Inside Danger (Outside The Ropes Book 2) (17 page)

I moved my hands between us, gripping the firm fabric of his jacket, unsure if I meant to push him away or pull him closer.

A knock at his door made him release my ear and I dropped my hands.

“Another time then,” he whispered as he unwound his hand from my hair and let me go.

He unlocked the door and opened it. “What is it?” he snapped.

Gage stood in the doorway. He glanced in at me before focusing on Rusnak. “The ones from last night are back, and Silas is here for Regan.”

Rusnak took a deep breath and buttoned the coat to his suit. “Tell Boris to take her home when she’s done talking to Silas,” he ordered and walked out of the room, leaving me alone with a pissed off Gage.

I picked up my bag and walked to the door. Gage stepped back to let me pass but his eyes followed me the entire time.

“Back to Nick’s office,” he said as I walked down the hallway.

The knots in my stomach eased some as I stepped into the room with Silas and Nick, Gage right behind me. At least the night would soon be over.

Silas was the only one to speak and his information was brief. I would fight a girl named Brandi Glenn. This fight would have eight rounds, but they wanted me to end it in the fourth. With his trademark smile and confidence, he told me he trusted I could do it.

They were just as eager for me to leave as I was, and before I knew it Gage was walking me out the back.

“Where’s Boris?” I asked as I stepped into the cool night air.

Gage walked past me, his SUV lights flashing as he unlocked it. “I’m going to take you back. Get in.”

I almost thought about fighting about it, but I wanted to hear what he had to say, see what he would do. But mostly, I wanted to push all his buttons, make him react like I had made Rusnak, make him admit where he stood in all this.

I SHUT THE CAR DOOR JUST AS the back door to the club opened.

“Where ya going?” Nick stood in the open door way.

“I’m taking her back.” Gage didn’t stop his path to the driver’s side of the SUV as he responded.

“Ya sure ya should be doing that, kid?” Nick lit a cigarette, the flame glowing in front of his face.

Gage paused in front of the driver’s door. Then he took a step towards his uncle. “Yeah, I’m sure. Now go worry about your own fuckin’ business, old man.”

His eyes narrowed, but a smile spread across his face. “Oh, you’re in a right mood tonight.” His voice dropped some as he added, “Just get your ass back here before time and ya won’t have nothing to worry ‘bout, not from me. After all, this ain’t my business, right?” As he gestured to the car, his eyes met mine and I wanted to punch the smug, knowing look off his face.

He didn’t know what was going to happen with Gage and me; he only thought he did.

I looked out my side window, breaking the stare down as Gage slid into the driver’s seat.

Anger rolled off Gage in waves, hitting me with every movement he made, from snapping his seat belt to throwing the SUV in reverse.

I waited till we were on the main road and the muscles in his neck eased before I spoke.

“Look at you, talking back, ignoring orders.” I smirked as I saw his muscles strain again. My flippant comment hit its mark. “Don’t worry, I know you wouldn’t go against any serious orders. You’re a good soldier.”

“Shut up.” He stretched his fingers and re-gripped the steering wheel, focus maintained on the road. “You said you’d do whatever you have to, well so will I. Except I’m not fucking someone to get where I want.”

His words stabbed me, right in the gut. But I rebounded with anger. “No? So where do you draw the line? Snorting coke off a stripper?” My voice came out just as loud as his. I was supposed to be the one pushing him, not the one reacting. I took a deep breath trying to pull back the emotions he pulled out of me.

His head jerked to look at me. “What?” He divided his gaze from the road to me, voice at a lower level when he spoke. “I am always thinking of you. Nobody else. Everything I’ve done, you’re the reason.” His voice thickened with emotion, coming out gravelly. “But you’re throwing it all away, making everything I did pointless.”

I had wanted him to be mad, but right now my heart was breaking. The chaotic rush of emotions he caused clouded everything. I couldn’t think through them and I couldn’t decide what I wanted. To ease his hurt, or to increase it?

“I can’t do this with you.” I decided on the truth and whatever that may result in. “This blaming thing. I can’t. We both are doing things for ourselves, you just won’t admit it, but you and I both know that’s the truth.”

He slowed at a yellow light even though he could have made it through. Once stopped, he leaned in towards me and gripped my chin, making me face him. “He doesn’t care about you, he won’t help you. Sleeping with him won’t do anything for you, it’s only making things worse.”

I jerked back, slapping his hand away. “Do you think I’m stupid? I know he doesn’t care. I know I’m only part of some sick fantasy he has about my—” I cut myself off, unable to speak of her. Although, I wanted to. I didn’t want it to be a secret between Rusnak and me only. “But you’re wrong, he can help me. He already has. He’s moved up—”

“What fantasy?” His voice was icy as he interrupted.

I took a deep breath. Part of me wanted to tell him everything, he was the only person I had to talk to about all this. But a part of me wanted to completely shut him out, he was the person I was most scared of hurting and not knowing his motives frightened me.

“He knew the woman who gave birth to me.” The words were acidic, burning my throat.

His eyes widened and mouth parted, but no words came out. I nodded to the light, it had turned green.

“What the hell does that mean?” he breathed, almost to himself, as he accelerated.

“I don’t know. I really don’t. He liked her, but I think he hated her too. And I don’t know what that means for me. I don’t know anything that’s going on.” Once the words started, I couldn’t stop. “I don’t even know what I’m doing. I had wanted out. That’s all I can think of is getting away, but then what? What the hell do I have left? How am I going to live with everything I’ve done, with everything I’m going to have to do?” My throat closed up with emotion, silencing my voice. I turned to look out the passenger side window, hiding the tears that started.

Get it together. Pull it back in. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I wasn’t the one that was supposed to be spilling.

Gages warm hand slipped over my arm, sliding to my hand. “What have you done?” he coaxed.

When I turned back to face him, my anger rose. Concern was clear on his face, but he was only worried about what I’d done with Rusnak. He wasn’t thinking about the larger picture.

“I’ve killed someone.” I pulled my hand from his as I shouted, wanting to shake him. “I’m responsible for other deaths too, indirectly. But I actually killed a man.” I couldn’t shake the image of me jerking the wheel into the man on the motorcycle from my mind, but Nan and Demetri’s face was there too.

“And what’s worse is I don’t even care. I don’t think about it except to wonder if I’ll be caught, if I’ll go to jail, ‘cause I should. And I still want others to die.” Damien’s face burned in my brain. “What does that make me? It was never supposed to be like this. I wasn’t supposed to be like this.”

“You’re only doing what you have to. People change, adapt to their environment.” His sympathy took me off guard.

I watched him. His throat moved as he swallowed and he kept glancing over to me as he merged onto the highway from the ramp. I wasn’t the only one adapting to my environment, changing.

“Obviously. Some are just better at it.” I looked at him pointedly, wanting to get back on track. This car ride wasn’t supposed to be about me. I felt bipolar the way my emotions jerked from one to the next.

His eyes flashed back to me, eyebrows narrowing. “So what? You’re mad at me for not losing my shit? You want me to not do well in this? You want me to get myself fucking killed?”

My vision blurred as his words hit home. What did I want from him? I couldn’t answer that. Like everything else with him my answer was divided. I wanted more, I wanted all of him. But I also wanted nothing, which was the safest path for both of us. It should be the easiest way, but that step felt near impossible.

We both sat in silence for a while, giving me time to put my thoughts in some sort of order. This was not a conversation to have while he drove. It was probably a conversation best not had at all.

As we hit the exit into DC, Gage broke the silence. “It’s easier for me because I grew up in this. I was already part of this before I met you, so it was easy to slide back into it. You were never meant to be involved. I’m sorry. I should have never told you I was done with this life when we first met. I know now that was never true. You can never leave it behind.”

There was an apology in his words, but not for the right thing.

“It’s not your fault I’m involved. I did this on my own.” My voice was as empty as I felt. This was just another dead end.

“Then why are you so mad at me? Why won’t you let me in? Why are you turning to him?” His desperation was growing as his voice rose.

A current of shock shot through me. “Turn to him? I’m being jerked everywhere. I’m not really getting a choice in who I’m around.”

“You can say no.”

“Do you say no?” I cut myself off. This circular conversation was getting us nowhere. “Just stop. Stop expecting so much of me when you don’t step up either. This is what I was talking about. We can’t keep going like this. We each have to do things for ourselves, and it’s better if we don’t have to worry about the other. So just stop.” I closed my eyes and leaned against the cool glass window.

The sounds of the city filled my head, blocking out his audible breathing. I couldn’t allow myself to focus on him. This entire ride had crushed me, removed my fight. I’d lost. But I knew what I said was true as much as I wish it wasn’t.

He pulled up to the curb of my apartment building but grabbed my arm as I went to open the door.

“Wait,” his voice cracked. “I know you don’t believe me, but don’t give up on me yet. I have to go away this week, but when I come back things will change. Just wait a little longer.”

He was ripping me apart. Concern pulled at me, concern about what he was doing, where he was going. And my weak heart held hope that things might change for us, but my brain reminded me that he had said that several times. He was always telling me to wait, but for what? And every change just seemed to be worse than before.

I swept my head towards him. “It’s too late. I already gave up on you.” I tried to pull my hand away, but he didn’t let me.

“No,” his response was desperate and suddenly his other hand was behind my head, holding me in place as his lips dominated mine, trying to silence my words, erase them.

But I felt dirty as I recalled Rusnak’s hands in my hair, holding me in a similar position, except his lips were on my ear. As much as I wanted to let go with Gage, I couldn’t. His words were always convincing, but empty, and I couldn’t fall for it this time.

I shoved him off me and quickly looked away. The pain on his pinched face made me doubt everything I was doing. Sliding out of the car, I gripped my bag in my arms and found the strength to walk away. I had to keep moving forward.

“Nice shoes,” a familiar voice called as long arms wrapped around my shoulders, pulling me into a hug from behind.

I spun around. “Dex what are you doing? I thought spring break was over?”

He shrugged. “I don’t have class for a couple of hours, figured I could help you with the next fight.”

I crossed my arms, leaning away from him.

He rolled his eyes and gave an exaggerated sigh. “Come on Rea, stop questioning everything. I like training with you.”

I narrowed my eyes a little bit more and he huffed. “And Gage may have told me to check in on you while he’s gone.”

My jaw dropped. “Seriously? Where did he go?” I couldn’t hold in the question.

Dexter’s eyes shifted with nerves as he shrugged. “I think Florida. He left Saturday and should be back on Thursday, but he wouldn’t tell me much. Just told me to check on you but I wanted to anyways. I like training with you, just wish it was still in Baltimore.” He looked repulsed as he glanced around the bright gym, packed with toned bodies. He shuddered as he saw the kickboxing class in progress in the back and I laughed.

Rusnak must be with Gage. Kiera had said he went out of town on Saturday, and that news seemed to lighten the tension between us.

Dexter side glanced at me with a crooked grin. “I really like the black Nikes and this outfit. You get new training gloves too?” He knocked my gloved hands with his own.

I had to fill my time, sitting around the apartment wasn’t an option. I used some of the money I made and bought new workout gear. I had to stay focused and any bit of confidence helped.

“Yup, let’s get started. I looked into the girl I’m fighting and she’s no joke. Much more experienced than me.” I had to train through my nerves.

“Rea, she’s the one that should be worried, not you. Let’s do this,” Dex said, building my confidence with his easy smile.

Walking into the apartment, I started to peel my sweaty clothes off of me, starting with my shoes and socks. I walked into my room and tossed my bag down as I slid my long sleeve shirt over my head, heading to the shower.

A throat clearing behind me froze me in my path. I spun around, thankful that I hadn’t started taking off my tank top yet.

Rusnak leaned on the open door, smirk pulling his lips. “Don’t let me stop you. Continue.”

“I didn’t know you were here. I thought you were out of town.” I had already taken a step back when I first saw him, but I stopped myself from retreating further. My mind caught up with the moment. “Is Kiera here?” I usually didn’t see her until the evenings.

“I didn’t come to see her.” He closed the door as he stepped into the room. His eyes brightened and smile stretched with each step he took towards me.