Life on the Ramona Coaster (10 page)

That season Jill and Bethenny became the dynamic duo, the way Sonja and I are now. At the Season 2 Reunion, I felt like they teamed up against me. I felt attacked and couldn’t get out of bed the next day. For the Season 1 Reunion episode, we all had our hair and make up done in one big dressing room, but for this season I remember Jill insisted that none of us see each other before we sat down to film. Then somehow she and Bethenny ended up sharing a dressing room. I assumed she had planned it that way so that she and Bethenny would have time alone together. My experience at that reunion felt very abusive. Almost immediately, I felt like Jill jumped on me about how long I had been working on my skincare line. I didn’t even know how to react. At that point, I didn’t really have the verbal tactics. When I felt backed into a corner, I would say the wrong thing or just fumfer. Or I would sit there and take it because of the verbal abuse I witnessed as a child. When you have a history of abuse, you tend to shut down when you feel attacked. You don’t fight back. You go into a state of numbness. I should have said, “Stop. You’re hurting my feelings. What you’re saying and how you’re treating me isn’t right.” Now, I’m more in control and I know how to handle myself better, but at the time I just shut down.

I remember people writing in after that episode aired, to say that the way they went after me was vicious. I think Jill is the type of person who can sniff out someone’s weaknesses like a dog. I feel like she saw the chink in my armor and pounced. We taped for seven hours that day and the next day I couldn’t get out of bed. When I got home, I said to Mario, “I can’t do this anymore. Taping these reunions is as painful as giving birth.” I remember, he laughed and said, “Well, then the memory of the pain will go away.”

After that Reunion episode I did a lot of soul searching. When I decided to sign on for Season 3, I said to my family, “I’m going to be me now. I have to be more expressive and show who I really am. I’m not going to rein myself in.” I had finally realized that I needed to be myself, because me as
me
is very entertaining. I’m funny, I’m witty, and I’m upbeat. On the other hand, I also became aware of how my impulsive side could affect the other women on the show. While spontaneity can be a good thing, being impulsive means that you act before you think, which can have the consequence of hurting people’s feelings. I can definitely be insensitive, but it is never my intention to hurt anyone.

So for Season 3, I revealed a whole new Ramona. I was determined to be true to myself but I also embraced a philosophy of renewal in all aspects of my life. I cut my hair, renewed my vows with my husband, and started examining my relationships with the other women on the show. I dropped my judgmental attitude about Alex and Simon and we actually ended up developing a meaningful friendship. Initially, it was awkward for me to be around them. I felt as though Alex and Simon had invaded my territory. It takes too much effort to be polite and make small talk with someone I don’t like, and I don’t know how to fake it and pretend to be friendly, so if they came to an event that I was also attending I just found it easier to leave or go to the other side of the room.

When Simon approached me at the Russell Simmons fashion show and asked me outright why I didn’t like him, I was completely taken aback. In retrospect, I’m glad he confronted me because I was able to say exactly what was on my mind. Even though my opinion of him didn’t change right away, it cleared a path for a friendship to develop. Now I can see that a big part of why I reacted so negatively to them was in part because they were from Brooklyn. It had a bad connotation for me, but I had buried my memories of going there so deeply that I didn’t make the connection right away. When I finally went to Brooklyn, I began to remember the time my mother took us to stay with my grandmother after my father had hit her. Suddenly it became clear to me that I was projecting my own issues onto them. Once I realized that, it changed everything for me. I stopped judging Alex and Simon and we became very good friends. I came to realize that Alex is a happy, grounded, secure, and self-confident woman. She is not threatened or intimidated by other people’s success or achievements. I think we learned a lot from one another during our time together on the show and it was great to watch her come out of her shell. I encouraged to her to become stronger and more outspoken and by the end of Season 3 she had found her voice.

That season was also a turning point in my friendship with Bethenny, beginning with the day we walked across the Brooklyn Bridge. When that episode aired it was very upsetting for me to hear the things I had said to her. I told her that she didn’t have any friends and that she would probably screw up her relationship with her then-boyfriend, Jason. Even though our conversation leading up to this moment was heated and we were both exchanging barbs, the bottom line is that she came to me with a situation that was troubling her and she needed my sympathy and support. Instead, I became defensive and lashed out, hitting below the belt, just like my father had done. I had to own up to my behavior and I apologized to Bethenny. We got past it and we are now genuine friends.

Bethenny and I are very similar. We both grew up with a lot of tension in our childhoods. We both had terrible relationships with our fathers. We’re both street-smart, ambitious, and self-made. We both got married and had children in our late thirties. There are a lot of parallels there. While walking across the bridge that day, I finally took in the distress and pain she was feeling over her fallout with Jill. I had never seen her so upset and I was genuinely concerned, which is why I came up with a plan for her to meet with Jill at my house. I was hoping they would hash out their issues and make peace with one another. I really wanted to help them find a way to rebuild their friendship. I knew the situation was causing them both pain and they needed to make amends. Never in a million years did I think they would leave my home without coming to a resolution.

With Mario and Alex

I think that what happened between them was that Jill was resentful that Bravo had offered Bethenny her own show. We all knew it was happening. I remember the plan was for her to film Season 3 with us and then she would start filming her spinoff. Maybe Jill thought it should be the “Jill and Bethenny Show” or that she should have gotten her own show, but I remember her calling me up at my office and asking me not to film with Bethenny. I said to her, “Why would you want to hurt her that way? You know she’s on her own and has to support herself. You have a husband. I’m set financially. Why would you stand in her way?” I think she felt that Bethenny was riding our coattails and she was jealous that she would have success on her own. Alex and I confronted her about this during the Reunion episode. At first Jill denied she had done this, but eventually she did admit it. I think Jill is the type of person that if you have something she doesn’t have, instead of wishing you well she feels slighted that she’s not a part of it. That’s just her personality. Although it’s often riled me up over the years, I’ve learned to accept her for who she is.

I do believe that if Jill and Bethenny had more time to talk that day they might have eventually reconciled. Looking back, I should have left the apartment with LuAnn, so they could have a chance to work things out on their own. I don’t think LuAnn was a positive presence that day. She and Jill had recently become close and I think subconsciously she may have felt their new friendship would be threatened if Jill and Bethenny became friends again. I really feel that she inserted herself into the situation and prevented them from finishing their conversation. When Jill walked out that day, the door closed on their friendship for good. This is an issue that would come up again when Sonja and I became so close. I think it’s hard for LuAnn to share friends. It’s a common mistake we women make; we get possessive and territorial. But women should not feel threatened by other women’s friendships. Friends are meant to be shared. There really is enough love to go around.

With LuAnn and Sonja

When Kelly joined us on the show, I knew of her but had never met her. She was very prominent socially because of her ex-husband, the famous French fashion photographer Gilles Bensimon. Before we met, I actually googled her and listened to some of her interviews. She seemed like she was nice and engaging and my initial reaction to her was positive. But the more I got to know her, the more I began to feel that there was no depth to her. I felt like as long as she could talk about children and nail polish and clothes she was fine, but beyond that she didn’t seem to have anything substantial to say, so I found having a real conversation with her difficult.

Right away there was friction between Bethenny and Kelly. Where Kelly was a true socialite It Girl, who was always invited to all the A-list parties, Bethenny was this scrappy, self-made street urchin who was working her way to the top. There was a lot of resentment there because they had met a number of times, but Kelly would always act like she didn’t remember. And probably Kelly didn’t remember because she couldn’t have cared less about Bethenny. The tension between them had been simmering since Kelly’s infamous I’m-up-here-you’re-down-there hand gesture during their confrontation at Brass Monkey, but it blew way the hell up in St. Thomas.

I was about to renew my vows and I thought it would be fun for us to all go away together and celebrate. I had not gone on a girls’ trip since I married Mario and I was looking forward to spending time with the ladies. When I picked Sonja up I was so excited I could hardly contain myself. I knew we would feed off each other’s positive energy and it was on this trip that
Ramonja
was born. Bethenny’s father had just passed away and she had also recently found out she was pregnant, so when she called to say she could go, I was touched. Alex had never been away from her two young boys so I was also really appreciative that she had agreed to come. I knew it would be therapeutic for them both to get away and just relax. I even decided to put aside my issues with Kelly and invited her to come. I was disappointed that Jill and LuAnn didn’t join us, but I chose not to dwell on it.

Photo shoot with Kelly Bensimon in St. John

Once we were all together on the yacht, I was so over-the-top happy and excited. We were all getting along chatting and naturally we began talking about our feelings for Jill and how her behavior had been affecting us. This seemed to immediately make Kelly uncomfortable because she kept saying she didn’t want to talk about
feelings
. I think Kelly has a hard time conversing in intimate situations, especially when the subject of emotions comes up. The way I see it, if you have no feelings and you cannot talk about them or be in touch with them, then you might as well be a robot. While we were on the yacht, I remember Kelly was on the phone with Jill three or four times a day. She seemed to be getting increasingly agitated, and I think some of that may have been Jill stirring her up.

The ladies in St. John: Kelly, Alex, me, and Sonja

For the next part of our trip we stayed at Presidio del Mar, a majestic villa in St. John. I’m not easily impressed, but I have to say this villa was beyond anything I had ever visited or seen. The cameras did not even begin to do it justice. The following morning, Kelly seemed to have calmed down and that day we spent on the beach with her was amazing. She prepared a great lunch and treated us to a fantastic photo shoot. She was at ease in her own element and was a pleasure to be with. But at dinner that night something in her snapped. Suddenly, out of nowhere, she seemed to be in the midst of a major meltdown. I don’t know what caused it. Maybe she was just out of her comfort zone, but we all wondered if she had forgotten to take her medication or if perhaps she had mixed some kind of medication with too much alcohol. We were drinking tequila on the beach that day and she doesn’t really drink. Tequila makes me nutty, so maybe it had a strange affect on her. I personally felt the meltdown was twenty times worse than what they aired on television. We were so concerned that we called Jill that night. I told her, “Kelly needs you. She’s going to be on a plane. You should meet her in New York.” Even Bethenny got on the phone and said, “Jill, this is not about the show; we’re worried about Kelly.” But, instead of meeting her friend and helping her at the airport, Jill decided to show up in at the villa the next day. I guess she thought she was going to swoop in and have some kind of reconciliation with Bethenny, but it was too little too late.

Bethenny and I have come a long way. But it hasn’t always been easy for us. She has this way of making her digs through her sense of humor, so you almost don’t realize that she’s insulting you. That’s her schtick and she’s excellent at it. She comes across like a comedienne, but her words can be quite biting. Part of our confrontation at the Season 2 Reunion had to do with my response to a biting comment she made when I was giving her dating advice. I was hurt by what she said, so in my blog I made the dig ‘
why buy the milk if you can get the cow for free?’
in reference to her having previously lived with boyfriends outside of marriage. She got really pissed off about that. I remember she called me up and she actually scared the crap out of me, and then I felt threatened when she and Jill went after me at the Reunion. She seemed like a cat ready to scratch my eyes out. It takes a lot to shake me up, but Bethenny’s a person that you just don’t cross. She can dish it out but she can’t take it.

With Bethenny at her birthday party

We’re in a much different place now. I think it’s because my walls are down and I’m more communicative. The Ramona I am today might have said, “Come on, Bethenny, don’t take this so seriously. I’m sorry you’re offended,” but back then I panicked and retreated. I literally went under my covers like when I was a child and my parents would fight. Now, I handle things differently. I’ve learned to communicate better. Early into the filming of Season 7, Bethenny and I got into a huge fight. But I realized very quickly,
what are we fighting about? This is ridiculous.
The old Ramona would’ve said,
Okay, we had a fight. I’m angry at her, she’s angry at me
.
So be it.
The issue would have festered and we might have damaged our friendship for good. Being the person I am now, I decided to go see her to try and reconcile right away. Of course, she got even angrier but I kept calm and approached her again and, in the end, we made up. Sometimes people are just angry. Not at you, but about their situation. In the past, I never saw things that way. I would take things way too personally, but I’ve evolved.

Recently LuAnn said to me, “Ramona, you’re so warm and fuzzy now.” Who would ever have thought LuAnn would call
me
warm and fuzzy? I think that going through what I went through with my marriage falling apart has made me a different person. When you’re emotionally hurt like that, when you’re betrayed by your husband, it makes you more vulnerable. You can retreat or you can learn from it. It was a learning experience. Not a good one, but life is learning.

What is a friend? A friend is someone who is there for you through the good, the bad, and the ugly, someone who allows you to express yourself, and someone who forgives you for your mistakes. No one is perfect. I know I still have a lot of growing to do, but I am trying. I am a very emotional person. I’m
Ramotional.
There is nothing wishy-washy about me. I am very passionate. There are no grey areas with me. I am an extremist. I argue hard and I make up harder. I ignite quickly, but when a disagreement is over, it’s over. I do not hold grudges because life is too short.