Just Stay (9 page)

Seb is sitting at his desk, trying desperately to focus on his lecture notes. But it's impossible. He feels as though he's reading them through a haze, leaving him feeling numb and subdued. He feels like he isn't even sad anymore; he's just tired.

He actually cried that night, after holding on to that lump in his throat until he was safely within the walls of his own room. He actually cried. Not much, mind you, seeing as how Seb has never been big on crying, but still. It seemed like the only possible outlet for what he was feeling, the only possible way of getting it out of his system. And it helped, at least for a little while. He hasn't cried again since then. He can't bring himself to.

The sun is setting outside, casting a pleasant, golden glow on the walls of his cluttered room, but Seb is completely lost on the beauty. It just isn't relevant.

He isn't lost on the knock on his door, though, and he slowly turns his gaze over to it, complete and utter disinterest on his face. It's amazing how often he's been getting visitors these past few weeks, ever since he first met Evan.

And
ouch
. There is that pain again.

Seb slowly gets up from his desk and shuffles over to the door, his bare feet not making much noise, and he opens the door to let his gaze fall on the person standing outside. It's Jake. And as he sees Seb, he actually looks a bit concerned.

"Hey, Seb," he says, not voicing said concern. It's obvious by his expression, though, that Seb clearly looks worse than he thought. "What's up?"

Seb shrugs lamely.
Hell
, he feels like saying.
I've barely slept, and all food tastes like cardboard. I haven't had a proper emotion in the last two days. I feel like there's a festering wound in my chest that I can't stop poking at, because it hurts when I do, and at least that's something.

"Not much," he says, his voice flat and devoid of its usual sarcasm and dry humor. He's sure Jake notices, because he sets his brow in a concerned frown, pressing his lips together.

"Can I come in?" he says after a few moments, to Seb's surprise, and the spontaneous reaction is
no
. But there is just something about Jake, something so pure and kind, as though he just radiates helpfulness and concern and comfort. And Seb finds himself opening the door wider and stepping away, making his way back into his room. Jake follows, closing the door behind him, and for a few seconds, there is nothing but silence.

"How you doing, Seb?" Jake asks, but Seb doesn't answer him right away. Instead, he starts fiddling with a pen that's lying on his desk. He doesn't look at Jake, just stands there, keeping his eyes down, and a few more seconds of silence follow.

"Look, I don't know what's up with you and Evan," Jake finally says, straight to the point, and Seb actually clenches his fist. Of course Jake has noticed that something is wrong. "But he's been acting... weird."

"Weird, how?" Seb hears himself ask, completely against his will.

"He's... angry," Jake says, sounding strangely old and sad, like the word holds more meaning that Seb knows. "But he won't say why. He'll barely talk to me. Won't even talk to Sophie."

He pauses, as though waiting for Seb to say something, but he doesn't. He just starts organizing the pen he's fiddling with together with his other pens, instead.

"Did something happen?" Jake asks, and Seb swallows.
Did
something happen? How much does Jake know, if anything? Seb feels certain that Evan hasn't told him anything. And so, Jake is coming to Seb.

"Why are you asking me?" Seb says, putting the first pen into the empty cup he uses to hold pens and scissors and such. It's got
the Avengers
plastered all over it; he got in when he went to see the movie in the theater, when it first came out.

"Because when I ask him about you," Jake says, softly but pointedly, "he bites my head off."

Seb feels his fingers tighten uncomfortably around the pen he's holding, and he has a feeling that Jake notices; he really isn't wearing the best poker face right now. And he is usually so good at it, too.

It's quiet for several more seconds, and Seb can tell from the way Jake says his next words that he's standing with his eyes averted slightly, as though unsure.

"Seb," Jake finally says, hesitantly. "Can I ask you something?"

Seb doesn't answer him. He doesn't want Jake to ask him something, doesn't want him to ask
any
thing. Because whatever it is, it can't possibly help the way he's feeling right now. But Jake takes his silence as permission.

"You like Evan, right?" he asks, and Seb glances at him. It's a perfectly reasonable, innocent question, if you ignore the fact that it makes Seb emotionally double over in pain. It sounds a lot like the one Sophie asked him that one time.

"Sure," he says flatly. "I tend to not hang out with people I don't like."

He doesn't mention how he and Evan haven't hung out in days. But of course, Jake already knows that.

Jake's expression doesn't change, as though Seb didn't answer his question, but Seb just goes back to what he was doing. It's silent for a few moments, before he hears Jake take a deep, steadying breath.

"Seb, are you in love with my brother?"

And there it is.

A blow to the head would have been easier to deal with, a giant punch in the gut, even. Because even though Seb feared this question, in some form or other, he's so incredibly,
wildly
unprepared for it. And so, he just stands there, frozen, staring into thin air, his brain working manically to think of something,
anything
, to say, his face suddenly cold as though all the blood has drained from it. But then he realizes that there is no use.

"Don't ask me that, Jake," he finds himself saying, his voice oddly sad, heavier and more flat than he's used to hearing, and he's surprised at his own honesty. Or rather, his avoidance of the question instead of flat-out denial.

Jake seems surprised, but at the same time not. Seb can feel it, even without looking at him. He keeps his dark blue eyes focused on his hands, instead, trying very hard not to simply fall over. His fingers suddenly feel stiff and cold. Then Jake clears his throat a little bit.

"Okay," he says, but it's clear that he caught Seb's real, underlying answer;
Yes, I am.

Neither of them speaks for a few seconds, just standing there in complete silence, on opposite sides of the room.

"Have you told him?" Jake finally says, softly, and Seb sighs.

"Not exactly," he says, relieved and terrified at the same time, that someone finally knows about this. Hell, he didn't even really know, himself, until just a few days ago. He didn't get it.
Idiot.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that I haven't told him," Seb clarifies. "But..."

The sudden image of Evan's face shows up in his mind's eye, his eyes green and glazed over, scanning across Seb's face, his lips, moving closer. The feel of those calloused fingers against his face, that warm touch against his leg, his waist. Those lips, tentatively pressing against his own, with such soft urgency that it makes Seb shiver just thinking about it.

"But, what?" Jake asks, and Seb glances at him briefly, suddenly very uneasy about this whole thing.

"He―" he starts, trying to think of way of phrasing it that won't sound ridiculous and unbelievable, but failing miserably. He swallows hard, face actually heating up, all that drained blood rushing back. "He may have kissed me."

The shock is complete and obvious this time, in Jake's expression.

"May have?" he finally asks, and Seb sighs quietly.

"As in, he did." He can't look at Jake. "The other night."

Jake doesn't say a word for several seconds. He's probably trying to wrap his head around it, Seb figures. Trying to wrap his head around the concept of his rather butch, womanizing big brother kissing another guy, instead of some hot girl he would usually go for. And then, finally, Jake speaks.

"But..." he says, hesitantly. "Isn't that a good thing?"

Seb looks at him, a bit incredulously.

"I mean," Jake elaborates, when he sees Seb's face. "If you have feelings for him, and he... kissed you."

It's obvious that he's a bit uncomfortable talking about it, but he tries. Bless him.

"Doesn't that mean something?"

Seb laughs bitterly, an equally bitter smile on his face.

"Yeah," he says. "But he was wasted at the time, so I hardly think it counts. Not to mention the fact that he pulled away and looked like he had made the biggest mistake of his life."

He looks at Jake pointedly, and immediately sees the sadness in his eyes. Seb knows Evan―and Jake―well enough by now to understand that Evan has a bit of a drinking problem, among other things. It's something that clearly bothers Jake, and something that makes him nearly constantly worry about his brother, even on top of whatever other issues he may have. And so, he understands what Seb means.

"Still, though," he tries. "You should talk to him."

Seb utters another bitter laugh.

"Have you
met
Evan?" he asks. "Jake, he's not exactly the type."

Jake cocks his head in agreement, but has more to say.

"He's also not the type to kiss other guys." His words sound somehow harsh, but the pointed, sympathetic look he gives Seb softens them, and Seb looks away. Jake exhales.

"And speaking of," he says, hesitantly, trying to pick the right words. "I didn't know you were―"

"I'm not," Seb exclaims, a bit too quickly, as he looks up at Jake. Then he slows down. "I'm not. I mean, I've never..."

He thinks about it, trying to think of a good way of putting it.

"I've never really been into guys," he finally says. "I've maybe had the occasional crush, at most, but nothing serious. I've just never seen myself that way."

He looks down at his desk. It's true; he has never felt this way about a guy, never been with a guy. Hell, he has never even kissed a guy. Evan was his first, drunk or not. And he supposes that if you take away all the circumstances and bullshit that followed, it was a very good first kiss.

But still, he has always seen himself as straight, maybe slightly curious, at most. He supposes that that's why it took him so long to actually realize how he really felt about Evan. That he's more than just a friend to Seb, even if Evan doesn't feel that way about him. Because Evan really is as straight as they come, he thinks bitterly, with that seemingly never-ending parade of girls he has been with.

But then why did you kiss me, Evan?
The thought comes unbidden and suddenly, ripping up that wound all over again.
Why would you do that to me?

"Either way," Seb says after a few moments. "I really don't think he sees me like that."

Jake actually raises his eyebrows then.

"He kissed you, Seb," he says plainly, and Seb tries not to wince. "
Kissed
you."

"He kisses a lot of people," Seb says bitterly. Girls, granted, but still.

"Only girls," Jake points out again, and Seb sighs, a little annoyed.

"So I'm not a girl," he says, some of his trademark sarcasm and cynicism creeping back into his voice. Jake notices, because he smiles briefly. "Considering everything else, how is that relevant here?"

Jake thinks about it for a moment, before he cocks his head.

"Fair enough," he says, taking a few steps closer to Seb. "If you want to see it that way."

He approaches the desk and leans against its edge, folding his arms.

"But let me point out something else, then," he says, and Seb watches him. "I've never seen him act like this before. I don't care if you're a guy or a girl, or whether or not either of you normally does this kind of thing. He's never been like this before."

Seb frowns, reluctantly curious.

"Been like this?" he asks, and Jake sighs, thinking, before he looks up at Seb.

"Heartbroken," he says, and the single word gives Seb the strangest feeling in his stomach. "He's heartbroken, Seb."

"I find that hard to believe," Seb mutters, and Jake actually smiles a bit.

"He may be a bit of an asshole, sometimes," he admits, the affection he holds for his brother clear in his voice. "But it's not like he doesn't have feelings. Trust me."

Seb glances at him, and the suspicion must be written all over his face, because Jake actually chuckles as he sees it.

"What's so funny?" Seb says, and Jake shakes his head. He doesn't look amused; he looks content.

"Nothing," he says. He's swerving around Seb's injured feelings and pride very well.

Several seconds of silence follow, as Seb thinks about what Jake just said. Evan is heartbroken? Out of all the scenarios Seb could think of to apply to this situation, that's the least likely one, in his mind.

"So," Jake says. "You gonna talk to him?"

Seb gives him his expertly executed
are you kidding me
-look.

"He's the one who won't talk to me," he says. "He clearly regrets what he did and now he won't see me. I really can't see how it would help if I tried talking to him, when he's so obviously avoiding me."

Jake nods, as though considering it all.

"Maybe," he says diplomatically. "Or maybe he thinks you freaked out about what he did, and won't talk to
him
."

Seb just stares at him. He hadn't even thought of that. Mostly because it seems so ridiculously unlikely, but still.

"So," he says slowly, "let me get this straight. You think he's under the impression that I won't talk to
him
, when he's the one who acted like he did?"

Jake shrugs.

"I'm saying it's worth a shot," he replies, and when Seb looks uncomfortable, he straightens.

"Look," he says. "I don't know how you guys feel about each other. I don't know the details of what happened, or why he won't talk to you, or why he kissed you."

He looks Seb right in the eyes, sincere concern and something like pleading written all over his face.

"But I do know," he continues, "that I've never seen my brother like this before. I've never seen him broken up like this, never seen him look so... lonely."