Just Stay (10 page)

He looks sad as he says it, and Seb just stares at him. Somehow, it hurts him to imagine Evan feeling any of that.

"And before this happened," Jake adds. "Before he fucked up... I've never seen him like that, either."

Seb frowns.

"Like what?" he asks.

"Happy," Jake says, simply. "He talked about you a lot, smiled more than I've seen him do in a while. He was even writing music again, and I know for a fact that he's been creatively blocked for some time."

Jake quirks a smile at his own choice of words, but Seb barely notices. He's too busy trying not to fall over. Jake seems to notice that, and he smiles sympathetically.

"Like I said," he continues. "I don't know how he feels, or why he did what he did, or why he's acting this way. But I know my brother, and I'm just reading the signs. And I think it's worth a shot."

He looks at Seb pointedly, with that soft authority Seb has noticed him possess. And finally, Seb sighs.

"What should I do?" he says, surprising himself with his own surrender, and Jake smiles sagely.

"Talk to him," he says. "Or try, at least. What have you got to lose?"

Seb reluctantly realizes that Jake has a point; he feels like he has already lost Evan. Talking to him can't possibly make it worse. Apart from the fact that he hates talking about stuff like that, and really isn't a fan of confrontation.

Seb sighs heavily, and raises his eyebrows at Jake.

"You're gonna make an awesome lawyer."

Chapter 8

The Door

What is he doing here? Seriously, what the
hell i
s he doing here?

Never before has a door looked so daunting. It's nothing special; plain, a darker shade, made of wood. No, it's what was
behind
the door that makes Seb feel as though there is a heavy stone in his stomach.

He decided to take Jake's advice. He decided to try and talk to Evan, mostly because both he and Jake feel that Evan would never actually do it himself, regardless of how he feels. Yesterday, Seb even went so far as to write down what he wanted to say, but decided against actually bringing the piece of paper along with him when coming here.

Now, though, he's kind of regretting that decision. Even though he would have felt ridiculous and pathetic, reading from some kind of script, he would at least have been able to get out what he wanted to say.

Now, as he stands outside Evan's door, everything he feels, every ounce of articulate skill he has, seems to completely evaporate. All of a sudden, he's nothing but nervous. And not in a good way.

Seb supposes that he could have called Evan, or texted him, even, instead of doing the drastic thing and showing up at his door. But he knows, on some level, that this is the best approach. Despite how much he hates confrontation and actually discussing his feelings with another person, he knows that this is the only way he could actually go through with it. And, hopefully, talking face to face will force Evan into actually having some kind of conversation about this.

Seb takes a deep breath, willing himself to stay put and not run away, as he raises his hand and knocks on the door.

There is no response, at first, so Seb knocks again. And this time, he actually hears a very loud, frustrated sigh from inside the room, followed by the shuffling sound of someone moving about. His heart beats faster.

"Dammit, Jake, I don't―"

The moment Evan pulls open the door and sees Seb, he completely freezes, cutting off the gruff reprimand intended for his brother.

The only adjectives that Seb can think of when he sees Evan's face are
shocked
and
terrified
. Because that's how Evan is looking at him, swallowing hard, eyes wide.

But somehow, it makes Seb feel better to know that he's having at least some kind of effect on him.

"Hey," Seb says after a few moments of tense silence. And Evan just keeps staring at him, the shock and fear dissipating slightly, although not yet entirely gone.

"Hey," he eventually replies, his voice low. He's holding the door open with one hand, as though using it as a barrier between himself and Seb, and Seb can't help but eye him up and down very quickly.

He looks tired
, he thinks, with those dark shadows under his eyes. He's wearing jeans that are torn here and there, and a black t-shirt with a dark green, short sleeved button-up shirt open over it. There's light stubble on his face, from days of not shaving. It matches his light brown hair, which looks unusually ruffled. Seb stifles the urge to run his fingers through it.

"Do you mind?" Seb asks, deducing that Evan isn't going to invite him inside, himself. And he's honestly surprised when Evan almost immediately steps aside so he can enter.

Seb hesitantly steps into the room, Evan slowly closing the door behind him. It's funny, how he was almost worried that Evan wouldn't actually think there was a problem, that he would just laugh off the whole thing that happened between the two of them, and the way they have ignored each other ever since then. But he doesn't. It's obvious from his body language and manner that he knows exactly why Seb was here, and that there indeed is a problem.

Seb glances at Evan as he passes him, as he makes his way further into the room. Jake's choice of words come to mind, as he sees Evan's face and the way he carries himself.

Heartbroken.

It's oddly satisfying, and it makes him feel just the slightest bit hopeful.

"So," Evan says, shockingly being the first to speak. He turns around, but doesn't look at Seb. They are standing pretty much in the middle of the room, the afternoon sun giving the space a sort of golden haze. It lights Evan from behind, giving that halo-impression that reminds Seb of the time when Evan found him lying on that bench.

Beautiful.

"So," Seb repeats, in lack of anything else.
Shit
. How had he planned on doing this, again? He racks his brain, but can't find a smooth way of easing into it. So he just gets straight to the point, in his usual, awkward, but blunt manner.

"What the fuck?"

Okay, so maybe not straight to the point, per se. But Evan seems to get the idea, because he looks up at Seb then, the expression on his face saying that he knows exactly what Seb is referring to. He doesn't immediately answer, though. Instead, he shoves his hands in his pockets and glances away, clearly uncomfortable.

"I don't know," he says lamely, half-shrugging, and suddenly, Seb feels rather brave.

"That's not good enough," he finds himself saying, making Evan look up at him again, this time with a different, more pleading expression in his eyes;
Come on man, cut me some slack.
Seb can practically hear the words coming out of his mouth, just from that look.

"Well, I don't," Evan says, looking oddly lost for a moment. "I don't know."

Seb was feeling rather sympathetic towards Evan up until now, but he's quickly realizing that that sympathy is gradually being replaced by annoyance and frustration.

"You don't know?" he says, a hint of cynicism in his voice. "You kiss me, out of nowhere, and when I ask you about it,
you don't know
?"

Wow
. He did
not
expect to be so blunt about it. Just saying out loud that Evan
kissed
him, to Evan's
face
, is something he really hadn't thought he was ready for. His discomfort is nothing compared to how Evan looks, though.

"Dude, I―" he starts, as though scrambling to explain, and Seb feels the frustration bubble up again.

"Don't
dude
me," he says, frowning. "It doesn't cover it. It doesn't even begin to cover it."

Where the hell is this coming from? How could he have been so scared a moment ago, and now, he's suddenly speaking his mind?

"Well, what do you want me to say?" Evan says, almost matching his frustration, a frown on his face. "I
don't know
. I'm not saying that to be an asshole, I'm saying it because it's true!"

Seb is a bit taken aback by that.

"Don't know what?" he asks. He's actually getting a bit angry now. "Why you did it? Why you've been avoiding me? Dude, you won't even talk to me."

Evan grits his teeth, and for a moment, Seb thinks he sees something like hurt in those green eyes.

Maybe Jake was right
, he finds himself thinking, vaguely. Maybe it
was
the other way around. Maybe Evan does think that Seb was the one avoiding
him
.

"Last time I checked," Evan says bitterly, "you weren't talking to me, either."

And there. It seems that Jake was right, after all. But it doesn't matter.

"Seriously?" Seb says incredulously. "You can say that to me? After what you did? After you literally ran away to hide, and just left me there?"

The hurt is more obvious in Evan's eyes this time, and Seb realizes he hit a nerve. Well, if nothing else, it seems that Evan is at least fully aware of how shitty that behavior was.

"I'm sorry," he mutters, to Seb's surprise. "I panicked."

Seb just looks at him.

"Why?" he asks, and Evan glances away, his body language gradually changing, now. He's slowly looking less lost and more hard, as though replacing his hurt with anger.

"It was a bad idea," he says, his voice low, and Seb almost flinches. "That's all."

His words could have just as well been a sledgehammer, the way they make Seb mentally stagger.

"What?" he hears himself say, his voice weaker than he would like.

"What?" Evan repeats, his tone now annoyed and slightly pissed, rather than hurt and confused.

"I can't believe you just said that," Seb mumbles, saying his thoughts out loud, not really caring that it wasn't on purpose. Evan is frowning now.

"Why not?" he says, and Seb fumbles for the words.

"I just..." he says, unable to find any. "I―"

"Why do you even care?" Evan suddenly says, sounding angry and defensive, all of a sudden. "Why does it matter?"

"Because I like you!" Seb exclaims, shocked at the words coming out of his mouth.

It seems that he found some words, after all. And they hang there, suspended in the air between the them, and he hates it, regrets it immensely. But it's too late now. The words are out there, and they're true. Seb might as well make the best of it.

"I really like you," he continues, angry exasperation in his voice, mixed up with hurt. "In... that way. And you
know
that. You
must
know that."

He pauses for a moment, letting out a deep, shaky breath. The words are coming to him easily now, flowing out of his mouth as he expresses these feelings for the first time.

"And that's what kills me," he says, his voice more subdued and softer. "You must know how I feel, and you still keep doing this to me."

He's not entirely sure what he means Evan is doing to him, exactly. Maybe this. Maybe standing there, looking all adorable and lost and beautiful. Maybe making Seb feel this way, making him fall for him more and more ever since they first met. He doesn't know.

He pauses long enough then to see the reaction on Evan's face. It's a rather stiff one, as though Evan is suddenly having some inner battle about whether or not he should actually talk, or just push Seb away, both literally and figuratively. It's unbearable.

"Say something," Seb says, surprised at how his voice sounds almost desperate, rather than weak. But Evan doesn't move, and he doesn't say a word. So Seb's frustration and panic finally gets the better of him.

Seb only has time to think,
fuck it
, before he suddenly covers the distance between them and grabs the scruff of Evan's shirt to pull him closer. It's more a matter of pulling him
self
closer, perhaps, seeing as how Evan has turned into some immovable rock, but it doesn't matter. It brings him close enough to plant a hard, deliberate kiss on Evan's mouth, one that only lasts a moment, before he pulls away again.

"Tell me you don't want that," he hears himself say, with a kind of courage he has never really felt before, trying to keep himself from kissing Evan again, longer and harder this time. "Tell me, to my face, that you don't want me, and I'll go. And I promise I'll never bother you again."

He's shocked at the words coming out of his mouth. Seb has never really been much for confrontation, but somehow, this feels important. This is
really
important, and he needs to swallow down his own insecurities for just a moment. He needs to know, he needs the closure. He needs to know if he should just walk away right now, before the whole thing gets even more painful. Although, he doubts that it could get more painful.

He's wrong.

The hard expression on Evan's face looks almost like anger, and he doesn't say a word. So Seb deliberately hides the way it feels as though a cold knife has just been shoved into his stomach, and especially how it feels as though someone is slowly twisting it around. It's a pain that's unbelievably physical, and he swallows hard, slowly letting go of Evan's shirt.

Seb exhales slowly, in something like a sigh, one that shakes more than he wants it to. He doesn't want Evan to see him like this, doesn't want
anyone
to see him like this. He just wants to run and hide away and never have to see Evan again. Even though that sounds like the most horrible, most painful thing he can think of.

But Seb isn't an idiot. And he isn't about to stand here and act like one.

"Right," he musters, barely even looking at Evan, who still hasn't said a word and who still hasn't moved a muscle. He's taller than Seb, but Seb has never felt so small compared to him. "I get it."

Seb looks down at the floor, a very uncomfortable lump in his throat. He doesn't trust himself to speak, so he doesn't. Instead, he just turns around and makes his way toward the door. It's a small room, and he covers the distance more quickly than he would have wanted; this is going to be his last time in Evan's room, and he wants to have more time to savor it, to breathe in the scent of him, one last time.