Learning to Love Again (17 page)

But as I said, it’s time for you to know the truth.  Someday, I hope to come back and talk to you.  But I’m a coward.

The truth, my beautiful child, is that the man you call your dad, is not your biological father.  I was already pregnant when I married him.  He knew I was pregnant and he wanted to give you a name.

And as I said, I was a coward.  I saw what this town did to Jack’s mother, although her situation was a little different, but small town life is not kind to an unwed mother.  I promised your dad I would never tell you the truth.  But I can’t be true to myself, living a lie.

Your dad found me crying down by the creek the day I found out I was pregnant with you.  I told him the whole sorry tale.  Your typical ‘stupid teenager who had sex without protection tale,’ I’m afraid.  I’d gone to Austin for a weekend with some friends, talked our way into some of the bars on Sixth Street, and met a guy.  He was a young soldier, stationed up at Fort Hood.  We spent twenty-four hours together.  That was it.  But it gave me you.

I knew I couldn’t have an abortion, but I also knew I couldn’t make it on my own.  And there’s no way I would have been able to hold my head up in this town.  And I didn’t want you labeled a ‘bastard’ or to have to answer for my sins.

“Well, I did anyway,” Nicole remarked, the bitterness of it all leaving an unpleasant feeling in her gut.  She forced herself to keep reading.

I’m sorry, honey.  I know how much you love your dad, and I don’t want that to change.  He is the man who has been there from day one for you.  And he loves you.  He always wanted a child, but he couldn’t have any of his own.

So he offered to marry me, and raise you as his own.  He promised to keep my secret.  I didn’t know how to get in touch with the man who got me pregnant.  His unit was at Fort Hood for training and then they were going to be deployed.  I didn’t have an address or a phone number.  So he never knew you even existed.

I’ve lived this lie for almost sixteen years now.  And a little piece of me has died every day.  All my comments about giving life up if you marry the wrong man or have children, well, that was my fear and cowardice talking.  If you find the right man, he makes you complete.  Your father tried to be that man for me, but although I loved him for what he’d done for us, it was never the passionate love either of us deserved.

And now, I think I have found that love.  I’m too afraid to ask for a divorce.  Your dad has talked me out of it before.  If I leave, he can file for it on the grounds of abandonment.  I do believe you’ll both be better off without me.

Someday, I hope to come back, let you confront me, tell me you hate me, whatever you need to do.  And I will stand there and let you.  But know this, I never hated you.  I was hard on you, maybe too hard, but I didn’t want you to ever make the mistakes I did.  I wanted you to be able to go to college, become a lawyer like you’ve been talking about.  I made a lot of mistakes, sweet girl, but you were not one of them.  I took my regrets out on you.  I realize that now.  And I’m sorry.  So very sorry. I hope someday you can forgive me.

Love,

Mom

Nicole dropped the letter to her lap and allowed the tears to fall.  Tears for her mother, who hadn’t felt like she had any control over her life, tears for her father, who’d given them his name and taken care of them, and tears for all the lost years and the anger.

It didn’t answer the question as to why her father had killed her mother.  She may never know that answer.  But at least now, she had some understanding about her mother.  It may not be much, but it was more than she’d had to start.

Nicole waited until early Monday morning to make the drive to Austin.  After the emotional upheaval over the past few days, she needed the time to get it together.  She’d talked to her aunt after getting back to the house, and had called Jason to tell him her plans had changed, but she’d begged everyone to let her process the information first.  She wasn’t ready to talk about it.  With time before her meeting with Robert, she drove over to the office of the land surveyor she’d hired the week before, and picked up his report.  The architect had emailed her his report earlier in the week, and it was in her attaché case as well.

Parking in downtown Austin was a rare commodity, so she pulled into one of the public garages and walked to the small coffee shop near the law office.  She slid the reports out of the file and read through them.  She’d have time later to study them in depth, but at that moment she just wanted to see what the bottom line was.  With a small smile, she slid the papers back into her attaché case and looked out of the coffee shops windows at the city around her.  Her decision firm, she stood up and walked across the street to her old office building and her meeting with Robert.  Only one of them was going to leave this meeting happy.

Four hours later, she was back in Waketon, parked in front of Jason’s condo.  She knew he planned to take today off from his office after having been on call the day before, or at least that is what he had told her when she’d called him the night before.  Wetting her lips, she rang the doorbell, and waited for him to answer.

“Nicole!  I wasn’t expecting to hear from you until tonight.  Come on in!”  He was dressed in jeans and a t shirt, unshaven and disheveled.  He held the door open for her.  He followed behind as she walked into the living room, watching as she took in the all of the flowers that were still there, a smile on her lips.

“I take it you made your decision,” he walked over to stand beside her, shoving his hands into the back pocket of his jeans, the tension radiating from him.

“I’ve been rehearsing my speech the entire way from Austin to Waketon.” Nicole admitted, her eyes meeting his.

I’d hate to be playing poker with her; her face is giving nothing away at all. 
Jason thought as he tried to read her body language.  “And?” he prompted when she didn't say anything.

She walked over to the windows, looking out over the lake.  “Ten years ago, I chose a job and career over you, and ignored what I felt, because I was scared.  It had been drilled into me since birth to never let a man control me.  I was young, and naïve, and afraid that I’d end up like my mother if I gave in to what my heart was telling me to do.  I had spent fifteen years watching her and my father make each other miserable and I never understood why.  Now, I have a better understanding but I don’t think I’ll ever understand why my father did what he did.”  Turning to face Jason, she smiled.

“I’ve always let the past dictate how my future was going to be played out.  When we met, I let you in and you got to me and I panicked and forced myself to walk away.  And I never thought I’d get a second chance, until about three months ago when I almost killed myself in a car accident, and had to come back to Waketon.  And even then you were so indifferent to me at first; I thought I had blown it.”

“Cole, please, you’re killing me here.  Tell me what you decided,” he groaned.  He stood ramrod straight and she could see the tension in his face.  Pushing away from the window sill, she walked over to stand in front of him.  As she reached up and laid her palm against his cheek, the stubble from his five o’clock shadow scratching her tender skin, she smiled at him, allowing all the love she’d ever felt to shine through.

“I told Robert that I wasn’t interested in returning to work for him.  It’s time I returned home, to Waketon.  I want to start a new life, build a house, maybe buy a few horses, and get a dog.”  She looked up at him, seeing the hope start to flare in his eyes.  “Maybe even a husband…”

“I think I know someone who might like to apply for that position.”  He murmured, his hands coming up to rest on her waist.  “But are you sure?”

Without hesitation, she nodded, her hand caressing his face.  “All last week, and again today, while I was in Austin, I kept watching everyone hurrying around, and I just couldn’t picture myself there anymore.  And talking with Robert, well, even though they did offer me the job, I was their second choice.  They didn’t listen to me six months ago when I tried to tell them what a mistake they were making.  That grates, you know?”  He pulled her to him and wrapped his arms around her, tight.  She laid her head on his chest, feeling the rapid heartbeat against her cheek.  “I tried to picture myself moving back to Austin, picking up the pieces of my life there, and not having you there with me, and I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t picture a life without you anymore.  Which leads me to the most important reason: I love you.”

He threaded his fingers in her hair and pulled her head back so he could claim her lips.

“Are you going to be happy, not working, though?” he asked her, leading her over to the couch and pulling her down on his lap.

“I didn’t say I wouldn’t be working.”  She pointed out.  “I said I wouldn’t be working for Robert.”  She traced a finger around his lips, causing them to twitch.  “Jack talked to me last week and offered me a job.  Which reminds me, I need to call him and give him my decision.”

“He’s been talking about hiring a second person for the business.  I’m glad he offered it to you.”  Capturing her wandering hands in his, he kissed her palms.  “Tell me again that you’re staying.”  He leaned in for another kiss.

“I’m staying, and rebuilding my life, here in Waketon…with you,” she whispered against his mouth.  She pushed him back before he could get too carried away.  “We need to talk about what we’re going to do next.”  It was her turn to grab his wrists to keep his hands from undressing her.

“My plan was to get you naked and into bed.”

“Jason…”  She laughed and pushed herself off his lap.  “Be serious.”

“I am.  I am serious that I want you naked, in my bed.”  He reached out to try and grab her but she moved out of reach.  He stood up and moved over to stand in front of her, and grabbed her hands.  “I told you that first night, I plan on marrying you.  That hasn’t changed.  And you just talked about all kinds of plans you have.  What else is there?”  He tugged on her hands, pulling her against him.  “We can iron out specifics later,” he whispered, trailing kisses along her jawline.

With a moan, she gave in and wrapped her arms around his broad shoulders.  Feeling her surrender, he bent and swung her up in his arms and carried her off to the bedroom.

NICOLE WOKE UP, ALONE IN JASON’S BED.  THE room was dark so she assumed it had to be several hours since he’d carried her to his room.  She rolled over to look at the clock and was surprised to see that it was after ten o’clock.  Groaning, she pushed herself into a sitting position, and, wrapping the sheet around her, started to climb out of bed.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Jason asked from behind her.  She looked over her shoulder and saw him carrying a tray with food and drinks on it through the doorway.  Setting the tray down on the dresser by the bed, he turned to face her, hands on his hips.  His jeans low rode on his hips, the top button undone, and no shirt.  The sight of his flat abdomen and the thick muscles of his chest had her struggling to remember to breathe.

“I need to get going.  I’m sure Helen and Carly are worried about me by now.”  Nicole tried to move around him, but Jason stopped her.

“I called and talked to Mitch.  I told him not to expect you home tonight.”  He gave her a gentle push back onto the bed, and leaned over her, placing his hands on either side of her.  “I put together a snack for you.”  He indicated the tray he’d brought in with a nod of his head.  “Are you hungry?”

“A little,” she nodded.

He smiled down at her, kissed the tip of her nose, and then pushed away from the bed to bring the tray over to her, while she sat up.

“Will this tide you over?”  He placed the tray across her lap, and she studied the tray of cheese, crackers and fruit he’d brought her.

“This will be fine,” she assured him, nibbling on a piece of cheese.

“Work on that, then.  I’ll be back.”  He winked at her and headed back out to the living room.  She ate the snack he’d brought her and pushed the tray aside and, trying to keep the sheet wrapped around her, she climbed out of the bed and stepped into the bathroom.  Feeling exposed, she grabbed his robe off the bathroom door.  After wrapping it around herself as tight as she could without cutting off the ability to breathe, she opened the door, her steps faltering at the sight of him sitting on the end of the bed.  Beside him was a single red rose.

He looked up and gave her his heart stopping smiles, and opened his arms.  Without hesitation, she walked over to him and allowed him to settle her on his lap.

“Feeling better?” he asked.

She nodded with a smile.  His arms wrapped around her and he bent his head to kiss her before bending her backwards to lay her on the bed, stretching out next to her, propping himself up on one elbow.  Tucking her hair back away from her face, he cupped her cheek with his hand, stroking her cheek with his fingertips, his thumb feeling the accelerating pulse in her throat.  Leaning down, he placed a soft kiss on that pulse, and then a series of kisses down her neck, to where the robe had fallen away from her shoulder.

With a groan, he pushed himself up, and reached for the rose he’d laid down at the foot of the bed, and handed it to her.  “I’ve loved you for over ten years, Cole.  Even when we were separated, there was a part of me that always prayed you would come back to me.”  He stretched out on the bed beside her and pulled her across his chest, his hands caressing her back through the bulk of the cotton robe.  “I want to spend the rest of my life proving to you how much I love you.”  He captured her left hand and slid a ring onto her ring finger.  “Nicole Winters, will you marry me?”

Tears filling her eyes, she stared down at the ring and nodded.

“Is that a yes?”

“Oh, yes!”  The tears fell, and Jason reached up, wiping them away with his fingertips.

“Don’t cry, sweetheart.  God, I love you.  You are my whole world, babe,” he kissed her again, nipping at her lower lip and then soothing the sting away with his tongue.

“I love you, too.  So much,” she told him on a moan, her head tilting back, exposing her neck to his wandering lips.

“Can you take me again?” he whispered, bending his head and kissing the exposed skin of one breast, where the robe gaped open.

She reached down and undid the zipper of his jeans, freeing him.  “What do you think?”

He grinned at her and rolled them over before untying the belt holding the robe together.  Pushing it off her shoulders, he leaned over and tongued one of her nipples, smiling against her breast when it hardened.  Not able to stop the moan from escaping, she arched her back, her fingernails digging into his shoulders.  He pulled the robe off of her as she helped him out of his jeans.  When he reached for her, she pushed him back on the bed and leaned over him.

“It’s my turn,” she whispered.  “I want to torment you, like you’ve been tormenting me.”

His eyes blazed and his fingers flexed against her shoulders.  “Torment, huh? What do you have in mind?”

Flicking her tongue at one of his nipples, her hand stroked down the hard muscles of his abdomen, and lower to his groin, eliciting a groan from him.  Her mouth and hands drove him crazy, until he couldn’t take it anymore, and he was begging her to end his torment.  She laughed and straddled his hips, taking him deep inside, sighing as he stretched her.  He grabbed her hips and guided her, taking them both over the edge, as she collapsed onto his chest.

“Wow!  Where the hell did you learn to do that?” he groaned out, sometime later, with her still sprawled across his chest.

“It just comes natural when I’m with you,” she murmured.

“Not going to complain about that,” he kissed the top of her head as his hand rubbed up and down her back, causing her to arch against him, like a cat.  He grinned and continued to rub her back, liking her movements against him.  She shivered and his arms wrapped around her, pulling her against his warmth.  “You okay?” he murmured.

“Never better,” she assured him as she shifted off his chest but kept her head on his shoulder.

He let her go, but kept one arm around her, needing that connection with her.  Holding her left hand out in front of them, she admired the ring he’d placed there.  It was a simple princess cut diamond in a traditional setting.  The stone caught and flashed in the soft light from the bedside table.

“If you don’t like it, we can go shopping, pick out a different one,” he offered, reaching out his own finger to touch the ring.

“This one is perfect.  When did you buy it?”  Turning onto her side, she propped herself up on an elbow.

“After our first night together, I snuck out for a bit the afternoon I was on call.”  He reached up and tucked her hair behind her ear, out of their faces.  “I was going to give it to you that Saturday morning, over breakfast, but you know how that ended…” he grimaced.  Cupping the back of her head, he guided her mouth down to his.  “How long are you going to make me wait?”

“Good God, aren’t you tired?”  She pushed herself back, her eyes wide.

Laughing, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her back down to his chest.  “Tired and empty for the moment; I meant, how long are you going to make me wait until you marry me?”

“I guess that depends on where you want to live.  A house can take three to six months to build, don’t forget,” she pointed out, her fingers playing with his defined pec muscles.

“We could live here until the house is built, unless you have something against this place.”  His hand was sending shivers of delight down her spine.  “So, how long?” he prompted.

“December?” she suggested.

“December?!  That’s four months away.  I was thinking next month,” he countered.

“Next month?  As in September?  That’s so…sudden.”

“Given our history, it’s not that sudden.  And it’s not like the guest list has to be huge.  My only family is my half-sister and she’s on tour in Europe right now with that band.  I’m not sure she could take the time to come in for it.  We don’t have to have a large wedding, do we?” he reached out to caress her cheek with his fingertips.  “But I guess I can wait a few months, if you have your heart set on a December wedding.”

“No, it’s not that…” she pushed away from him and left the bed, grabbing the robe off the floor and once again wrapping it around herself, needing the flimsy security it offered her.  Still tying the belt, she turned around and faced Jason, who was still lying in bed, his arms now tucked behind his head.  “It’s so sudden
for me.
We’ve only been back together a few weeks, and now we’re engaged, and you want to get married next month.  I just need some time.”  Her eyes were pleading with him, begging him to understand.  She didn’t know what she’d do if he forced the issue, or walked away again.

He dragged himself up and off the bed and moved over to stand in front of her.  Gripping her shoulders, he pressed a kiss to her forehead.  “You can have all the time you need.  You need to slow it down?  Fine, we’ll slow it down.”  He told her in an even voice.  “I promised you I wouldn’t push you, or rush you, and I’m sorry if you feel if I’ve done just that.  I lost you once, I don’t want to go through that again.  Please, just don’t panic on me, okay?”

She swallowed hard and nodded, allowing him to pull her up against his chest.  Wrapped up in his arms, the fears and insecurities started to fade away.  Laying her head on his chest, she put her trust in this man that she loved.  But she couldn’t shake the feeling that the other shoe was just waiting to drop.