Jenna's Consent (33 page)

The next morning she felt hungover, even though she never
had any alcohol.

She’d called into Chris and Jared and begged off work for a
few nights. They wanted an explanation and she had none to give.

Loving two men who she could never have was a bit more than
she really wanted to discuss with her bosses, no matter how close they were.

Nick and Ian had both called but she failed to answer, doing
nothing more than silencing the calls. She was going to have to erect some
fairly thick walls around herself before she talked to either of them again.

Cyn and Haleigh and Skye had all called.

She’d put them off too until Wednesday night at CJ’s.
Everything was too jumbled in her head to put into words, so she excused
herself from the phone as quickly as she could. And then just shut it off.

For the longest time she sat in front of her computer with a
cup of tea. She scrolled through her Facebook and Twitter feeds but didn’t
interact at all.

She wondered if looking at other people going about their
morning would help her find her footing but it did nothing but make her feel
more isolated.

After closing the tabs at the top of her internet browser,
she stared at a blank line wondering where she needed to go to find her center
again.

She set her tea down and knew exactly where she wanted to
start.

Aftercare
.

Self-awareness kicked in and she realized she was dropping
from several scenes, if she were being honest with herself.

It didn’t take her but a couple minutes to log into the
admin panel of the blog and bring up a blank post.

The title showed up as “Lost and I Do Not Consent” and she
didn’t remember filling it in.

She closed her eyes and just typed.

The story of how she felt tumbled out of her as if it had
been bottled under pressure for years, ready to explode at any moment. Which
was probably exactly right.

She wrote a story as if it were someone else. That made it
easier to be honest, making it not so personal.

For several hours she wrote. Line after line, shaping the
words into a type of confession she needed to share.

When she was done she refilled her tea cup and reread it one
more time. A few words needed changed and a few thoughts needed to be smoothed
out, but for the most part she was very happy with what she’d written.

She posted it—feeling exhausted again—and then walked away.
It was something she knew she needed to share, especially knowing some of her
close to a thousand followers might learn something from her heartache. What,
she didn’t know, especially since ultimately she didn’t know what she was going
to do.

But she also didn’t want to see comments on it either. Not
while she was so raw, feeling exposed and way too vulnerable for her personal
preference.

She turned all the lights off except for one small lamp on
her nightstand. Facing away from the window she closed her eyes to pretend it
was bedtime. Though it was hours from when she normally went to bed, even on
her off nights, failed to make any difference to her tired brain.

It didn’t take long for her to go to sleep.

When she woke up Oscar was there. He’d crawled into bed with
her and she clutched at him like the lifeline she knew he was.

“Your shirt’s wet.” She brushed another tear from her eye,
wondering how long she’d been crying on him.

“They make dryers for that.” He never even opened his eyes,
just pulled her close and hung on tight.

She needed that.

Him.

A masculine presence who understood loving someone who
wasn’t capable of giving her what she needed. He definitely understood that.

“How do you do it?”

He rubbed her arm. “Do what?”

“Stand to be around him?” His breathing pattern hitched for
a second and then continued, so she knew there was no question of who she spoke
of. “How do you do it and serve him drinks and watch him play and not crawl out
of your skin?”

He thought for a second. “It’s different for me.”

“How is it different? I love Ian and Nick but it’s not
nearly enough. So if I stay, how am I supposed to deal with that? Helping set
up rooms for their girls, watch them…” She shook her head, shaking the thought
from it. “I need to know how you do it so maybe I’ll have a chance of staying
at The Library. I love that place.”

“I don’t love Ryder.”

Jenna sat up and looked down at him like he’d just confessed
to being Mr. Rogers. “You kiss your mama with that mouth of lies?”

He grinned and yanked her back down beside him. “Shut it. Me
and denial are making out right now so don’t ruin it for me.”

Jenna snorted, hugging him close. She wasn’t going to crap
on him for how he was dealing with it. Everyone deserved their own ways of
coping. She just wondered how long before she cracked under the weight of the
choices she had to make.

“What about your month with Nick? Where does that stand?”

“Null and void, in my opinion. I didn’t exactly red out but
if it came down to it last night, I would have and not second-guessed it. They
were so busy arguing over having me that no one was there when I fell.” She
hugged Oscar close. “Well, neither of them were.”

He squeezed her and ran his fingers in her hair. “I’m here
for you, always. You know that. And the girls send their love too.”

“Aww. No girl on the planet has better friends. I’ll meet with
the girls on Wednesday and fill them in. Don’t know what I’m going to do just
yet but I’m also trying not to make any rash decisions while I’m trying to even
my emotions back out.”

“Speaking of emotions, I loved your blog post.”

“You read it?” Joy and a little bit of worry crept in.

“I read everything you post, Jenna. Just normally don’t
comment back. What you write. It’s really good.”

“Thanks.”

“You had a very interesting post on there even before I read
it.”

She stilled, not having a clue what he was talking about.

“Someone offered you a guest spot on a radio show.”

“Huh? What radio show?” Jenna moved over to her desk chair
and wiggled her mouse. The screen came back on and she refreshed the blog post.
“I don’t know any radio show hosts.”

“It seems someone knows of you, quite liked the guerrilla
pics you posted in the square and really like your kinky messages. It could be
awesome for you and for the new stores.”

Jenna scanned through the messages, trying to find the one
he spoke about. There were already more than sixty comments, ranging from
smiley faces to paragraphs she was too overwhelmed to read. She finally found
the one he spoke about from a woman named Samantha and she whispered it out
loud to herself. “I’ve been following your blog for almost a year. It’s
refreshing and insightful and this last post is epic. I think my listeners
would love to be able to listen to you and ask some questions about your
experiences in kink. My internet radio show,
Samantha Speaks
, is on from
nine to midnight two nights a week and is carried by two satellite radio
stations. I’ll contact you in the next few days to see if you’re interested.
And the rumor mill around town says you’re going to be opening up some kink
friendly shops. For once I hope the gossipmongers are right. PS—the pics in the
square were AWESOME!”

She sat there for a minute, trying to wrap her mind around
the idea of someone interviewing her about the lifestyle. What an opportunity.
“Haleigh was right.”

“About what?”

“That I should write with more emotion instead of just a
how-to on something. Without her commenting on it when she was rope drunk last
night I wouldn’t have written it the way I did.”

“Good advice.” He put his hands behind his head and closed
his eyes. “Emotion pulls people in to get them to listen to what you want to
share. And you can use it to advertise the kinky establishments too. Great idea
you had. The blog and the businesses.”

His praise warmed her inside and she took the first deep
breath she had in almost twenty-four hours.

“We’re a go on the businesses and the lease. Did I tell
you?” She glanced at him in time to see a smile brighten his face.

“No fucking way. Haleigh got it all pushed through that
quickly?”

“That girl is a beast when she wants to be. And she’s so
sweet and unassuming nobody sees it coming.” She grinned, unable to keep the
info to herself. “You know our new landlord. You’ll never guess who it is.”

“Chris and Jared?”

“Nope. They don’t own real estate in Missouri yet. At least
I don’t think they do. Guess again.”

He wrinkled his nose, making the duck face since he knew it
made her laugh. “No idea. Who?”

“Damien.”

His eyes grew wide and he sat up in bed to stare at her. “No
shit?”

She shook her head.

“Fuck me.” He fell back on the bed with a
whoosh
and
she climbed back on next to him.

“Small world, huh?”

“That’s putting it mildly.” He gathered her close and shut
his eyes. “I’ve always been glad he doesn’t play with guys.”

“Why?”

“He’s too fucking hot for his own good. I like knowing I can
watch but I never have to touch. He’s way too hardcore for my tastes.”

“You and me both.”

“So what are we going to do tonight?”

“Don’t you have to work?”

“Nope.”

She propped herself up on an elbow so she could raise her
eyebrow at him. “You don’t have to work at Inktastic or The Library? Seriously?
How’d you swing that?”

He shrugged. “I talked to Kyle and he took my hours at the
shop. Spoke to Chris and Jared and they said they wouldn’t mind giving Patrick
a few hours behind the bar at The Library.”

“He one of the guys who bought CJ’s? I’ve met Douglas
already.”

“Yup. The tall one.” He bounced his eyebrows up and down.

“And you did all this just so you could spend tonight with
me?”

“You needed someone here. I don’t know everything that’s
going on but I know enough that I didn’t think you needed to be alone. So I’m
here to talk or we can tie or make rope. Whatever you need. I’m here.”

“I love you, you know that?”

He smiled again, winking at her. “Yup.”

A few days later she showed up at CJ’s a couple minutes
earlier than the girls were supposed to arrive. The girls had all gotten
together earlier that day and signed the new lease.

All of the business paperwork was being taken care of and
they would officially be business owners in less than a week.

She was overwhelmed in the best of ways and couldn’t wait to
get started. They wouldn’t be open for a couple months while they hammered out
all the details but she already had a head start on some of her clothing items
since some of them were special order and took longer to make.

Her stock levels weren’t going to be huge to begin with but
she’d grown them steadily until she was where she wanted to be.

It had given her the best distraction when she’d needed it
most.

She’d felt so raw after the confrontation in her room at The
Library that she needed a break to get her emotions under control. She’d
leveled out a couple days prior, making her want to race back to work and all
her friends and coworkers. If she were being honest, to Nick and Ian. But that
dynamic wasn’t healthy. Not for any of them.

Dutifully ignoring both of their phone calls and texts was
beginning to be a full-time job. She hadn’t been back to The Library since and
they both told her in separate voicemails her time of hiding was quickly coming
to an end.

She glanced around the dark bar, making sure none of the
other girls was there. She’d come comfy in flip-flops, yoga pants, and a
stretchy corset she was trying out to offer at Nice and Knotty.

“You must be Jenna?”

A tall man of Latin descent slid a cell phone in his pocket
and walked out from behind the bar, extending his hand to her. His soft smile
and warm brown eyes were ridiculously charming and she found herself reaching
for his hand even though she didn’t know who he was. “And you are?”

“Hector. I believe you’ve already met Douglas. I’m one of
the other business partners.”

“Oh, yes. Hi. Very night to meet you.”

He surprised her by lifting her hand to his lips to place a
kiss across her knuckles. “You are just as beautiful as Douglas described you.”

“And you’re just as charming.”

He smiled again and finally released her hand after another
slight squeeze.

“The other ladies that you normally meet aren’t here yet but
your booth is empty. Would you care for a drink while you wait?”

“Maybe even a bit more charming than Douglas.”

“I heard that, youngin.” Douglas stood behind the bar and
winked at her.

“Youngin? Do people even say that anymore?” She laughed and
stuck her tongue out at him. Proving his point, of course, but she couldn’t
help herself. “Thank you for the offer, Hector. I’ll have a frozen strawberry
margarita with sugar on the rim instead of salt, please. If you have it.”

“I’ll be over in just a minute.” He motioned her forward and
turned back toward the bar.

She was in the booth no more than a couple minutes when a
lovely red beverage was placed in front of her in a frosty glass. “Thanks,
Hecto…” It died on her lips when she looked up and Nick was the one who set it
in front of her. Ian was by his side.

Nick moved in next to her when she made a move to make a
break for it.

Ian slid into the booth across from them. “You’ve been
avoiding us.”

“Duh.” Not the most eloquent way to respond but her shields
were fully back up.

“I—” Nick started, then shook his head. “We wanted a chance
to talk to you, in public—so you’d feel comfortable—so the girls won’t be here
for an hour or so.”

“You got the girls to agree to this? Really?”

“We’re not here to bullshit you, Jenna.” Ian snagged her
gaze as soon as she looked his way. “We wanted to apologize for the gym incident.”

“’Incident’, is that what you call it when grown men have
temper tantrums?” She picked up her drink and sucked down a healthy swallow.
Damn it tasted good so she took another drink before setting it back down. “And
what about the
incident
in the prep room?”

“We’re sorry for all of it.” She looked over at Nick again,
watching him, staring at him.

“Okay, you’re sorry, now what? I appreciate you guys doing
that. Especially doing it together. I’m shocked you haven’t started breaking
glasses over each other’s heads. Now what do you expect me to do with it? This
isn’t going to make anything better. You both realize that, I hope.” She took
another drink, thinking a little liquid courage wasn’t a bad idea at all,
especially since all she wanted to do was beg for her collars back and lick
each of the men before her.

“We think it can. And we’d like the chance to prove it.”

She didn’t believe it, especially not with Ian grinding his
teeth or with Nick’s hands clenched into tight fists.

But hope slipped through when she wasn’t guarding her heart
and filled it near to bursting. It was that simple and that quick for her to
fall off the wagon again. These two men were the men she’d always wanted. They
were offering themselves to her in some kind of way she didn’t fully understand
but she couldn’t say no. She couldn’t do it. The word literally would not form
from her tongue and jaw.

“Would you care to dance?” Ian’s voice snapped her out of
whatever emotional fog she’d been drifting in. He was no longer across from her
but stood next to the table, looking down at her.

She glanced at Nick because she couldn’t help it.

“I dig that you think you need my permission.” He moved a
piece of hair, touched beneath her chin and brought her to his lips to kiss. It
wasn’t a particularly sexy kiss, but it curled her toes nonetheless. “But you
don’t. We’d both like to dance with you, if you’ll give us a chance.”

She searched his eyes, his face and then did the same to Ian
who stood there, waiting for her. Longing to believe them flooded her system
and blood rushed in her ears. There was no way to know exactly what they were
asking for or offering but she nodded anyway.

Being strong enough to say no to them wasn’t something she
could do. Before she could second-guess herself, Nick slid out of the booth and
then helped her to stand.

He kissed her cheek. “Have fun. I’ll be there in just a
minute.”

Without another word, Ian took her hand, leading her to the
dance floor. With it being a Wednesday there weren’t huge crowds and the music
was slower. Ian pulled her into his arms and she automatically wrapped her arms
around his waist and laid her head on his chest.

“I’ve missed you.”

For three little words, they sure packed a wallop.

She didn’t answer back. Couldn’t, around the lump in her
throat but she hugged him and that seemed to give him as much answer as he
needed.

He held her close, swaying them to the music.

There was no elaborate routine, nothing fancy or rehearsed.
It was them, together, holding each other. It was like it had been when they
first got together. It was magical and reminiscent of a past she’d thought
never to be touched again.

He lifted her chin, staring down into her eyes and kissed
her. The kiss was so complex due to its simplicity.

There was no expectation in it, no coercion, no question.

Simple desire fueled it and she couldn’t help but respond.
Just as she was about to move up onto her tiptoes and ask for more, she heard,
“May I cut in?”

She broke the connection and almost moved away from Ian, who
stiffened almost imperceptibly. Nick stood no more than a foot away, trained on
her face, waiting.

“Yes.” She flipped back to Ian, who took the opportunity to
kiss her one more time. Again it didn’t seem fueled by jealousy. It was just
nice. Almost as good as the last time they were all together, before she knew
it was Ian.

He stepped away and motioned for Nick to take his place.

Nick moved toward her, tugging her hands up onto his
shoulders and snuggled her against his body. His muscles were hard beneath her
fingers and she nearly moaned when she realized he was aroused. By what?

There was no way it was the sight of her dancing with
another man.

Could it be?

She shook her head, trying to clear it. Maybe she’d walked
into an episode of the
Twilight Zone
or
Body Snatchers
.

“Stop thinking.”

Jenna glanced up at Nick and he looked at her mouth, the
quickening pulse in her neck, and then back to her eyes.

He leaned in close and whispered next to her ear. “I wish
you were naked. Completely. Beneath my hands. His.”

Her breath caught in her chest somewhere back behind her
heart, jump-starting it to beat hard against her ribs.

“My turn.”

Nick rubbed his thumb along her bottom lip, nipping it
gently and tugging on it before he passed her off to Ian again.

“You’re so turned on right now.”

“Yes, Sir.”

He didn’t get mad, pissed off or storm out. Nothing. He just
gathered her in his arms and swayed with her to the soft jazz music piping in
around them.

There were other couples on the dance floor but Jenna didn’t
notice any of them. All she saw was Ian. And Nick. The two men she still loved
and didn’t want to walk away from.

Ian held her close and his erection pressed against her.

She wanted to be naked, at his feet. At their feet. She
sucked in her bottom lip, chewing on it, not certain how to talk to them. Maybe
broaching the subject of them having a threesome was too soon.

Yes.

Totally.

Too soon.

She relaxed into disappointment, wondering if she’d read too
much into it and they meant they were sharing her for dancing and that was it.

That at least made sense, but…

She couldn’t help hoping for more. A lot more.

“Jenna?” Ian said her name as if it wasn’t the first time.

“Yes?”

“We’d like to continue our discussion.”

She raised her eyebrows, holding her breath and she didn’t
utter a single sound.

“Yes, we would.” Nick walked up and held one of her hands,
Ian had the other. “You up for it?”

“Where?”

“The Library.” He whispered it low enough that it couldn’t
have been heard by anyone but them.

“For what? Sorry.” She closed her eyes for a second and then
blinked up at them in turn. “I’m totally lost. Can you spell out what you’re
asking me to do? I don’t want to assume but I also don’t want to go in
expecting something that isn’t even on the table.”

“Or spanking bench,” Ian offered helpfully.

Her smile crept in and both men seemed to relax just a tad.

“We’d like to play with you.” Ian kissed her forehead,
cupping her cheek.

“Maybe a bit of wax.”

“And canes,” Ian added.

Jenna disentangled herself from the men and walked away to
grab her purse. She lusted after the rest of her margarita but knew she needed
a clear head if she were really going to do this. She tossed a few bills on the
table to cover the tab and turned around to find the men less than five feet
away. “I’ll meet you there.”

Both men smirked but she held up her hand. “We’ll talk and
then if things are…comfortable we can continue. Deal?”

“Yup.”

“Yes.”

Jenna beat them both out the door and to her car. They each
parked close to her and she liked the feeling of being protected, even if she
didn’t know about it.

She was freaked out and nervous when they pulled out of the
lot, each of them in their own vehicle but sent up a bit of a prayer that
everything would turn out well.

Somehow the men beat her to The Library. They texted her the
playroom they wanted her to go to and she tried to hide her grin when she
walked inside.

They were across the room, standing face-to-face and talking
low.

Friendly even.

“She did what?” Ian’s angry voice filled the room and she
stopped dead in her tracks with her heart thumping away in her chest.

She knew it was too good to be true. They couldn’t get along
for even a few… “Wait. What?”

Ian headed toward her, the tendons in his neck pulling with
each step. “You self-suspended without a spotter? And had no fucking clue how
long you’d been up there?”

Her mouth fell open and nothing came out.

Her worried gaze switched to Nick, who walked up beside Ian
and his expression was dark, unreadable. He crossed his arms over his chest and
waited.

“You’re fucking kidding me, right?”

“Do I look like I’m fucking amused?” Ian didn’t simply ask
the question, he growled it at her. He leaned a tiny bit closer, making her
pussy wet and her temper erupt.

“That was how long ago? You weren’t there. It had nothing to
do with you, and—”

“Nothing? Really? The mask you wore says otherwise.”

“The mask.” She tossed her purse down and stepped up to him,
going toe-to-toe if that’s how he wanted to play this evening. Sex be damned.
He wanted to know some things? She’d be more than happy to fill him in. “I
wanted to burn it when you walked out. Your stuff. Your rope. Your scent. I
wanted to have a gigantic bonfire about a week later when I realized you’d
really pulled such a chickenshit move as to leave me in the condition I was
in.”

He stiffened and opened his mouth and she narrowed her eyes
at him.

“I had bruises for weeks after the beating I took from you
that night. It was the hardest I’d ever been played and you walked away. When I
dropped after that scene, I was in a hole so deep there was no light anywhere
to be seen. You ripped away my security, my foundation and my Sir in one fit of
panic. When I clawed my way back out I got rid of everything. Every tiny scrap
of our life together I disposed of, just as easily as you disposed of me. The
one thing I kept? Your collar.”

She growled, not at Ian but at the tears that altered her
voice, making it hard to talk. She swallowed several times until she could
continue. For years she’d imagined what she would say and it surprised her how
easily it all poured out, as if a levee had broken. No way that much emotion
could be diverted quickly enough to prevent the devastation this conversation
would cause.