Karlology (7 page)

T
h
ese sorts o
f
t
h
in
g
s are a
d
octor’s
d
ream as it ma
k
es a c
h
an
g
e
f
rom
l
oo
k
in
g
at
b
oi
l
s, cou
gh
s an
d
warts. I watc
h
e
d
o
ne of them programmes where they cover stories about
p
eople who’ve got stuff stuck in their ear or up their nose, an
d
one o
f
t
h
e inci
d
ents invo
l
ve
d
a
bl
o
k
e w
h
o went to t
h
e
d
octor’s to re
p
ort a
h
ea
d
ac
h
e t
h
at wou
ld
n’t
g
o awa
y
. T
h
e
d
octor
d
eci
d
e
d
to ta
k
e an X-ra
y
an
d
f
oun
d
h
e
h
a
d
e
l
even
na
il
s
in hi
s
h
ead.
Th
e
docto
r
too
k
t
h
e
m
out
a
n
d
t
h
e
f
e
ll
a
w
as fine and the headaches went away. Doctors love a chal
l
en
g
e
l
i
k
e t
h
is. Ta
k
in
g
t
h
em nai
l
s out wou
ld
h
ave
b
een
l
i
k
e
h
avin
g
a
g
ame o
f
Ker
pl
un
k
to t
h
at
d
octor
.

It’s the weird stuff that excites doctors. Chinese surgeons
are the best in the world cos they’re always dealing with
k
i
d
s wit
h
f
our
l
egs or two
h
ea
d
s in C
h
ina,
b
ut C
h
inese
d
octors are ru
bb
is
h
w
h
en it comes to
g
ettin
g
ri
d
o
f
a ras
h
o
r
a co
ld
. T
h
ere’s a C
h
inese me
d
icine s
h
o
p
roun
d
t
h
e corne
r
f
rom where I live and they give you twigs and leaves to eat if you have some eczema or flu. This shows the Chinese are
n
ot as u
p
-to-
d
ate wit
h
ever
yd
a
y
i
ll
nesses,
y
et t
h
e
y
are
g
reat
wh
en it comes to removin
g
an extra
h
ea
d
.

As Joe did the final checks on the scanner, he told me how he had his eye on a new model of scanner, the fMRI. T
h
is new mac
h
ine can actua
ll
y see your t
h
oug
h
ts ta
k
e
pl
ace an
d
can s
h
ow
y
ou w
h
at t
h
ou
gh
ts
g
o on w
h
ere in t
h
e
b
rain, w
h
ereas I was on
ly
h
avin
g
an or
d
inar
y
MRI. I was glad about this as it would be weird them knowing what was going on in my head. I had a similar experience when I worked at a recording studio where I made cassettes. A mind-reading woman had made some audio tapes of her explaining how to mind read. She turned up to collect them with her pet dog and I hadn’t finished doing them yet, so she said she would wait. I was about to think how much of a pain in the arse she was for not just popping back in ten minutes when I thought I can’t do that, cos she’d know what I was thinking! So I came up with a quick plan. I decided to think about dog food and being happy running down a beach after a ball, so that she would think she was picking up thoughts from the mind of her pet dog. Stressful day’s work, that was.

“Is there any danger involved?” I asked Joe.

He sai
d
no,
b
ut t
h
en as
k
e
d
me to si
g
n a consent
f
orm.

Be
f
ore I
k
new it, I was
b
ein
g
s
l
i
d
into t
h
e mac
h
ine
l
i
k
e a Sunday joint being popped into an oven. I had a few little
p
anic attacks while I was inside. My brain started to think t
h
at t
h
e
fill
ings in my teet
h
were getting
h
ot. I
d
on’t rea
ll
y
l
i
k
e ti
gh
t s
p
aces or t
h
e
f
ee
l
in
g
o
f
b
ein
g
tra
pp
e
d
. I can’t use s
l
ee
p
in
g
b
a
g
s cos o
f
t
h
e tra
pp
e
d
f
ee
l
in
g
, an
d
t
h
is was worse.
I
t
ri
ed
to
r
e
l
a
x
but
t
h
e
n
o
i
se
fr
o
m
t
h
e
m
ac
hin
e
w
as
l
oud.
H
e’d said earlier that people sometimes nod off inside the scanner, but I don’t know how. I felt like a sock in a washing machine.

I
think most people’s
b
rains are like mine
,
but
th
en you get t
h
e o
dd
goo
d
o
ne t
h
at c
h
an
g
es t
h
e wor
ld
.
Y
ou’ve
g
ot
p
eo
pl
e w
h
o can
tell where dinosaurs walked
o
n Earth and what they had for their last meal 65 million
y
ears a
g
o, an
d
y
et t
h
e
d
ou
gh
nut w
h
o wor
k
s at t
h
e service com
p
an
y
in c
h
ar
g
e o
f
our
fl
at can’t te
ll
me w
h
et
h
er ou
r
w
indows are gonna get cleaned in the next month. There are more idiots in the world than bright ones, but it’s the
odd
goo
d
one t
h
at ma
k
es a
b
ig
d
i
ff
erence. I sti
ll
can’t ex
pl
ain
h
ow
g
ravit
y
wor
k
s,
y
et Isaac Newton wor
k
e
d
it out
y
ears a
g
o. He came u
p
wit
h
l
oa
d
s o
f
ot
h
er inte
ll
i
g
ent stu
ff
as well, but everyone only remembers the gravity theory he came up with while he was sat under a tree and an apple
f
e
ll
on
h
is
h
ea
d
. It’s
p
ro
b
a
bly
we
ll
-
k
nown cos it’s a
g
oo
d
anec
d
ote,
b
ut
f
anc
y
sittin
g
un
d
er a tree t
h
at
h
as a
ppl
es
f
a
ll
ing off it. It just goes to show that he was good with maths,
b
ut he had no common sense. Same goes for Archimedes.
H
e came up wit
h
l
oa
d
s o
f
t
h
eories
b
ut is main
l
y
k
nown
for running down the street naked shouting “Eureka!” after
having a good idea in the bath. I think it’s harder to come up with ideas and solutions now. If these people were around today, they’d struggle. Newton wouldn’t be allowed to sit under an apple tree cos there’d probably be a “keep off the grass” sign, or apple trees would have fences round them to stop people nicking the apples. Archimedes wouldn’t have a bath, due to water shortage, and would be advised to have a shower cos it’s better for the environment. And as for running down the street naked, he’d be banged up. Things have changed.