Lex and Lu (33 page)

“Have a say in it? What have I had a say in for the last nine years? I certainly didn’t have a say in you staying or going. Even though I believed you when you said you would come back and be with us, even knowing that, I knew you were leaving me. And you never looked back. I was alone and pregnant with my mother hounding me to have an abortion and my sister looking at me with pity because she knew you weren’t coming back. For six weeks I lived in limbo. And then I had to turn to your mother. Yes, she saved our child, but the price I had to pay for that, the price of your absence from our child’s life—that’s a big price. I sold my fucking soul that day. And where were you? Oh, you were off pursuing your dream. The shit part of it, Lex, is that I loved you enough that I convinced myself that it was the right thing for you.

“When Mr. P. died, I couldn’t stay away. I knew I should because I needed to stay away from you. But you wouldn’t leave me alone. I begged you for distance. I tried to stay away, but you kept coming. I knew that I had to tell you about Nina and the only way to do that was to keep the distance between us. But you couldn’t do that. You wore me down. Even then, fuck, even then I wanted to protect you. It was going to be hard enough telling you about Nina without having sex between us. You think I didn’t know that? That’s why I couldn’t look at you. I couldn’t have you inside of me and look into your eyes and lie to you. So don’t you dare fucking come at me about not feeling and about not acting. I’ve been doing nothing but feeling for you for my entire life. And every goddamn sacrifice I’ve made in the last nine years has been for you.”

Walking to him she got right in his face. “Is that what you needed to know, Lex? Did I stroke your ego enough? Does it make you feel better to know that I’ve loved you the whole time? That I never stopped? That my dreams, which I’ve buried but held on to, are filled with images of us being a family? Does that make you fucking happy, Lex?” Seething, with tears she couldn’t feel coursing down her face, she held her ground. “Don’t you dare call me the Ice Queen, you son of a bitch. You fucking left me. So any ice around my heart is on you.”

He reached out for her, trying to pull her into his embrace, but she fought him, arms flailing as her strength was no match for his. He held her stiffly in his arms, with her still pushing him away.

“Lu, I’m so sorry.”

Pushing against him with a force that surprised both of them, she flew back from his body. “Don’t fucking touch me. I don’t want your pity. I don’t want anything from you.” She turned and ran from the room.

He tried. She’d asked him to leave her alone and he did. For about fifteen minutes. Fifteen slow, agonizing minutes. Sitting heavily on the couch, his head resting in his hands, he fought the good fight. Then he followed her. Opening the door to her room, he found her standing at the window, arms wrapped tightly across her chest. He silently closed the door and walked to her. Engulfing her tiny frame, he slid his arms around her and pulled her against him. This time, she didn’t fight.

He’d expected tears, but her silence spread through him, a chasm between them.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered as he bent his head to her ear. Without meaning to or even being conscious of his actions, he kissed her below her ear, on the spot he’d claimed at seventeen.

Lu drew a long shuddering breath that rippled through both of them. “What are you sorry for?” she asked, no hint of her earlier anger present.

He didn’t mean to, but he smiled against her neck. “A lot. Mostly for the funeral.”

He felt her stiffen.

“What do you mean?” she asked.

Without relinquishing his hold on her, he tried to comfort her with his body, hoping to soften his words. “My relentless pursuit,” he said simply.

“Of everything—that’s what you are sorry for?”

He knew that if he’d been looking at her, her eyes would have been wide with questions. “Yeah. We’d be in a different place if I’d stayed away from you.”

She shrugged. “Perhaps.”

He lifted his head from her neck and rested it on hers. Standing together, they were quiet for a long time, both lost in their thoughts, not ready to share. Lex attempted to reconcile his part in the sequence of events that had brought them to this point. He’d been slowly maneuvering the pieces in his mind, trying to get a clear picture. He chalked up his laissez-faire reaction to Lu’s supposed abortion and his subsequent radio silence to the category of immaturity. At nineteen, with his dream within his reach, he’d taken the out that was offered. Even with hindsight, blah, blah, blah, he thought the outcome would have been the same. What he could have changed, the thing he wished they could do over, was his relentless pursuit of her when they met at the funeral. He was so accustomed to sex without strings that he’d blown their chance. If he’d listened to her, her plea for him to give her time to talk to him after the funeral, maybe this outcome could have been different.

Or maybe not, he thought as his body began to react to her nearness. He wasn’t sure when the embrace of comfort began to change. He’d wanted her then and he wanted her now. But that’s exactly what had gotten them here—separated by their past. Kissing her on top of the head, he let her go.

Lex expected Lu to bail on their Christmas Eve activities. He’d expected it and almost welcomed it. After their fight, he’d been unable to sleep. He’d hoped that if he pushed her hard enough she’d let go of some of the tightly held control. Fairly certain that she’d held on to all of that anger and angst for the last nine years, he couldn’t help but experience a myriad of emotions. She’d needed to say all of those things to him years ago. He’d robbed her of an outlet. Who did she have to talk to all of those years? Even Willa seemed to play some inadvertent role in their saga. While he felt sorry for all the pain he’d caused her, she’d admitted to him that she still hoped they could be together. He didn’t know if she still held on to that dream, but he knew midway through their fight he wanted that.

He’d assumed that their coming together at the funeral had all been about familiarity and comfort. But being with her he experienced emotions he’d been unable to replicate during his years away from her. The night they’d spent together at his father’s funeral haunted him—that and their last encounter. He didn’t know if he would be able to convince her, but he wanted another chance. But he was stuck. He couldn’t ask her to take another chance on him. He knew he could coerce her, but he didn’t want to have to. So for the day, he left her to her own devices and did his best to provide her with the space she seemed to want.

They’d picked up their parents early and had strolled through the city without any agenda. Although Lu was present, Lu’s reticence toward him was apparent—if not to everyone, then to Willa, Pete, and Lex. Her attentiveness to all the proceedings waned often, and she seemed to drop behind to take in something that everyone else had blown by. By three o’clock, they finished up with their touring and headed back to get ready for dinner. Lex had rented out a room at a seafood restaurant for their Christmas Eve dinner. It wasn’t the traditional party, but the fare would be similar. Everyone had been on their best behavior, so he had high hopes that dinner would be a pleasant experience. He’d taken Nina shopping before everyone arrived and she’d picked out a very traditional Christmas dress that she’d kept hidden from Lu so she could surprise her.

Lex showered and got dressed. As he put on his suit jacket, images of him and Lu together in the Sunday-school room flashed through his mind. It was the last time he’d worn this suit and he hoped Lu didn’t recognize it—a reminder of his darkest hour. He pushed his hands in the pocket and drew out an envelope. He saw his father’s bold script. Feeling like the air had been sucked out of the room, Lex sank to his bed. In all of the chaos of that day, he’d completely forgotten about the letter. It took him ten minutes of internal debate to decide if he wanted to read it now or wait until after dinner. But having forgotten about it for so long, he pulled open the envelope and pulled it out.

Dear Lex,

Unfortunately when you read this letter, I will no longer be with you. It seems odd to write those words even though I’ve had a lot of time to get used to the idea. I’ve also included a letter for Pete in here figuring Caroline would safeguard both until it was time to hand them to you. Even though I know you will, allow Pete to decide if he’d like to share it with you. With the years and bond between you two, I imagine he’ll do it on his own accord.

Being a parent to the two of you has been the greatest experience of my life. Had someone told me how hard it would be when I was younger, I was arrogant enough that I wouldn’t have believed them but you will know soon what I mean. You hope every day that you are doing the right thing for your children and teaching them the right lessons. The men that you and Pete have become provide me with peace and pride as I know that your mother and I were able to get something right. Although I have to say that we were merely stewards as you were each your own people from birth.

We did make a mistake though—probably the biggest mistake of my life and every day I pay the price of that mistake. I’m not sure of the timeline of events but I hope that you have already met Nina when you read this. She is amazing and has given me untold joy over the last eight years. Two years ago, I told her about you. I feel bad for betraying Lu but I wanted you to have a chance with Nina—a chance that we denied you.

What I want you to know is that none of us gave Lu and you enough credit. She’s never been able to get over you and I don’t think you’ve ever really gotten over her. You’ve never let anyone else into your heart even though you have this amazing capacity to love. I know your first inclination will be to blame her, but we completely overruled, overpowered her. She had no chance. So as you two attempt to move forward, work to forgive her and help her to forgive you. In her mind, she’s exonerated you of any wrongdoing, but I’m not sure her heart has had the time to understand that you left. Try to find your way back to her. And if it’s not Lu who you want to be with, let someone in.

I wish I was going to get the opportunity to see you and Nina together. I know you will have to work at this parenting thing, as we ALL have to, but you will find that she is this amazing combination of all that is good in you and Lu with all of her own stamps of independence and personality. Enjoy her as I have enjoyed you and Pete. One more thing, try to forgive your mother too. She did everything she thought was right for you at the time. Her strength has fortified our family since its inception.

I am so proud, happy, overwhelmed that I was given the gift of being your father.

Dad

Lex sat for a long time, rereading the letter. Drops smearing the ink on the paper made him realize he had cried, finally feeling the grief of his father’s death. He wondered if he’d read this letter back in May if things with himself and Lu would have played out differently. Funny that he was just starting to reach the same conclusions his father had reached some time ago. He’d met the love of his life at age eight. Who does that, he thought. He debated about giving Pete his letter before dinner since he’d withheld it for so long, it was time. He went to Pete’s room, and knocked softly.

When Willa answered the door, he said “I need to speak to Pete.”

Willa’s eyes widened. “Of course.”

“I look that bad?” he asked with a sad smile.

She pulled him into a hug. “Yes,” she whispered. “You look like shit.”

He chuckled. “Don’t go far. Pete’s probably going to need you,” he said as he walked into the room and closed the door.

Pete walked out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist. He started at finding Lex standing there.

Lex smiled. “Sorry Bro. I’m sure you were expecting Will.”

Pete laughed. “Good thing I didn’t walk out here naked.”

“Yeah, like I’ve never seen you naked before.”

“But if I’m walking around naked with Willa around, it’s a different look.”

“Totally a visual I didn’t need, Bro,” Lex said laughing.

“Let me get some pants on, then we can talk?” Pete looked questioningly at Lex. At Lex’s nod, he said, “OK, give me a sec.”

Once he was dressed, Pete came out and sat on the bed, across from Lex, who had taken up residence in the chair opposite.

“What’s up?” Pete asked.

“At the funeral, Caroline gave me a letter from Dad.”

Pete’s eyes got wide.

“With everything that happened that day, I forgot about it. But there is a letter for you also. I’m sorry I didn’t get it to you sooner.”

“Bro, don’t worry about that.” He took in Lex’s appearance. “Are you OK?”

Lex didn’t answer for a moment. “Yeah. Just …” he paused, “… most of the letter was fine. It’s just one thing is bothering me. I’ll let you read yours without me hovering, but I’m just curious if you have the same feeling.”

Pete nodded. “OK. But stay. OK?”

Lex didn’t move. Pete took the letter and began to read. He couldn’t have read more than a couple of lines when he glanced up and met Lex’s gaze. In that moment something passed between the two of them. Pete returned to his letter. When he was done, he looked up again.