Just Stay (8 page)

Seb doesn't answer him, only watches as Evan picks up the beer can on the floor next to him, lifting it to his lips. He takes a swig, apparently emptying it, because he then sets it down again and reaches for a new one. There is a six pack standing on the floor nearby, and he has already had two cans of beer, Seb only one. Actually, Seb hasn't even really finished his yet.

Seb feels weirdly apprehensive as he watches Evan open his third can in two hours and take a swig.

"Maybe you should slow down a bit," he says, trying to sound light, rather than reprimanding. He has slowly started realizing that Evan gets drunk pretty often. If nothing else, he
drinks
pretty often. The first time they met, going out for beers in the middle of the day after that, then the party... Half the time Seb has spent with Evan, he seems to have been drinking, and he honestly isn't sure how he feels about that.

Suddenly, he can't really blame Jake for worrying about his big brother, and Sophie's words come to him.

"He needs more friends like you."

But Evan only shrugs, setting the beer can down to fiddle with his guitar, and Seb decides that now probably isn't the time to talk about it. If it ever is, if he even has the right to talk to Evan about something like that. He just really cares, he realizes. He
really
cares about Evan, and he wants him to be okay.

"So how'd your parents feel about it," Evan asks, and Seb blinks, refocusing. It's obvious from the way Evan is talking that he's getting pretty drunk, at this point. "Wanting to be a writer."

Seb sighs.

"Not much," he says tiredly. "My dad didn't like it, still doesn't. My mom thinks it's 'too bad' that that's what I want to do, but she also says that I 'have a gift'. And this school is a pretty good one, so at least their son is getting a nice, fancy college education."

Evan smiles at that, and Seb finds himself smiling at the sight of it.

"What about you?" he asks. "What do your parents have to say about your career choice?"

It's almost as though he can feel the sudden tension emit from Evan in waves, and he actually stiffens, waiting for a reply. He can see Evan's jaw working, and for a moment, Seb feels as though he has intruded.

"You don't―" he starts, but Evan cuts him off.

"It's fine," he says, sounding subdued and intoxicated. "It's a valid question."

Seb waits, and Evan seems to deliberate for a few moments.

"My mom doesn't think anything about it," he finally says. "She died when I was a kid. But I like to think she would have supported me."

Seb feels surprised, but at the same time not. He suddenly remembers that first night in his room, when Evan came barging in through the door.

"Yeah, she was."

He had a distinct feeling then that this was what Evan referred to, but he never mentioned it.

"I'm sorry," he says gently. Evan smiles bitterly.

"It's okay," he says. "It was years ago."

He fiddles with his guitar some more, before he swallows hard.

"My dad," he says. "He's not too happy about it. Then again, he's never happy about anything. He's just angry."

Seb doesn't say anything, as Evan picks up his beer can and swallows deeply, emptying at least a fourth of it in one go. Seb doesn't like that. He doesn't like that Evan seems to have such an easy time getting drunk, that he does it on a Tuesday night, while hanging out with a friend, as though it's the most natural, routine thing in the world.

Then again, Evan hasn't done that these past few days, when they hung out this weekend. Seb can't help but wonder if there is something bothering him, this time.

"He's a bit of an asshole, actually," Evan continues, and Seb can tell that he wouldn't be sharing this much if he hadn't been drinking. It feels really personal. "Going to college, moving away from home... It's the best thing I've ever done. That, and getting Jake out of there."

Seb swallows. He knows that Evan and Jake are close, but there seems to be more to the story. Whatever it is, though, Evan doesn't seem to want to talk about it, because he suddenly changes the subject.

"So," he says, his tone considerably lighter, albeit still drunk. That third beer is starting to have quite the effect on him, especially as he swallows down a whole lot more it as he pauses. "You gonna call that girl? Clara?"

Seb raises his eyebrows in pure surprise.

"What?" he says, and Evan half-shrugs.

"Just asking," he says. "She seems into you. Kissing you and giving you her number. Doesn't get much more obvious than that."

Seb doesn't answer him right away. Evan's words are making him oddly uncomfortable.

"I don't know," he says, but as he says it, he knows he's lying. He isn't going to call her. He doesn't even want to. It's so far from his mind that he forgot about it until Evan brought it up.

Seb slowly sits up properly, swinging his legs over the couch's edge, so that he's sitting pretty much next to Evan, except higher up, while Evan stays on the floor.

"Who are you to tell me that, anyway?" he says jokingly. "When was the last time you hooked up with anyone?"

It was meant as a joke, seeing as how Evan constantly seems to hook up with girls―that's even how Seb first met him, after all, even the second time around. But Evan just becomes weirdly quiet. Seb frowns, but doesn't push it.

"Fine," he says. "If you think I should call her, I guess I should."

"I don't," Evan mutters, and Seb looks down at him.

"What?" he says, and Evan glances up at him, his eyes getting that glazed look they get when he's been drinking.

"I don't," he repeats, some odd kind of conviction in his voice, and Seb just stares at him.

"Why not?" he asks, somehow scared of the answer. Why should Evan even care if he hooks up with Clara, or with anyone, for that matter? Hell, when Clara kissed him at that party, Evan practically gave him a high five.

But Evan doesn't answer right away. Instead, he looks a bit lost for a moment, as though thinking and trying to come up with an answer. He puts the guitar down on the floor next to him.

"Maybe she's not good for you," he says, getting up on his knees and swallowing down the last of his beer. He's swaying a bit now, and Seb watches him apprehensively.

"Not good for me?" he repeats, confused at Evan's odd choice of words. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Evan sighs, as he moves over so that he's sitting right in front of Seb, on the floor.

"Just so," he says. Seb frowns.

"You're not making any sense," he says, suddenly uncomfortably aware of how his heart is speeding up. This is very out of character for Evan, all of it. It doesn't help to know that it's probably almost entirely due to his alcohol intake.

"Evan?" Seb says, but Evan doesn't answer. Instead, he just moves closer, until he's sitting really close to the couch's edge. The thing is, he moves so that he's sitting between Seb's knees, to get there, and Seb swallows hard.

This isn't happening. This
can't
be happening.

Seb has the intention of saying something, anything, but he feels as though he's completely frozen. He wonders if he looks as terrified as he suddenly feels, and he watches Evan's eyes as they scan his face. While standing on his knees like that, and with Seb slouching slightly as he sits, Evan reaches roughly up to Seb's chin, and he keeps their gazes locked as he places one hand on Seb's leg. He doesn't seem to have done it consciously, but all the same, it makes a hot shiver run through Seb's entire body, heart thumping violently against his ribcage, and he practically flinches.

Evan is so close, so very close. He's right there. Seb can smell him, can feel how that touch burns hot through his jeans... And how he's suddenly getting the most embarrassing and unexpected hard-on, because of it.

"Evan," he breathes, as though that might stop the whole thing and get him away from this terrifying, exhilarating situation. But it doesn't. Instead, he just lets out a quiet gasp as Evan reaches up and kisses him.

Seb has never kissed a guy. Girls, yes, several times, despite his socially awkward nature. After all. girls tend to find that
adorable
, he has realized, at least on the surface. But guys? Boys? Never. And honestly, it has never really occurred to him that he might want to.

Evan is the exception.

Seb feels the most wonderful shiver run through his entire body, as he feels Evan's lips against his own, their touch so soft he feels as though they might disappear forever if he moves just a fraction of an inch.

It's amazing how he has never really thought about this happening, not consciously, has never really imagined it or dreamt about it, but it can still feel like this. It can still feel as though it's something he has always wanted,
always
wished for, and for a moment, he just sits there, marveling at the whole thing.

And then, he kisses Evan back.

The kiss hasn't lasted longer than a second, but it feels like longer. Long enough for Seb to feel suspended in time, and long enough for him to feel, for just a moment, as though he can't really remember what life was like
before
he kissed Evan Matthews.

And what a kiss it is. So soft, so tentative, but with a kind of restrained greed that makes his whole body shiver, and Seb closes his eyes. He can feel Evan's fingers moving up to lightly trace the outline of his jaw, can feel how their noses brush against each other the slightest bit, how his own hand trails down along Evan's chest and lightly grips the fabric of his button-up shirt between his fingers. He can't breathe. He doesn't want to. If he breathes, all of this might disappear, like a fleeting puff of smoke.

He's surprised to feel Evan moving even closer, his hand moving up along Seb's leg, over his hips and to his waist, where Evan stops to press his palm against him, through the thin fabric of his t-shirt. Seb inhales sharply, gripping Evan's shirt tighter. He's really hoping Evan hasn't noticed how he's getting hard, really hoping that his jeans are decent enough to keep that down enough to go unseen.

It feels so good, though, all of it. Evan's lips are soft and sweet, unbelievably so, and it doesn't even matter that he tastes of beer.

Evan's hands on him, Seb feeling the muscles underneath Evan's clothes as he touches his chest and shoulders... It just feels so
good
. So much so, that Seb can't help but emit the smallest moan against Evan's lips. And just like that, Evan freezes up.

Slowly, very slowly, he pulls his mouth away from Seb's, his eyes opening and suddenly looking oddly confused, and Seb doesn't move.

What's happening? Why is he stopping?
What's wrong?

Evan doesn't say anything for several seconds, just looks at him, as he slowly moves his hands away from Seb, as well. Then, suddenly, he stands up, leaving Seb sitting there, feeling flustered and hot and confused and disappointed, his mouth half-open as he stares into space. Then he looks up at Evan, who is wearing an expression of confused shock, and for some reason, it breaks Seb's heart, makes it stop beating entirely for what feels like several moments.

"I..." Evan murmurs, clearing his throat and looking anywhere but at Seb. He still has those glazed-over eyes, still drunk, but apparently starting to come back to his senses. He just realized he was kissing Seb.
Kissing
him. And Seb is suddenly acutely aware of an oddly physical, intense pain in his chest.

"I should..." Evan says, trailing off, and he glances at Seb, before moving away. He then walks into the bathroom and locks the door behind him.

Seb just sits there for several seconds, before letting out a deep, shaky breath. What the hell just happened?

Evan kissed him, out of nowhere. And then Evan  pulled away. He pulled away from him, with that look on his face.

Seb has never been much of a crier, but this lump in his throat and sudden burning in his eyes is impossible to misinterpret, and he swallows hard. He looks over at the closed bathroom door, before deciding that this is too much. He just can't.

He gets up from the couch, managing to stand on his shaky legs, picks up his messenger bag from the floor, and exits the room without a word, closing the door behind him.

Chapter 7

Jake

Seb has never before in his life felt this gnawing, aching feeling inside, at least not with nearly this much force. It makes it difficult to breathe, makes it feel as though the muscles in his chest are in a near constant state of constriction. It's unbearable.

He hasn't spoken to Evan in days, not since that night. Not since Evan literally pulled away to run and hide, after giving Seb the best kiss of his life. Not since he broke Seb's heart into a thousand pieces, with just a look.

Seb squeezes his eyes shut, rubbing the bridge of his nose. He has to stop thinking about it. He has to stop letting that look ruin everything. It was so painful, that he can't understand why it's etched into his mind like this. He doesn't want to remember it, doesn't want to be reminded of it. But it's hopeless, because he has come to realize that
everything
reminds him of Evan.

The memory of that night is bittersweet. One moment, Seb will relish how Evan's lips felt against his, that rush of quiet excitement as he realized Evan was actually kissing him, actually touching him and making him melt against him.

And the next, he will inevitably be reminded of the seconds that followed, Evan getting up and looking so shocked and confused, and Seb just sitting there, feeling so utterly unwanted and abandoned and
rejected
. It seems that he can't have one without the other.

He's honestly a bit surprised that he hasn't heard from Evan, not a single word. Not a single text. He's certain of this, because he has, pathetically, taken to checking his phone every five minutes or so. Not a single glimpse of him on campus. Nothing.

Seb is surprised, because he kind of hoped that despite everything, Evan was at least his friend, and would want to keep him around. But it seems that he was wrong. And the harsh realization of that is more difficult to deal with than he expected.