Lex and Lu (32 page)

“God, I’ve missed her,” Lex said matter-of-factly, still chuckling.

Lu felt a hot streak of jealousy rip through her. Drinking her wine, she said nothing, bristling at Lex and Willa’s renewed friendship.

Lex laid out on the couch, propping his feet on the opposite arm, completely relaxed. Turning his head to the side so that he could see Lu, he watched her for a couple of minutes, saying nothing. She seemed lost in her own thoughts. Finally, he said, “Nina is amazing, Lu. You’ve done a great job raising her. Thank you.”

Lu raised her eyes and met his. “You know that whole nature-versus-nurture argument?” At his nod, she continued. “As a parent, I have to say that nature wins out hands down. It’s like I’ve had no influence on her. She popped out at birth and was this being who existed as she saw fit to exist. While I appreciate the compliment, I’m not sure what I’ve had to do with her.”

“Do you think our parents thought that of us?”

“Certainly exonerates them, doesn’t it.”

He laughed. “Yeah, I guess. And you are far more of an expert than me, but I can see you in her at almost every moment. She may have my pace, but she definitely has your brains and your ability to take everything in, evaluate it, and come to a decision about it. Half the time she’s been with me I thought I was with you as a little girl. It was rather comforting. I thought, I can really suck at being a father and she is going to be OK.”

“You’re not going to suck at being a father, Lex. Just like everything you’ve ever done, it comes naturally to you.”

He shrugged. “I hope.” A comfortable silence descended between them. “Are you OK with being here?”

His question caught her off guard. “Yes, I am.”

“Even with the grandparents showing up tomorrow?”

“Are you?” she shot back.

Laughing again, he said, “I don’t know. The last time I saw Jo I essentially told her to fuck off. And I haven’t seen Amber since you told me that she became mommy dearest when I left. I’m feeling a little put out by that. So, I’m not sure if I’m up for the next two days.”

“Lex, why is all of this so important all of a sudden?”

Turning his head away from her and looking up at the ceiling, he seemed to contemplate his answer. “Are you sure you want me to answer that?”

She rolled her eyes. “I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want the answer.”

“Does that mean you’re ready to talk to me?”

“I thought I asked you a question, not the other way around,” she retorted.

He turned his head again and pinned her with his eyes. “If we start this conversation, I’m going to be looking for answers too. I just want to know if you’re ready for that.”

“Yup,” she responded as if he’d asked her if she wanted more wine. Without Nina, Willa, and Pete providing distractions, Lu’s relaxed mood had fizzled into a nervous anticipation. If having this conversation would allow things to retire to some new normal for them, then she was more than ready.

Lex turned back to look at the ceiling, seemingly telling her it would be easier if he didn’t have to look at her. Although she’d employed that method often during their exchanges, it hurt that he found more comfort in the ceiling than in her eyes.

“I told you that your graduation was almost a turning point for me. Up until that weekend, I’d been going through the motions. Not just in my personal relationships but with soccer too. That’s why the whole scene with Malcolm,” he reminded her. He turned to look at her to see her acknowledgement. When she nodded, he continued. “I think it was the drunk texts.” He chuckled softly. “There you were, calling me out from across the pond. I texted Pete after that to make sure you got home OK. And when I did that I felt like it was all wrong. My brother was with you and my daughter, celebrating your graduation, and I was sitting alone in my home. I got mad and then I got drunk.” He turned to look at Lu again. “I have never been that drunk. While I was drunk I needed to know.” He paused. “You know, at the funeral, I knew you were feeding me a line of bullshit about the family not telling me. That’s just not you, but I bought it because otherwise, I thought, everyone in my life had been lying to me for a very long time. It was one of those moments when I remembered how amazing you are.”

He stopped, but Lu knew that it wasn’t for her to make a comment.

“I jumped online and bought a ticket home. Which tells you how fucked up I was, because I had a game in four days and the last thing I needed was to miss practice for a transatlantic flight. Anyway, I get home and Jo’s not there. She’s at your graduation too. I couldn’t believe it. Everyone was a part of my family except me. I don’t know if I can describe the rage I felt.”

He looked at her again. “You know it though, don’t you?”

Lu stared at him questioningly.

“That day, in the Sunday-school room.” He paused and let it sink in. “There is no description for the rage, Lu. And being mad just isn’t part of who I am. I was out of control, unable to rein it in. Luckily Jo didn’t come home for another twenty-four hours, and by then it had gone. I questioned her and she told me what happened—her version, which, by the way, fits with yours—except for the part where she’s your savior. She didn’t try to make herself look good, which I respect. But it all seemed so callous, and I couldn’t take it. I left there after telling her to basically stay away. And then I found myself at Willa’s.”

He laughed again. “I wish you could have seen her face. You would have loved it. You know Willa is never caught off guard.” More laughter. “Fucking classic.”

“She didn’t tell me anything other than you spent the night there.”

He nodded his head and went back to looking at the ceiling. “Of course she didn’t. That’s Willa. If I ever need a lawyer again, I’m hiring her.”

“Smart man,” Lu said, grinning. “So are you going to tell me anything?”

“Probably not,” he said.

Lu felt herself struggling with the mad again.

“I fired Caroline,” Lex informed her.

“What?” Lu’s surprise was evident in her voice.

He didn’t elaborate. Lu guessed that was his way of telling her something, but she wasn’t sure what she was supposed to get out of it.

“Mr. Helms wants you,” she informed him, as though she knew anything about it.

“Yeah, I’m meeting with some potential replacements when we get back. My contract’s coming up, but it’s not happening right now, so I have some time to make a good decision.” Lex sat up. Leaning forward, he said, “Our conversation that night, when you told me about my mother, that changed how I felt. I need to make it up to her. So that’s why I want her here. I’ve also gathered that things between her and Dr. A. have been pretty tense. I thought if I got them away from Sarasota, they could maybe see their way through.”

Taking a deep breath, Lex shifted. “So, is that a good enough explanation?” he asked.

Lu looked at him and nodded her head. “Yes, it is.”

“You feel satisfied? I explained myself.”

Lu should have sensed a trap, but she didn’t. She was caught up in his shared confidences and feeling as though they were forging some bond. “Yes. Thank you for telling me.”

“Don’t thank me, Lu. It comes with a price.”

“A price?” she said, stupidly.

“Yes, a price.”

“Well, don’t keep me in suspense,” she said flippantly, smiling at him like this was all normal banter.

Lex didn’t say anything. He looked at her for a long while. Lu imagined she should have felt nervous, but something more like an adrenaline rush coursed through her. Like the anticipation of a first kiss. As he continued to study her, her stomach did flips. But his eyes never wavered from her face. There were no longing glances at her lips. He didn’t look like a man in the throes of desire.

Lex knew that this conversation had to take place, but he felt caught between the desire to have it and the knowledge that it could snap the tenuous twig of their relationship. As much as he wanted to spare her any hurt, he needed for her to come clean. He had to know. He struggled to figure out if he should channel Willa’s in-your-face approach or Pete’s diplomatic one. What he needed from her had nothing to do with Nina or Jo or Dr. A. Bracing himself, he stepped to the edge of the precipice and prayed that he could have this conversation while preserving their fledging truce.

He got up from the couch and sat on the coffee table directly in front of her, invading her space. His proximity took over the anticipation and turned it toward nervous. Bracing his arms on his legs, he leaned toward her.

“Why did you sleep with me?”

Lu shouldn’t have been shocked, but the question threw her. Her hands shook, so she quickly put the wineglass down. She couldn’t move away from him as he’d effectively trapped her between the couch, the coffee table, and himself. She wanted to look anywhere but at him, but the only way to avoid him would have been to close her eyes, and she wasn’t that much of a wimp. But maybe she could bluff her way out of this conversation. She felt pretty confident that Lex didn’t really want to know her reason.

She smiled what she hoped was a convincing smile. “Do I really need to explain basic chemistry to you, Lex?” She tried to keep her tone from flippant, knowing he’d sniff that out pretty quickly.

Raising his eyebrow, he attempted to model the death stare. Damn it, he thought, she’s going to fight me on this. He knew then that she didn’t trust him enough, but he’d already peered into Pandora’s box and there wasn’t anything he was going to do to try to fit the top back on.

“Sure, Lu. I get chemistry. Been doing it for a lot longer than you and have most assuredly mixed a lot more reactants together. That’s what you want to chalk it up to? Just sex?”

Again with the jealously, thought Lu as his reference to his healthy sex life smacked her in the face. Part of her wanted to tell him, but she held tightly to her childhood dreams, not willing for them to be shattered by his adult reality. “Look, Lex, we were both in the same place at the same time for the first time in almost ten years. Of course we resorted back into the roles. It’s completely natural that we ended up there.”

“Completely natural, huh?” Lex studied her. He wasn’t sure how far she would take the sophisticated-sexual-being routine, but for the moment he was content to let her continue.

“Yes.” Lu leaned forward and put her hand on Lex’s knee. The casualness of the effort took everything she had in her. “We are going to be raising a daughter together and I don’t want things to be strange between us. I don’t want to feel like I have to be ready for our interactions. We probably shouldn’t have been together back in May, but we can’t undo that now. Let’s just chalk it up to a mistake and move forward.”

“A mistake?”

“Yes. A pleasant mistake,” she smiled, hoping that she was convincing him.

Annoyed with her, Lex got up, disengaging from her touch and putting some physical distance between them. “How many men have you slept with since I left?” he asked.

“That’s none of your business, Lex,” Lu responded, laughing, not rising to his bait while she prayed this would be over soon.

“I’m just trying to figure out if casual sex is your thing,” he responded, a cutting edge to his voice.

“Lex. Why are you mad?” she asked innocently, but the act became harder.

Lex mentally threw up his hands. Talking to her wasn’t working. He walked back to where she was sitting. Grabbing her by the arms, he pulled her off the couch and into his body. His left hand snaked around the back of her head drawing her mouth to his. Her eyes wide with surprise, he kissed her, hoping to knock the shroud of nonchalance from her. She resisted for half a second before her mouth opened to welcome his. He’d meant to jar her, but kissing her felt too good. He felt her arms move up around his neck, her fingers tangling in his hair. Pliant for the moment, he wished she would let him into her thoughts and not just into her body. Remembering May, he broke the kiss.

Lu felt him pull away from her. Part of her relieved, part disappointed. When he pushed her away from him, the look on his face didn’t scream of passion and love as she’d hoped. Instead she saw his mad. Bracing herself, she stepped away from him.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” he snapped at her.

She hated her reaction to him. Her body betrayed her every time. Looking at his, she could see the tension radiating off of him, but she didn’t understand why he wanted to push them down this path. What would come of it if she told him she’d waited for him for the last nine years? It would make every encounter difficult. They’d go back to communicating through his lawyer. She just wanted to be able to coexist with him. It was enough for now.

“What the fuck happened to you?” he said.

Startled by his anger and a little pissed that he was mad at her, she snapped back at him. “What is your problem?”

“My problem is you. Who are you? You’re the fucking Ice Queen. Do you feel anything?” Lex was so frustrated he didn’t know what to do with it. Was this really who she was? This woman who had no feeling, who could act like what happened between them was simple chemistry, not any emotion. Did she really think that the sex they had in the Sunday-school room was OK? He’d had nightmares about that encounter, had woken up in a cold sweat thinking he’d practically raped her. How was she OK with that? Why didn’t she react? Had his desertion stunted her so much that she didn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t react to anything? He’d forced her to move to England and she hadn’t even batted an eyelash.

Lu flinched.

He saw it and decided to hell with it; he was going for broke.

“I practically raped you that day, Lu. Can you sit there and tell me that it’s OK?” he asked.

She flinched again. “You’d just lost your father and found out that you had an eight-year-old daughter—who I’d kept from you.”

“Really? You’re letting me off that easy?” He shook his head. “What happened to you? Why don’t you defend yourself? Why are you letting everything happen to you rather than trying to have a say in it?”

Lu would never know what part of his tirade finally pushed her too far. She felt betrayed by him in that moment, as if everything she’d done for him and his daughter wasn’t enough for him to allow her the existence that she knew she could handle. But suddenly, her mouth opened and her soul lay bare.