Inside Danger (Outside The Ropes Book 2) (33 page)

He shook his head, staring straight ahead, out the front windshield. “There are other things. Some deals I have to take over, some runs I have to set up.” He squinted at me out of the corner of his eyes. “That’s the stuff I really can’t talk about. It’s better for you not to know.”

I rubbed my palms over my sweat pants. “And Nick’s just letting me walk away?”

“I had to promise you wouldn’t talk. But yeah, he didn’t really want to deal with you.”

A dry laugh bubbled up. I could believe that. “So they traded me like property? Does that mean I have to stay with you?”

“No.” He moved his hand over mine, on my knee. “I bought the assurance that they wouldn’t come after you, nothing else. You can do what you want.”

I wasn’t convinced but decided to move on. “What about you? After you finish these jobs, you’ll be out too?”

When he swept his eyes to meet mine, I could already see the answer in them. “No. I told you before. This is who I am now. This is my life now.”

I tried to take my hand away from his, but he held onto it. He used his other hand to pull me to face him, his eyes begging me. “I have no right to ask you to be with me after everything that’s happened. But I want you to.”

My heart ached as realization hit. Gage was the black hole. I had been circling it since I met him, running around the edge, slipping in, and clawing the sides to get out. But now, he was asking me to fall into the darkness willingly, knowing what monsters lived there. And a part of me was willing to, if it was the only way to be near him. But a hissing whisper at the back of my mind reminded me that it wouldn’t stay like this. Gage would leave, and I would be stuck.

DEXTER WALKED INTO THE KITCHEN WITH A Pampers box under one arm. He smiled and set the box down on the table in front of me.

“This is stuff you left at the house, there’s some clothes in here.”

“A diaper box already?” I asked him. I knew he was going to be a dad, but seeing the reality of it in front of me felt surreal.

He smiled shy, so very unlike him. “Yeah, we’re already setting up a baby room in our new place. Got tons of these boxes in all different sizes. Great for packing.” He nudged the sturdy box. “They’ve got a new roommate in your old room, but Leona’s moving out at the end of the month if you wanted to move back.”

Gage straightened next to me, glaring at his brother while he chewed a bite of food.

I hadn’t answered Gage in the car the other day. I couldn’t make any promises, still unable to think beyond the moment, and I couldn’t make decisions when I didn’t have any options. I needed to build myself back up and get things together before deciding if I would stay with him.

But what I did know was I would not go back to living with those girls. I couldn’t bring them into anything, and I didn’t trust I was really out.

“No, that’s okay.” I dropped my eyes to my plate and stabbed a scallop with my fork. “Thanks for the offer though.”

Gage’s hand gripped my thigh under the table and then fell away as he stood, picking up his empty plate. Leaning down, he kissed the top of my head as he walked by to the sink.

Warmth radiated from the spot he kissed, but guilt chilled the rest of me. I hope he didn’t think that meant I was agreeing to stay here, with him, for good.

Since we arrived yesterday, we both stayed in the house, not leaving anywhere, but not talking much either. We spent most of the day watching a marathon of movies in bed with breaks for food. Good food that Gage cooked. He would disappear sometimes and panic and paranoia would kick up, making me wonder what he was doing or who he was talking to, but he never stayed away long.

I knew this pattern in myself, something bad happens, I melt down, take a day to recover, and then I’m back out. Except, it had never been to this level. I wasn’t sure I would ever recover and that scared me the most. I would never be the girl he fell in love with again, and I think he knew it. He had been giving me the little kisses and touches, like he just did, but nothing more.

“There weren’t many clothes left at the house, we could go shopping. You know I’m always down for a mall trip.”

Except, I had no money. I had nothing except whatever was in that small box Dexter brought. The stuff I hadn’t packed when I left, the leftovers. Rusnak had everything else; it was as good as gone.

“Maybe you two could go tomorrow,” Gage added as he loaded the dishwasher.

The idea gave me chills. I wasn’t ready to leave the house, not yet, and I didn’t think I would be ready tomorrow.

“You’re going to be here all day tomorrow right?” Gage shot a look at his brother. “I have to go out, remember?” he was speaking carefully.

I could tell they had discussed this before and I could also tell it was me he was concerned about. Dexter was supposed to be my babysitter and that made me feel even more broken. Not even capable of being on my own. But it was the truth. Thinking of Gage leaving tomorrow was sending me into a panic, it whirled around the edges of my mind, closing in.

“Sure.” Dexter plopped into the chair across from me, picking a scallop off of my plate with his fingers. “Where do you want to go shopping at?”

I tried to focus on Dexter, but I was barely hearing him. I shook my head to shake off the feeling. “I can’t go. I don’t have money.” The whirlwind of panic was picking up speed.

“Don’t worry. I’ve got it.” Gage sat back down next to me, hand gripping and stilling my bouncing knee.

“Plus, you should still be getting money from your fight, right? Or do you not get paid if you’re disqualified?” Dexter’s brows scrunched as he questioned.

Gage shot daggers at his brother with his eyes. “It doesn’t matter. I said, I’ll cover it. Get whatever you want.” His grip on my knee tightened.

I popped up to standing and walked out of the room. I needed to get away from their concern and offers. I needed to stop the tornado of thoughts that were wrecking my brain even further. And I was thankful neither of them followed me to the bedroom. I needed the time alone. Curling up in the bed with one of Gage’s too large shirts on, I tried to quiet the storm in me, minimize the path of destruction. Even though I was certain there was nothing left to protect.

Sometime later, Gage quietly entered the room, removing his clothes. I stayed curled on my side of the bed as the mattress dipped, giving way to his weight.

I kept my eyes closed as he scooted behind me, then his arm slipped around my waist and pulled me into his chest. A feeling of complete safety seeped into me, warming me from the outside in. And I hated that I needed him for that, but that was the fact I couldn’t deny.

I turned in his arms, wanting more, wanting him. Needing him to make me feel more, to bring me back.

My head rested on the crook of his shoulder, both of his arms around me now. I trailed my hands along his torso, following the lines of his muscles, feeling them clench and his skin goose bump as the tips of my fingers glided over him.

One of his hands played with the ends of my hair, tickling my scalp, and the other was rubbing up and down the length of my spine, over my shirt still, but with enough pressure to keep me pressed to him.

I let my fingers trail down his stomach and ran them along the elastic of his boxers. I knew he wanted me, I could feel him growing against me, his body flush with mine.

“Regan?” He leaned back slightly, hand over mine, but not pulling it away.

My heart broke all the same and I tried to roll away, but he locked his hold on me, not letting me.

“Hey, don’t.” He dropped my hand so he could get a tighter grip on me.

I struggled in his grasp for a moment and then gave up, frustrated and embarrassed. “What is it you want then?”

“I don’t want you like this.”

I turned my head, unable to look at him. I wish he wasn’t looking at me either.

“No, look at me.” He pulled me in tighter, but I moved my hands to his chest to keep space between us. “I meant, I want you, but I want it to be different. I want to know it’s real.”

His fingers tangled into my hair and he guided my head back so our eyes met. “I want more than just your body. I want your heart, your soul.” His eyes were reaching into me and I’d let them take the things he wanted. “You already have mine.”

His face blurred and my eyes burned with tears. I had no defenses left and I nodded my head, unable to find a voice.

He sucked air between his teeth. “Are you sure? Babe, I don’t know if you can make this decision yet.” His hands were back to stroking the length of my back, from my neck to the curve of my hip.

“I know I need you,” I admitted in a breathy whisper.

His hands felt great; I focused on the feel of them running over my body and tried to ignore the prickle of anxiety under the skin.

He was still hesitant, I could feel it in his movements, see it in the way his eyes darted over me. He sunk down, moving his head to be parallel with mine, our noses almost touching as his hands moved to cup my face. “I don’t want you to choose this because you think you need me, that will change. I want you to love me.” His fingers slid down my neck and then shoulders, over a spot that caused me to cringe with memory. “I know you chose others because you needed them. And I don’t want this to be the same. I want more.”

I had to close my eyes against his gaze and the truthful accusation in his soft words. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” There was no point in telling him that I didn’t have sex with Rusnak, because I would have, and that was just as bad. I opened my eyes, trying to make him understand, believe. “This is different. I feel different about you. I know I shouldn’t be in any relationships right now. My therapists all told me that when I was younger, I can only imagine what they would say now.” I tried to smile through the tears, but it wasn’t funny, not really. “I don’t think I have anything left in me to give. I have nothing to offer but broken pieces. It’s yours though.” I moved my hand to his cheek, feeling the rough growth of hair there. “And I think you’re the only one that I trust to help put them back together. You’re the only one who can understand.” This was me being as open as I could, spilling what was left of my soul for him and I hope he realized it really was all I could offer.

He trailed light kisses over my face, speaking in-between, “Babe… I will cherish…and protect… whatever you give me… You’re everything to me… you’re stronger than you know… I love you.” Then his lips covered mine, and I was able to breathe.

His slow movements were torment and pleasure. Hands rubbed over all of me, absorbing every curve and his lips followed. His body was just as open to me and I re-familiarized myself with it, taking more time than we’d been afforded since the start of our relationship. I found new scars on his skin, reminding me that I wasn’t the only one who had changed. But I blocked the bad thoughts from seeping into our moment. I needed this, more than I needed my next breath. He was the only reason I could breathe.

As he filled me, deliciously moving slow circles with his hips, I let myself give up all thought. There was only him, only me, only us. Our bodies perfectly fit, perfectly moved, pleasure and pain mixing in an intoxicating way that felt like perfection. He brought me to the point of climax and pushed me over and over. Then his movements lost control, becoming faster, harder, reckless. He handed control over to me as he pulled me on top of him and I rode him with the same intense pace he had started, feeling the power in bringing him to his own edge, making him lose control until he busted. He pulled me to him with hands on my bare back and our lips met as we panted into each other, sharing in ecstasy.

I slept better that night than I had in months, wrapped in the security of Gage.

It felt good to work out again. I wasn’t training, I wasn’t ready for that, but lifting weights helped me to feel stronger, putting a little bit of me back in place.

Setting down the hand weights on the rack, I saw Gage approaching in the mirror. His arms circled around me from behind, his lips pressed to the back of my ear, over my tattoo.

“Have a good workout?” His sultry voice sparked a flame low in my stomach.

I nodded and leaned back into him, my hands gliding along his arms.

“Try to get free.” His grip tightened on my waist and I froze.

“What?” My heart skipped a little faster, unsure.

He moved one arm higher, re-wrapping it over my upper arms, pinning them to me. “I said,” he breathed into my ear. “Try to get free.” There was no trace of humor in his voice.

“I don’t—” I wasn’t sure what I meant to say. I still felt safe in his arms, even pinned to him, but I wasn’t sure I liked this.

“I want you to be safe. I want you to know how to protect yourself. If you’re not ready for this, that’s all right. But I want to teach you.”

I nodded, blowing out air, trying to calm myself. I could do this. It was just us, just practice, just a workout.

I tried to twist in his arms, but his grip only tightened.

“You’re giving me an advantage by moving, letting me get a better hold.”

I paused, thinking. I knew this. I just had to remember. I moved my foot, pressing lightly on his.

He laughed in my ear. “What’s that going to do?”

“I would do it harder, I just don’t want to hurt you.”

His chest vibrated behind me. “You wont hurt me. I want to see what you’ve got.”

I brought both my feet up, throwing my weight back on him and slammed them down, still too cautious about hurting him. But I had taken him off guard and put him slightly off balance by my quick motion, earning myself a little room to move in his arms. I twisted and he released me, backing up.

“All right, all right.” He put his hands up in surrender. “That was a good start.” His eyes were lit bright with excitement and his genuine smile encouraged me.

“All right, lets try again. You know to go for vulnerable spots, like feet and groin, but the bottom of the ribs is another one. If you can manage to grab them and pull, you can get free.” He hesitated before putting his arms around me again. “Just don’t really do it, all right?”