Just Crazy (5 page)

I wave the chocolate under his nose.

‘Look, Sooty,' I say. ‘Caramel nut swirl!'

Sooty wriggles the rest of his body out from under the couch, but he doesn't take the bait.

He just stands and looks at me. Maybe he's too full of flying saucer. Or maybe he remembers how much trouble he got in the time he ate all my Easter eggs.

I bite the caramel nut swirl in half.

‘Mmmm,' I say. ‘Yummy. Want a bite of this hand-picked peanut dipped in caramel and smothered in rich dark chocolate, Sooty? It's delicious.'

I don't know about Sooty, but it's working on Danny. He's practically drooling all over the carpet.

‘Can I have one?' he says.

‘Just one,' I say. ‘Keep the rest for Sooty.'

Danny picks one up and unwraps it.

I put mine under Sooty's nose.

‘You know you want it,' I say. ‘So have it! You deserve it.'

Sooty sniffs it. He licks it and takes it into his mouth and swallows it whole. He doesn't need any more encouragement. He starts wolfing down chocolates as fast as Danny and I can unwrap them. Every now and again we have one as well. Well, to tell you the truth, it's hard to tell who's eating the most — Sooty or us. Danny has chocolate all around his mouth — it's dribbling down his chin onto his shirt.

Suddenly the door opens.

‘Andy!' says Dad. ‘What do you think you're doing?!'

I look up. Dad is home early.

‘Dad!' I say. ‘I didn't expect you home this early!'

‘Obviously not,' he says. He bends down and picks up a chocolate wrapper ‘Have you been eating my chocolates?'

‘No, Dad . . .' I say. ‘It was Sooty! I came in here and they were everywhere.'

I point at Sooty.

‘Bad dog!' I say. ‘You're a very bad dog!'

Dad shakes his head. ‘Andy, do you really expect me to believe that?'

‘Yes,' I say.

‘But it's all over your face,' says Dad. ‘And Danny's too.'

Danny quickly pulls up his T-shirt and wipes his face. But there's so much chocolate on his shirt that it only makes it worse.

‘Um, yes,' I say, ‘that's true. But we just wanted to make sure that the chocolate hadn't passed its use-by date . . . in case we had to take Sooty to hospital.'

‘Yeah,' says Danny. ‘Can't be too careful with use-by dates.'

I think it's quite a good excuse, but Dad is not listening. He is beyond listening. He is getting ready to give a lecture.

‘Andy,' he says, ‘it's bad enough that you steal my chocolate.'

‘Yes, Dad.'

When Dad is lecturing I find it's best to just agree with everything he says. It seems to calm him down.

‘And it's even worse that you compound your crime by eating my chocolate.'

‘Yes, Dad.'

‘But then to waste it on the dog — that is really stupid!'

‘Yes, Dad.'

‘And then to
blame
the poor dog!'

‘Yes, Dad.'

‘Do you really expect me to believe that he
went into the laundry, opened the cupboard door, pulled the chocolates out, carried them to the lounge room and unwrapped them all by himself? What do you take me for — an idiot?'

'Yes, Dad.'

‘What!?'

Oops. Sometimes it's better not to agree.

‘I mean, no, Dad.'

Now he's
really
mad.

‘Clean up this mess,' he says. ‘And you can replace what you have eaten out of your own pocket money'.

‘Yes, Dad.'

He turns and leaves the room.

I look at Sooty.

‘This is your fault,' I say.

‘Yeah,' says Danny. ‘It's all your fault.'

Sooty just sits down and scratches himself. He doesn't care.

‘The least you could do is be sick!' I say.

He stares back at me.

‘Come on, Sooty!' I say. ‘Be sick!'

‘It's not working,' says Danny.

Suddenly I have a brainwave. I'm not a smoker or anything, but I did have a puff once. I was with my cousin, David. He said I should learn to smoke because it really
impresses girls. But I didn't impress anybody. All I did was cough so much that I was sick. If I can get Sooty to smoke a cigarette then maybe it will have the same effect on him.

‘It doesn't matter,' I say to Danny. ‘I've got a better idea. Let's make him smoke.'

‘Is he old enough?' says Danny.

‘He is in dog years,' I say. ‘Come on.'

I grab Sooty by the collar, drag him outside and lock him underneath the house.

‘Wait there,' I say. ‘We'll be back in a minute.'

We go out into the street and search the nature strip for butts. We find a couple and go back under the house. It's very cramped and dark and we have to double over.

I find a box of barbecue matches and light one of the butts. I suck the smoke back.

It tastes horrible. I cough so hard I almost throw up. Perfect!

I offer the butt to Sooty but he turns his head away. I try to put it in his mouth but he just keeps moving his head from side to side.

‘Come on, Sooty,' I wheeze. ‘Think how cool you'll look when you learn to smoke. And how tough. The girl dogs will all go for you for sure.'

‘Isn't this a bit cruel?' says Danny. ‘I mean, won't it stunt his growth?'

‘He's short already,' I say. ‘He can hardly get any shorter.'

‘But what if he gets hooked?' says Danny.

‘Then we'll ring the Quit line,' I say. ‘But first we'll get our aliens back.'

But Sooty has other ideas. He jerks his head away from me and knocks the butt out of my hands. It falls into my lap.

‘Ahhhh!' I scream. I jump up.

WHACK!

My head hits the roof.

‘Ouch!' I yell.

‘Andy?' calls Mum. ‘Is that you under there?'

‘No, Mum,' I say, hoping that she will believe me and go away.

‘Are you smoking?'

‘No,' I say.

‘Then why can I smell smoke?' she says.

‘It's Sooty,' I say. ‘We're trying to get him to stop but he won't listen.'

‘Andy, get out here this minute!' says Mum.

We all crawl out.

Mum is standing there with her hands on her hips.

‘That's the most pathetic excuse I've ever heard,' she says. ‘When are you going to grow up and start taking responsibility for your actions?'

‘But, Mum . . .' I say.

‘No, listen to me,' says Mum. ‘I know you think it looks cool, and tough, and that it will make girls like you, but do you realise what smoking can do to your health?'

‘But . . .' I say

‘It rots your lungs. It stunts your growth. It ruins your circulation. You'll get gangrene and your toes will drop off. Is that what you want?'

‘Are you getting all this, Sooty?' I say.

‘I'm talking to you!' says Mum. ‘You two would be a lot better off playing outside in the fresh air than huddled under the house smoking. Why don't you go to the playground? The exercise would do you good.'