Liberty (18 page)

Chapter Seventeen

“M
ad dog!” Georgie ambled into Ryan’s office, lowering his big body into the chair in front of his desk.

Ryan was surprised he had the nerve to show his face here after the confrontation they’d had at the Calloway. Especially since Georgie had the nerve to visit Ryan’s wife at work.

“What do you want?” he snapped.

“What the hell is wrong with you? Everybody’s been saying you’ve been in a funk for days.”

“So?”

He
was
in a funk. That evening with Lexy was a disaster. He’d made love to her and she started to sob. He saw her face every night when he closed his eyes. She was in pain, and instead of holding her and helping her through it, he turned away. He didn’t know how to handle her tears at the time. It made him wonder what her husband had done to her to make her so terrified of him. Did she cry every time? Did the real Ryan force her through the tears?

“What’s wrong with you, man?”

Lexy wasn’t speaking to him, which was fine because he couldn’t even look at her. She looked so...sad. She warned him. She told him she might not be able to go through with it and yet he ignored her. What kind of man was he?

“Stay away from my wife.”

“What?” His eyes widened. “I haven’t touched her in years.”

“Years?” He gripped the edge of his desk to avoid lashing out at him. “You better not touch her ever again. Why did you go visit her at the library?”

“Uh, I was just making sure you all were okay.” He swallowed.

Ryan watched Georgie’s big Adam’s apple move as he grasped for an explanation.

“That’s not your job.”

“It is,” he spat. “You took her from me. I saw her first. You knew I loved her and then you had to marry her. You didn’t even treat her right. You beat her—you called her names. If you would’ve let me have her she would have been happy.”

“She didn’t want you,” he bellowed. “And you sure as hell didn’t love her. If you did, you would have never let any of that happen to her. If you loved her, you would have kicked my ass. If you loved her, you would have treated her with respect instead groping her. She’s too good for you, George. She never wanted you. She never will.”

Georgie’s lips spread into a thin line as cold fury spread over his face. “She’s too stupid to realize it. I’ve been waiting for her to come to her senses. It’s only a matter of time before she leaves you. I used to worry she was going to stay with you but I’ve seen her these past few days. She’s just as miserable as she was before you left. You’ll see. I’ll finally get what’s mine.”

“I’ll kill you Georgie. Dead. Don’t fuck with me.”

“Whatever, Ryan. I ain’t scared of you. You only hit women.” Georgie gave him one last hard look before he walked out.

He had to leave here. Texas wasn’t his home but he wasn’t sure where his home was. The only thing he could do was go back to the place he and Ryan Beecher had in common. He would reenlist as soon as he was able.

* * *

“Lexy.” Di walked into the library and sank down in one of the cushy armchairs that were located in the fiction section.

“Hello, Di.”

“Sit down, honey.” Di motioned to the chair opposite her.

“What’s wrong?” Lexy sat as a beat of concern passed through her. Di looked exhausted when she was normally so full of energy.

“I’m knocked up again.”

“Di! You are? I’m so happy for you,” Lexy said sincerely. She ignored the little knife of jealousy that stabbed her in the gut. They were the same age. Di was going to have four kids. Lexy still didn’t have any.

“Yeah, yeah. I’ve got morning sickness. I’m exhausted and we’re broke, but my husband is happier than a pig in shit.” She sighed. “That’s not what I came here for. You’re miserable and you’re making the whole damn town sad just looking at you. What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Don’t lie to me, Lexy. You wouldn’t let me be here for you the last time. Let me be here for you this time.”

“It’s Ryan.”

Di went on guard, her slender body rigid. “Is he hitting you again?”

“No.” She shook her head. “He wouldn’t hit me because he’s not my Ryan. I don’t know how he got here but he doesn’t belong here.” She smacked herself in the head. “I’m so stupid. I let this happen. I spend my days laughing and wanting to trust him so bad I ache. I ache for him but at the same time I’m scared of him. I’m scared that he could be my husband and he’s just putting on an act. I should have walked out months ago, but I didn’t, and now I hurt him and he hates me so much he won’t even look at me.”

“Whoa, honey.” Di shook her head repeatedly as if she was trying to make sense of it all. “Take a breath. What are you saying? You don’t think the man you’ve been living with is Ryan?”

“He can’t be.”

“His eyes.”

Lexy nodded. “And his accent.”

“Plus, he’s gorgeous,” Di said, her eyes flying to Lexy’s. “He’s not an asshole. My God, Lexy, you might be right.”

“I think so.”

“Well, holy shit.”

Lexy nodded. That was her thought exactly.

“He really can’t be somebody else. It would be too crazy.”

“I know that and I might be able to let it go if he wasn’t so sure about it. He doesn’t think he’s Ryan, and more importantly he hates that everybody thinks he is.”

“Who wants to wake up from a coma and be told they spent their entire life being an asshole? I know I wouldn’t.” Di leaned forward and took Lexy’s hands in hers. “You can’t let things go on like this. It’s not good for either of you.”

“I know.”

“What are you going to do?”

“That’s a good question.”

* * *

“Well,” Mary said, opening the door of her cozy little home that she spent the past thirty-five years of her life in, “this is a pleasant surprise.”

“Hi, Mom.” Ryan kissed her cheek and entered the house. “I wanted to talk to you.”

She said nothing, only pressed a hand to her cheek in the spot he had kissed.

He turned to look at her. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” She shook her head, coming out of her fog. “What did you need, sweetheart? Can I get you something to eat?”

“No, thank you.” He sat on her floral-print couch. “Mom—” he rubbed his forehead “—I—”

“You never called me
mom,
and you’ve never been so polite in your life.” She leaned close to him to study his face. “I think this war has been good for you. You’re a better man now. I keep meaning to tell you that.”

“You warned me,” he started, “to be good to my wife.”

“Are you? She doesn’t look very happy lately.”

“No, she doesn’t. She’s afraid of me.”

A thread of worry crossed Mary’s face. “Please tell me you haven’t hit her.”

“No, I haven’t hit her. I would never hit her.”

“No, I guess you haven’t.” Mary rose, pulled a picture off the mantel. “This man is my son.” She showed him a picture of a man who looked ridiculously like him, same coloring, same build. They were alike but so different. “He had beautiful blue eyes just like his daddy.” She looked from the picture back to Ryan. “You have beautiful eyes, too, but you aren’t my boy. Hi, I am Mary Beecher. Who are you?”

It felt like a weight had lifted off his shoulders. He felt unburdened. “You know,” he breathed.

“Of course I know. I know my child. I love my son, but you are too good to be my child. Who are you?”

“I don’t know. I’m close to remembering, but I just can’t.”

She nodded. “I guess if you did you wouldn’t be here, would you?”

“I’ve fallen in love with Lexy,” he said helplessly. “But she’s afraid of me and I can’t be with someone who thinks I will turn into a monster.”

“She’s lost a child. He beat her unconscious. She’d be crazy if she wasn’t afraid.”

He knew that but it didn’t change anything.

“I’m not him. She should be able to see me by now.”

“Maybe.” Mary shrugged. “You look like him. Your voice is deep like his... And who could really believe that the government could make a mistake like that?”

“You’re right,” he sighed. “I don’t believe it myself half the time.” He looked away for a moment, wishing he could accept this life without question. “I think Lexy’s falling in love with me but she’s fighting it.”

“Wouldn’t you? She was going to divorce him. All she had to do was get him to sign—and then you came along, and you treated her right. She’s finding it really hard to go, and the thought you’ll turn back into him always stays in the back of her mind. If she lets herself fall and you abuse her she won’t be able to live with herself and she’ll never forgive me because I asked her to stay.”

Mary felt guilt. It was evident in her face. Apparently he wasn’t the only one with regrets a mile long.

“Am I supposed to live in this limbo? We aren’t really married. We don’t even talk anymore, and I walk around so pissed half the time I can’t stand myself. I can’t stay in that dead-end job or be with a woman who cries when I try to make love to her. I can’t do this anymore.”

Mary shook her head sadly. “You’d both be better off if you moved on.”

“Yeah.” He nodded. “But I have no idea who I am or where I came from. All I see are little flashes. Everything is unrecognizable.”

“So what are you going to do?”

“I’ve thought about it. I’m going to the place your son and I have in common. I’m going to reenlist.”

* * *

Di had asked Lexy to babysit her little girl while she and her husband went to a doctor’s appointment. She loved Alana. She loved the way the four-year-old babbled on about nothing, the way she smelled like baby powder and the way her mother dressed her hair in pigtails. She wanted a child so badly that it hurt to be around one. She should probably be thanking God. It would have been harder to leave Ryan with a child in tow. It would have been worse if her child had grown up with a drunk for a father. It would have been terrible for her baby to witness her being abused.

“Where’s Uncle Ryan?” Alana asked as Lexy pushed her through the aisles of the supermarket.

“I think he’s at work.” They hadn’t spoken for days. She was lonely without the man she thought she wanted to leave.

“Oh. I want him to read me a story.”

“He might if you ask him nicely.”

“Mama says he’ll do anything for you.”

“Did she now? Your mama has a big mouth.”

“Yeah.” Alana grinned. “Daddy says that, too.”

Di was right about that. Her new Ryan would have done nearly anything for her. He said he would give her babies and she believed him. He said he would take care of her and he had. He said he loved her and he did.

But he wasn’t her husband, was he? He said he wasn’t, and she started to believe him. Sometimes when he wasn’t looking she stared at him hard, trying to find that one thing off about him that would give her an
aha
moment.

“Can we buy Teddy Grams, Aunt Lexy?”

“Of course, baby.” Lexy had spent years buying store-brand food. For the first time in her life she could buy name-brand products, and all because Ryan had sold his cars. Sometimes she felt guilty for splurging, but she knew the life she had now wasn’t going to last forever.

“How about we make spaghetti and meatballs for dinner tonight? Uncle Ryan will be home soon.”

* * *

Lexy heard Ryan’s heavy footsteps a little past five-thirty that evening. Dinner was almost ready, the garlic bread baking in the oven.

“He’s home!” Alana squealed and Lexy knew how she felt. She got that little flippy thing in her chest when he came home. It was quite annoying.

Lexy scooped the little girl up. “Let’s go greet him.” They met him in the living room and stood silently just looking at each other for a long moment. He was miserable. She could read it in his face, see it in every movement he made, hear it in his voice. It was her fault. She wanted to make it up to him but she didn’t know how. She couldn’t tell him why she sobbed when he made love to her.

“Alana’s here!” He put on that charming smile that disarmed her and walked across the room to greet them. “How is my gorgeous little cousin?” He bent down to kiss her forehead. It was then that Lexy took the opportunity, and planted a soft kiss on his mouth. He looked at her critically and then kissed her mouth again.

“How’s my gorgeous little wife?”

“We made you dinner!” Alana yelled proudly.

“I thought I smelled something delicious.”

“Guess what it is.”

“Um.” Ryan tapped his chin, pretending to think. “Liver and onions?”

“Eww, no!”

“Hot dogs?”

“You’re silly,” she giggled.

Ryan took Alana from Lexy’s arms and strolled into the kitchen, coming up with more ridiculous suggestions. Lexy watched them laughing together and felt her heart twisting painfully.

* * *

The next morning her heart twisted again. It was Friday, her day to visit her brother. She almost didn’t want to go. She didn’t want to get out of bed. She didn’t want to make the drive. She didn’t want to feel the heavy sadness of seeing her brother wasting away. She didn’t want to be alone. But it was selfish to only think of herself. Kyle was all she had left of her family. She only had him for a little while longer. She needed to be with him every chance she got.

She put on one of the dresses Ryan had picked out for her and wore her hair down, needing a boost that day. Maybe if she pretended that things were okay, Kyle wouldn’t pick up on her sadness. She needed to be happy for him. When she was ready she left her bedroom to find Ryan standing at the front door.

He stared at her for a long moment, seeming to take in every inch of her. Goose bumps raced along her arms. She missed him. Part of her wanted to launch herself at him and ask him to forgive her. But she knew she couldn’t do that. There was too much keeping them apart.

“Did you forget something?”

“No. I thought I would drive you to see your brother.”

“Oh.” She put her hand over her beating heart. She was touched. She was more than touched—she felt her heart crack open. “You don’t have to do that for me.”

“It’s not for you,” he said softly. “I want to see Kyle, too.”

She nodded. “He would like that.”

He opened the door for her, but instead of passing through it she stopped, placed a hand on his chest and kissed his cheek. “Thank you for everything.”