Learning to Forgive (The Learning Series) (29 page)

Before I know it, time has flown by and I’m running behind on getting ready. I close the notebook and place it on the bed, but it falls when I stand. Wiping my tears, I bend down to pick it up but my hand halts midway. The page before me isn’t songs or poems. I see a picture of a little girl no older than two years. Blonde hair but not like mine. I have pale hair like my mom. This little girl has strawberry blonde hair, but she does have my eyes. Not just the shape or color, but also the fear and deadness I always saw looking in a mirror.

My finger outlines her cherub face and my knees give out as I read the words below.

Save Savannah…

“You’ll never hate me as much as I hate myself. I promise.”

~Lyric

Lyric

“What the hell do you mean you’re done?” Massey yells on the other line. “You can’t just quit, Lyric. You’re too fucking close to Polesky. Do you understand that? And now that his daughter has magically reappeared, he’s bound to come on your territory.”

I knew he’d be upset with my decision to cut out before they’re ready, but I’m over this shit. Over the dope and drugpins. Over the violence and death. I’m ready to wash my hands clean and take what I want in life. I want Red. They can try to bribe me with more money all they want, but I don’t care about that shit anymore. As much as I respect Massey, his ignorance of what really goes on at The Reform has only added to my resolve to quit. “I’ve been with The Reform for almost ten fucking years. And I’m telling you, I’m done. Let Hyde take over or send someone else in. I honestly don’t care if you find a vagrant off the street. Just not me.”

“Don’t forget, Lyric, that without us, you’d still be rotting in a prison cell. Besides, Hyde is more intelligence than action. Nobody has the status or connections you have to pull this shit off either. Do you honestly expect us to sit on our thumbs while you blow this mission and go play house? We’d be starting from point A all over again and we don’t have that time, Devereux. If Polesky isn’t apprehended or killed, he’s going to threaten this country. He’s bringing in more scum and we can’t locate his ass.”

I’m so tired of The Reform running every aspect of my life. Since they transported me inside its walls, I’ve had to sleep, shit, and shower under their eyes. “You know, the only fucking reason they chose me was because I killed Polesky’s brother. I’m basically fucking bait. I didn’t choose this life. It was either this or face the death penalty. I was a scared kid who’d just lost the one fucking person I cared for.”

“You might not have chosen, but you stuck with it. You excelled in all areas of training. You showed respect and grew. Now you’re one of our best.” He sighs heavily. “Look, kid. If you get Polesky, I’ll see what I can do about cutting you loose early, but we need you to take him down.”

Trapped
. Again I feel like a caged animal, and I’m ready to attack whoever stands on the other side of the barred door. “And if I don’t?” I ask with dread. I know they have a wild card to hold against me. They always do. In training, they loved to threaten to kill your bunkmate by holding a gun to his head if you couldn’t complete a mission. Not Massey. He’s one of the good ones. The ones who were higher in rank were more power hungry.

The Reform’s mission was to make me a man, and if you couldn’t change, then you weren’t useful and were disposed of. They loved to take young delinquents and runaways. They made it clear from day one where we stood on the hierarchy of living. We were the lowest, just future criminals who had a chance to change and help the government. People wouldn’t miss us and if they did, they’d never find us. We were unable to have any contact with our past until granted our freedom. Something rarely given, if the rumors are true. Nobody knows.

You might think we’re some sort of military or homeland security. But we have no label. We get no medals. Our reward is to live, and if we’re lucky, we get freedom and a new life in the end. Some of the best in the country train and school us. Not at first, though. They didn’t want to give a bunch of punk kids with invincible mentalities the resources to kill. We had to earn it the first eighteen months. We had to show respect to receive it or mercy.

“You know what will happen, Lyric. We’ll find you and whoever you’re with, be it that girl or someone else, and then we’ll kill you. Not by my hand, but by someone else’s. Understand?”

My fist clinches with the thought of me endangering Red in any way. I knew deep down that she wasn’t a good idea. Being with her isn’t a good idea, but I couldn’t then, and still can’t break loose from the hold she has on me. Now I have no choice but to continue with this fucked up plan and risk losing her in my life forever. At least she’ll be alive somewhere and I’ll make sure she and the kid are taken care of. No more worrying about shit.
Fuck!
This is going to suck. But I need to get over it and do what needs to be done. I just hope she can forgive me when it’s over. “Yeah, Sergeant, I understand.”

I walk back into Jay’s as everything is being set up. Caterers run around with food trays and set up the tables while Ryan helps set up the instruments. The doors don’t open for another hour for close friends and family to have time to reminisce and celebrate for a couple of hours. The doors open to the public afterwards for the regular party when the caterers have everything cleaned up. I don’t feel like facing anyone right now, but Hyde nods his head when we make eye contact. I follow him to Janet’s, or rather my office.

He shuts the door behind us. “How did he take it?”

I sit heavily on the desk. “How the fuck do you think he took it?” I ask.

“Hey! Don’t take your beef out on me. I tried to warn you when I saw you getting attached.” He comes over and stands directly in front of me. His stance is one they taught us, feet shoulder width apart, back erect, and brace for anything. “That vanilla shit isn’t in our cards, bro. They run every fucking aspect of our lives until they’re ready to cut us loose. And there’s not a damn thing we can do about it.”

“It wouldn’t be so fucking bad if I knew she’d forgive me when this is over. I could handle it better. But not knowing if she’ll want me after all is said and done is driving me insane. What Massey and those assholes at the Reform want me to do will put a nail in the coffin in what Red and I have.” I feel scared for the first time in years. Panic wants to take hold when I imagine the aftermath to my next move.

“But would you rather her end up in a real coffin, bro? Because if you don’t do this, and you try to run, that’s exactly what’ll happen.”

Nothing else is said. We both know he’s right. Massey said the same damn thing. So I know the choice is out of my hands. Hyde smacks me on the shoulder. “Hang in there, bro. We’ve been through shit way worse than this.” He walks out the door leaving me alone inside the small office. And even though I can’t see it, I feel my whole world starting to shake. It’s on the verge of destruction.

I tip my third beer back and down it in a few short gulps. The chill flows down my throat and I ignore the bitter taste. I could definitely go for something stronger, but the more I lose myself in alcohol, the more I’ll want to lose myself in Red. And that can’t happen. I feel like my life is going to complete shit. The one thing I want for myself isn’t for me. Not now anyways. Maybe in the future, if I’m lucky, she’ll let me back in. It’s all I can think about.

I’ve pulled a favor from Massey since he’s fucking me over and owes me. So hopefully, he’ll pull through and make it happen. I don’t know what Red will do if it doesn’t. She just lost Janet and adding to her grief is going to kill me. And I know for a fact that this will hurt her. She’s vulnerable and has been handed a shit life, but she’s a fighter and has proven herself every day. Her words of love echo in my ears at night when I’m alone. She’s only said it that one time, but I know she loves me, and that’s something I’ve wanted for a few weeks now. I wanted her to want only me, and now that it’s happened, I have to crush her.

Everyone who loved Janet, and then some, are here, with the exception of one. Red has yet to show up, and as much as I want to go check on her or shoot her a quick text, I need to start distancing myself. So I keep company with the crowd and just sit and wait for the storm to blow over. I smile and nod my head when people approach to tell me how well we played at one point or another or how sad Janet’s death is. They are also curious about the new owner of Jay’s. I look at my watch and figure why the hell not. I stand and slam my empty bottle on the table before making my way up on stage.

The crowd goes wild and after a minute, they finally quiet down. “How y’all doin’?” Another round of applause. “We’re here tonight to remember one of the founders of Jay’s who unfortunately lost her battle to cancer almost a week ago. So, I thank you all for coming tonight.” The stage lights are dimmed for a more natural look. I search the crowd, hoping to see that long bright red hair mixed in somewhere. People’s bodies are packed together as they wait, but still no Red. “Now, I know everyone is curious about what’s going to happen to Jay’s, but I’m happy to tell everyone it’s here to stay.” As the crowd erupts with cheers, I see her on the far side of the bar. Her eyes show anger and her finger is in the face of some girl whose back is towards me. Reminding myself to keep my distance, I continue with my speech. “Because I’m the new owner.”

Finally, I have her attention when my words reach her ears. Seeing her tears has me digging my feet into the wooden stage. She looks beaten and worn. Janet’s passing is only the first piece to the avalanche of emotions she’s about to experience.

I turn away. “
Now, let’s fuckin celebrate
.” I holler into the mike and feel the walls vibrate from the crowd’s loud cheers. When I jump off stage, I keep my eyes away from her. Too much fucking guilt eats at me. I don’t feel the pats on my back as I make my way to my usual table. I pay no mind to the girls rubbing against me. And I don’t hear the music from the DJ. I just sit and order another beer.

When she comes up behind me, I know. There’s no need to turn around. I feel her, smell her. My body stands at attention. But I just keep my eyes ahead and drink.

“Lyric. I need to talk to you.”

Her voice is strained and I find myself standing. Without a word, I grab her arm and lead her to the office, but keep the door cracked. She tries to hold me, but I sidestep her advances. “Shoot,” I say indifferently and look at paperwork on the desk.

“I found something tonight.” Her voice breaks. “Something that I’m still trying to understand.” She takes a shuddering breath. “Can’t you look at me? Please?”

After I do as she asks, she tries to wrap her arms around me again, but I grab them to stop her. “Don’t.”

Her confused eyes meet mine. “What? Why?”

Here it is. Time to end it. Time to save her while killing myself. My need to make this easy on her has me giving her some bullshit reason. “I’m the new owner of Jay’s.”

“So? What does that matter?”

“It changes everything, Blaire. You know that.”

Her eyes widen as a tear falls. “What did you call me?”

“
Blaire.”
In true asshole style, I drag it out slowly.

“Don’t call me that. You always call me Red.” Her arms fall to her sides.

“Okay. Miss Morgan. Is that better?”

“Why are you doing this?”

“Doing what?”

“Being this way. Acting like you don’t want to be around me. Acting like you don’t love me.”

Bile rises and I want to vomit from her calling me out. She sees right through me, no matter how deep I hide. I bend over to grab my knees and hold myself up before I fall. Then I laugh without mirth to play it off. “Love you? I’m sorry,
Miss Morgan
, but you’re delusional if you think that shit. I think you need to stay out of people’s medicine cabinets.” She pales and I feel like the lowest piece of shit, but this has to be done. “Is this because I let you sleep with me these past few months?” I take a step towards her and reach down to undo my jeans. “That isn’t love, Miss Morgan. That’s what us adults call fucking. And it’s time to stop. But hey… If you want to go another round.” I unzip my pants as her eyes narrow, allowing more tears to fall.