Innocence (40 page)

She followed the nurse back down the corridor to the farthest room and watched her open a door. Sophie entered to find a small room, with a double bed, chair, a wardrobe for clothes and a TV with tea and coffee facilities. Sophie noticed her bags placed on the bed. She sighed. She swallowed, not believing her life had been bundled into bags yet again. She wondered what it actually felt like to have a proper home, a place to put your head with security, a place to relax and unwind and be yourself. She scratched her head while the nurse told her about the bathroom, directly opposite her room, with a shower, bath, sink, and toilet.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. I will leave you to get settled and then when you’re ready come and sit with Kacey,” she said smiling.

Sophie felt pleased to finally have her own space. The room was tiny but to be honest, she had planned on spending most of the time beside Kacey and expressing her own milk.

Sophie sighed and stared around the box room. She looked at her bags and decided to start unpacking; it would only take her a few minutes. She tipped the bags upside down and put the few items of clothing she had in a draw along with her toiletries.

She could not believe a majority of the stuff Calvin had brought for her. How she ached and longed for him to come back, at least to try and talk about the situation with their son, or even where they might or might not be heading in the future. She pondered whether she could seriously live without him. He had sacrificed so much for her, including delaying his arrival back to London, and now she had no idea…well she could imagine how he felt about discovering the truth about their son.

She yawned, revealing how shattered she was, it had yet again been an eventful day, and she wondered sometimes how the hell she managed to get through the days. Her life had been tipped upside down, thrown back and forth and she was left thinking about all the catastrophes and wondering if she could cope with another dose—she had no idea.

Once unpacked, she walked down the corridor to the living room to make herself a cup of tea. She placed the cup to her lips and could feel the warm fluid trickle down her throat, first decent cuppa in days. In fact, she wasn’t sure if the last decent cuppa had been at the cottage with Calvin. Her heart ached. She wished he would come and see her. He was her guardian angel, and she really needed him to keep her level headed so she didn’t sink back into the pit she had come from, but then also didn’t wish to bribe him and make him think he had to be with her.

She sipped on the tea lost in thought, picturing Calvin, and his adorable smile, and the way his eyes lit up, making her at ease. Slowly Sophie turned around to see her mum stood in the doorway.

“Hi,” she said, shocked.

“Hello, the nurse told me you had been discharged.”

“Yes, sorry I was going to call you, but got side-tracked,” she said, honestly.

“It’s okay. I bet you have so many things on your mind right now,” her mum said.

Her mum stared at her, remaining in the doorway.

“Yes, yes, I do, but at least I’m closer to Kacey and don’t have to wait for permission to go and see her,” she told her.

“Yes, that is a good point. I’m guessing you’re living here until further notice?”

“Yep, I sure am. I have to be with Kacey and make sure I’m here for any changes. It’s killed me being so far away from her,” she told her mum.

Sophie’s heart skipped beats. The way her mum stared at her made her feel anxious, but then what was new?

“Have you seen Calvin?” her mum asked.

Sophie looked at her wide-eyed.

“Why?” she had to ask.

“I was wondering with him being back from London, and I believe he rushed back to be close to you.”

“Oh…well yes I have seen him, yesterday and today.”

“I went to see Ann and Graham about Calvin being around you too much and that I’m deeply worried that he is messing with you.”

“Excuse me…who the hell has given you permission to interfere in my life?” she screamed, blood boiling.

“They had to know of my concerns.”

“You mean get him out the way, as I have already caused you great trouble.”

“I am simply looking out for you. You cannot repair the past.”

Sophie stood staring at her mortified, stunned by her words, still not seeing the pain she had caused her all those years ago.

“Are you kidding me…we had sex, we made a baby…and you…”

“Sophie, calm down. I know what happened all those years ago was pretty cruel of me, but I honestly did what I thought was best for you. You didn’t need to be a young mum, tied down to a screaming baby that eats, sleeps, and poos constantly. You had a career to get on with and a child would have prevented you doing what you wished.”

“Yes, well it still screwed up my life, living on the streets and not knowing where my next meal was coming from, but then why would you care?” she snapped. Her blood raged. “You have no idea what you put me through, all you cared about was the family reputation, and not wanting me to blacklist the family name.”

“That is not true, Sophie. I wanted what was best for you.”

“So why slam the door in my face when I needed you?” she snarled.

“Sophie, you just turned up out of the blue without warning,” her mum said and stood tall.

“And? Aren’t you meant to look after your children? Yes, I was a pain in the ass, but what you made me do, I hated you…I hated you so much,” she screamed.

Her mum glared at her wide-eyed with her eyeballs almost about to pop out of their sockets. “I wanted you…I needed you…but you slammed the door in my face and you never told Dad the truth did you? Until Calvin dropped you in it, when I was being operated on, yes, he told me,” she said.

Her mum stood looking gormless.

“I vomited for days about what you made me do. I hated you so much,” she screamed at her mum as tears flooded down her cheeks.

“Sophie, please, I’m sorry. I only did what I thought was best for you.”

“But you slammed the door in my face?” she bawled, putting her tea down on the small coffee table, before she spilt it all over her and she would end up on burns unit.

“I…I was annoyed with you. You had left home, thinking you knew the world, so I thought I would teach you a lesson. Stand on your own two feet,” her mum said frantically.

“Oh really…well that is pretty crap. You have no idea how I have spent the last nine years moving from place to place, living in alley ways, scrounging out of bins looking for my next meal. All I wanted was support and love and instead you slammed the door in my face. I can never forgive you, never. And as for Calvin…stay out of my life,” Sophie said angry. She pointed her finger harsh at her mum. “He wants to help me and be a friend I have never had, you have no right to interfere. I am twenty-six years old and old enough to make my own decisions and mistakes, and God knows I have made many of them,” she added, wiping away the pathetic tears, not wishing her mum to see her agony.

“I’m sorry, but I think he will let you down, again.”

“Again, something you do very well, Mum. After all a few weeks ago you slammed the door in my face again, and he stopped me from doing something silly, but then why would you care? What do you care? And why the hell are you trying to act like a caring mum suddenly. You have never cared before,” Sophie added, becoming fed-up with the woman dictating to her what she should do.

“Of course I care. And I have always cared about you.”

“And that is why I walked the streets, because my mum was teaching me a lesson. You’re unbelievable. And just to let you know…when you took me for that abortion…I never had it.”

Her mum widened her eyes and stood shocked, and jaw dropped. “Pardon.”

“I never had the abortion…I carried on with the pregnancy,” she cried out. Her mum stood horrified. “Yes, Mum, you have a grandson called Sebastian. Calvin has a son…our son. I could not kill my unborn baby and didn’t. That is the reason I stayed away and returned home when I did,” she shrieked.

The room went silent and sombre.

A few seconds later her mum moved to the closest seat and sat down, clasping her hands like a child and looking down at the brown carpet. She could see the sheer horror on her face, holding her breath, gulping frantically, her eyes narrowed, her body slumped, looking mystified.

“You kept him?” she muttered.

“Yes. I couldn’t kill him.”

“Where is he?” she asked, keeping her head down.

“York, adopted and doing very well,” Sophie replied.

She reached for her tea to take a sip with her mouth being dry.

“Calvin knows?” she whispered.

“Yes,” she said, putting the mug down and stared down at her mum. Her face full of sheer dismay, and Sophie bet a million things were racing around her head. “I had to tell him, he was cutting himself up, and not only that I couldn’t keep my secret to myself any longer. I had tried telling him, but things or people kept cropping up. For years I had wanted to tell someone about him, but I dared not. And now everyone but dad knows.”

Her mum lifted her head to gaze at her daughter tears in her eyes. “How did he react?”

Sophie swallowed. “Not too good. This morning he was abrupt and asked me so many harsh questions. He doesn’t understand why I never went to him for help.”

“Why didn’t you?” Tears trickled down her mum’s cheeks. Sophie’s heart stopped beating, never had she seen her mum cry.

“I was scared you would find out that I went behind your back. I couldn’t kill the baby, it felt so wrong therefore I got help and they advised me on my options. Caroline and Mike are great parents to him. I keep in contact with them, and Sebastian knows he is adopted and that I’m his real mum,” she added.

Her mum sniffed and wiped her nose with the back of her hand.

“I don’t know what to say,” she said scratching her brow.

“Don’t say anything, because it’s the past and it’s already been and gone. I cannot do anything about what happened, and therefore no point in dwelling over it. I’m, however, worried about Calvin, he stormed off in a bad state and…”

“And?” her mum said.

Sophie stared down to the floor.

“I’m so sorry for the nightmares I have caused recently. I had no idea who Calvin was. Yes, I remembered Anne and Graham having a good-looking son, but I hardly ever saw him. So when he stopped me from jumping off the bridge, yes, he looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t think where from, and I had so many other concerns to worry about I just never put it together,” she explained and moved to the coffee table to sit down opposite her mum and inhaled a deep breath.

“And he never recognised you?”

“No, not until his friend Ross was helping me fill in an application form to get help for a house.”

They both looked into one another’s eyes.

“I’m so sorry, I went behind your back, you were so adamant about me getting rid of the baby, and to be honest you never gave me a chance to think. I was scared, lonely, and I confided in you, and your reaction was to kill. I hated you…I really hated you, and I was frightened about your reaction if I didn’t kill the baby, so I did what I thought was best, only my result ended up a living nightmare, only I made the right decision about my son, that I would never change,” she sobbed.

Tears streamed down her mother’s cheeks. Her mum reached out and took hold of her hand and rubbed it gently.

“I am so sorry,” her mum expressed.

Sophie could hear a loud lump in her throat and her voice was weak.

“I should have been more supportive, I just panicked. I saw red and well did what I thought was best for you, but instead my only daughter ended up in a bad rut. I’m sincerely sorry from the bottom of my heart. I should have been there for you,” she said, coughing to clear her throat. “You had destroyed the bubble I had created to look after you. You had sex with boys.”

“No, Mum, I had sex with Calvin, he was the only man I had been with,” she explained, needing to urgently correct that matter.

Her mum’s eyes gazed at her, and watched her lick her lips and inhale a deep breath.

“Only him?”

“Yes, Mum. He was my first.”

“What have I done?”

“Don’t, Mum…it’s in the past. You know the truth and that you have a grandson and a granddaughter fighting for her little life, that is all that matters. We can go over the past forever, but it won’t change what happened. I was sixteen, young and stupid, but I gave a gift, a special gift to a couple who have brought Sabastian up well, and that is what matters. Yes, I have been down many rocky roads, but it taught me a few valuable lessons. Life isn’t a
bed of roses
. It took me a while, but I got there.” She smiled, rubbing her mum’s hand gently.

“And Kacey’s father?” her mum asked softly.

“Doesn’t care and not worth my breath,” was enough to say about him.

“And Calvin?”

That was the one question that cut her up more. Tears filled her eyes. She shrugged her shoulders, unable to answer the question verbally.

“Oh love,” her mum said and lunged forward to embrace Sophie into her arms. Her warmth was captured and was truly wonderful and welcoming. Tears streamed down her cheeks, sobbing, wishing she knew where Calvin was, but the truth was she had no idea.