Just One More Breath (2 page)

Jax’s shoulders slumped when he heard
my words, further breaking my heart. “So does that mean he has a new family now? What about us?”

I took in a sharp breath, fighting back the tears that threatened.
“Don’t worry about us, sweetie, we will be fine. Everything will be fine, but if you need me at any time this weekend...don’t hesitate to call me, okay?”

He nodded but
I could tell he wasn’t very happy. I didn’t feel comfortable sending Jax away in such a sad mood; I knew I had to perk him up a little bit before he left. I kneeled down to Jax’s eye level. “You know what? I know exactly how to fix this,” I said thoughtfully. His eyes brightened with curiosity in what plan I had up my sleeve. “I’m going to get you your own cell phone today,” I said excitedly. “So we can call and text each other any time we want when we are not together."

Jax jumped up and down with delight. "Oh! Mommy! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!”
he exclaimed. “I know exactly which phone I want.”

“Oh yeah? A
nd what phone might that be?” I asked, fascinated.

“Can you get me a Samsung Galaxy Note?"
he asked with a huge grin.

“Oh
Jesus, I’ll see Jax, but I honestly don't think you need something so extravagant," I said, running my hand through his curly hair.

Jax started to convince
me of all the pros of getting him a fancy phone, but I cut him off.

"I’ll think about it
, baby boy. I don’t want you to keep your dad waiting. Remember what I said. Call me if you need me, and I will see you Monday. I love you."

"I love you too
, Mommy," Jax said and smiled.

I
gave him one more kiss on the forehead, and got a quick whiff of his hair as he headed out of the door. Before he was out of my eyesight, Jax said one more thing, “Mom? Can you at least get me a phone that I can play Candy Crush on?”

I
smiled, nodded, and with that he was gone.

After Jax left
, I sat for a few minutes trying to gain my bearings. It would suck not having him around for the next few days because he was my main source of company. He was always hugging me and telling me that he loved me, and I was always kissing him on the cheek or forehead. Sometimes it embarrassed him when I kissed him in front of his friends, but I did it anyway.

I knew sending Jax with his dad would be hard, but seeing that girl in the car made the whole situation virtually unbearable
. I would be lying if I said I hadn’t felt a twinge of jealousy about Jaxson moving on. A small, very stupid part of me always held out hope that the three of us would someday get our family back. And after our last conversation, it was clear that Jax was holding onto the same hope. It seemed Jaxson was the only one who really had no intentions of making his family whole again.

Although jealousy was present, it had nothing to do with the sickness
I felt at that moment. The truth of the matter was that it had only been a few months since Jaxson moved out. It was way too soon to bring other people into our son’s life. Instead of spending the entire day eating myself up inside about the crap hand I had been dealt, I hopped in the shower and washed my hair. Washing my hair always did something magical for me; it almost felt like a cleansing of the soul. It might sound silly, but it always made me feel clean on another level. Renewed somehow.

After
my shower, I started to tackle the list of errands made the night before. There was a ton of laundry and some cleaning to be done. I also decided to do grocery shopping without Jax because I was tired of him filling my cart with sweets and junk. Three hours later, I had completed my list of tasks and was ready to head out and to start a day of beauty with my best friend and business partner, Zena. It had been a ridiculously long time since I had pampered myself.

As busy as
I kept myself, the sick feeling in my stomach that started when Jax left with his dad, was ever present. Every so often, my thoughts made their way back to Jax and I wondered how he was doing. I knew he had to be terribly uncomfortable, and I wished I could call him to reassure him that everything will be okay, and to tell him that I loved him.

That reminded
me to head to the cell phone store before I met Zena. When there, I told the sales associate about the phone that Jax asked for, and he brought me over to it. I wanted to see this fancy phone in person.

“Jesus
, this phone is huge. It looks like a damn laptop,” I said astounded. The sales associate laughed, and told me that although the phone was indeed quite big, it was also “
quite awesome
” and gave me a quick tutorial on how to use the phone. After the lesson, I felt overwhelmed. “It’s a nice phone with very cool features, but I think it’s much more than any ten-year-old could need.”

The
young man agreed with my concerns and showed me the Samsung s4. It was a much better fit size wise, so I picked that up for Jax. After I got the bill squared away, I headed into Queens to meet Zena. As I drove, every time I spotted the cell phone box in my passenger seat, I smiled. Knowing Jax was going to be super excited made me super excited. I made a mental note to add Justin Timberlake’s new album to his music since JT was Jax’s favorite artist.

As
I pulled into the parking lot I texted Zena:

Nicole:
Hey Zena, I’m here.

My phone buzzed with an instant reply.

Zena:
Great, I’m pulling in right behind you.

It had been ages since I’d had a girl’s day with my best friend. When Zena saw me rounding the car she made a really loud, almost ear-piercing scream, and speed-walked over to me. We embraced each other. Seeing her helped me relax a little bit more.

“Hey
, girl. Check you out. You look good.” A slight blush crept onto my cheeks. Zena was well aware of the issues Jaxson and I were having. So, I knew she was being extra generous with the compliment to make me feel good.

“Thanks
, girl. I sure don’t feel it, which is why I am in desperate need of this spa day. Shall we get this party started?”

Zena winked at
me. “Hell yeah, girl. Lead the way.”

We
entwined our arms and started walking toward the spa. When we were just a few feet away from the entrance, my cell phone began to ring. When I saw Jaxson’s name flashing on the screen, I assumed it was Jax. I released Zena, and flipped my phone open.

“Hello
, my sweet,” I said with a smile.

There was a slight pause, and then a voice replied that wasn’t Jax.

“Nicole, this is Jaxson,” he said curtly.

I
instantly stopped walking; the tone in his voice told me something was wrong. I grabbed Zena by the hand to get her to stop walking as well.

“Is everything ok
ay?” I asked nervously.

There was another long pause.

“We had an accident at the club. I need you to meet me at the hospital.”

My
knees felt weak and I started to shake. Fear clung to my throat and I was barely able to squeeze out three words.

“Is he ok
ay?”

Jaxson
let out a loud breath. “He’s with the doctors. Meet me at the City Hospital Pediatric Intensive Care Unit.”

With a trembling hand
, I ended the call, and shoved my phone back into my purse. Then I put my hand on Zena’s shoulder for support, because my head suddenly felt dizzy. Zena looked at me with concern.

“Is everything ok
ay?” she asked.

I
shook her head. No. “Jaxson just called and said that Jax had an accident. I need to meet him at the City Hospital.”

“Ok
ay, you don’t need to drive. Let me take you in my car,” Zena offered, then grabbed my hand and led me toward her car. I was grateful she was there, as my mind was a ball of mush and I don’t think I could have driven anywhere at that point.

The uneasiness
I had been feeling all day suddenly started to make sense. It was as if I
knew
something bad was going to happen.

“Dammit
, Zena. I knew I shouldn’t have sent my baby with Jaxson. My gut kept telling me not to send him.”

Zena put a calming hand on
my leg and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Nicole, lets not jump to conclusions. This could be something as simple as a scraped knee or a few stitches. Let’s get to the hospital and see what’s going on.”

“I know
. I’m sure it’s nothing too serious, but this whole day started all terribly wrong. Zena, Jaxson showed up at my house this morning with his new girlfriend in his brand-spanking new Beamer. I told him it wasn’t a good idea to have a girl with him on his first visitation with Jax, but he accused me of being jealous, and threw the court order in my face. I knew I shouldn’t have sent my baby with him.”

Zena kept trying to calm
me down, but on the drive to the hospital, I found myself getting more and more pissed. I wasn’t pissed at Jaxson. I was pissed at myself. I chastised myself. “I always go with my gut when it comes to my son. What the hell was I thinking? I shouldn’t have let that court order bully me into doing something I didn’t feel comfortable doing.”

Every few minutes
I found myself saying out loud, “I knew I shouldn’t have sent him.”

Thirty
minutes later we pulled up at the hospital. I ran into the emergency room and Zena went off to the valet parking. I felt shaky and nervous as I approached the information desk.

“Hello, I’m
Jaxson Miller Junior’s mother. He’s a patient in the pediatric emergency room.”

The lady at the front desk picked up the phone and let someone in the back know
I had arrived. I wondered why she had to call anyone? Why couldn’t she just let me go to Jax? He needed me. I really wanted to bypass this desk and find him, but I stood quietly. Anxiously.

Two minutes later
, a social worker showed up. Her presence made my heart thump erratically in her chest.
What the hell?

"Hi
, Mrs. Miller. I’m Jenny Hewett. I’m the social worker with City Hospital.” Jenny reached out her hand to shake mine and I forced my lips into a small smile trying my best to hide my mounting anxiety.

"Hi
, Jenny. Can you please take me to my son?" I asked anxiously.

“Sure, follow me
,” she replied.

Jenny’s face was expressionless as she led
me into the back. However, instead of going straight into Jax’s room, we ended up in a small room with three chairs, a phone, and a box of Kleenex tissues. That startled me. I started to shake.
Why didn’t she take me to Jax?
That ball of worry in my stomach grew, began moving up toward my chest causing my heart to race, and making it hard to breathe.

When
I entered the room, the social worker and two men wearing white lab coats followed me in. Based on their appearance, I assumed that they were doctors.

“Mrs. Miller
, would you like to sit down?” the older of the two doctors asked.

I glanced down at the chair but declined
, “No, I would rather stand.”

Zena appeared outside of the door just before the doctors started to speak. She gave
me a questioning look and I shrugged my shoulders, silently letting her know that I had no clue what was going on.

The doctor cleared his throat
and pulled my attention back to them.

"Mrs. Miller, your husband told us that he found your son at the bottom of a pool. It’s unclear how long he was down there. We tried for forty
-five minutes to resuscitate him, but we were never able to regain vital signs."

Ummm.... What?
I wasn’t quite sure what the doctors meant.

"Ok
ay, what does that mean? What do we do next?" I asked.

The doctors gave
me a genuine look of sympathy.

"I’m sorry
, ma'am, but there is nothing else to do. Your son was pronounced dead twenty minutes ago."

“
Dead? What do you
mean
dead? My son is
not
dead! I just bought him a cell phone and he's coming home this Monday,” I shrieked.

The doctors looked pained by
my comments. “I’m so sorry, Mrs. Miller. He didn’t make it.”

The room became deafeningly silent
. Every hair on my skin was raised. My breathing was accelerated. “Please take me to Jax," I demanded, disregarding his last statement.

The doctors left the room
, but Jenny stayed.

"Mrs. Miller
, I know this must be hard to process...but I need you to acknowledge and understand what was just said to you."

I
ignored her words, because if I acknowledged the bullshit Jenny and the doctors told me, I might’ve screamed.
What do they mean my son is dead? I couldn’t comprehend. Kids can’t die. My baby boy couldn’t die…. He just needed me and everything would be fine.

"Please take me to my son
," I repeated with a little bit more force.

Jenny nodded and then led
me out of the room. Zena was still waiting on the other side of the door.

When
we made eye contact, I shook my head, no, again, although I wasn’t quite sure what the “no” represented. Zena grabbed my hand, the contact making me aware of how badly my hand shook.

The words from the doctors and
Jenny played over and over in my head.

This can’t be happening.

Jenny stopped at Jax’s room and when her hand grabbed the doorknob, my entire body started to tremble.

Upon entering the room
, I saw a red, puffy-eyed Jaxson at the bedside, with his lady friend holding his hand, sitting beside him. Jaxson’s facial expression made my knees weak and I stumbled. When I regained my balance, Zena assisted me over to the bed. I could see someone lying there with a white sheet up to their neck and a plastic tube hanging out of their mouth. But I couldn’t see a face.

I
kept mumbling,

“This is not my baby.”

“This is not my baby.”

I
said silent prayers, wished, and hoped that the body wasn’t Jax.
That couldn’t be Jax.
When I made it to the bed, I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces. There he was, my precious little baby boy lying still. Blue face. Dark purple lips. I placed the tips of my fingers on his cheek and it was cool to the touch. At that moment, I understood exactly what
they
were trying to tell me. My son was gone.

I
let out an ear-piercing scream. Tears streamed down my face and I became enraged. I turned to Jaxson and his
woman
. Ferocity. That was the only way to explain my feeling. I walked over to her, got down in her face so that we were eye-to-eye. I pointed my finger directly at her right eye and whispered, “Get. The. Fuck. Out.” She had no right to be in that hospital room.