Inside Danger (Outside The Ropes Book 2) (34 page)

We practiced a few holds, ending up on the ground as I tried to wrestle free. We both lay back on the mat, exhausted from fighting. But it felt good. And I knew from our last position, when he’d been pressed against me, that it felt good for him too.

“You’re a quick learner. I might have to stop taking it easy on you tomorrow.” He turned his head to me, with a teasing grin.

“Oh?” I felt bold and confident in this moment. Swinging my leg over to straddle him, I gripped his forearms beside his head. “Maybe I’ve been taking it easy on you.” I rolled my hip on him, his hardness stroking between my legs. I moved my lips to his ear as he groaned, sending an electric current through my veins. “Try to get free,” I whispered, sucking his ear into my mouth.

“No fucking way. You’ve got me trapped babe, what are you going to do?”

I silenced him by capturing his lips in mine and hungrily moved against him. His hardness grew beneath me, warming and teasing, desire increasing. Another part of me fell back in place as I slinked down his body, drinking in the power he gave me. The power to make him react, to make him shake, to make him weak beneath me.

I paused at the bottom of the steps as Dexter and Gage’s voice reached me. At first, a crazed relief flooded me to hear Gage. When he left today, all of that confidence he built in me disappeared like the illusion it was. And I was glad he was back. But his tone wasn’t happy and they were arguing about me. I stayed out of sight, listening.

“—barely lasted twenty minutes in the store,” Dexter’s voice was strained.

He was talking about our shopping trip. I had tried, but wasn’t ready to be in public, paranoia creeping into every movement and thought.

“What exactly happened?” Gage’s voice was grave.

“Nothing really, but she wasn’t her. She just looked so…I don’t know. She barely looked at the clothes, just kept watching everyone in the store. She was freaked out, but trying not to show it. So I didn’t make her stay when she said she was tired. She’s been upstairs sleeping since we got back—Wait,” Dexter called.

Gage’s heavy stride stopped.

“She needs more help than you can give her, man.”

Gage walked back into the kitchen. “It’s only been a few days, she just needs time. It’ll get better. Look at Leona—”

“Leona was a wreck and that was only one night of bad memories. She still has issues and she does see a therapist.” There was a pause and then some movement. “Has she talked to you about what happened at least? Do you even know what you’re dealing with?” He sighed. “Jesus man, she hasn’t has she?”

“We’ve been working out our shit first, I’m gonna get her—”

“Your shit? You two can’t have anything if she doesn’t talk. Gage, I don’t think she should stay in the city. She needs—”

“She needs me.” His voice roared, interrupting Dexter. “It’s only been a few days. Do you think I don’t care? I’m doing what’s best for her.”

“And what about next week when you leave?” Dexter softly warned. “You think she’s going to be better by then? That she’s going to be all right with you leaving for days? I won’t be able to stay around twenty four-seven, I have class. The fact that you want someone around her all the time should show you how bad this is.”

My world tilted. He was leaving next week? But he hadn’t told me that. And Dexter’s words rung true. The fact that I was so shook up by him leaving proved how messed up this all was, how messed up I was. I was fooling myself to think being with Gage would be enough. Not when I couldn’t even step out of the house.

But I couldn’t think too far, not with the weight of Gage leaving pressing on my lungs, taking away my air. I walked to the kitchen, getting no relief from being near him now. “Where are you going?”

Gage’s eyes lit on me as I spoke, then crossed to Dexter, drilling into him for a moment. But he let his anger go as he stepped towards me. “I have to go next week, but only for a few days then I’ll be back.”

I stepped back as he got closer. “Can I come?” Somewhere I recognized how desperate that sounded, but I didn’t care.

His face melted slightly as he reached for me. “Regan, you can’t come. It’s not—” He stopped as I pulled away again. “Let’s talk about this, all right?” He grabbed for my arm again. “Let’s go upstairs and talk.”

I hated the rollercoaster of emotions in me. I hated that I was already near tears. This was not me. This was not who I was supposed to be. I wasn’t the girl that needed a guy for all her strength. And being near him only made it harder to find her.

“That’s okay. There’s nothing to talk about. I’m going to be moving anyways.”

He turned sharply, eyes piercing into me. “What?”

“I’m going to move out of the city. Out of the state. I don’t think I should tell you where.”

DEXTER GOT UP FROM THE STOOL AND walked out of the kitchen. He squeezed my shoulder as he passed but didn’t look at me.

I had Gage’s full attention, and the look on his face made me want to pull back the words I just spoke. Except I knew I couldn’t and I knew I shouldn’t.

“When? Have you set this up already?” He was on the edge, voice carefully blank of emotion.

I shook my head. It had been a thought, a possibility in the back of my mind, but I hadn’t really considered it till now—now that my emotions crowded out every other option.

He let out a stream of air between his lips and took a step closer, hands grabbing my elbows. “Then you’re not doing it. I’ll think of something else, another plan.” He was trying to convince himself.

I pulled back from him. “You’ll think of… No, this is my life. I make the plans and I made this one.”

“What happened to doing shit together? You agreed last night and now you’re leaving? And why wouldn’t you be able to tell me where?”

“You were planning to leave this entire time and you never told me.” My voice was rising, anger covering the ache in my heart.

He stepped back, hand running over his hair, voice rising with mine. “So you’re fucking moving away? You find out I’m leaving for two days and decide to move away?” His hands spread out in front of him. “Do you not hear how crazy that sounds?”

I took all of a second to think about it. “Yes. I do. And that’s exactly why I need to do it. I am going crazy here. You are making me crazy. This city is making me crazy. And I can’t take it. I can’t.” I couldn’t hold on to the anger, it was slipping through the cracks in me, consumed by my fear. I truly was losing my mind.

His arms wrapped around me and I struggled against them for a moment, but he only held tighter.

“Don’t decide this right now. You said last night that you trusted me to help you. Trust me. Let me help. Don’t run away.” His voice sounded as desperate as I felt. “Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on. Tell me how you feel.” He pulled back, meeting my eyes. “But don’t shut me out.”

“I don’t know how I feel. This morning I felt… all right, like things could get better. Then I went out and…” I shook my head, dropping my eyes down between us. “I was scared.” I closed my eyes, voice barely a whisper. “And now, I’m terrified of you leaving. I’ve never felt so weak, so out of control.”

He pulled me back in again, hands rubbing up and down my back. “But you feel better when I’m around? I make you feel better?”

He did, I was already beginning to relax in his arms. But my emotions were too wrapped up in him, so I pushed away, separating us. “I need to feel safe on my own. I can’t rely on you.”

His frustration was rising. He ran his hand through his hair, pulling on the ends. “Why not? That’s what relationships are. We’re supposed to rely on each other, be there for each other, make each other stronger. You felt better with me, that’s a good thing. Don’t punish me for that.”

“I’m not punishing you.” This wasn’t about him. But his words were slowly sinking in, confusing my thoughts and making me doubt myself even more.

“Then why would you not tell me where you’d move to? It’s one thing to move from the city, I could help. But why exclude me?” He bent his head down, leaning forward to be on my level. “Do you not fucking trust me?” He sounded so self-righteous, like he had never done anything to make me doubt him.

“I don’t trust the people you’re with. And I don’t trust myself. I need a clean break.”

His face hardened and lines creased around his jaw as he straightened himself up, looking down on me. “From me. Say it. You need a break from me.” Before I could respond, he continued, voice cold and low, “Have you even thought about this? Where are you going to get the money to move?” He shook his head, lips pressed together. “I’m not giving you any. Not if this is what you’re doing.”

My own anger was returning, surging in me. “I didn’t ask for you to. I’ll figure it out on my own.”

“Like you always do?” The fire in his eyes went to a new level as he stepped towards me. “You don’t think. You keep making all these stupid, dangerous choices, and I have to get you out of it. How many times? For what?”

“I never asked you to,” I yelled back at him, heart banging erratically in my chest.

He flinched back, chest rising and falling heavily as he tried to control his temper. He pointed his finger at me, voice rough, “You—” He curled his finger back into his fist and lifted it up as he pressed his lips together. “I’ve got to get out of here.”

Every movement screamed pissed off as he walked out of the kitchen. He turned with his hands raised as he passed by me, making a show of not touching me, before stomping down the hall. The front door opened and slammed close.

I let out the breath I was holding, sitting on a stool at the kitchen counter to recover, to process what was said and what just happened. Gage’s anger still hung in the air around me, making it thick. Slumping, with my head in my hands, I let his word and accusations replay in my mind. Everything he said stung with truth, making me doubt my decisions.

But panic was pressing on me now. He had left, and I was stuck, paralyzed in my fear about where he was, who he was with, and if he would come back. It reminded me why I needed to leave to begin with.

I couldn’t stand the way I was being torn apart. I got up and went to find Dexter’s computer. The first step in deciding would be to research options.

As I walked towards the living room, the front door swung back open, freezing me.

Gage looked up as he walked in, sliding his arms out of his jacket. His eyes met mine, something flashing in them before they hardened again and he walked past me, down the steps to the basement.

He had only been gone for a few minutes, not long enough to go anywhere. My heart pulled from my chest, wanting to follow him down those steps, but that distant look he gave kept me in place. He needed space and so did I. I had enough to think about. But the relief I felt knowing he was in the basement was undeniable.

“How’d you figure out the password?” Dexter came up from the basement with a smile and dirty dinner plate.

I forced a slight smile. “The password hint says, ‘cat’ and your password is Rocky. I thought it was an invitation.”

He put the dish in the sink and sat next to me at the table. “What you looking up?” His eyes scanned the screen and then swiped to me. “So you’re really planning on leaving?”

I pointed to the screen and the grey hound fairs listed on it. “I’m looking at options, But…” I shrugged. “I’m not sure. I can’t afford it anytime soon.” Wrapping one arm around myself, I added, “I was just about to start applying to jobs here again.” It came out calmer than I felt.

“If it’s money, I can lend you some for a ticket.” He twisted the laptop towards him, fingers moving over the keys.

He said it so casually it took a moment to register. I shook my head. “Thanks, but that’s okay.”

A sly smile pulled up his lips, reaching his eyes. “It would only be a loan, you’d have to pay me back. But I mean it Rea, if you think you need to leave, I’ll help.” Swiveling the computer back to me he pointed to the screen. “You should go to Vegas. Airfare and hotel packages are cheap. Lot’s of work options, I even know a few people that work there. And we’ll be out there for Gage’s fight in June.”

I ignored the screen, turning towards him. “So you think I should leave?” He had to have been downstairs with Gage and I wondered what had been said.

“Nuh-uh, you’re not trapping me into that answer.” He scooted back from me with his hands raised. “I didn’t say that. I think, you need to do what you think you need to do.” He squeezed my shoulder. “But I’m here, whatever you decide.”

I nodded, a bubble of sentiment choking me. I stared at the screen, Vegas was a horrible idea.

“A piece of advice though, don’t move and cut everyone off. I can understand getting away, but being alone won’t help. If you stick around, I could give you Leona’s therapist information, she really likes her.”

I was listening until he mentioned therapist. “Do you see a therapist?”

My tone made him hesitant. “No.”

“Does Gage? Does Boris? Does Silas? Does anyone else you know?”

“I know a few people that do and maybe those others should too. But we’re not talking about them, we’re talking about you. We didn’t go through the same things you did.”

I crossed my arms, leaning back in the chair, keeping myself from walking away. “You’re right, you all didn’t. But you went through other things and dealt. I can too.”

He nodded, genuinely acknowledging what I said, and the bit of anger building in me receded.

“Everyone’s different, Rea. Everyone deals differently. But it’s okay to need help. It’s okay to feel however you feel. Don’t force it, this shit takes time” He flashed a grin and then looked down at his phone and back up. “I’ve got to go back to Leona’s, are you all right here? Gage is downstairs, but I’d leave him be for the night.”

My stomach squeezed at his warning, but I nodded, letting him know he could go.

Standing, he tapped the table in front of me. “Another thing, with Gage, I’m not saying you have to stay with him, but if you want to, you have to let him help.”

I focused on the laptop, not seeing anything on the screen and let his words settle.