Learning to Love Again (18 page)

NICOLE WOKE UP THE NEXT MORNING, ALONE IN Jason’s bed, still wrapped in his robe.  Stretching, she forced herself to get out of his bed and took a quick shower.  She’d been surprised to see find her overnight back sitting on her counter.  Reminding herself to thank him for going out to her car to get it, she dressed in her clean jeans and shirt before towel drying her hair.  She straightened the sheets on the bed, and then, taking a deep breath, walked out of the bedroom.  Smelling fresh coffee, she headed for the kitchen, and found Jason leaning against the counter, concentrating on whatever was on his phone’s screen.

“Hi,” she whispered.

“Hi.”  He set the phone aside and held out his hand.  A little hesitant, she allowed him to draw her into his embrace.  “How do you feel this morning?”  He held her close and she relaxed against him.

“Like this is all a dream.” She sighed before stepping back.  “I’m sure you need to get to the office.”

“Yeah, I have a full schedule today, and a few surgeries scheduled for tomorrow that I need to prep for.  With any luck, I’ll be out of there by five, if my patients are on time.  At least I won’t be on call again until the middle of next week.”  He picked his cell phone back up and slipped it into his bag.  “What’s on your agenda?”

“I need to go back to the ranch, and I need to talk to Jack; iron out the specifics of his offer.”  She turned towards him after pouring herself a cup of coffee, taking a moment to look him over.  He was dressed in khaki’s and a light blue polo shirt, which brought out the blue of his eyes.

“Here,” he said before taking a key from his pocket and holding it out to her.  “It’s to the condo,” he explained, noticing her eyebrow rising at the sight of it.  “You can come and go as you want.  You could even move some of your stuff over from the ranch so you don’t have to pack a bag every night.”

“Jason…”  She stared down at it.

“It’s just to make things a little easier, Nicole.  Use it or don’t.  It’s your decision.  Right now, I have to get to work.”  Grabbing the shoulder strap of his bag, he slung it over his shoulder.  “Will I see you tonight?”  He turned to look at her from the doorway, his impatience with her hesitations evident in his expression.

“I’ll be here,” she promised, her eyes begging for time and understanding.

He muttered something under his breath and then crossed the kitchen to stand in front of her.

“You have to meet me halfway, babe.  I can’t do it all on my own,” he reminded her, leaning over and giving her a hard kiss.  “I’ll see you tonight.” He turned and headed out the door, leaving her alone in the kitchen.

Nicole released a ragged breath and turned to the sink, dumping her coffee down the drain.  Her stomach was churning enough right now, she didn’t need to add any more acid to it, she decided.  She made sure the coffee pot was turned off before grabbing her own bag out of the bedroom, wanting to escape to the simplicity of the ranch.

“Hey, you, it’s about time you came home,” Carly greeted her from the porch when she stepped out of her car.  Nicole climbed the steps and joined her friend on the porch swing.

“Sorry, Jason said he’d talked to Mitch last night…”

“He did, but he didn’t tell him anything, other than you were at his place and for us not to expect you home,” Carly agreed, reaching over and tapping the ring on her friend’s finger.  “It looks like he left out a few tiny details,” she teased.

Nicole smiled, and held her hand out.  “Jason proposed, and I accepted.”

Carly ooh’d and ahh’d over the ring for a few seconds and then examined her friend’s face.  “For someone who is grabbing hold of the brass ring, you don’t look too excited,” she remarked.

Nicole leaned her head back and closed her eyes, letting out a ragged sigh.  “One minute everything seems so clear, and the next, I’m scared to death and unsure of everything.”  She sat back up and met Carly’s concerned gaze.  “Were you like this with Mitch?”

“To some extent, I’d say yes.”  Carly set the swing back into motion with a push of her foot.  “But I’d been in love with Mitch since we were kids.” she reminded her.  Carly looked at her out of the corner of her eye.  “I’m assuming you turned down that job in Austin?”

“I did.  Jack made me an offer, and I’m going to take the job with him.  Speaking of which…” Nicole glanced at her watch.  “I need to call Jack and tell him, too.”

“He can wait another few minutes then,” Carly stopped her from getting up off the swing with a hand on her arm.  “Come on, Nicole.  Tell me what’s wrong.  You do love Jason, don’t you?”

Nicole sat back and looked out over the land.  “I do, and he says he loves me,” she agreed.  “It’s just…It’s so fast, you know?”

“You’ve known each other for ten years,” Carly pointed out, echoing Jason’s words to her.

“But we haven’t been around each other for all of those years!  And I assumed he hated me after the way I walked away without discussing it with him.”

“But you’ve discussed it now, right?  And you know he’s not just giving lip service to the words.  Anybody with eyes can tell that man does love you, Nicole.”

“Yes, we’ve talked about what happened between us before.  And I know he loves me, but…”

“But what?”  Carly prompted.

“What happens if…”

“What happens happens, Nicole.”  Carly cut her off.  “Look, you had a rough break with your mom, and you’ve let it rule your life since…well, forever. You’re a big girl now, and the choice is yours alone to make.  You can reach out, grab on, and take the ride of a lifetime, or you can continue to sit on the sidelines and wonder about what could have been.  At least if you take the chance, you’ll never look back and wonder.”  Carly stopped the swing and stood up.  “And talk to Jason.  You’d be surprised at the obstacles love can help you overcome, if you do it together.”  She gave her friend a soft smile with that piece of advice before turning to head back inside.

Nicole sat on the porch thinking about what Carly had said, what everyone had been saying for the past few weeks.  Her heart was telling her—begging her—to listen to them.  The letter from her mother that she and Jack had found had explained so much, but raised so many other questions.  Questions she knew she would never get an answer to, not after this much time.  Who had her mother met and been attracted to and why had her father killed her and then taken his own life?  And who had called her father that day, telling him her mother was leaving?  She stared out at the ranch, for the first time feeling more anger towards her father than she did towards her mother.  Before reading that letter, it had been easy to hate her mother, to be glad she was gone.  But now, she had it in writing that her mother
had
loved her and cared about her.

So what do I do about me and Jason?
she asked herself as she looked out at the land.  She loved him and he loved her, she didn’t doubt that, not anymore.  Would moving in with him change anything?  Their relationship was so new, at least, the rediscovery of their true feelings was new. She could never get back all those years they’d lost, but they could carve out their future together.  Holding out her hand, she looked down at the diamond ring on her finger, as her thumb rubbed across the band.  “No regrets, Mom,” she whispered as she stood up.

It didn’t take her long to pack a couple of bags.  She’d be able to drive back over anytime, if she forgot anything.  She headed out to the living room to find Helen and Carly.

“Hi, honey.  Come join us.  We’re just looking at all the furniture we need to order for a nursery.”  Helen patted the seat beside her.

“No, thanks.  I’m going to go see Jack, let him know he has a new partner.”  She smiled at them.

“You’re moving in with him?”  Helen asked nodding towards the suitcase beside her and the duffel bag she had slung over her shoulder.

“No.  Jason.”  She grinned.  “I’m reaching out for that ride of a lifetime Carly promised me!”  She grabbed the suitcase and started for the front door.  “Oh, tell Mitch I’ll return the car next week, if I can buy my own car by then!”  She called over her shoulder.

“Did I miss something?”  She heard her aunt ask Carly as she left the house.

She stowed the bags in the trunk and then drove over to Jack’s office.  He must have heard her pull into the lot because he was waiting in the reception area when she walked through the door, a smile on his face.

“About time you got your butt over here,” he indicated for her to head into his office.  “Well, I guess I don’t have to ask what your decision was.  That rock announces it to the world for you.”

“What would you say if I told you that Jason and I agreed that the commute wouldn’t kill either of us?”  She raised her eyebrows, sitting back in her chair.

“If I thought you wanted to go back to that life, I’d say ‘good for you’.  Since I know you don’t, I’d ask what drugs you were taking when you agreed to that,” Jack leaned back and propped his feet on his desk.  “Are you staying?”

“I’m staying, and yes, Jason and I are getting married.  And, if your offer was a legitimate one, I’d like to take you up on it,” she found herself smiling over at him.

Jack grunted and handed over a file.  “As if I’d go through the hassle of making a non-legitimate offer.  Here, this all that tax crap you have to fill out in order to get on my payroll.  You can start in two weeks.  The offer letter is on top,” he grinned as she took the file from him.  “Damn, but it’ll be good to have you around.  No one else can think as fast with the comebacks as you can.”

“So you’re hiring me for my ability to give back the shit you toss around all day?  No wonder Stacy is never around.”  Standing up, she walked around the desk to give him a hug.  “Thanks, Jack.  You know just how to make a girl feel special.”

“You’re welcome, kid.” he gave her a quick grin and a wink.  “Now get out of here so I can get my work done.”

With a laugh, she headed out the door.  She headed into town, stopping at the grocery store to pick up the ingredients to make dinner for Jason, and then headed to his place.  She carried her purchases into the kitchen, and put everything away, and then took her bags into the bedroom.  She hesitated for a second before emptying out one of his dresser drawers for her things, and hanging up a few items in the closet. She took a deep breath and released it.  This was what she wanted.  She just had to continue to have faith that it would all work out.

NICOLE MADE SURE SHE HAD EVERYTHING PUT away in the bedroom.  She wanted to surprise Jason with her decision to move in with him.  Glancing at the clock, she realized it was time to get dinner in the oven.  It wasn’t anything fancy, but she remembered what Jason liked to eat.  Quick and easy, those were her favorite dinners to cook.

A little before five, she took a glass of wine and the file Jack had given her and stepped out onto the deck.  She settled herself into one of the lounge chairs and looked over the offer and started filling out the paperwork.  God, she hated all these tax forms.

A shadow fell over her papers, and she glanced up to find Jason standing over her.

“Hi,” she smiled up at him.  “How long have you been home?”

“I just got home.  I was a little confused when I couldn’t find you inside,” he sat down next to her legs on the chair.  “How long have
you
been here?”

“I got here around one, I guess.  I, uh, made you dinner.”  Closing the file, she started to stand up but stopped when he put his hand on her arm.

“I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable this morning, and I’m trying very hard not to push,” he took her hand and linked his fingers with hers.  “I just don’t want to lose you again.”

She reached over with her free hand and caressed his face.  “I know.  And I don’t mean to be difficult, but this…” she waved her hand to indicate the two of them, “this is very scary for me.  I’m not trying to stall, and I’m not running away.  I’ve told you what my mother was like, but now everything I ever believed about my childhood is in question.  If I remember right, you grew up in a house full of love.  I just need time to get used to all of this.”

Leaning forward, he stopped her with a kiss.  “It’s okay, Cole.  We can try to slow down.
I
can try to slow down.  I just need to know you’re as committed to us as I am,” he gave her another kiss, this one lingering for a few extra seconds.  “And I need you to share what you’re thinking.  I’m not a mind reader, you know,” he stood up and pulled her to her feet.  “What’s in the folder?”

“The offer letter from Jack and all the paperwork I’m supposed to fill out to get on the payroll.  I start in two weeks,” she followed him inside and set the folder on the counter.

“How soon will dinner be ready?” he asked as he grabbed a bottle of water from the refrigerator.

“About twenty minutes,” she told him, checking the oven.  “You have enough time to go change and relax for a few minutes.”

“I’m going to go take a quick shower, then,” he stepped over beside her and kissed her.

Nicole was smiling as he walked away.  That man could kiss, no doubt about that.  She sighed and turned to finish making their dinner, trying to keep her thoughts on what she was doing, not what he would look like naked, in the shower, with water running over him.  Shaking herself out of her daydreams, she grabbed the bread knife and started slicing the loaf of French bread she’d bought.

Twenty minutes later, he strode back into the kitchen, giving an appreciative sniff.  “Something smells good.”

“Perfect timing,” she commented, glancing over at him.  His hair was still damp and he’d shaved.  Pity.  She enjoyed feeling the stubble of his beard on her skin.

“Can you grab the veggies?” she paused when his arms came around her waist.

“I noticed the clothes hanging in the closet.  I take it the decision to move in with me has been made?”

Nicole turned into his embrace and laid her head on his chest, her arms encircling his waist.  “I thought that…I am committed to us, Jason.  This was my way of trying to meet you halfway.”

He tilted her face up so he could look in her eyes.  “I like it,” he kissed the tip of her nose and let her go.  After helping her put the rest of their meal on the table, he waited for her to sit down before he joined her.  “This looks good,” he reached for the chicken.  “So, besides moving a few things over here from the ranch and cooking dinner for us, what did you do all day?”

“By the time I went to the ranch, packed up a few things, drove to Jack’s office and then made a stop at the store, I didn’t have time to do much else before starting dinner.  I decided to start filling out all the tax forms right before you got home.”

“Is the offer worth it?” he glanced at the folder she’d left on the counter.

“You can look it over, if you want to.  It’s not quite the six figure salary I’d make in Austin, but it’s a solid offer,” turning in her chair, she reached over and snagged the folder.  “The health insurance is better than I had in Austin, believe it or not, and the cost of living will be cheaper here.  He’s offering me a full partnership in his business,” she watched him as he read the letter.  “Besides, you’re here.  That makes up for anything else,” she finished, earning herself a smile from him.

“Is the money that important to you?”  Setting the folder aside, he resumed eating his dinner.

“Not at all.  I want enough to be able to send my children to the college of their choice without worrying about it, and I’d like to be able to do all the fun stuff we want to do, without having to worry about where that money will come from.  But in all honesty, I’ve never touched the money my parents left me, and Uncle Steve’s had his investment team looking over it for me all these years, so I have a nice little nest egg already built up,” she revealed.  They’d never talked about finances.  She wasn’t sure how he’d feel about all of this information.

Pushing his plate away, he stretched his legs out in front of him and leaned back in his chair.  “Yeah, I use the same firm.  They’re an excellent team, great at what they do.  They’ve built up quite the portfolio for me, as well.  And speaking of good, dinner was excellent.  Thank you,” he leaned across the table to kiss her.  “Since you cooked, I’ll clean up.”

“Okay,” she agreed with a smile.  Standing up, he gave her a wink and started clearing the table.  She watched him in silence for a few minutes.

“Tell me about your childhood,” she invited.

“What?” startled, he glanced up from putting the dishes in the dishwasher.

“In all the time we spent together in college, we never talked about ourselves, at least, not our pasts.  I mean, I knew both of your parents were dead, like mine, and I knew you and Mitch had met in Austin while you were doing part of your residency.  But other than that, I don’t know anything about you,” her eyes followed his movements as he added soap to the dishwasher and closed the door.  Rinsing off his hands, he turned to face her as he dried them on a towel.

“Come on,” he reached over and snagged her hand and led her to the living room.  Sitting down on the sofa, he pulled her down beside him.

“Jason…”

“I promise we’ll talk.  I just like having you close,” he explained as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders.  As he started talking, she laid her head on his shoulder.  “I grew up near Houston.  My dad worked for NASA, and my mom was a housewife.  There were some complications with her pregnancy and so I wound up being an only child.”

“When did she die?”

“I was eight years old.  Old enough to understand what death was, but not old enough to understand why.  It was cancer, and she fought it for as long as she could, but her body just couldn’t take anymore,” he closed his eyes.

“Dad remarried about two years after her death.  I was too young to resent Janet, and she was nice enough to me,” his voice trailed off as he thought of his step-mother.  “Anyway, Dad and Janet had a little girl together, Bayleigh, who is a couple of years younger than you.  She was a real handful when she was in her teens and caused Janet a lot of grief, from what Janet told me.  Bayleigh ran off a couple of months after her high school graduation, hooked up with some singer in a band.  They thought they’d do better in England, so they’ve been over there for the last couple of years.  They’re signed to be an opening act for some band over there.  We keep in touch by email for the most part, an occasional phone call when we can get the time difference right.”

Jason leaned his head back against the sofa, staring at the ceiling.  “Dad developed some heart problems and had a few minor heart attacks, which forced him to retire.  He just gave up after that.  He died when I was twenty-four.  Janet died just a few years ago, complications from diabetes.”  They sat in silence for a few minutes, before Nicole sat up.

“I never had that,” she told him.  At his inquisitive look, she continued.  “Those secure feelings of knowing both of your parents loved you, or were even proud of you.  I knew my dad loved me, and he was always there when I needed to talk out my childhood problems, and he was proud of my grades.  But my mom…”  She had to swallow hard around the lump filling her throat.  “My mom, she never wasted an opportunity to tell me how I shouldn’t let boys distract me, reminding me love was an illusion.  I don’t remember her ever holding me or offering me comfort in any way.  After reading that letter, I guess I kind of get it.  But now I’m furious with my dad.

“Before, I hadn’t cared that she was gone.  It was easier to just be relieved that she wasn’t there to always knock me down.  But now…” she paused to take a deep breath.  “Now, I have all these questions about who my birth father was, and who was she running off with, and why did my dad not only kill her but himself, too?”

“Would it change anything if you could get those answers?” he cocked his head to the side.

“Depends on what you mean.  If I had names, I might be able to get some closure on all of this.  Would it change how I reacted to certain situations?  I doubt it.  I think I still would have been hesitant to admit to being in love,” she admitted.

“So, how
did
you convince yourself to take that leap and allow yourself to fall in love with me?” he asked pulling her back into the comfort of his arms.

“Somehow, you managed to break through those barriers I had up.  There was always that part of me that thought: what if she was right and love was just an illusion?  Not being loved by my own parent was bad enough, and I had no choice in who my parents were.  But I could choose whether or not to fall in love, and not have to risk being rejected a second time,” she laid her hand on his thigh.  “But then I met my cousin’s best friend.”

“And he scared the crap out of you and you spent years running in the opposite direction,” he supplied.

“I guess that’s one way of putting it,” she agreed, grimacing.  “Jason, have you ever thought about what might have happened if you had pushed me a little harder and had slept with me?”

He made her sit up and positioned himself so they were facing each other.  “Yeah, I thought about it a lot.  I thought about seducing you, and getting you pregnant and making you marry me.  Hell, all I would have had to do was spend the night and let Mitch catch me in your room; whether or not we’d had sex would have been irrelevant.  He would have been on the phone with Steve, Helen, with Jack conferenced in, within moments of that kind of discovery.  The four of them would have overridden any objections you had.”

“Why didn’t you?” she asked, wide-eyed, not realizing he’d ever put so much thought into it before.

“One simple reason:  I would have lost you anyway,” he took her hands in his.  “You didn’t tell me about your parents, or your mom’s twisted views back then, but some of the comments you did make…I knew someone had screwed you up somewhere along the line.  I knew if I took the choice away from you, you’d hate me.  I had to accept the fact that you wanted different things out of life,” he reached over and touched her cheek with his fingers.  “Or you thought you did.”

She leaned over and gave him a soft kiss.  “I thought I did.  Now all I want is a life with you,” she told him.  “I want everything you mentioned a few days ago including a few children.”

“I think I can manage to accommodate you,” he teased, pulling her back into his arms.  “When should we start?”

“Not until after October.  I would like to be married before we start trying to build you a dynasty,” Nicole smiled at him.

“Who said we’re getting married in October?  I thought you wanted a December wedding?”

“October would be meeting halfway,” she told him, earning another kiss.  They continued to sit on the couch, discussing their future together and making simple plans.  If only things could always be this easy and simple.