Just One More Breath (6 page)

“Who said you have to be alone? Where is your family?”
he asked.

I
brought Shawn up to date on my parents’ big move to Florida.

“Florida is a nice state, warm…beautiful beaches
. Did you ever think of moving there with them?”

“Nope, not interested in living there. For one
, I don’t want to impose on my parents, and two, Florida just isn’t appealing to me. And most importantly, I could never leave Zena and The A.R.T Center like that. I worked too long and too hard to just turn my back on them.”

“But at least you would be with family
. Isn’t that better than being alone?”

“I’m not actually alone too often
. Zena comes over a few nights a week and sometimes she even spends the night. She tries her best to remain present but it’s just not the same. Without Jax, I can be in a room full of people and still feel alone. He’s been mine for the last ten years. Now…now I feel like I’m missing a limb. A really important limb.”

A look of pain flashe
d across Shawn’s face and I felt a hint of guilt for unloading all of my drama on him. But Shawn kept probing so I kept talking. “So what do you do when you’re at home?”

“Nothing really
. I just sit and think.”

“Think about what?”

Geez, he really wasn’t making this easy for me. I tried to move my attention toward something else, but Shawn kept a light finger on my chin forcing me to maintain eye contact with him. “Jax and what kind of mother I was to him.” Admitting that out loud was almost harder than thinking it.

“Don’t ever doubt what kind of mother you were to Jax. I know for a fact you were an exceptional mother.”

“I know I tried my best, but I can’t help but wonder if my best was enough.”

“What do you mean?”

I shrugged. “Did I hug and kiss him enough? Did I tell him I loved him enough? Did he know how proud I was to be his mother?” I started blinking rapidly in an effort to hold back a new onslaught of tears. “I took time for granted, Shawn. Never in a million years did I think Jax would only be around for ten years, and because of that, I didn’t savor the time we had…I didn’t cherish each nanosecond like I should’ve.” I let out a sarcastic laugh. “Guess I never will really know the answers to those questions, will I?”

The sad look etched in Shawn’s face deepened. “Don’t ever wonder about your skills as a mother. You were excellent at it
. I saw firsthand how healthy and happy your son was. You should always look back at the way you raised Jax and be proud.”

I
tried to smile through the tears. “Thanks, Shawn, I really needed to hear that.”

Deciding to break the tension from the deep
and exhausting conversation we were having, I picked up my chopsticks and dug into my noodles. Shawn received the message and started eating his meal as well. When we were done with our entrees, I glanced over at Shawn and asked him one last question. The main question I had been meaning to ask him since we reconnected. “Shawn, I was wondering if you could help me with my divorce?”

Shawn’s ent
ire body went stiff as a board, but the look in his eyes showed me that he agreed with the decision I was making.

“Of course I
will,” he replied.

Shawn

Two weeks later
, I was still completely overwhelmed with the ridiculous divorce case and had to put off having a formal meeting with Nicole about the specifics of her own. I promised to take on Nicole’s case pro bono, which meant I would have to handle it after hours and on weekends. Since our initial dinner at Chance, Nicole and I met twice after work for dinner and four-dollar Mojito’s. Both times I’d enjoyed myself, and was reluctant to leave her. Being around Nicole was easy and most importantly, it was real. She didn’t laugh ridiculously loud at my not-so-funny jokes, or stare at me like I was a piece of meat. We were just two people, enjoying each other’s company.

When we
spent time together, I refused to talk about business. I wanted that time to be completely relaxing and enjoyable for Nicole, and consistent. There were a few times where I left work undone because I refused to cancel on her. I needed her to know that she could always rely on me. Instead, I chose to cancel on Brooke, my current “friend with benefits.”

By Friday evening
, I was frustrated. Not just with work, but also sexually. But somehow I didn’t regret canceling on Brooke—who was a guaranteed lay—to see Nicole. My frustration was magnified when I pulled up at Nicole’s house and glanced down and saw an incoming text message from a strange number. When I popped open the message, I saw a picture of Mariana Lopez smiling as wide as humanly possible with her left hand next to her face. A stunning diamond engagement ring gleaming from her ring finger with the caption:

"He liked it…
so he put a ring on it,"
written underneath.

I
shivered in horror, and then I quickly called Mark.

"I'm assuming that you're calling me because you got the picture from Mariana."

"Yes, but hold on…I want to conference Matt in on this call.” I dialed my brother in Germany, not even considering what time it could possibly be.

“So
, you guys got the picture from your soon-to-be sister-in-law?" They both groaned, then Mark started rattling off.

“Yep
, he sent that to us because she knew it would piss us off. It's almost like she wants to taunt us. I'm sure she isn’t too dense to realize that we don't like her ass.”

Shawn cut Ma
rk off. “Speak for yourself, Mark. You may not like her, but I seriously hate that girl.” 

Matt kept trying to calm us down, repeatedly telling us
that the things we were saying weren’t nice. "Shawn and Mark, I totally agree. I know I feel the same way you do, but I think we should pretend to be happy and support our brother throughout this catastrophe. Smile at the wedding and be the best brothers of the groom we can be.”

Typical
Matthew. Always trying to be the voice of reason, the peacemaker, and the cool head in the midst of a heated situation. I, however, did not possess that quality. "I will go to the wedding, but I refuse to pretend to be happy. As a matter of fact, one of you guys can be the best man. I can’t stomach standing next to him while he dooms his life."

My two brothers blew up on me
. "No, Shawn, you can't do that. You’re his identical twin."

"Wait…is that how we're doing this? The twins get to be
each other’s best man?" I asked.

"No…it's not, because chances are
, Shane will be the only one of us actually getting married," Mark said.

I
laughed. "Good point, Mark."

"Whatever
, Shawn. You think you’re a player like me, but you’re not. You’re just as sappy and romantic as your twin brother. Given the right girl, you too shall fall on one knee and hand over your balls.”

Mark’s words annoyed me
. “Mark, you really think you’re the world’s biggest player? You know nothing about me. So stop assuming.”

“Whatever you need to believe to help yourself sleep at night
, Shawny."

I
went from annoyed to pissed off with one simple word. "Don’t call me that. You know I hate that shit. Look, I called you two assholes to discuss Shane’s personal life, not mine. And now I have to go handle some business. So, ’bye."

My
brothers said, "’Bye, Shawny," simultaneously, and I ended the call without another word. Wishing I had called them from my desk so I could literally hang the receiver up on them rather than simply pressing "End" on my cell phone.

~*~*~*~*~

I tried to shake off my increasingly bad mood before I rang Nicole’s bell. Seconds later she opened her door and greeted me with a soft smile. I drank in the wonderful sight of her, and all the irritation I felt was slowly replaced by the common and increasingly frequent malfunction of my heartbeat. I gave Nicole a big hug and a soft peck on the cheek, and then followed her into the house.

When I entered the living room my
developing smile turned into a frown. Something about Nicole’s house made me feel uncomfortable. I turned to Nicole and asked, “Why is it so dark in here?”

Nicole brushed
off my question with a shrug. “I don’t know, I just…feel more comfortable like this.”

Although we
had been spending time together, until today, I had never actually been inside her house. I didn’t expect it to be so gloomy.

Even though
I felt uneasy about the dreariness of the house I decided not to pry. Instead I pulled my iPad out of my briefcase along with the normal questionnaire I gave to new clients. Then I tapped the space next to me for Nicole to join me on the couch.

“How about we get the business end taken care of first? Then maybe we can watch a movie and order some Chinese food?”
I suggested.

Nicole smiled and joined me
. Before I could hand her the questionnaire, she tugged at my forearm forcing me to make eye contact with her. “What’s wrong?” she asked with a questioning look.

I lifted an eyebrow; I honestly thought I
left the bad vibes at the door.

“What do you mean?”
I asked, even though I had a pretty good idea of what she meant.

Nicole reached over
, grabbing the papers out of my hand. “Shawn, I know you. I can tell when something is bothering you. Spit it out.”

I
wasn’t used to that. I wasn’t used to women looking deeper than my outward appearance, and that’s exactly what Nicole just did. Most women only paid attention to my looks; they never cared about anything that ran deeper than my dimples. I let out a long sigh and Nicole turned her body toward me, giving me her undivided attention. I pulled my cellphone out of my pocket and handed it to her with the text message from Mariana on the screen.

Nicole took one look at the message and then shook her head. “She’s rubbing it in your face
, isn’t she? She knows that you don’t think Shane should marry her.”

I
nodded. “Yep.”
And she guessed it in one. Insightful.

“One thing I’ve learned over the last few months is that you can’t take on other people’s problems
, Shawn. If Shane is making a mistake, eventually he will figure it out.”

A
lthough her words didn’t necessarily make me feel better, the fact that she cared enough to ask soothed something inside me. How did she always seem to be able to do that?

Nicole stre
tched her hands out and gave me a hug. After our quick embrace, I took my papers away from her.

I
glanced at the sheet of questions I brought with me but ultimately decided not to use them. It seemed too formal, too impersonal, not the way I wanted to handle Nicole’s case. Although this was business, I always wanted to see Nicole as a friend and never as a client. Besides, I already knew most of the answers to the questions, and figured that bringing up certain topics would only upset her and ruin the rest of our night together. Instead I decided to get to the heart of the matter.

“Ok
ay, lady, let’s get down to business. What do you hope to walk away from this divorce with?” I had expected Nicole to have things written down or ask for a few minutes to think about it, but she surprised me when she rattled them off.

“I want to pay him out of this house and get his name off the deed. I want to liquidate all of our assets and split the profits down the middle. Most importantly
, I want him to forget Jax and I ever existed. If he sees me outside, he needs to turn and walk in the other direction. I want to delete him from my life, Shawn, and I want it done as quickly and as smoothly as possible.”

The anger in her tone rubbed me
the wrong way. Nicole had never been an angry and bitter person. I almost started reprimanding her, but the slight shake in her hands made me take a different approach. I slipped my hand around her waist and pulled her into my side making her body flush with mine. “I don’t like seeing you this bitter and angry. This isn’t you.”

She scoffed
. “You would be amazed at how bitter and angry losing your only child can make a person.”

I felt a
chill slide over Nicole’s body and her breaths became erratic as she fought back an onslaught of tears. Unhappy with the sudden turn our conversation had taken, I tried to calm her down. I slipped my finger under her chin, bringing her eyes up to meet mine. Then I lowered my head so that my nose was touching hers. Slowly, I reached for her hand and brought it up to my chest placing it gently above my heart.

“Nicole, I need you to calm down
, sweetie,” I said firmly. She started to protest, but I cut her off. “I’m going to take care of this and I’m going to take care of you. I just need you to relax and trust me, okay?” My words came out in a whisper, but they were loud with meaning.

She nodded,
hopefully hearing the truth behind my statement. And soon I could feel her heart returning to its resting rate.

I
released her hand and gently ran my fingers along her jaw. When our skin made contact, the dynamic in the room changed. One minute it was mucky with angst and anger, and the next it was heavy with years of neglected chemistry and sexual tension. I stiffened when her hand began to slide slowly down my chest. During its descent, her fingers unintentionally brushed over my nipple causing a powerful electrical charge to shoot through both of our bodies.

I closed my
eyes momentarily, and hummed as Nicole’s minty breath brushed past my face. My body’s natural reaction to Nicole’s presence was to be on high alert. I saw her nipples swell as they came to life through her thin cotton shirt and it was breathtaking. She ran her tongue along her lower lip. I was amazed at how good she was making me feel with virtually no effort and minimal contact.

My
eyes followed the smooth movement, yearning to follow the trail of moisture left behind by her tongue. I was desperate to taste her. I could no longer fight the urge to kiss her. I slid forward with closed eyes in an attempt to get a taste of her luscious lips. My knee bumped something, and the sound of her remote control hitting the floor snapped me out of my trance, and I realized what I was about to do. “Shit, Nicole, I’m sorry.”

Her chest was rising and falling rapidly. The skin on her chest was pink, as were her cheeks
, and her beautiful eyes looked dazed. My words seemed to bring her back to reality. “W-what are you sorry about?” she asked, puzzled.

I wasn’t used to feeling out of my depth. I was usually superb at handling women. But, with Nicole,
I didn’t know which move to make, what words to say. “It’s no secret that I’ve always had a thing for you, Nicole,” I whispered. “I was foolishly about to take advantage of you by kissing you, and I’m sorry. That would’ve been inappropriate.”

Nicole
still looked confused in that moment. I realized that her hand was still mindlessly stroking my stomach. As if she realized at the same time, she suddenly pulled away from me, sliding farther across the couch. It took every ounce of my self-control not to follow her.

Embarrassed by my
behavior, I tried to change the subject. “Tell me how things are going with The A.R.T Center.”

Nicole took a few stead
ying breaths, regained her composure, and then told me about her new plans and projects, and some of the new girls she’d met.

“I would love to volunteer at the Center,
so let me know how I can be useful,” I said genuinely. Nicole seemed surprised “You would do that?” she asked, gracing me with that beautiful smile.

“I would do anything for you, Nicole.” I stared into her eyes, hoping that she understood that my statement had a double meaning.
It seems she did get my meaning. She sucked in a quick breath and then shook her head vigorously. “I will definitely hold you to that. But for right now I have another idea,” she said, quickly changing the subject.

She walked over to her DVD case and after a few seconds of searching
, made her way over to the DVD player. Before I knew it, we were watching “The Sound of Music." The elation on her face silenced any suggestions I would’ve made for another movie. Her attempts at singing along with Julie Andrews, and the delicious Chinese food that we ordered, kept me entertained for well over two hours. When the credits finally rolled, I glanced at my watch, and realized that it was time to head home. Never would I have thought that I would stay in on a Friday night watching “The Sound of Music.” I think it is now very clear. I would do anything for this beautiful girl.