Just Stay (11 page)

But he can't. Not this time.

Seb slowly moves his hand to open the door, fully focused on not falling apart, when he finally hears Evan speak.

"I don't―" he tries, before sighing, annoyed. For once, it seems that Evan Matthews doesn't know what to say.

But Seb doesn't turn around, even though his hand has frozen, resting on the door's handle. Just the fact that Evan is saying anything at all right now is more than he could have hoped for.

"I'm not―"

Seb can picture it, can picture that frustrated frown on Evan's face, as he searches for the right words. Then comes another frustrated sigh, and a few hesitant, shuffling steps.

"I'm not good at this," Evan mutters gruffly. He has started moving towards Seb, toward the door, very slowly. "The whole... feelings-thing."

Seb resists the urge to glance over his shoulder.

"And this hasn't happened before," Evan continues. "This... thing."

Seb does look over his shoulder then, only to see Evan gesturing vaguely and awkwardly between them. He's standing rather close now, right behind Seb, really. He's frowning, as though this whole thing is just very difficult and bothersome. But he's still trying.

"What?" Seb asks carefully, trying to tone down the defensiveness in his voice. Evan sighs in frustration, again.

"This," he says, nodding at the space between them. Seb bitterly thinks of how Evan has never been more eloquent, as Evan shoves his hands in his pockets. "Whatever this is. It's never happened before. I don't know what to do with it."

Seb blinks. Evan looks so unbelievably uncomfortable. And then Seb catches what he said.

"Never?" he asks hesitantly, frowning, and Evan glances away.

"This," he repeats, as though annoyed that Seb doesn't get exactly what he means with that one, single word. "Feeling like this. It's never happened before."

Seb feels happy for a split second, but then gets the weirdest sinking sensation in his stomach, as though somehow disappointed.

"With a guy, you mean?" he asks, terrified of the answer, hoping that Evan is talking about reciprocated feelings, rather than being on the receiving end of unrequited ones. Seb doesn't know what to expect, and he's terrified.

But Evan surprises him, like he so often does, by shaking his head ever so little.

"No," he mutters, looking as though he's trying to avoid Seb's eyes and focus on them, at the same time. "Not just that. I mean
ever
.
Never.
"

And just like that, Seb's heart surges into a double beat that's weirdly uncomfortable, and he turns around completely, his eyes on Evan. Evan is still avoiding looking at him, swallowing nervously, hands in his pockets, a frown on his face. Seb has never seen him like this before. He has never seen him so... discomposed.

Is Evan saying what he thinks he's saying? Is he, by some miracle,
not
pushing Seb away? Maybe even doing the opposite? And more than that, is he saying that he has never felt this way about anyone else? At all?

It makes Seb feel uncomfortable and scared and excited, and he clears his throat slightly, for no real reason at all.

"I'm gonna need more to go on," he says, in an awkward attempt at his usual, sarcastic self, failing miserably. He looks down at the floor. "I just need you to be straight with me."

Normally, he would have rolled his eyes at his particular choice of words, or at least seen the irony in them, but not right now. Right now, Seb is too scared to do anything, really, apart from breathing. He looks up at Evan.

"I just need to know," he says.

He watches Evan for several, long seconds, but gets no reply. At least Evan is looking at him, though, but just barely, clearly trying not to. And that sinking feeling comes over Seb again, as Evan says nothing.

But this time, there is frustration there, too. Frustration at Evan's apparent inability to speak his mind and say what he actually feels.

And so Seb follows his impulse after all, the one that is such a fundamental part of his behavior; he doesn't say a word, just shakes his head slightly, and rolls his eyes.

And Evan makes a sound that resembles a muffled groan, as he covers the distance between them.

The sudden kiss is brief, but intense, and Seb barely has time to register what's happening, before Evan pulls away again. He places his forehead against Seb's, moving his hand up to hold his chin firmly between his fingers, and Seb realizes that they're both breathing rather heavily, despite the very short time the kiss lasted. His head is spinning from the sheer intensity of it, not to mention utter shock.

"If you roll your eyes at me again," Evan says huskily, his eyes closed, "I swear to god."

Seb takes a deep breath, mouth half-open, Evan's fingers still gripping his chin, eyes open in pure shock. He watches as Evan pulls away just far enough to open his eyes and lock their gazes. Those eyes are suddenly fierce. Unsure, scared even, but fierce.

"Okay," Seb breathes, at loss for words, and Evan keeps his unusually piercing gaze on him for a few more moments. And then he forces up Seb's chin with his fingers, lowering his mouth so that it can crash into his.

The effect is immediate. Seb vaguely thinks of their first kiss, how soft and sweet it was, relatively innocent. This one isn't like that.

It doesn't even take a second for Seb to reciprocate the kiss, closing his eyes and melting into it, and he hears Evan sigh against him as he moves his body closer, dropping his hand from Seb's chin to move it to his waist. Seb feels their chests pressing together, Evan's stubble against his face, as he suddenly pushes against Seb with such force that Seb backs into the closed door behind him, leaving him caught between it and Evan. And he feels trapped. But it's the sweetest feeling in the world.

It is odd how, even though Seb has never been with a guy before, this doesn't feel the slightest bit weird. Maybe it's because Evan isn't just a guy, not just a person Seb normally never would have seen that way. No, this is
Evan
. And
Evan
is another thing entirely.

It's also odd, how they were fighting just moments ago, Seb's heart broken and bleeding. And now this is happening. Seb would have been confused if he weren't so distracted.

Seb feels an overwhelming need to touch Evan,
all
of Evan, to feel his hands on his body―but he's hesitant. What if Evan changes his mind again? What if he pulls away again and runs, just like he did last time?

Whatever doubts Seb has, though, are whisked away when he feels Evan practically press him up against the closed door, hands moving down along his body and settling on his hips, one hand moving down to his ass. This time, Seb figures that his hard-on is less embarrassing, especially when he feels how Evan is having the same reaction. And the way Evan pushes his tongue into his mouth isn't helping, reducing Seb to a shivering mess.

But it gives him the push he needs.

Evan's hair is soft against his fingers, as he cards them through it, settling at the back of his head and gripping his hair tightly, giving in to the impulse he had earlier, when Evan opened the door. He earns a groan of surprised pleasure from Evan, who uses his hands to pull Seb even closer, slowly starting to grind against him, making Seb's skin catch fire, as he stays firmly trapped between Evan and the door behind him. He can't believe this is happening. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he can't help but feel as though he's going to wake up from some dream any moment, only to find that he never even met Evan in the first place.

But he did. And this really
is
happening.

Seb moans absently, sliding his free hand down Evan's body and slipping it in underneath his shirt, where he
finally
gets to touch his skin. It's burning hot, and he feels Evan tense up as he touches him, feels his grip tighten on Seb's body, as he groans against his lips. It's all too much, and it's not nearly enough.

Seb isn't entirely sure how long they've been at it―it could be seconds or minutes or hours, for all he cares―when there is a knock at the door. It makes them both jump, pausing for a moment, pulling apart.

Seb glances at the door which he's currently pressed up against, then glances up at Evan, who frowns a bit. Seb raises his eyebrows at him, but he just shakes his head, as though saying that if they don't make a sound, maybe whoever is knocking will leave. But the knock comes again, and even though they don't move a muscle, their plan seems futile.

"Evan," comes Jake's voice from the other side. "I know you're in there. Come on."

Evan makes a face, as though cursing inside his head.

"Not a good time, Jake," he says, and Seb glances between him and the door.

"Come on, man," Jake says. "I need to talk to you."

Evan looks very uncomfortable, and Seb waits, his entire body practically vibrating with impatience. His hand is still underneath Evan's t-shirt, and he absently moves it downwards, slowly. The reaction from Evan is immediate, as he tenses up.

"Can't it wait?" he gets out, and Seb leans in an plants a soft kiss by his throat, making Evan grit his teeth. He actually closes his eyes as Seb slowly kisses up along his neck, squeezing them shut, as though trying to focus.

"Not really," Jake says, oblivious to what he's interrupting, and Seb feels his impatience grow, his hand slipping underneath the hem of Evan's jeans, down over his ass, feeling the soft fabric of his boxers against his fingers. Evan's grip on Seb tightens, as he leans his forehead against the door, exhaling slowly, heavily. Seb's kisses aren't as soft anymore, eagerly tasting Evan's skin.

"Look, I just―" Jake says, and suddenly, it's just too much.

"Really not a good time, Jake," Seb exclaims without thinking, and several seconds of stunned silence follow, from Seb and Evan, as well as Jake. Then, finally, Jake speaks from the other side of the door.

"Never mind," he says shortly, as though suddenly awkward, and Seb relaxes as he hears his hurried steps disappear down the hall outside. Evan chuckles.

"Shit," he says. "Timing, man."

Seb murmurs in agreement, as Evan's hands press against him firmly.

"Maybe it's for the best, though," he says after a few moments, making Evan pull back and look at him.

"What do you mean?" he asks, looking oddly anxious. Seb can't help but quirk his mouth in a smile.

"It's a bit much, don't you think?" he says, glancing down at the general closeness of their bodies, and Evan cocks his head.

"Maybe," he says, before looking at Seb pointedly. "Not that I mind."

"I'm gonna agree with you, there," Seb says, and Evan smiles crookedly at him.

"But...?" he says, and Seb fidgets a bit. He can't believe he's saying this, especially seeing as how he's vibrating with impatient want and suppressed emotion, at this point. But still. He feels like he wants to slow this down, make it last.

"But," he says, honestly feeling a bit silly, "maybe we should take it down a notch. Don't want to rush into anything."

They look at each other for a few moments, and suddenly, the heat of what they were just doing is slightly punctuated by some kind of awkwardness.

"I mean," Seb continues, trying not to blush with embarrassment. "I've never... You know. With a guy, I mean."

Evan swallows, nodding. He looks oddly shy.

"Yeah," he says gruffly. "Me neither."

Seb finds himself smiling a little at that; it makes him feel a bit better to know that Evan is as new as he is, when it comes to that particular matter. And just like that, it's as though they both decide to just stop, or at least slow down. At least for now. Because there is no way in hell they aren't going to do this again, but right now isn't the time.

"So..." Seb says, after several moments of silence. "
SoulCalibur
?"

He curses in his head at this stupid, utterly ridiculous and lame suggestion, but Evan just smiles; it's that new smile, the happy, soft one, that suddenly makes Seb feel somehow adorable.

Evan leans in and places the softest kiss imaginable on Seb's mouth, before pulling away just a little bit.

"Sound like a plan."

Chapter 9

Drugs

Seb taps his notepad with his pen, quickly and erratically, trying to focus. He's sitting at his desk, lecture notes and books spread out in front of him, but his mind just keeps wandering. He knew it was a bad idea to study with Evan nearby; it takes all he has not to turn around and just watch him, as he lies there, sprawled on Seb's bed.

"Do you always do that?" Evan asks, and Seb glances over his shoulder, consciously not lingering. Seeing Evan on his bed does things to him, after all.

"What?" he asks.

"That," Evan clarifies. "The tapping thing. It's distracting."

"
You're
distracting," Seb mutters, marveling in his own, biting comeback, and Evan chuckles.

"It can't be that bad," he says, and Seb sighs, turning a page of his book.

"Drugs
aren't
that bad, I suppose," he says lightly, and he can practically
sense
Evan smiling, from across the room.

"Did you just compare me to drugs?" he says, sounding amused, and Seb feels a tug at the corner of his mouth.

"So what if I did?" he says, and Evan pauses.

"Good drugs or bad drugs?" he asks, and Seb frowns.

"What?" he says, and Evan clarifies.

"Well," he says, "drugs, as in awesome happy-time drugs? Or drugs, as in hair-falling-out, losing-weight kind of drugs?"

Seb is lost for words at Evan's question, at least for a moment. He looks over his shoulder, catching a glimpse of Evan's almost childishly pleased expression and ruffled hair.
Damn
, he's hot.

"The good kind," Seb says, a small smile on his face, as he turns back to his schoolwork. "Although, the hair-falling-out and losing-weight part wouldn't surprise me, considering how little sleep I've been getting lately."

Evan doesn't reply to that, and Seb takes the opportunity to refocus his attention, at least for a couple of minutes. It's a completely futile attempt, though, because suddenly, he feels Evan's hands settling on his shoulders, from behind, before slowly smoothing down over his chest.