Just One More Breath (7 page)

Nicole

I wasn’t sure what I felt, but my limbs were heavy, and electricity once again permeated the room. Shawn’s presence brought me peace, and I wasn’t ready for him to leave.
I wondered what he felt. Did he feel the tension as well?
Some days the time we spent together felt like a gift and a curse. When I was with Shawn, I felt one of the many voids in my chest fill a little. But every time he left, the emptiness felt ten times worse. I knew Shawn had a life and was only trying to be a supportive friend, so I tried my best to put on a brave face when it was time for him to leave. Becoming too dependent on Shawn wouldn’t be fair to either one of us. Shawn was a single, smart, and very good-looking guy. The last thing he needed was his grieving friend taking up all of his spare time. As Shawn slipped his feet into his shoes he caught a glance of the sad expression I was trying so desperately to hide.

“Are you ok
ay, Nic?”

I tried to quickly slide my
happy mask back into place. “I’m good,” I lied.

I knew that my half-hearted
reply wasn’t at all convincing. As hard as I tried to fight it, the Nicole that he had just spent hours with had disappeared, and was replaced by a hollow shell.

“
I have an idea. How about we go to this Colombian place close to my house? We can have some appetizers and a few drinks,” he suggested.

“No
, thanks, Shawn. I’ve taken up enough of your night.”

“Nic, I really enjoyed spending time with you, and would like it very much if we could spend more time
together. Pleeeeease?” Shawn pulled out all the stops, ambushing me with a fully dimpled smile.

I
reluctantly nodded and ran upstairs to change. For the first time in a long time, I felt excited about going out. After a quick shower, I slipped on black leggings with a white shirt that was almost see through, and topped it off with a pair of black, Tory Burch riding boots that I hadn’t worn in what felt like forever. I dusted a light coat of makeup onto my face, and a hint of lip-gloss. Then I gave myself a once over in the mirror. This was the best I had looked in a long time. And for some unknown reason I felt…nervous.

When Shawn saw me
coming down the steps his mouth hung open. I inwardly gave myself a pat on the back. He met me at the bottom of the steps and silently placed my hand in his. “Nicole, you look fantastic,” he said while staring into my eyes.

“Thank you
, Shawn,” I said while trying to hide my flushed cheeks.

“You look
stunning without overdoing it. I’m used to women packing on tons of makeup and dressing overly sexy. Yet here you are in a simple outfit and you’ve taken my breath away.”

I was stunned and unable to reply, not that he gave me much of a chance to. Instead, he turned and led me out of the door and into his car.

Shawn kept his hand entwined with mine for the entire car ride, and thirty minutes later we pulled up at his house. Shawn grabbed a parking spot in front of his apartment, and then we strolled hand in hand around the corner to Bogotá, his favorite Columbian restaurant. The restaurant was packed but the workers knew Shawn by name, and we were seated within seconds of arriving. Shawn still hadn’t spoken a word to me since we left the house. I convinced myself that it was because I had left him speechless. When the waitress approached our table, Shawn began ordering before I opened my menu.

"We'll have two chipotle and pineapple margaritas and some guacamole." He then brou
ght his attention back to me and I giggled when the waitress walked away.

“What’s so funny?” Shawn asked, genuinely perturbed.

“Nothing, it’s just that I’ve never seen this alpha male side of you before,” I said in an amused tone.

My words produced a deeper look of confusion on his face
. “What alpha male side of me?” 

I pursed my
lips “The side that ordered us drinks and appetizers for us before I even had a chance to look at the menu,” I pointed out.

Realization hit Shawn. “Damn, I’m sorry
, Nic. I don’t know what’s come over me. I don’t normally do this sort of thing with women,” he answered quickly. “I remembered hearing you say something about liking guacamole, and I know you love pineapple, so I thought this were obvious choices.”

His words made me
feel prickly inside; Shawn Burns might be a walking chick magnet but I knew that the woman he chose to marry and settle down with would be one lucky lady. Shawn possessed a quality that not many men had or even cared to work on getting. Attentiveness. It came so naturally to Shawn that he did it without even trying. I had no doubt that his future wife would realize how lucky she was and treat this man like a king. Thinking about the woman who would eventually tie Shawn down made me a bit jealous. So I pushed those thoughts aside and pulled myself back into the current conversation.

“It’s ok
ay, Shawn; you made a really good choice. I didn’t expect it, but thank you.” 

Minutes later th
e waitress reappeared with our drinks and appetizer. I laughed even harder when he ordered us a bandeja paisa to share. Of course, Shawn was spot on, the guacamole was delicious and so were the drinks. Before I knew it, I had sucked down three chipotle pineapple margaritas and felt just a little bit woozy. When I started swaying to the beat of nonexistent music, Shawn closed out our bill and led me onto the sidewalk.

When the cool night breeze hit his face
, Shawn stumbled back a few steps and then turned to me.  “I’ve had too much to drink, Nic. I can’t drive you home.”

I
nodded. Taking longer than usual to process his words.

“We can do one of two things. I can grab some cash out of the ATM and put you in a cab. Or, you can crash at my place and I can take you home in the morning.”

I thought about the options and decided it didn’t make sense to pay a cab driver some ridiculous amount of money to drive me home. Plus, I never trusted cab drivers and didn’t feel comfortable in a cab this late, let alone this inebriated. 

“It’s ok
ay; I can crash on your couch tonight. Then I can take the ferry back over to Staten Island in the morning.” I tried walking on my own and started to fall over. Shawn placed his hands firmly on my hip to steady me. 

He pulled me into him and spoke into my
neck, “How about you sleep in my bed.
I will crash on the couch and
I
drive you home in the morning?”

I
smiled and nodded then wrapped my arm around him as he led me back to his place.

Shawn lived in a one-bedroom apartment that screamed bachelor pad. Tons of sports memorabilia, a mini bar
, and the biggest flat-screen television known to man. He tried to tidy up a bit when we walked inside while I stood awkwardly at the door. In all of our years of friendship, I had never been to his apartment. “You’ve got a nice home here, Shawn,” I said.

He looked around making sure he grabbed all the trash off the tables and floor. “Oh please, this place looks like a big man cave. Nothing about it says nice or home.”

“Well, maybe when you get married you can have a man cave like this in your basement and still live in a house that feels homely,” I said, then silently wondered why I was thinking about Shawn getting married for a second time.

Shawn took off his shoes and jacket, and then stretc
hed his arm out to take my jacket. “Oh please, I’m never getting married,” Shawn said with a bitter undertone. His words shocked me as he turned and walked away, disappearing into his bedroom. Moments later he reemerged wearing sweat pants and an undershirt while holding a white T-shirt and a pair of shorts. He offered them to me and directed me to his bathroom.

I
couldn’t believe the dramatic turn my night had taken; never in a million years did I think I would end up spending the night at Shawn’s apartment. I spent a few extra minutes in the bathroom giving myself a pep talk. I knew that Shawn was a womanizer and sleeping with him might not be the smartest thing, but there was something about being close to him that made me feel…alive.

When I felt brave enough I joined Shawn in his living room.
 He sat on his couch and made space for me to join him. It was a loveseat so I had no choice but to sit close to him. I was so close that I could smell his cologne and I loved the way it mixed perfectly with natural, manly scent. Having him in such a close proximity made my palms sweat. I placed my head on his shoulder bringing his mind-blowing smell right up to my nose. I was pretty sure that my panties were turning into one giant puddle. In an effort to get my mind out of the gutter, I exhaled and smiled.

“Thanks again for everything
, Shawn. Not just for tonight, but for handling my divorce and being a good friend. I really appreciate it.”

“You’re welcome
, Nicole. Like I keep saying, I’m here anytime you need me.” His voice sounded sweet, just like his smell, and with every inhale my eyes rolled back just a bit. Shawn’s intoxicating scent was making me feel even more inebriated and my tongue became frantic for a taste of him. When Shawn looked down at me, his eyes slid down to my lips. I licked them as if I were starving. For him.

“Nic, what perfume are you wearing?”
he asked in a raspy voice.

I
didn’t break eye contact with him when I whispered, “Irresistible by Givenchy.”

He
smiled, and brought his lips up to my ear. “How fitting.”

It too
k me a minute to pick up on his subtlety and when I did, I stopped breathing. Feeling bold, my hand slowly slid onto his thigh and I felt heat radiating from the place where our bodies touched. I brought my eyes back up to his, and there it was again. All the years of silent wanting and sexual tension.

I
knew sleeping with Shawn wasn’t the right thing to do—there was a very high probability that I would end up getting hurt—but there was a magnetic pull between our lips and it cause a thrill to run through me. My insides were a big knot of nervousness and desire. My skin was sheened with sweat as I fought to restrain myself. I knew that if our lips touched, even slightly, there would be no turning back.

Regretfully,
or perhaps wisely, I began to pull away. Shawn smiled at me when he noticed, and I suddenly felt the need to explain. “Shawn, I have no doubt that whatever could potentially happen here would be mind-blowing. But I do know that I’m nowhere near ready for it.” My tone was small and apologetic.

I
slowly started pulling away the hand that was still resting on his thigh. He quickly covered my hand with his, stopping retraction. We stared into each other’s eyes for what seemed like forever. We didn’t speak. Words were unnecessary. It was as if we were both aware that what I had just said was very true. I think Shawn was internally debating with himself as to what his next move ought to be. But, in typical Shawn fashion, he seemed content to just hold me. I felt safe. It was bliss to just be held by the precious friend by my side. Eventually, we both fell asleep in that position after nearly drowning in a sea of sexual tension.

~*~*~*~*~*~

The next morning, I woke up covered almost completely in a warm Shawn Burns-sized blanket and it felt like heaven. I felt a stiff poking on my thigh and had to stifle a chuckle. The vibration of my chest caused Shawn to stir and after a few beats he looked up at me with a smirk on his face.

“What’s so funny?”
He asked.

I
shook my head. “I’m just laughing at the irony of this situation.”

“What do you mean?”

“The fact that I actually got to sleep with you, without actually getting to sleep
with
you.”

We both laughed and I wrapped my arms around his neck for a hug.

After making us breakfast, Shawn made good on his promise to drop me home. I floated around my house in a daze still reeling from what almost happened with Shawn. I didn’t quite make contact with reality until Zena stopped by before her date with Mason. At first, Zena seemed overly excited about the date, giving me details about the "special night" Mason had promised her.

“He’s taking me to
Morton’s Steakhouse for dinner and then we’re going to see
Little Mermaid,
the play, and he got us a hotel room in the city,” Zena said excitedly.

I pushed back the urge to roll my eyes and pretended to be just as excited as she was.
The plan was for him to pick her up at my house and drop her back here tomorrow, and then she would spend the night at my place and carpool into work with me on Monday morning. The visit that was originally supposed to be just a few minutes long quickly turned into an hour.

“Has he contacted you yet?” I asked after I saw her check her watch for the fortieth time.

“No, not yet.” She frowned. “I’m assuming he’s caught up with something,” she said, making yet another excuse for him.

While we
spoke, Zena was constantly looking at her cell phone or typing up quick text messages. After two hours, I knew that Mason wasn't going to show up. Even though Zena didn't say anything, I knew that she knew it too. It broke my heart to see my friend settling for such an undeserving piece of trash. He was constantly letting her down, and after a few meaningless apologies, Zena always forgave him. Mason was like a sick drug addiction Zena couldn’t quit. Sure Zena felt good when they were together, high off whatever lies he was feeding her. But I knew that once the high wore off, and the true nature of their relationship reappeared, there was no way Zena could be happy with the way she was living. Especially since I had witnessed the hurt and tears first hand on one too many occasions.