Innocence (39 page)

“I still feel that way. The agony when they told me my time was up living with them and I had to pack my belongings and leave. Leave them to bring up my baby boy. Trust me, there were moments when I thought about taking him with me…but I couldn’t. I really couldn’t. I had nowhere to go and that was the reason I was giving him up. I loved him with all my heart, and wanted what was best for him,” she said, her heart sobbing, unable to keep eye contact with him.

“I just cannot believe you didn’t come to me.”

“It wasn’t that easy. I was young, naive and scared. My head was a mess…I have explained this to you,” she said, annoyed to be going around in circles.

“But you made the decision to give him up. Surely there would have been help for you,” he yelled at her as tears ran down his cheeks. She understood his questions, but the fact remained she had nothing and no one to help her.

Torrents of tears ran down her cheeks suffering with the pain and pure heartache. “I was scared for God sake. I had nothing, no one.”

“Why hadn’t you been honest with your parents? Why didn’t you come to me?” he cried at her and she saw the pure anguish in his face.

“I was scared,” she said, lowering her voice, unsure what else she could say, aware he wasn’t taking into consideration her age at the time. The pain in her chest was unbearable, tight and restricting her breathing.

“My son is out there being brought up by another man…” he said, hitting his chest. “Another woman….how the hell could you allow that to happen.”

“I had no choice, I had nothing,” she cried at him.

“You should have come to me, yes I would’ve been shocked, but fuck…to give my child away without me even knowing you were expecting, have you any idea how that hurts and how embarrassing it is,” he screamed at her.

“I’m sorry,” she sobbed.

“Sorry, sorry doesn’t even come close to the way I’m feeling,” he said, as the tears continued to stream down his cheeks, never had she seen a man cry the way he was. “Not only am I trying to come to terms with this. My son…our son, is still out there living and breathing and being brought up by a couple I don’t even know,” he yelled at her.

“Please, you’re making this harder for me,” she expressed, reaching for her tissues to wipe away her anguish.

“Harder for you, who the hell are you kidding? You’ve had years to come to terms with the fact another couple is raising your child and me…until a few weeks ago I had no idea there had even been a baby. Yet, you carry on with your life, like everything is okay.”

“What,” she shouted at him. “I haven’t had a day without thinking about him. He is my life, and I’m still in touch with him.”

“But someone else is bringing him up,” he added.

Sophie could see she was going around in circles and it didn’t matter what she said he would dismiss it. The comment he made, made her feel like she hadn’t and didn’t care for their son. The truth was she loved her son and that was the main reason for keeping in touch and him knowing the truth about him being adopted. It had been the hardest decision of her life and she knew no matter what was thrown at her, she had made the right decision for Sabastian, despite Calvin’s reservation.

“Calvin, please…you have to understand the pain I went through to give birth to him and then hand him over, it wasn’t easy, I still suffer every day. With every breath I take and every heartbeat,” she said weeping.

Calvin spun to scowl at her.

“You have got to be seriously kidding me…too late for all this sob story now, when our son is being raised by another couple,” he said narrowing his eyes.

A knock came at the room door and then opened as the nurse popped her head around and widened her eyes to see the couple weren’t looking too happy. She and Calvin were blubbing.

“Sorry I have the doctor, Sophie, for you…but we will come back,” the nurse said and promptly closed the door.

She looked at Calvin whilst he glared and her.

“I cannot cope with this,” he said and with that stormed out of the room.

She watched Calvin race to the door and exit, slamming it behind him.

“Calvin,” she called out unable to move to catch him up with her abdomen being stitched up and still sore. Tears fled down her cheeks and she could feel his pain.

Yet, now she shared her prolonged agony with Calvin.  

Chapter Eighteen

Sophie had got the all clear from the doctor and was free to leave the ward, she was only waiting on the discharge papers. Words could not express how excited she had become. Finally she could go and be beside her daughter twenty-four-seven. It was all she needed to get her through the nasty days that haunted her like a black cloud. She ached and felt sore whenever she tried to move her body. Slowly but surely, she somehow managed to get dressed. The nurse had asked her if she wished her to call anyone but in honestly, she just wished to be left alone. The thought of having anyone dictating to her and telling her what she should or should not be doing daunted her. All she cared about was getting to her daughter and being surrounded by nursing staff in the neonatal unit. Kacey was her main priority.

Calvin’s storming off had left her feeling worse than ever, and yet she could understand his hostility. He resented her decisions to have their son Sabastian adopted and she could understand his argument, but at the end of the day she’d been young, scared and knew nothing about the real world. She had spent her childhood being wrapped in cotton wool. School, home, school, home that was what her life was, no friends between and when she did wish to go to parties her parents came up with lame excuses for her not to go. She hardly knew anyone, if anything she grew up, one lonely child. She always played on her own in her bedroom. The fact remained, she only saw other kids when her parents took her to friends’, or local activities.

The nurse came in her room to check how she was getting on with her packing and whether she was close to being transferred. Sophie sat on the side of the bed crying, worthless and useless.

“Are you okay, I saw your partner leave earlier, he looked upset?”

“Don’t please don’t. I have messed his life up, wrecked his innocence.”

“Oh come on, I’m sure it’s not that bad, and he’ll be back loving you.”

Sophie turned to her… “He isn’t my lover, he’s simply or was a dear friend.”
And the father to my first born child!

Her eyes shot wide open. “I thought he was…”

“No, he’s…he’s…” She had no idea what to call him. “He’s a very special man who has supported me through a very difficult time and I owe him greatly for everything, but now I fear I have lost him,” she sobbed.

“I’m sure he’ll be back and giving you all the support you need.”

Sophie lifted her head to look at the door, wishing he’d come back. “I doubt that, I doubt it very much. What I have done is unforgivable and I deserve him to hate me.”

The nurse took hold of her hand. “Would you like to talk about it?”

Sophie turned to her using her hand to wipe away the tears. “If I tell you I’m sure you’ll change your opinion about me too.”

“Let me be the judge of that. And after all, no one is perfect, we all mess up from time to time. It’s the people who are there to help who we call true friends.”

Sophie thought for a few seconds and longed to tell someone the truth about her situation, she hoped the nurse wouldn’t judge her.

She sobbed her heart out and told the nurse the story and what hell her world had become. She listened to her whether she approved of the decisions or not, the fact remained Sophie had made decisions all those years ago and had no chance of changing what happened.

Her heart shattered into pieces. She had no idea where Calvin had gone, his state of mind had left her concerned. She was certain he wouldn’t do anything rash, but in his mental condition the truth was she had no real idea. She had been aware since meeting one another on the bridge she had tipped his life upside down, no longer did he have the prefect life, but a life that had turned into shock and destruction. In time it would get better, she was certain of it. Only she was worried about Calvin and whether he was okay.

Her case was packed, ready and waiting for the porter to take her to the neonatal unit, along with her medication and antibiotics. She sat on the bed wearing the loose dress that Calvin had purchased for her when they managed to get to Monks Cross for her to buy an outfit. The dress was lovely and gave her plenty of room to maneuverer without something catching her stitches. The dress felt strange with her no longer expecting. Now her tiny bundle was being well looked after by wonderful nurses.

She was unable to stop thinking about Calvin, Sebastian and Kacey. Calvin was a grown man, and she would admit over the last few weeks her heart had fallen for him. It was unfortunate, that things had gone so terribly wrong. News after news she poured out to him, not understanding why he felt so guilty. He had done nothing but be her hero, best friend and listened to her when she needed him. He was there to offer her comfort when times had been so hard, especially when seeing her daughter for the first time. Just to see her daughter so small and on so many daunting machines was enough to make any mother’s heart ache.

Calvin was a unique guy, caring, sweet natured, gorgeous brown chocolate eyes, and a smile that would charm any woman. She particularly liked the way he was always there making sure she was settled and had everything she needed. Like the wonderful day they’d shared in the Yorkshire Dales when they really should have been going to the hospital. Instead they had a day filled with tranquillity and no worries, only to be hit with the devastation of haemorrhaging and that threw everything off course, but could not have been helped.

The way Calvin had lied to the nurse about being her partner and the father to Kacey, why would he do that? She guessed he wanted to be with her and make sure no harm came to her or Kacey. He was the only person who expressed concern and helped her without conditions.

A terrible chill run through her body, causing goose bumps. Bile filled her throat thinking about Calvin and how she’d broken his heart. If only she had never gone back to the village and remained hanging around the refuge. However, she’d gone back to the village and no sense in wishing anything different. There had been many things she’d learned over years and mainly life sucked, it wasn’t about living in a pretty house with nicely decorated rooms and a sweet garden filled with beautiful colored flowers. Life wasn’t about having the perfect setting in a village with a small idyllic pub, and even knowing everyone else’s business, and helping out in village activities, far from it.

The real world struggled to make ends meet, wondering where your next meal would come from, piling up no end of debts, and living in a house with fungus growing and wallpaper peeling off the disgusting walls. A garden full of junk and glass without anyone caring it was a dumping ground. The area where she had lived with Rob, you would never walk down the streets alone in fear you would get jumped, mugged, or worse raped. That was the reality of life.

Her mum and dad had no doubt tried so hard to bring her into the world, wanting the best for her, but then that terrible fate of ten years ago left her life in turmoil. There was no way on God’s Earth she regretted keeping Sebastian and continuing with her pregnancy, and giving a couple a child they had always dreamed about. They were a really nice couple and had done their best to look after her while she lived under their roof.

Her stomach swirled in agony really wanting Calvin to come back and talk about Sabastian, but the truth was their son was safe, well-looked after and had everything he desired. She would make it her priority once Kacey was well enough to get back in contact with his parents and inform them about her current state with his half-sister. She had no idea if they would want Kacey in Sabastian’s life, she couldn’t see why not, but she guessed that was a decision for the couple to make, but she had plenty of time to think about that.

A knock sounded on the door and a young nurse arrived with her medication. “I bet you’re pleased to be leaving?” She smiled.

“I am, but I’m only moving to another part of the hospital to be with my daughter.”

“Well, if you’re anything to go by, she will be a strong young lady like yourself.” She smiled.

“Let’s hope so.” She smiled.

The porter soon arrived to take her to the neonatal unit. She sat in the wheelchair while he loaded her with bags and then off she headed. Thrilled she could be with her daughter around the clock and stay close to help feed her and change her tiny little nappy.

The journey didn’t take long before she arrived to the unit, just to see the sign above the door filled her heart with warmth and compassion. The double doors swung open and two nurses came forward to greet Sophie, smiling. She smiled back. They helped her unload her bags and the porter left. She stood with her heart aching, craving to get to her daughter as they carried her bags through. She sanitized her hands, not wishing to spread infection of any sort to her tiny little bundle.

“Sophie has been discharged from the ward,” the nurse told the nurse who was looking after her daughter.

“Wonderful. Give me a few minutes and I will help you get settled in,” she told her.

Sophie was more than happy to look into the incubator of her daughter watching her kicking and waving her tiny little arms and legs around. She could see her thick dark hair and her eyelids as she was sleeping. Tears formed in her eyes looking at her little one, hearing the hums and beeps, and seeing the lights flashing. It was a sight for her to get used to, but she knew it was all to help Kacey grow and be strong.

She sat in the large leather chair as her abdomen hurt slightly, but she knew that would happen for a short time. She’d been given leaflets on looking after herself after a caesarean section and the do’s and don’ts, which were easier said than done, but then she was hardly lifting anything, her daughter was only a tiny weight and she wasn’t able to hold her at all yet.

She wondered about Calvin, wondered what happened to him, if he needed time to calm down and clear his head. She had thought about calling him, or sending a text, but her heart told her that wasn’t a wise idea, he might still be fuming with her.

“She is eating a little more,” the nurse told her.

“That is wonderful.”

“I do, however, have a few questions to ask you. I was hoping Dad would be here,” the nurse said.

She looked around the room.
Why would Rob be here
?

“Sorry?” Sophie asked, confused, when it dawned on her.

“The father who has been with you.”

“Calvin?”

“Yes, he’s a very nice young man, you must be delighted,” she said as she smiled and pulled a chair over to sit alongside Sophie.

“He isn’t her father.”

The nurse looked at her wide eyed. “Sorry.”

“He isn’t her father,” she repeated.

“Oh, but he’s your partner?” she asked, looking deeply into her eyes.

Sophie inhaled a deep breath and slowly released. She turned her head to her right to gaze at the older nurse. “No.”

“Sorry, I’m confused.”

“He’s a friend, my guardian angel. At least he was until I upset him earlier and now he is nowhere to be seen,” she told her.

“Oh, so the real father…what about him?”

Sophie really didn’t wish to be having this conversation, but sensed she needed to just in case anything went wrong with Kacey. “He’s out of the picture, cheated on me and never wanted Kacey…told us both to die,” she told her frankly.

“Oh my goodness that is terrible. So if we were to call him about treatment or helping Kacey…”

“Forget it, he would not help in the slightest. Why? Does she need help?” she asked frantically.

“No…stop worrying. I was just looking at the information sheet about next of kin and I could see the father wasn’t down. I was going to ask Calvin, but clearly he wouldn’t have been any good.” She smiled.

“No, afraid not,” she paused, “unfortunately. I think he would make a great father.”

“Well, we might have to ask for his details at some point, just in case, but I’m sure she will do great, she’s a little fighter in there,” she said standing. “I will take you to your accommodation in a few minutes and get you settled,” she told her while walking off and checking on her daughter once again.

Her mind drifted back to Calvin and how he would make a great father, he had already shown her great support and had been there for her at her lowest point. She had wondered if she really would have jumped that day, not only killing herself but her daughter. Her eyes filled with tears to the nasty thought of neither one of them being here. She was back and about to fight the world, there was no way she was going to give up the fight. She had the strength and power to be more determined and take whatever was thrown in her direction. Nothing would tear her and Kacey apart, nothing.

She hoped Calvin would come back, but her heart told her he was gone and couldn’t forgive her for what she’d done. She didn’t blame him, but she had been left with no choice.

She hoped in time he would comprehend her actions, the only problem was she wasn’t sure she could live without Calvin; he gave her the strength she needed.

She sat and waited for the nurse to finish her observations on her daughter and then it was time to show her through to her living quarters until Kacey was strong enough to leave the hospital.

They headed down a corridor where she saw at the end a sitting room. The nurse took her to see the room, seeing the facilities where tea and coffee could be made and a large plasma TV and internet connection, leather chairs, children’s toys and a box full of premature clothes, kitchen facilities including a microwave and a cupboard for each flat. The room was decorated in yellow with pictures of the countryside dotted all over the place.