Innocence (29 page)

“Don’t worry about Jenkins. He approves of you wholeheartedly. Says he’s never seen me in such good form.”

“Oh.” Lisa had lowered the covers, relieved to find the room empty of servants, approving or otherwise. “I’m glad. I think you’re winning Ruth over, too, which is saying something considering what the poor girl has endured.”

Nathaniel’s expression had darkened at the reference, reminding her of his reaction when she had told him Ruth’s horrifying history—with her permission, of course. Ruth’s hope was her story might inspire Nathaniel to act on behalf of other girls who found themselves in similar positions, and he had been only too willing to discuss the possibilities. Lisa wanted to help in any way she could which was, in part, why she had not blurted the truth to Nathaniel the night before when he’d asked her what was wrong.

While he had slept by the fire in between their bouts of lovemaking, she had lain watching him—the man she loved so recklessly—and considered what her leaving would do to him. Nathaniel loved her, or the person he believed her to be. If she left without a word, he would be devastated. She was sure he would search for her, but could see no alternative.
 

For a time, she allowed herself to ask the “what if” questions she had dared not consider until now.

If she told Nathaniel who she really was . . .
 

And if he didn’t assume she’d set out to entrap him, could appreciate the reasons for her ongoing deception, and was able to forgive her.

And if he was willing to keep her identity a secret to protect her father’s name and keep her safe from the clutches of Lord Copeland and the authorities.

And if he was willing to forgo marriage indefinitely, as she still couldn’t imagine being party to a horrid deception perpetuated against his legitimate wife. Nor did she believe she could ever bring herself to
share
him with another.

And if he didn’t decide to “throw himself on his sword”, so to speak, give up
everything
and be forced to flee abroad.

Then maybe they could stay together.

It was hardly surprising her eyes were filled with tears when Nathaniel awoke. Lisa had wanted to beg him to never let her go when it was she who must find a way to leave him, a way he would allow.

With the morning gone by the time she had luxuriated in a bath and dressed for the day, Lisa awaited Nathaniel’s arrival. He was taking her for a picnic luncheon.

“Somewhere special,” he had said before departing that morning. “A place I enjoyed as a child and want to show you before we leave Worthington.”
 

To her relief, he had completed the projects he’d promised to oversee for his father and had begun making plans for their journey to Marsden Park and then on to London.
 

When Nathaniel escorted her outside, they were greeted by a lovely spring afternoon and a horse and buggy.

“All set?” he asked once they were both seated.
 

She nodded and they departed on their jaunt, the dappled grey gelding settling into a comfortable trot.

Breathing deep of the country air Lisa, once again, put her cares aside. The previous night had been extraordinary, and she knew she would relive the moments she had spent with Nathaniel many times in the days, months, and years to come. The afternoon had the same feel about it, a treasured memory in the making.

Nathaniel kept the horse to a steady trot, winding their way along tree-shaded lanes. Half an hour into their journey, they came upon a clearing by the river upstream from the Worthington Lake. A bend in the river had formed a rocky pool which was overhung by the branches of an enormous weeping willow.

“How lovely.” Lisa smiled.

“I had a feeling you’d like this place.”

Leaving him to unhitch the horse and attach the hobbles that would keep it from wandering, she carried the picnic blanket to the riverbank. After spreading the blanket on the soft grass, Lisa discarded her bonnet and removed the pins holding up her hair, deciding that the risk of a few freckles was entirely warranted. While it was unsettling not to know where she fit in the scheme of things, there were times when the freedom to ignore society’s restrictions was quite exhilarating.

Nathaniel placed the heavily laden picnic basket down on the blanket, and they set off, hand in hand, to explore the fairy-tale setting.

“I used to love coming here as a boy. Michael and I would spend hours fishing in the little stream, not very successfully, mind you. That’s when we weren’t climbing trees or attempting to knock squirrels down from the branches with the slingshots we’d made.”

“That’s an awful thing to do.” Lisa laughed, remembering the sons of her father’s staff back in Henbury behaving in a similar manner. It seemed boys would be boys, regardless of their station. “I’m surprised you were allowed so much freedom.”
 

Nathaniel shrugged his broad shoulders. “Father may have been absent more often than not, but he made sure we had excellent tutors who believed a boy’s education could not be solely found in books and the schoolroom.”

“And what of your sister, Lady Rebecca?” Lisa was curious to hear if her upbringing was in any way similar to that of a duke’s daughter. “Did she also experience the same freedom, or were you and Lord Cahill too old to be bothered by a pesky girl?”

Nathaniel’s smile faded, and she wondered if she had hit upon a sore spot.

“I’d like to think I would have welcomed her, despite the age gap, but our mother controlled Rebecca’s education. She was restricted to only those pursuits considered acceptable for the training of an exemplary young lady.”

“Pity,” Lisa murmured. “This is such a magical place. I can’t imagine anyone not loving it, especially a child.”

“Rebecca enjoys it now.”
 

Nathaniel helped her cross a pebbled stream to explore the shaded bank on the other side.
 

“She was fourteen when Mother died, young enough to still be up for a lark when I came down from university during the summers. She’s a much better angler than I and has actually been known to catch our lunch, something I can’t say Michael or I ever achieved in all our years of trying. She fished further on where the stream joins the river and runs a little deeper, whereas we boys never had the patience—or the
wisdom
—to find the perfect spot.”

“She sounds wonderful.”
 

“She is. The two of you would get along famously,” he said, then looked at her askance.

“I’m sure we would have,” Lisa murmured after which they remained silent for a while.

Once they had taken their places on the picnic blanket, Lisa served the sumptuous bounty the cooks had provided for their luncheon.

“I can’t believe how many different types of flowers grow here in this one location,” she said.

“That’s actually my doing.” Nathaniel ran his hand across the back of his neck, and she cocked her head.
 

“From the time I was old enough to start badgering the head gardener, I convinced him to order in wildflowers from the catalogues I pored over whenever I got the chance. There are blooms here from all around the country, as we trialled anything with even a vague chance of surviving. I’ve recreated the same setting near Marsden Park. You’re not the only one who likes ‘flowers in general’, though I have a marked preference for the less cultivated varieties.”
 

“You’ve created something very special. It’s a veritable wonderland, and a perfect location for children to explore and learn to appreciate the countryside, so long as they’re not allowed to torment the local wildlife with slingshots!”

“Oh, come now.” Nathaniel tugged her down beside him on the blanket and leaned over her. “Can’t you just see a little boy of ours playing by the stream catching tadpoles with which to taunt his sister when they grow into frogs? Or a little girl, all big green eyes and gorgeous red hair like her mother, making necklaces out of daisies? You and I could lounge nearby, me reading French poetry or some nonsense while you read or sketch the bucolic scene.”

Lisa’s smile faded, and she sat up, fussing over packing up their luncheon. The problem was she
could
see it all too clearly, the little boy, a miniature of Nathaniel right down to his dark locks and sapphire blue eyes, the little girl, smiling at her father, the look of adoration in her eyes mirroring the expression on her mother’s face.

“Lisa?” Nathaniel stilled her hands. “We’ll have a good life together, you, me, our children. I promise.”

One of her eyebrows arched of its own accord, and she found herself wondering if all men were as obtuse.

“Of course we will,” she said, not wanting to spoil the afternoon. But then she realised this was the opportunity she had been looking for.
 

“Doesn’t it bother you?” She looked him in the eye. “Loving me and yet knowing you must marry someone else one day, a
suitable
lady who will provide you with an heir?”

“It’s my duty.”

“But you’re talking about
lying
with another woman, Nathaniel, having a child with her . . . a
child
. Will you love it the way you would love our children?”

“Of course.” He sounded affronted.

“But you have no intention of loving your wife.”
 

“Well, no.” He frowned. “I’ve explained this before, Lisa. A man of my station marries for duty not for love. Besides, I’m already
in
love with you.”

“So you’re going to promise—before God and man—to love and be faithful to your wife without any intention whatsoever of keeping your vows?”
 

“Well, yes.” He shrugged. “I thought you understood how these things work?”

“I’m coming to understand how society works all too well, but that does not mean I find it agreeable
or
the least bit honourable.”

“You think it would be more honourable if I brought shame on my family’s name by marrying a commoner?”
 

“Of course not. Everybody knows entering into a contractual agreement with one of your own class based on expediency and lies is preferable to an honest relationship with a person who is unworthy by virtue of her lowly birth.”

Nathaniel jerked back as if slapped, yet Lisa considered her words nothing but the truth. Now she had finally put voice to her opinions, the anger she felt over the hopelessness of the situation broke free. Leaping to her feet, she stalked away. The frustrating thing was she could not accept a proposal from him in the unlikely event it was offered. The degree of dishonour it would bring upon both their names and families, not to mention all that would be lost and all that was at stake, made it impossible for them to be together in any respectable way. Her mind understood the logic and reasoning, but that did not stop the pain from overwhelming her heart.

Thankfully, Nathaniel gave her a few moments to calm down before coming to stand beside her. Reaching to clasp her hand, he squeezed it gently.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

She did not push him to explain what he was apologising for but murmured, “As am I.”
 

It was a quiet drive back to the Hall, the tension between them palpable. They were almost home when Nathaniel pulled the horse to a halt and turned to face her.

“You do know I would give you everything if it were in my power to do so?” His blue eyes burned with sincerity. “I
love
you, Lisa.”

“I love you, too, but some things are outside our power. Some things not even love can overcome.”

He stared at her for a long moment.

“Why do I get the feeling I’m going to lose you one day?”
 

Not knowing how to reply, she remained silent.

“Just promise me one thing. Don’t leave without telling me you’re going, without giving me a chance to try to make things right between us or at least to make sure you’ll be safe, whatever you decide.”

A sob caught in her throat, and she nodded jerkily. It was the concession she had been hoping for, but it broke her heart to hear him offer it.

They drove on, approaching Worthington Hall from the rear. Rounding one of the corner towers, they saw a commotion occurring near the main entrance. Several large carriages were parked in the circular driveway, and servants scurried to and fro bearing bags and trunks inside.