Libera Me (5 page)

I release a sharp breath. And another.

This isn’t how this should work. Instead of more memories, I feel less somehow. Like the last remnants of Nesy have somehow been purged.

Nesy, come back. I know you’re in here somewhere. Please.

I wait, praying for images, memories, to take shape.

From the depths of darkness comes a new landscape. Her mind lightens as the shapes take hold. Old building carved from stone lay in ruins around the memory. Mist weaves through her thoughts.

Infernum.
Azza’s realm.

Smoke wafts in and out of the ancient architecture.

“You aren’t keeping your end of the bargain, Little Angel.”

The voice sends chills through my mind.

“This isn’t possible.”

The smoke billows in front of me, forming a familiar face. “Really? Because I am here. Real.”

The face ripples like stones on water.

“You, however, should not have come. You promised you would leave things be, that you wouldn’t search for her.”

“No, I never said that. You took my sight so that I couldn’t look.”

“And yet, here you are. Tell me, have you satisfied your curiosity, rummaging through this poor girl’s thoughts?”

What I feel has nothing to do with satisfaction.

“I thought not. You want more than to know she lives, I suspect. But I am afraid you are in the wrong place for that.”

“Release her mind and let me see what you hide.”

I stare through the smoke, watching it thin until it disappears from her thoughts entirely.

“I hide nothing,” the smoke says. “Can you truly say the same about yourself?”

I stumble with the words as the caverns of Nesy’s mind again turn. She begins to toss in her sleep, calling out.

“Why,” she says too loud. “Why?”

Her mind answers, forming into a familiar scene.

The battle with Azza.

I watch the fight, her moves well practiced. She dodges his attack, launches her own assault. Back and forth until she finally wounds him.

She surveys the scene, looking for Aydan I know. I hear her yell “No”, see Azza’s sword pierce her skin.

But she doesn’t fall.

Throwing her head back, she laughs, the sound changing from Nesy’s familiar voice to something else.

Something sinister.

Her blond hair darkens. Her skin tones deepen. And her eyes lose their sparkle.

She pins her gaze to me and yanks the sword free from her back.

“You will pay,” she says. “Soon.”

The image collapses, becoming a swirling black oblivion around me. I fall backwards, out of her thoughts and into Aydan’s room. Nesy stirs violently, bolting up to a seated position. Her eyes pop open and she turns, staring at me.

“No,” she whispers. “No.”  She edges away from me, fear painting every line on her face. “Go away,” she says, louder. “
Relinquere!
Go!”

A large hole opens and I am sucked into a vortex, racing backwards to an unknown destination.

Chapter 7 – DREAD

Aydan

Pictures swirl together as the nightmare unfolds. Nessa’s scream churns in time with the images, throwing everything into chaos, until every thought focuses into a single event replaying in my mind…

“Ah, you’ve returned to me at last.” His voice is as foul as the distinct stench of death he wears.

“Azza.”

“Are you ready to honor your oath, UnHoly?”

“Never.”

“I thought you’d say that.” Azza waves his hands, revealing an image of Nesy trapped behind a glass barrier.

“What are you doing?”

“Forcing your hand. You owe me a debt.” Azza steps closer, his gaze piercing mine. “Did you think I would let you forget? Let you escape your oath?”

“I won’t become your slave.”

“You already are; being human changes nothing.” Azza draws his ancient angelic sword and slices his palm, coating the blade with his blood. “It’s time.”

I take a step back.

And another.

Scanning the landscapes that coalesce in my thoughts, I search for a way out. But there is none, no way to end the onslaught of images clicking forward.

“Wake up,” I whisper. “Wake up, wake up, wake up.”

I trip, stumble.

Fall...

I wake with a start. Sun streams through my window, warming my skin. I reach across the bed, craving the only one that can calm my fears.

The smooth linen of the sheet is cold. Empty.

She isn’t here.

Why didn’t you stay?

My pulse starts to race as a distant laughter rolls through my thoughts. Grabbing the phone, I pound out the message without thinking:

Where are you? Why’d you leave? I’m worried. Please call.

I click send and dial her number. It rings once…twice…

Nothing but voice mail.

Tension laces through my fingers and I toss the phone next to me. Last night scrolls through my mind. The dinner, the kisses. A lifetime lived in those few hours. She said she wasn’t Nesy. Said she remembers nothing of our past—the centuries we’ve spent loving each other, the battles we’ve fought.

Nothing of her death.

I suppose it’s a blessing that she doesn’t remember the monster I once was.

It’s time.

The phrase wafts through my rambling thoughts, reminding me of the nightmare. I touch my neck, my throat, feeling each curve of the markings on my skin.

Am I still the Beast?

No. That life is gone. Nesy—Nessa—is here. And one way or another, I
will
help her remember our love. We will create new memories.

But…

My mind swirls with doubt. Her amnesia scares me.

“What if I’m really not
your
Nesy?”
Nessa’s words reach through me, unleashing an unspoken terror.

What if she isn’t Nesy reborn? What if her amnesia is a mask to hide her true identity? What if she is an UnHoly? Or worse, what if she is Azza in disguise?

What if?

      What if?         

The words plague me and I sit up, shaking off the last remnants of sleep. My head throbs, a reminder of the rest of last night. The attack. Her screams. The lies she fed me about what had actually occurred.

There is so much hidden from me now, so much that doesn’t make sense. I know I can’t push her and yet I need answers.

My mind is confused. Foreign. I grab the old leather journal from my nightstand, ready to again purge my doubts onto the pages. Gabriel was right about this book; right about a lot of things. Writing down my feelings does orient me in a way I never expected. It does keep me focused and whole.

The leather bindings are cracked and worn, the pages crumbled. This journal brought me back to myself, pulling me out of a profound despair.

It helped me to find Nesy again.

      If it’s her.

Smoke fills my senses and doubt again clouds my vision as the other explanations for her amnesia and lies, dance across my mind.  

Azza.

My stomach lurches. I cling to the journal, stroking the binding.

No
, I scream through my thoughts.
Don’t do this. She isn’t Azza. She isn’t demonic
.

I open to a new page.

Words crowd my senses, weaving into an unintelligible mass. I can’t separate the ideas or bring my thoughts into focus. Everything is raw, snippets of musings that refuse to gel. My hand shakes as I grab the pen and force it to paper.

Too many ideas.

Too many feelings.

Too much chaos.

I want to blame it on being human. But that isn’t it. I’ve felt like this before—when I needed to feed, when the Beast ruled my thoughts.

Desperate pangs cramp my stomach and a familiar tug pulls at the back of my throat.

“No,” I yell.

I force my pen across the page, ripping the paper. I need to get this out of my head, need to purge myself of these thoughts before they consume me.

Evil…distrust…worry…

The words ramble together in jumbled passages.

Need…want…fear…

I force myself to think of Nessa. Only Nessa. The way her brown hair, streaked with golden strands, caresses her shoulders in unkempt angles and how her mouth forms a crocked smile.

Nothing about her is like Nesy. Not her hair or build, nor the fear or anxiety that seem to be woven into her skin. And yet, I am certain that it must be her.

The words continue to tumble on the page, a private record of everything I can’t say aloud.

What if I’m wrong?

What if it’s a trick?

What if…?

The doubt is palpable. I don’t want to believe that Nessa is someone else, don’t want to go back to the despair I knew before she appeared in my life. My hand cramps and I stop, allowing my mind to clear.

Forcing it to.

I can’t give in to these feelings, can’t let them separate me from Nessa. She makes me happy. She fills that void created the moment Azza’s blade sliced into my beloved.

She keeps me whole.

Maybe it doesn’t matter if she isn’t
my
Nesy. Maybe it’s enough if she is simply Nessa, a girl I’ve met, a girl that holds my heart.

Maybe.

I tighten my grip on the pen and turn to a new page. Inhaling a sharp breath that pulls my thoughts into tight focus, I write my promise:

Nesy, you will remember me, remember us, one day. Until that time, I will hold our memories, cultivate our life. Until that time, I will love for both of us.

Closing the journal, I release a heavy sigh. And remember the attack, the nightmare, and a truth I want to deny. I may not be certain who Nessa is, but I know what lives inside me still.

The Beast.

Chapter 8 – Blind

Zane

The spinning darkness slows, stops, dumping me out into a blinding light. The air smells thick of sunshine.

Celestium.

I straighten, confused. How did I get here? There’s no way Nesy could have sent me; not now, not while she's mortal. Human.

I run through our last moments together, hearing her again speak the ancient prayers. She pushed me out of her thoughts. Sent me here.

Brushing off the dirt that clings to my robes and skin, I survey the landscape. Four towers reach up in the distance. Sentinals run through drills on the distant hill. Groups of Anointed dot the fields behind me, their indigo wings casting shards of dark blue light sparkling across the grass. Everything is as it always is.

A small grove of trees covers the crest of a hill behind me. Instantly I think of Nesy and the times we spent sparing in that grove. She trained so hard, constantly afraid that Mikayel would see her as weak.

He never did.

My mind turns to Nessa—the way she fought her attackers, the sound of the ancient prayers on her tongue. So similar to Nesy yet so different.

I think of Aydan and the pain, the torment, in his thoughts. There is a rage and ruthless vengeance that lives just below the surface; the marks of the UnHoly. Still.

The memories pass. I turn away from the grove, that life, and walk back to my tower. The sooner I can speak with the Council, the sooner I can get them to accept what I already know.

Nessa is Nesy. And she needs our help, whether she knows it or not.

“Nice of you to find your way home.” Cass walks away from her Anointed brethren to join me. “I wasn’t sure you would.”

My wings bristle as she approaches. “Did you report me?”

“Not yet.”

The air stiffens between us.

“Do I still need to?” she asks. “Or have you finally come to your senses?”

I brush past her, unwilling to hash out the same argument again.

“I guess not,” she says as she catches up with me.

“Leave it alone, Cass. I know what I’m doing.”

“Hardly.”

We walk in silence, entering the main tower gates. The dark gold shines in Celestium’s sun, matching the brilliance of the Sentinals. Again I think of Nesy.

“Where are we headed?” Cass asks.

“If you must know, I’m going to the Council. They need to protect Nesy, and I intend to tell them.”

Cass reaches out for my arm, stopping me where I stand. “I won’t let you do that. You’d be admitting too much to them.”

“Well, I’m not going to do nothing. Not while the Beast grows inside of Aydan and Nesy is…well not while she struggles.”

Cass’s eyebrow rises. “Something happened, didn’t it?”

I swallow, unsure of what to say.

“Tell me.”

She enters my heart. No point in hiding the truth from her. Not while she can read it across my emotions.

“I saw her dreams.”

Images of the nightmare splash in front of me. The fear in Nesy’s thoughts. The dreams I tried to plant. And the smoke that spoke through her.

Cass’s brow furrows as I feel her retreat from my thoughts. “Azryel’s Wings, Zane. I thought you were smarter than this.”

Cass’s anger washes through me.

“You could have been killed. Did you bother to think about that?”

“I…”

“No! Don’t make excuses.” She paces, blocking my path into the Council chambers. “I can’t believe you’d risk everything. For what exactly?”

“Proof! And I have it now. The smoke practically admitted that Nessa was Nesy.”

“And demonic smoke is so trustworthy.” Cass fumes, mumbling under her breath.

“Look, nothing happened.”

Cass stops, spins, glaring at me. “Nothing happened? Nothing. Happened! Hardly. The demonic smoke found you and used that girl to do it.”

“Nesy.”

“No. Not Nesy. The smoke could have used anyone. Anything. If you actually thought about any of this, you’d know that.”

Cass turns away, but not before I see the tears forming in her eyes.