Innocence (37 page)

A shiver ran down her spine thinking back to all those years ago, when suddenly she heard a ring tone,
Deepest Blue,
by Deepest Blue. She could hear it, sounding like a phone. She looked around the room, seeing the phone on the table, knowing it was Calvin’s. She had flashbacks, being sure it had been the very tune that they danced to the night of his eighteenth. Her heart raced to the tune, day dreaming back to the very night where they had gone for some air and ended up in the barn, where they…she swallowed hard, created a life. There were no regrets with having Sebastian; if anything, it filled her heart with kindness that she helped out a couple who couldn’t have a miracle, her mind then strolled to her own little miracle, Kacey.

She wondered where Calvin had wandered off to, desperately needing to get to her daughter and see her. She had been sure the doctor left her until last, but she had been expressing her own breast milk.

Sophie scratched her head and screwed up her nose, wondering what to do.

The door opened and Calvin appeared with red bloodshot eyes, it had been clear he had been crying and with every right.

Oh the poor thing!

“Sorry, I needed a little air.”

“It’s okay, I can understand that. I’m sorry, but I felt you needed to know the truth.”

He sat in the chair beside the bed, head held low. Sophie recognised he needed time to get his head around what she had told him, after all, he had been lapping up a single life without any commitments and now, he was a father to a nine-year-old boy.

“I cannot fathom why you didn’t come to me, tell me,” he said, lifting his head up to look into her eyes. Tears filled his eyes and she watched one escape and fall down his cheek. “I would have helped and provided for you without going down the route you had.”

“I know…but at the time I had no idea, Calvin. I was so scared.”

“But, I would’ve helped and given you all the support you needed.”

“I’m sorry…”

“Look, I’m thrilled he’s alive and no doubt playing his parents up. All this time,” he said, and she watched him swallow hard, “I thought the baby had been…”

“Calvin, don’t, please don’t. The fact of the matter is Sebastian is alive and no doubt keeping them on their toes. He loves playing musical instruments and football,” she told him.

“Wow, really? He doesn’t get any of that from me, unless it involves playing loud music in the car,” he mocked.

“Same here!” She smiled at him.

“Anyway,” he said, getting to his feet, “I saw the doctor leaving the ward so I can assume he’s been here to see you?” he said while she watched him straightening his shirt, wearing stonewash jeans.

“Yes, he had been in and I’m doing well.”

“Good, would you like to go see your daughter?” he asked her smiling.

“I would love nothing more.”

* * * *

Calvin sat on the leather chair while Sophie stood looking in the incubator staring at her tiny bundle. He watched her cry a few times, but she was doing her best to hide her emotions. She had expressed her breast milk in the private room, and he had spent an hour talking to another father, and how daunting the whole process of having a child in the neonatal unit department was when having children at home. The couple were trying their hardest to split their time between home and hospital, while the mother struggled to keep everyone happy.

His thoughts had remained on their son, and how he looked, whether he took after Sophie or him, or both of them. He debated whether to call his mum and tell her the news. However, telling them in person would be better. It was hard to believe not only was his child alive, but he was a father. Calvin Edward’s a father to a nine-year-old child who was being well looked after. He tried to understand what Sophie had been through all those years ago and how none of her decisions had been easy, but in saying that he agreed she had done the right thing for him.

Brushing his hair away from his face he looked in the incubator at Kacey and thought how life can throw some strange things at you. How he’d gone from a man, not caring for much or bothering about women, to looking after Sophie, and was a father. It all appeared rather weird and too much to take in, but he was sure in a few days it would sink in and he would be fine.

What hurt the most, was the fact Sophie had her bag stolen with Sabastian’s irreplaceable gifts inside. He wished there was something he could do to help her, but how could he when the bag could be anywhere?

The nurse came back checking Kacey. Sophie helped her change the nappy and then helped feed Kacey through a tube inserted into her nostril.

He watched her yawn, aware she still needed to think about her own rest, but he knew how hard that would be for her.

“Do you wish to head back to your room?” he thought to ask.

“No…I would like to stay here, but not possible.” She sighed.

“I know,” he said, standing close beside her and looked inside the incubator. He saw Kacey wiggling her little arms and legs about. “But tomorrow I will bring you back. And soon you will be living here, well until she is well enough,” he said, being honest with her.

“I hope so. I need to ask the nurse if a room is available for me to move closer to her.”

“Of course.”

Sophie turned to look at him. His heart thumped within his chest, how he craved to wrap his arms around her, offering a passionate, secure cuddle and then the thought of kissing her sweet mouth. He could watch her all the time and never get bored, especially with her daughter. Yet, there was also resentment toward her, anger for what she had done many years ago. He sensed she would have made a great mum to Sebastian if she had the help and support she had wished for. But, no point in him thinking that way…it was years ago and everyone had moved on, well almost.

Sophie returned from asking the nurse about a possible flat for her to stay in.

“Well?”

“They reckon tomorrow, and have reserved the room for me,” she added smiling. “I just need the ward to discharge me.”

“Nice one, fingers crossed they do, you appear to be doing fantastic and I’m pretty sure they’ll need the room for someone else.”

“Exactly.”

He watched Sophie put her hand in the incubator to say goodbye to Kacey and then climb into the wheelchair. He couldn’t help but watch her look sad leaving her daughter. He sensed how it would feel, but at the moment she had no real choice.

He took Sophie back to her ward room, where the nurses were doing handover.

Calvin got Sophie settled into her bed. She yawned and looked tired, eyes red, almost struggling to keep them open.

“I will come back tomorrow, I have a few errands to run,” he said, and saw her shutting her eyes.

“Okay, thank you.” She opened her eyes briefly to him. “You aren’t cross with me about Sabastian are you?” she asked staring into his eyes.

Yes, I’m fuming, but…
He craved to wrap his arms around her and hold her tight. “On the contrary, I’m delighted to know he is alive and well,” he said smiling, trying to stop his heart skipping vital beats and his knees crumbling.

“Good. I would hate to think you did. You have hardly mentioned him,” she added yawning again, placing her hand over her mouth.

“Don’t worry about it. You get plenty of rest…and I’ll see you tomorrow,” he added and pressed his hand against her temple, stroking her hair back away from her stunning features.

“Okay…could you help me with my hair too?” she asked almost asleep.

“Of course.”

He leaned over to kiss her forehead, smelling the sweetness of her hair—raspberry. Calvin waited a few minutes, until noticing her drop off into a deep sleep. He quietly tiptoed to the door and carefully opened it, then switched off the main light, making it darker. He closed the door once on the other side and saw a nurse smiling at him. He smiled back and inhaled a deep breathe, needing to digest the information he had received for the day and decide whether he hated her or loved her. Either way, he was a father and the baby he thought she had terminated was alive, and that eased his heart. 

Chapter Seventeen

“Hello son,” his mum said, delighted to see him. He’d just arrived to the hall after leaving the hospital. She wrapped her arms around him, pulled him into her chest, and smelled of her floral fragrance. “How are you and how was London? Your father told me you were already heading back,” she said whilst he pulled out, finding himself being suffocated.

“Yes, did what was needed and the next meeting I will do via camera. I need to be up here, but I cannot split myself in two,” he said being honest.

“How are you, son?” his father said entering the kitchen.

“Dad,” he said, approaching him and shaking his hand firmly while grinning.

“Coffee?” his mum asked.

“Please,” he said, needing something strong to keep him going. It had been one hell of a day, journey on the train back up north, then to see Sophie’s radiant smile followed by news about their son and now he was at his parents aware his father would give him a lecture on work…

“We had visitors earlier, in fact, two hours ago…concerned to say the least,” his dad mentioned.

Calvin helped his mum make the coffee, while the coffee machine spat and grinded.

“Oh, who?” he asked, not being able to think straight with all the information he had obtained through the day.

“Rosalind and Alan,” his mum said.

“Oh,” he said, leaning against the island. He lifted his brows, aware they had plenty to say and that they weren’t that keen on him, but little did they know he knew the truth about the baby, well now a boy. He had no idea what Sophie’s plans were about telling her parents or whether she intended too, he guessed the truth needed to come out, unsure he could ever keep such a secret, the fact the child was his son.

His mum turned to look at him while his father took over making the coffee.

“They are concerned, you’re spending far too much time with Sophie and getting involved in business that isn’t yours,” she said. Calvin flicked his brows up. “Apparently you’re giving her mixed signals and Sophie is not coping very well.”

“Oh, right, I see. The only people giving her mixed signals are them. Apparently they’re going to help get her house for her and Kacey…pathetic after all these years of not wanting to know her,” he said harsh back.

“Calvin, you really shouldn’t get involved. I know you feel guilty about what happened all those years ago, but you weren’t to know, son. Life has a way of throwing things at us, it’s how we handle them that matter,” she added.

“Please don’t patronize me! I know exactly what I’m doing. She needs support and that is what I’m giving her,” he argued back.

“Yes, but too much, son,” his father added pouring the cream into the mugs. “You aren’t giving your time to the company the way you should be. For goodness sake, you came back after only a few days with a deal still to be made.”

“She needs me,” he argued back.

“No, son,” his mum added. “You are riddled with guilt.”

“No, I’m not. I am simply protecting, keeping her safe. For God sake I’m a grown man,” he disputed, raising his voice.

“Yes, we’re aware of that,” his mum added. “But, we’re concerned about you. Two weeks this has been going on and you need to get your life back on track.”

Calvin scoffed.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Go on enlighten us,” his mum added, glaring at him wide-eyed.

“It doesn’t matter and not only that I’m tired, it has been one heck of a day. I need to sleep on a few things.”

“Calvin, we need to talk about you and Sophie. They’re worried you’re getting involved and will hurt her,” his mum spoke softly

“Well, at least I never forced her into attempting to abort her child,” he snapped, and saw his parents look at him in horror.

“What do you mean ‘attempt’. Sophie did!” his mum added, staring at him confused.

“No…no she didn’t. She had a baby boy,” he yelled at them. Emotions flared not believing what he said, not believing that their child was alive. All that pain he had suffered since discovering the nasty fate and now…the pain hit him full force.

“What?” his father asked.

Calvin scrunched up into a tight ball, crippled and hurt because his son was somewhere out there, being loved by another family. He should have been there for her, back then and they would have loved the child together without giving him away and allowing him to be brought up by others. Crushed, aching in parts of his body he never knew existed until meeting Sophie.

His mum wrapped her arm tightly around his shoulders and curled around him.

“Flipping heck, are you telling me she never got the abortion?” his mum asked in his left ear.

The only response he could give was to nod his head.

“Flipping heck, and Rosalind and Alan have no idea?”

He brought his head out, snivelling with tears flooding down his cheeks, unable to focus on anything. He couldn’t believe how he reacted, sensing he had buried it deep inside, not wanting Sophie to see his anguish, the thrill and excitement that their child was alive and breathing the same air as them.

“No,” he muttered, losing his voice and coughed to try again. “No.”

“What happened to him? Where is he?” his mum asked.

“Adopted and living in York,” he informed them while his heart flipped upside down.

“Flipping heck, when did you find this out?” his father asked.

“Today,” he managed to say through the tears, blocked nose, and a lump in his throat as his heart trembled.

“Good God, why the hell didn’t she tell you this before?” his mum stated.

“She tried but couldn’t…I remember the doctor asked after the caesarean section whether she had been pregnant before, her mum said no, I was livid with her, but I didn’t feel it was my place to say anything, the baby was gone and I have no real connection to Sophie. So, I stood looking gormless. God the words were on my tongue. Yet, little did any of us know she had a full term pregnancy, but I wonder whether the doctor had worked it out, I mean surely they would’ve looked at her notes?” he said aching  inside his chest.

His father passed him some tissue and he blew his nose. The pain in his heart and chest was a pain like never before. He could hardly breathe, sobbing, yet he should be pleased, his son was alive.

His mum nestled into him, holding him tight, all that anguish and discomfort he had grieved about, Sophie being forced to get an abortion when in reality it never happened. He had no idea where to go from here, whether to find their son, or if to leave him be. No matter which direction he took, someone would get hurt and it would more than likely be Sabastian.

“He’s called Sebastian,” he managed to murmur.

“Flipping heck. And she told you nothing?” his father added.

He lifted his head from his chest and looked at his father standing feet away, frowning clearly thinking about the situation. He coughed to clear his throat.

“It wasn’t her fault…please don’t blame Sophie.”

His dad turned to glare at him. “Of course it’s her fault, all these recent weeks of pain, have been her fault. Stop defending her,” he growled at Calvin.

Calvin quickly pushed his mum off him and stood. He scowled at his father. “No, it’s her bloody mum’s fault. She was scared, naive, and a child herself.”

“Old enough to have sex.”

“Yes, I was her first time, I took her virginity,” Calvin shouted hitting his chest in fury.

“Calvin,” his mum said, appalled at his abruptness.

“We made love…if you want anyone to blame, blame me. I put sperm inside her,” he cried out, unable to take the sorrow any longer and had to leave before he said something he would regret. His heart was crippled enough, let alone adding further problems to the situation. How could saving a girl turn into a living nightmare?

In his room, he slammed the door behind him. He kicked off his shoes and threw himself on the bed in pure devastation. He felt useless, not knowing what to do, or how to handle the mess, if to contact or to leave his son well enough alone. His head was tangled, nothing seemed to make sense and yet, Sophie…he loved her. There wasn’t a second he wasn’t thinking about her. He would watch her for hours without breaking free, if he held her it would be forever.

Only, he was fighting a battle and people were speculating he was only in her life for his guilt. Maybe, there was a little truth to the matter, but in all honestly, he had loved her since they were young, she might not have noticed and neither did other’s, but he did.

After they made love in the barn, he wanted more…a relationship, only she disappeared and he never knew why, until now!

“Calvin,” his mum voiced.

He remained curled into a tight ball, not wishing to speak to anyone. His heart ached in severe discomfort, yet he couldn’t understand why.

“Calvin, love,” his mum voiced again.

He could feel her weight sinking onto the bed close to his head.

“Come on…this isn’t you. You’re normally so much stronger than this.”

He didn’t wish to reply to such a comment, if anything he wanted her to leave and allow him to grieve and try and come to a solution on his own.

All these problems that were unfolding made it harder and harder for him to tell Sophie how he felt toward her. His heart ached whenever she was near him. His tongue was tied and the vision of the smile earlier today when he arrived to the hospital had been a magnificent sight, to make his heart warm. Many issues prevented him from moving closer to her, yet made him love her more. He needed her in his life. However, he sensed there would be a major battle with her parents and his own, believing he became trapped in the horror that unfolded between them. But their opinions didn’t matter, the timing was just unfortunate. How he longed to kick himself, he should have made more of an effort in locating her, but then would she have hidden herself, not to be seen?

Thoughts raced around his head, heartbreak and tremors violently shook him constantly.

“Calvin, come on, son, this is silly. You have nothing to be ashamed about. I know right now you’re feeling the world is on-top of you, and that there’s no answers to the events that keep unfolding, but the fact is it’s good news she didn’t have the abortion and he is living and breathing the same air as you. Sophie had a heart and…”

He uncurled himself and sat up quickly to glare at her. “And gave the baby away.”

“She had no choice and did what was right.”

“She could have found me…I would’ve helped her,” he sobbed.

“Calvin, she was young and scared, you said that yourself earlier. Look, the fact remains your son is alive and living not far away. I’m guessing he has great parents.”

“According to Sophie he does,” he replied.

His mum stood and headed into the en suite, emerging a few seconds later with tissue. She passed him the tissues and he blew his nose, he was so congested and his mouth was so dry. He sat forward and looked at his exquisite room, not believing how cruel life had been to Sophie and yet all she had to do was contact him…he would have helped, paid his way, got her a house, anything but what really happened to her and the sacrifices she had to make all those years ago.

“Do you believe Sophie, that he has good parents?”

He shrugged his shoulders, unable to answer. Calvin stood and headed to the large window. The moon was high in the sky and stars shined, flickering in their glory. “I don’t know what to believe. She remained in contact with the parents, and had regular contact with them. Sabastian is aware he’s adopted, apparently one of the binding contract rules Sophie had put in. Her bag was stolen and it had all his details, pictures, and painting he had done for her over the years.”

“Well, that is good news. Not many adopted families would agree to that, if anything the mother is told to stay away.”

He inhaled a deep breath and turned around to look at his mum with only the lamps lighting the room, making it cosy. “It is good? I just don’t know what to do.”

“What do you mean?” she asked calmly.

“Do I track him down and…” He swallowed heavy. “Try and build a relationship with him?”

“Gosh, that is a hard decision to make. And I feel you need to talk to Sophie about that. I mean you don’t wish to hurt your son and impose and destroy his life if he’s having a good one.”

“But he’s my son. My flesh and blood. I made him. I gave the vital sperm to make that boy. How can I possibly just walk away from him?” he cried out, hitting his chest.

“Calvin, calm down… I’m not suggesting you walk away from him. But what I am saying is I bet in all these years it’s not been easy for Sophie to stand back and watch another family, bring up her child. I bet there were times she had broken down and sobbed her heart out. Imagine how she felt walking away after giving birth, handing him over like she didn’t care. I bet it crucified her emotionally,” his mum said.

Tears trickled down his cheeks as he tried to take all the information in. He snorted, trying not to think of the despair she suffered.

“So you think I should leave him alone?” he asked lowering his voice and still uncertain what to do.