Knight of Ocean Avenue (25 page)

“Yeah. Like women.”

“Exactly. So you honestly didn’t know you were gay? Maybe you’re bisexual?”

“No. Just slow.”

“Billy, you’ve been working so hard since you were a young kid, I’m surprised you know your name, much less your sexual orientation.”

He leaned back in the chair and rocked. Yerby purred, and Clancy jumped back up beside his pal. Lover. Whatever. “I never knew anyone who was gay. I mean, I probably did, but I didn’t know it.”

“Hell, sweetie, you spend all your time with construction workers and Little League parents. Not exactly hotbeds of alternative sexuality.”

“I guess not. Now I think back and wonder how many of the guys I’ve worked with over the years were gay.” He shook his head. “I never really wanted girls much, but I guess I didn’t think there was any other choice”

“Were you attracted to boys? Men?”

“Maybe. I remember stuff I thought and felt, but I never quite connected it. I always liked to whack off to gay porn.” He sat up, and Clancy squawked. “God, I’m sorry, sis. TMI.”

She laughed. “Might as well get me ready for my son’s teenage years.”

“How would you feel if he turned out to be gay?”

“I’d be marching with banners and joining PFLAG, which I would have done for you, baby, if you’d told me.”

“Thanks. I’m so glad I have you.”

“Back at’cha.”

“Do you think I worked so much to run away from my attraction to men?”

“I think you worked so much to help your family in outrageously selfless ways—and to run away from your attraction to men. I mean, really, where else could you ogle guys eight hours a day but know you’d likely be killed if you did anything about it?”

“There you go again.”

She laughed. “So when are you going to tell the family?”

“You’re family.”

“Mama?”

“Oh crap, I don’t know. I’m considering a move to Iceland.”

“You already gave her notice, sweetie. Don’t back down.”

“Yeah. I just don’t feel like this is the right time.”

“You know best.”

“Doesn’t seem that way, Yoda.”

He loved her gutsy laugh. “You made it this far. My last bit of Yodaesque advice is don’t sell yourself short. Good men like you don’t come along every day.”

“Thanks. That means a lot.”

“My lips are sealed until you tell me otherwise.”

“I just need to get my shit together a little more before I face the ultimate test.”

“I got it. Love you.”

“Love you back.”

She hung up, and Billy slowly pressed the button on his phone. Did he quit too easily? Was that his problem? No, that wasn’t it. Hell, he stuck with shit forever, like his job and the team. So what was it about him? Why was he twenty-five and just realizing he was gay? Why did he just have a few old sticks of furniture and two cats?

His leaned his head back and rubbed his eyes. Why was he such a—loser?

He swallowed. Again. The spit wouldn’t go down. It felt like some big ball of crap stuck in his throat. He burped, slapped a hand over his mouth, and leaped up from the chair, fur flying in both directions as he sprang. He covered the few feet to the bathroom, knelt down, and stuck his head in the bowl as he barfed.
Jesus
.

What the fuck was that about?

He heaved one more time, grabbed some toilet paper and wiped his mouth, then sat back against the open door to the bathroom. He never threw up, even when he drank too much. What did he swallow?

Sounds in his head.

You can’t go into honors math, Billy. You just don’t have the brains for that.

Look at this test. My God, you shouldn’t even be in high school when you can’t understand simple instructions.

Boys like you bring down the test scores for the whole school. If we don’t get accredited next year, we know who to blame.

Silly Billy playing with his willy.

Were you staring at me, kid? What are you, some kind of fag? I’ll teach you to look at guys.

As that fist flew toward his face, Billy scrambled forward and dry heaved over the toilet.
Enough. Okay. I get it
.

I
CAN
do this. Not quitting.

Billy stared in his rearview mirror and ran a hand through his dark waves. It had been weeks, but his hair still looked good. The rest of him, not so fucking much. Circles under his eyes, cheekbones sticking out too far, and a wardrobe of mangled jeans and frayed hoodies.

He grabbed the envelope and climbed out of the truck. With a beep of his key, he started walking toward the studio. Millicent would be there, probably. That would be okay. She could be sure Shaz saw this because, dammit, he needed to see it. Even with that Alexander guy, this building could work. Billy didn’t want to e-mail it, because Shaz would just delete it, but if he had the drawings in his hand, it would be hard not to look.

He stopped outside Shazam and took a breath.
Go do it, for crap sake
.

He pushed inside and the cool air struck him.
Shit, no Millicent
.

Ru looked up from the desk and his eyes widened, then he smiled huge. “Hi, Billy.”

Shaz’s best friend was not who he’d counted on seeing. “Hi. Hey, would you give this to Shaz?” He set the envelope on the desk.

“What is it?”

“I promised him some information on whether the building we saw could work for him. I know he probably forgot about it, but I wanted him to have this. Will you be sure he sees it?”

Ru didn’t make a move to touch the envelope, but his smile got bigger. “I have a better idea. He’s at the coffee shop. You know the one, about three blocks from here? Why don’t you give this to him yourself?”

Billy shook his head. “Nah. You give it to him.” He turned and started across the reception area.

“Billy!”

He turned.

Ru held out the envelope. “Please.”

Well, damn
. How could he do that?
Inhale. Exhale.

Ru waggled the envelope. “I may not see him. He could miss it.”

That seemed unlikely. Oh well, maybe giving the drawing to Shaz was a chance to smile and show no hard feelings. Okay, that was a lie, but at least he could smile. He grabbed the envelope and walked toward the door, paused, and looked back at Ru. The guy was still grinning like a loon. Billy pushed back out to the sidewalk.

Get it over with
.

He broke into a trot.
Don’t think. Just go in there. Don’t think
.

Yes, there was sun shining, but the coffee shop sign was all he could really see. He’d go in, hand the envelope to Shaz, wish him luck. He stopped.
Come on, Ballew. You can do this.

He started running again. Another block. When he got a few yards from the coffee shop, he slowed. One step closer, two steps. The door burst open and two women rushed out. The smaller woman had wide eyes and clutched her sweater to her chest. The other one stared at her phone. “That’s horrible, somebody needs to stop him.” She dialed her phone and pressed it to her ear.

What the hell? Not good
. Shaz!

Billy broke into a run, threw open the door to the shop, and stopped. Tableau. The pretty girl behind the counter was yelling, “Stop it! Stop it!” A boy barista next to her had a phone in his hand and a terrified expression on his face, and in the center of the shop, the big blue-collar guy who had been there all those weeks ago stood screaming at a customer who sat cowering on the vinyl couch.

Not just a customer—Shaz.

The guy was yelling, “Don’t you put your dirty, fucking fag hands on her ever again. I don’t know why they even let guys like you live.” A fist hauled back—

Billy took two steps, grabbed the fist in its arc, spun the guy around, and hit him so hard in the gut he reeled against the corner chairs and sent a lamp flying. Sprawled on the chair, he grabbed his stomach. “What the fuck?” He pulled himself up with fists clenched, really looked at Billy, and frowned. “What the hell are you doing? You should have seen the way he kissed and hugged her. Doesn’t it make you sick?”

Billy narrowed his eyes. “Yeah, because I’d rather he was kissing and hugging me.” He heard a snort from behind him, but he didn’t turn to look. “Get the hell out of here, asshole. Two people have called the cops. Hear the sirens? And if you ever come back or go anywhere near that guy again, you won’t recognize yourself in the mirror.”

The sirens got close, and the guy looked panicked. He screwed up his face. “You’re not gay.”

“The fuck I’m not, so you better be careful. We come in all shapes and sizes, and some of us are bigger and meaner than you.”

The guy glanced at the girl. She shrieked, “Do you think I’d ever be interested in a violent asshole like you? Get out of my shop.”

He ran for the door, pushed out, and threw himself into the waiting arms of Laguna’s finest.

Billy turned just as the Shaz missile threw himself from several feet away into Billy’s arms. Billy closed his embrace and held that slim body tight. Even shaking like a coffee napkin, Shaz felt wonderful.

“Oh God, I was so afraid. You saved me.”

“Don’t worry. I’ve got you.”

Those green eyes looked up at him. “Do you, Billy?”

“Always.”

The cop’s voice came from behind him. “Excuse me, gentlemen. Can you tell me what happened here?”

Talk about your bad timing.

An hour later, time made not quite as bad because he got to hold and cuddle Shaz, who couldn’t stop shaking, the policeman finally said they were free to go. As Billy pulled Shaz up from the couch, the cop said, “Oh, one more thing.” He poised a pen over his notepad. “What is the nature of your relationship?”

Billy opened his mouth, then closed it. Shaz stared at Billy’s fish mouth like he was waiting to see what came out.

The cop laughed. “I’ll just put down ‘it’s complicated.’” Chuckling, he walked out of the coffee shop.

The pretty girl came over and put her arms around Shaz. “I’m so sorry this happened. I should have known the guy was scary.” She frowned. “That asshole was about to hit you.”

Shaz shuddered. “Yes. I’ve been hit before, but I didn’t like it much.”

Billy frowned. “You have?”

“Oh yes. Any gay man who chooses my particular fabulous expression has probably had a fist in the face.”

That made him madder and sadder than the times he’d gotten beat up as a kid.

The girl patted Billy’s arm. “But now you have someone to take care of you. I’m so glad.”

Shaz gave him that quizzical look again. “I’m very happy you were here. And how did that happen to occur, darling?”

“Oh.” He looked around and saw the envelope lying on the floor where he’d dropped it as he swung at Shaz’s tormentor. He reached down and grabbed it, then handed it to Shaz. “I did this for you.”

“What is it?”

“An idea for that building you were looking at. I figured with your new partnership and all, you still need a great place.” He tried to shrug the pain away. “So I just doodled this up.”

Shaz opened the envelope and pulled out half the drawing. He looked at Billy, then back at the paper. With his other hand, he reached in his pocket and pulled out his car keys. “I don’t trust myself to drive. Will you take me home?”

His breath stuck in his throat. “Sure.”

Shaz took hold of Billy’s arm. He must still be really shaken. Billy slipped his arm out of Shaz’s and put it around those lightly muscled shoulders. Shaz leaned on him heavily and they walked outside. Billy said, “Want to wait here while I go get your car?”

Shaz snuggled closer. “No. I’ll walk with you.”

With his arm around Shaz, he’d walk forever. But even moving slowly, three blocks only took a few minutes. Shaz pointed to a small parking lot behind the studio, and they went straight there. Billy got Shaz settled in the passenger seat of the Jag. By the time he got in the driver’s side, Shaz was on his cell phone.

“Yes, dear, we had a small altercation at the coffee shop. Don’t worry; Billy saved me.” Shaz glanced at Billy with a small smile. Was he talking to Alexander? Billy held his breath. Shaz nodded. “Yes, Billy got there right in the nick of time to keep this beautiful face intact. I know. Amazing. So brave. He’s taking me home, so will you please close up?”

Oh, it must be Ru
. Yes, that was relief spreading though Billy’s chest. He started the car, and the sleek Jaguar purred its way out of the parking lot.

Shaz glanced at Billy again, still talking into his phone. “I’ll see you tomorrow, dear. Sometime.”

Billy stared out the window.
Do not assume anything from that word “sometime
.” But it was hard not to hope. “Where am I going?”

“Past Emerald Bay.”

“Okay.” Billy turned right on Pacific Coast Highway. Shaz leaned back against the leather seats, curled his body toward Billy as much as his seatbelt allowed, and closed his eyes.

Didn’t want to bother him. Still. “Uh, Shaz.”

“Ummm?”

“How are things going with, uh, you know. Alexander. Alex what’s-his-face?”

Shaz’s lips turned up a little, but his eyes stayed closed. “Going? What do you mean going?”

“You know, the, uh, partnership and everything?”

Shaz’s eyes opened slowly. “Are you asking if I’m fucking Alexander Longstory?”

Billy frowned. “No. I mean, you were going to go into a partnership and—yeah.”

“No.”

“No?”

“No, I am not now nor will I ever be going into a fucking partnership with Alexander fucking Longstory.”

Billy swallowed hard. “No?”

“No.”

“Didn’t work out?”

“Never worked period. I haven’t seen him since the day you and I had drinks with him. I called him once. That’s all.”

Billy stared at Shaz, then looked back at the road to avoid hitting the Mercedes in front of him. “But the partnership. The big deal.”

“I thought about it, because it could have been great for my staff. But they all came and told me they didn’t want me to do it. They want to build our own business our way.”