousin, he just ... said stuff like I have to be careful. 'Don't talk like a fag, you'll turn into one.
'
"

"Seriously?" Cooper crossed his arms. "What the fuck is that shit?"

"I don't know. Just shit."

"Yeah, it is just shit. Are your aunts like that too?"

"Yeah." Luke sighed heavily. "But they said it's for my own good. I don't wanna end up ..." He trailed off.

"What, end up like me?" Cooper said, raising his eyebrows.

"I didn't say that." Luke picked at his food.

"Yeah, well, you thought it. Jesus, Luke, how old are you?"

"What am I supposed to do?" Luke felt his eyes burning again, his hands clenched into fists. "I'm not like you, I'm not all strong and not giving a fuck what anyone thinks. I'm so
fucking
scared of them."

He shuddered, his eyes were hot and his hands shaking. Goddamnit, he didn't want Cooper to see him cry.

"Luke," Cooper reached out for him, and Luke felt himself drawing away. "Luke, I'm not gonna hurt you, okay? No one's gonna hurt you. You're okay. Come here."

Luke collapsed and fell forward into Cooper's arms, a sob shuddering through him. "I can't," he said, his voice muffled against Cooper's shirt. "I can't do this anymore, I can't handle it."

"Shh," Cooper's hand was on his head, stroking his hair. "It's okay. It's okay, all right? I got you."

"I know," said Luke, his voice thick with broken sobs. "I'll be okay in a minute."

"You don't gotta be okay, buddy," whispered Cooper. "I got you."

They sat for a while in silence, Luke's sobs slowly dying down. He was a jumble of emotions, a combination of ones he had felt all his life, and ones he was only daring to feel now. They hurt so much, those new feelings, as if they were all at once making up for all the hurt he had suppressed. He'd decided, in one moment, that he wasn't going to do it anymore. He wasn't going to try to be who his family wanted him to be, no matter how angry they were at him, no matter what they said. Cooper was right. There was nothing wrong with being himself, and he wasn't going to be afraid anymore. At least, he was going to try not to be.

He supposed he should be feeling some sort of relief at the thought, and in a way he was, but it was also painful, and incredibly frightening. "Is this what you wanted?" he mumbled angrily into Cooper's shirt. "Is this all you wanted, for me to feel like this?"

Cooper took a long breath. His body felt warm and safe under Luke's cheek. "I didn't want to hurt you, Luke. You just seemed so sad."

"I was," admitted Luke. "I still am though. Admitting it doesn't make all the problems go away."

"Not all at once," Cooper admitted. "But it'll slowly get better now. I know, I've lived it, remember?"

"Is that the only reason you wanted me?" asked Luke with a touch of venom. Everything felt like shit right now. He wasn't sure if he'd ever be happy again. "Was I like a project?"

"No." Cooper's voice was louder when he said that, and his whole body shifted indignantly. Luke drew away regretfully. "I mean, yeah, I wanted to make you admit it, but only because I'm selfish and I ... I like you. I thought I'd have a chance with you, and instead I just ended up acting like an asshole." He sighed, obviously frustrated. "Oh, also, you're hot. It'd be a waste otherwise."

"Ha!" Luke nearly choked on the laugh. "As if I'd believe that."

"It's true, you jackass. I know you don't see it, but you
are
."

"Don't start." Luke shook his head, automatically rejecting the compliment, even though his battered self-esteem pleaded for more. Cooper liked him? Because of his personality and his appearance? He didn't think he'd ever be able to believe that. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, wishing Cooper would look away from him. "Can we go now? I want to have a shower."

Cooper stretched as he stood. "Yeah, good idea."

"Not
together
."

"I know, you little shit." Cooper grinned and moved as if he was going to slap Luke's ass again, but he stopped at the last minute, looking sheepish. "Sorry."

"It's okay," said Luke, as Cooper began to lead them back to the truck.

"No, it's not," said Cooper. "Seriously, if I do stuff that makes you uncomfortable; you've got to tell me."

"I will," said Luke. "But it's hard because I don't know
why
some stuff makes me uncomfortable. Stuff makes me feel gross when it shouldn't, you know?"

"It's not weird to not want someone grabbing your ass," said Cooper.

But I
do
want you grabbing my ass
. Luke was so confused. How was he ever going to sort these feelings out?

 "I feel weird," he said after a moment of silence. "I feel like there are two parts of my brain that are completely separate from each other."

"Yeah, how so?" Cooper pushed a branch out of the way for Luke, who ducked under it.

"I don't know, it's just ... there's part of me that's totally rational, and I
know
that gay people can't help being gay, I learned about it in school and everything, and I know that if I, you know, have
gay feelings
, there's nothing I can do about it, and there's nothing wrong with it."

"Sounds good," said Cooper. "And what's the other part?"

They got into the truck, and Luke waited until they were back on the road to speak again. "I guess like ... the part of me that ignores all that, and tries really hard to be straight. Because that's what my family wants."

"Dude," said Cooper, "Okay, maybe this is out of line, but fucking
fuck
your family."

"That is out of line."

"I know, but someone had to say it. It's just a suggestion."

Luke couldn't help but laugh a little. 
I'd rather fuck you
, he thought, just barely restraining himself from saying the words out loud. He clamped a hand over his mouth, and felt his eyes widening. He
did
want to. Oh god, he really was gay.

"You okay?" asked Cooper, glancing at him as he put the truck into gear and pulled back onto the road. "Luke, I'm really sorry about today, and yesterday too and ... well, everything. I promise I'm gonna try to be less of a jerk."

"Yeah, well," murmured Luke, desperately trying to distract himself from the way his thoughts were heading. "You can't help it if that's the way you are."

Cooper just laughed, but he was strangely silent the rest of the way home.

*~*~*

Luke practised to himself all afternoon. Saying the words in his head over and over again and then mouthing them in a near silent whisper.
It's all right to be attracted to men. There's nothing wrong with me.
It was like applying pressure to a wound. Every time he said it his heartbeat sped up again, his mind flared against it, and pain and guilt shot through him. He kept doing it anyway, until Cooper finally shook his shoulder and asked if he was okay.

"I'm fine," Luke assured him. "Just thinking."

"You look really pale, is all. You gonna be okay if I go to the gym for a bit?"

"Yeah, sure." Luke looked up at him and managed a smile
.
Cooper worked out a lot, and that was why he was so muscular. Why he was so attractive. More pain and guilt shot through Luke.
There's nothing wrong with me
.

"Yeah, you get the weirdest looks on your face sometimes." Cooper grinned and lifted his gym bag. "Not that you're not still cute, because you are, but damn. Okay, I'll see you tonight."

"Bye."

Luke sighed and flopped over on the couch. His eyes glazed over as he stared at the brick wall, forcing himself to breathe deeply. His thoughts became a jumbled mess of his grandparents' quiet disapproval and his aunts' incessant questioning. When was he going to get a girlfriend? Why didn't he dress more like Brody, girls would like him more that way. Brody ... no, he didn't want to think about Brody anymore. He thought about Cooper instead. Cooper's body, Cooper's overconfident swagger, the way he had smelled when he held Luke ...

He awoke disoriented to a loud buzzing noise. It took him a moment to realise that he had even been asleep, then the noise became too overpowering to ignore, and he stumbled over to the speaker on the wall. He'd never used this buzzer before, Cooper always had his keys, and he had no idea how to use it, or who it could be. Perhaps Cooper had forgotten his key? Or else ... no, it couldn't be.

Which button was to speak? Luke blinked furiously, trying to clear the sleep from his eyes. He mashed a green button and managed, "Hello?"

There was no answer. He pressed the button again, but nothing. Oh no, had he pressed the wrong one? Nothing was working now. He stared at the machine for a few minutes, but it didn't buzz again. He went back to the couch and sat down, rubbing his eyes.

There was a knock on the door. Luke's heart jumped out of his chest.
It's Cooper. It's just Cooper. He lost his keys or something.

He went to the door, his hands shaking, and stood in front of it, trying to calm his breathing. Everything would be fine. It was just Cooper. But wouldn't Cooper be shouting at Luke to open the door? Maybe it was someone wanting to visit Cooper. It couldn't be them, they didn't know where he was. It would be fine, it would be ...

His hand slipped on the doorknob when he pulled it open, and his nails dug into his palm by accident. The door swung open, and his aunts stood there. Luke pulled his hand to his chest as his palms began to sweat. He wanted to close the door in their faces, but he couldn't. His voice shook. "What are you two doing here?"

His aunts barged in without invitation. Aunt Gloria was dressed as garishly as usual, in bright neon colours, her hair in a slick ponytail except for the mass of permed curls that made up her bangs. In contrast, Marabeth was as dour as usual in a fitted business suit and sleek bob haircut that had never changed for as long as Luke could remember. His aunt Stacy, Brody's mother, was nowhere to be seen, which was unfortunate because she was sometimes the only one who could keep Marabeth and Gloria in line. No such luck today. Luke clenched his hands tighter, the pain still bothering his hand, distracting him.

Aunt Gloria immediately moved in for a hug, inundating Luke with the scent of nail varnish and old perfume. "Luke, thank goodness you're all right!"

"Of course he's all right," snapped Aunt Marabeth. "Aren't you, Luke?"

"I'm
fine
," managed Luke. Part of him wanted to shove them out of the apartment, and part of him wanted to run away himself. Instead he only managed to stand stock-still, the blood slowly draining from his face.

"So," Aunt Marabeth looked around distastefully while Aunt Gloria wandered into the kitchen. "Is this where you're living? Where's that ...
man
... Liam, is it?"

"How did you get here?" demanded Luke through clenched teeth.

"Oh, we just talked to Rajesh again! The address was on that cheque this Liam man wrote for you."

"Liam ..." Luke shook his head, clenching and unclenching his hands to keep them from shaking. "Who's Liam?"

"Liam Cooper, right?" said Marabeth. "You're living with him and you don't even know his name?"

"No, I know his name." Okay, so he knew his last name. He'd just assumed Cooper was his first name, not that it mattered. But maybe she was right. He
didn't
know that much about Cooper. "Auntie, it's really rude—"

"Well, why did you buzz us up if you didn't want us here, Luke?" called Aunt Gloria from the kitchen. "Where does your friend keep his coffee?"

"I didn't
mean
to, I don't know how to use the buzzer."

"So you were going to turn us away?" asked Aunt Marabeth. "Luke, your behaviour lately is, well, frankly, startling."

"Startling," repeated Luke. He was stuck on repeat, but his mind wasn't allowing him to produce proper sentences. His aunts always made him feel this way. Chatting away together, making him unable to speak or even think.

Suddenly a new voice interrupted them. "Are you having a party, Luke? Or—oh." Luke turned in relief to see Cooper standing in the doorway. He was staring at Luke's aunts with an expression of sudden realisation. "Am I interrupting something?"

Luke stared at him, hoping that Cooper could read the panic in his face. He was pretty sure Cooper could. He glanced at Aunt Marabeth in time to see the most sour look of disapproval he had ever had the pleasure of witnessing.

"I take it you're Liam," she said, her voice thick with disdain.

"It's Cooper, actually," said Cooper with a half-smile that Luke recognised as not really a smile at all. "I take it you're Luke's aunts? We spoke on the phone." He glanced at Luke with a questioning expression. "Did Luke invite you in?"

"Yes he did, actually."

"It was an accident!" said Luke.

"How incredibly rude, Luke!" chastised Aunt Gloria. "Well, now that your friend's here, he can make us some coffee."

"Not sure I want to, actually," said Cooper with another fake grin.

Gloria gave Luke a pointed look. "I see where you're getting the rudeness from."

"Please, Auntie," said Luke, hoping that Cooper's presence could buoy up some courage in him. "I didn't invite you in, I—I'd like you to leave."

"We are certainly not leaving," said Aunt Marabeth. "Not until we've had a discussion." She turned to Cooper. "Alone."

Cooper frowned, the grin fading from his face. "Sorry, but this is
my
house. I'm not gonna force you to leave yet, but I sure as hell don't have to leave you alone in it."

Marabeth gave him a long look. "Fine, then," she said at last. "Luke, come sit down."

Luke glanced at Cooper, who merely raised his eyebrows at him. With trepidation, he went to the chair and sat across from Marabeth, who had deposited herself on the couch without invitation. She sat with her legs neatly together and perched her handbag delicately on her lap.

"Now, Luke, why don't you tell us what's going on? We heard disturbing things from Brody."

"I don't know what you heard from Brody, but nothing's going on. Cooper's my friend, and I'm staying with him for a while—"