Innocence (38 page)

“I think you should think about the options, talk to Sophie, try and come to a conclusion. If Sabastian is stable and happy the last thing you need to do is go hurdling in with guns blazing and scaring the poor little soul. What has Sophie told Sabastian about you?”

“Only that she didn’t know where I was.”

“Which is true, she didn’t until you crossed paths again, only taking your time to realize who one another way, but that doesn’t matter, what does matter is you have to think logically about your son, and try and not cause him too much distress, especially if he is settled and happy, it could tip his world upside down and you need to step carefully…one small step at a time.”

He knew what his mum was saying, and to be honest it calmed his heart a little, knowing that him charging in would create a war, which was not the right way to handle the matter. There was no chance he wished to disrupt his son and ruin what his adopted parents had done for him, if they had done a remarkable job with him.

“What about Rosalind and Alan?”

“What about them? They’re the least of your problems. However, Calvin, I do agree you need to step back from Sophie and the new baby.”

Bile filled his throat and he struggled to swallow. His heart shattered into tiny pieces with the pain of everyone telling him what was right for him, but the truth was they had no idea, and neither did he.

* * * *

Sophie could not help but worry about Calvin and the way he react to the news she shared with him earlier in the day about Sabastian. Her heart melted, but she had to be honest with him and stop having him cutting himself up over the thought of her killing their baby. She hadn’t and he was very much alive. Her biggest fear was what he’d do with the information, if he’d go search for him and destroy Sabastian’s life.

There was no question that his parents were doing a great job, yet what hurt more was that over the years she had sobbed and suffered with an aching heart for letting go of her child. She had been chewed up and spat out so many times, it became the norm. Yet, in her delicate heart no matter what she’d suffered at that moment in her life Sebastian was always in her thoughts. When she discovered she was expecting Kacey, her first thought was Sebastian would have a half-sibling, he would have a brother or sister. Over the years Sophie had received birthday cards…and a gift for Mother’s Day. When she walked through parks and watched families playing and children eating ice creams, even when out and about and found children in the local stores, pleading with their mums to buy them goodies, silly stuff. There was never a day that went by she didn’t think about Sebastian and how much she had missed out on.

She missed out on his early years when he started teething, walking, first words, first day to nursery, missing his immunisations, there was so many things she had lost and it broke her many times. But she knew in the back of her mind she’d done the right thing for him, providing security and stability, something she couldn’t give. She often imagined the life he would have had with her, being kicked from one place to another, no money, no food, no clean clothes…or would social services have come and taken him away from her? The thought made her heart ache. Sebastian had everything a child would ever dream about and she had evidence of such activity, the smile on his face in the photographs and the times she’d seen him, told her he was happy.

She had no idea how Calvin would process the information or whether he would wish to have contact with him. What she didn’t want was for Calvin to go screaming in and cause disruption for Sebastian and shouting he was his father. Sophie understood the pain Calvin suffered, hell she held the same concerns and anguish for almost ten years since falling pregnant. She had buried it deep inside her soul and hoped one day it would surface, but right now all for the wrong reasons. She had other priorities, Kacey, did that sound selfish? Sabastian was happy and with a loving family whereas Kacey was sick and in desperate need of her mum. She hoped in years to come Sabastian would forgive her and somehow understand what she did and why.

Sitting twiddling with her fingers, she thought about her arrival to the village and how her life had tipped upside down and not only hers but Calvin’s, his innocence destroyed. She knew he’d been living the life of luxury, spending his hard earned cash, living life to the fullest and then he saved her and discovered a handful of nightmares.

She would admit there had been days where she wondered what would have happened if she had approached Calvin and told him about the baby. The truth was she’d been too scared and naïve to even think straight, she had no idea what right or wrong was, especially when thinking about an innocent child. Then she thought how wonderful it might have been if her mum hadn’t slammed the door in her face and told her to leave. Nevertheless, that was all the past and that story had been written, there was no going back, it was the future that she needed to think about, and Kacey was high on that list.

Sophie inhaled a deep breath, trying to get her direction and think positive. She must remain calm for Kacey as she would pick it up and then a bigger fight would be needed. It was going to be bad enough living in the Neonatal unit for a while, without worrying about everything else.

A knock arrived at her door. “Enter,” she said watching the door open and saw Calvin.

She gasped at the sight of him, he looked shocking, red blotchy eyes, uncared for, hair was shabby and he wore a pair of jeans and a baggy T-shirt with sandals. He gazed at her, closed the door quietly behind him and walked slowly around the bed. Not a word spoken. The room felt cold and airy, silent, she only heard her heartbeat thumping inside her ear drums.

She gulped heavily, trying to remove the discomfort from her throat. Her gut ached with pain. His dark eyes were subdued, he wasn’t his usual self and she got the sense the world was on his shoulders. Calvin lifted his head to look at her. She got a feeling he hadn’t slept.

He walked to the chair beside her bed to her right and pulled it away from the bed. The scraping against the floor sent a chill down her back. He hurled his body into the chair and leaned forward, running his fingers through his gelled hair and stared in the opposite direction. How she longed to wrap her arms around him and tell him it was okay, but the reality was she had no idea.

Sophie watched him inhale deeply and gulp several times. He lifted his bushy brows and she waited for him to say something. It was clear there was something he needed to say, but she bet he struggled to find the right words. Silence filled the room. She feared what he was thinking or about to say. She had spent most of her time in bad atmospheres and right now was certainly another one. Sophie needed him to speak, even if harsh, just something to take away the feeling of discomfort.

“I cannot stop thinking about what you told me yesterday,” he finally spoke.

She watched him roll his shoulders and avoid looking at her. She licked her lips and rolled her tongue over her teeth, her mouth had dried and she reached for a drink before she could say anything. She swirled the cordial drink around her mouth and carefully without making a sound placed it back on the cabinet.

He leaned farther forward and placed both his hands in his hair. “I’ve told my parents,” he added.

She breathed in heavy, aware now it wouldn’t be too long before her parents knew the truth.

“Sorry, Sebastian has been swirling around my head. I cannot stop thinking about him and what I should do, or how to behave,” he said finally glancing at her.

Only for her to see his eyes filled with tears. She covered her mouth with her hand, needing to try and fight his pain. Sophie knew it would be difficult for him. She understood fully, but there were now issues raised, such as upsetting Sabastian, which she had feared and had to try and prevent.

“I’m so sorry,” was all she could say.

“Is he really okay, healthy and being well looked after? Has he got everything a little boy desires? I am struggling to grasp the fact our son is alive,” he said, wiping away the tear that trickled down his cheek. “One minute I’m getting use to the idea you killed my baby…”

Her heart jolted to the terrible word ‘killed.’

“And now you’re telling me the baby lived and he’s nine years old…how the hell am I meant to deal with your lies?”

“I never lied.”

He turned his head to scowl at her. “You might not have been direct in your information, but you hardly told the truth, that he lived and now is adopted.”

“Calvin, you asked me why I hated my mother, so I told you…at the time it…”

He placed his hand up, stopping her from saying another word. “What the hell does it matter what happened or whether you never told the entire truth and instead you allowed me to believe you killed our baby?”

“I didn’t know who you were…it was one night for God sake,” she screamed.

He glared at her, making her feel like she should hide under the bed. “If I may finish…a baby I didn’t know existed…first, I had the news to deal with that you had an abortion…have you any idea how shocked I was, devastated, how you tipped my life upside down? There I am living a normal, happy life in London and you…you’ve been living in hell because of something I created. Have you any idea how that feels?” he said abruptly.

“Calvin, please, I did what I thought was right. How was I to know how you would react? I only listened to what my mum suggested.”

“Your mum is full of shit…” he screamed out to her. “For God sake, a baby…a living, breathing person who I could have helped you with…but you kept him a secret not just from me but from everyone.”

“I did what I thought was right. I couldn’t kill my baby,” she said with tears streaming down her cheeks.

“Well you didn’t, but quite frankly I’m appalled with your handling of the situation.”

Sophie sensed no matter what she said or how she tried to explain what happened it wouldn’t ever be right. Sophie could clearly see how distressed Calvin was and not listening to a word she said. Yes, she messed up and took the wrong road, but she only followed orders and had been afraid to approach her mum and tell her the truth, so therefore she followed her heart. There was no way she regretted continuing with her pregnancy and giving her baby a chance at living and having a happy life. She made sure everything was put in place and her son would always understand she was his mum, which had been vital and put delightfully in place.

“I was distraught when I discovered who you were and what I had shared with you. I had never told anyone what I told you,” she said feeling great tension throughout her body.

He squinted hard at her, full of hatred.

“I’m sorry…what more can I say?” she said with a heavy heartbeat.

“I’m not sure what the hell you should say, or whether I even care anymore, especially about you.”

Sophie’s breath hitched and her chest buckled, leaving her unable to inhale. Her heart stopped beating staring at him, hating the harsh tone that came out of his mouth.

“What I care about now is my son…so tell me about him!”

Sophie saw she was left with no choice but to accept what they both had had disappeared and she was left with a huge hole in her heart.   

“He is…” she stuttered uncomfortable with his company now. Sophie coughed to clear her throat and rubbed her upper chest, due to the horrendous pain she suffered. “He is very happy and has all he would ever wish for.”

He flared his nostrils, clearly resenting what he was hearing. She needed to try and defend herself, even if it was the last thing she ever did. “It wasn’t easy for me to hand him over and walk away. And there isn’t a day gone by I haven’t thought about him and wished I could have made a different decision. I love him unconditionally,” she said as tears fled her eyes. She tried to fight the agony, but the truth was she’d felt like this for years, she’d hidden it away from others and finally she could share Sebastian with someone.

“Is there anyone who knows about him?” Calvin asked, taking to his feet and walking sharply to the window.

“No one knew but the medical team who helped me and the family who adopted him. And now you and your family, that is it,” she said being honest.

“You said you had things delivered to your friend’s house,” he grumbled, she feared he was attempting to catch her out.

“Yes, but she didn’t know what any of it was. I could not tell anyone, as much as I wanted to. I lived with her for a few years until she got with her partner, but I never discussed Sebastian with her,” she told him and wiped away the tears.

He stood like a statue staring out the window.

“Do you know where to find them?”

“Yes,” she added.

Calvin turned around to stare at her.

“But I have to look after Kacey now. Sebastian is safe and well, he is in my heart and always will be. He has a stable life and well cared for, I have seen his smile many times and he is so content and happy.”

His eyes glared daggers at her.

“Tell me,” he said while shooting to the chair and gazed deeply into her eyes. “What was it like to give him away?”

“What?” she said, unsure she liked the question?

“Tell me how it felt to hand him over.”

Sophie was shocked by his question and could not believe what he’d asked her. “It bloody killed me. The pain is indescribable. I sobbed for months. That was why I went back to the village hoping Mum would forgive me for leaving abruptly. I needed time to get over my anguish, there is no worse feeling in the world than carrying a baby for nine months and then at the end handing it over to another couple to raise. I nurtured him, kept him safe and warm, protected him and then once he was here…I dreaded the day I gave birth to him. I cried all the time when I was alone in my bedroom rubbing my belly, talking to him and saying sorry.