Lily’s War (15 page)

‘Are they dangerously ill? Has the doctor said so?’

‘They could be, if further complications set in.’

‘You’re looking on the black side. Let’s pray about this, Lil. Trust God.’

‘I can’t!’ she said miserably. ‘He might take them away from me.’

‘You were quite happy to leave them before,’ he said slowly, his eyes intent on her face. ‘You might never have seen them again.’

Lily bit her lip. ‘It was different then. Now, seeing them in pain and so vulnerable, it hurts me. What if they die and I’m not there? I’ve always been there for them.’

‘You can’t stop them dying. Death’s the final enemy. Beating it is what the Christian message is all about.’

‘I know that! But I can’t just walk away,’ she whispered. ‘I love them.’

‘You love me, don’t you?’

‘Of course I love you,’ she cried. ‘But you can cope without me! You’ve done it for years.’

His grip tightened on her fingers. ‘I’ve got used to coping with you. I can let my guard down with you. It’s lonely sometimes in my position and I don’t want to be without you.’

‘I’ll follow you out later.’ She went into his arms. ‘When Ronnie and May are better or …’ Her voice trailed off.

He stroked her hair and she felt a sigh go through him. ‘We could both stay here. Cancel all my engagements. Start a different kind of life with me as a curate somewhere in Liverpool.’

Her head lifted and she stared at him with moist eyes. ‘You can’t do that. Remember we said it would be letting people down? You go ahead and I’ll follow.’

‘I want us together,’ he said firmly. ‘I feel strongly it’s what God wants.’

‘It’s what I want,’ she replied swiftly, ‘but—’

‘Then stay with it!’ Unexpectedly his grey eyes sparkled with anger. ‘“No man, having put his hand to the plough and looking back, is fit for the Kingdom of God!”’

Suddenly she was infuriated with him. ‘Don’t quote scripture at me, Matt! I haven’t been committed as long and as wholly as you to the Christian cause. Don’t expect me to run before I can walk, and don’t blame me for being what you said I was. You said I had a great capacity to love. To care. Do you want me now to switch that off because it suits you?’

‘Of course not! But isn’t that what I’m saying? You’re part of me now. I don’t want to have to do without you.’ He reached out for her but she backed away.

‘You mean in bed?’

He stared at her. ‘What’s so terrible about that? It’s a big part of being married. I thought you were happy with our lovemaking?’

‘I was. I am,’ she added in a quieter voice. ‘Why are we arguing about it?’

‘Because I said and you said—’ He stopped. ‘Don’t let’s go into it all again. I love you, Lily. I want us to be together. I want to show you Australia and show Australia you. Or stay here together.’

Stay here? thought Lily. When she had dreamed of faraway places half her life. He had to go or they might never escape. She reached up to press her lips against his and with her free hand undid his trouser buttons. ‘Let’s decide later,’ she whispered, pulling out his shirt tails and stroking his stomach. Matt’s throat moved but no words came out. He removed her hand and lifted her off her feet, to carry her over to the bed.

‘You’ll come as soon as you know for sure about May and Ronnie?’ said Matt a couple of mornings later as he and Lily stood very close, looking out over the Mersey, the liner not far away.

‘Yes,’ she said, wishing even at this late stage God could perform a miracle and Ben would come running down the floating bridge to tell her that she could go to Australia with Matt after all, that the kids were better and they could manage fine without her. But she and Matt had called at the hospital and they were not better. ‘I’ll be with you in a month – six weeks at the latest.’

‘Don’t change your mind.’ He gazed down into her face, his eyes the muted grey of a lowering sky.

‘As if I would.’ She laughed and hugged his arm tightly.

‘Good girl.’ He removed a curl which had blown against her mouth and kissed her passionately. She clung to him and as soon as his mouth lifted, said, ‘I’ll write often, care of the house in Sydney.’

‘I’ll try and get my first letters on a passing mail boat coming this way.’

She laughed unsteadily. ‘Three weeks or so there, three weeks back. I could be getting there when your letter reaches here saying you’ve arrived.’

‘I’ll write to you anyway.’ He held her close and she could feel him trembling with the same emotion she felt, but men did not cry and she mustn’t.

He removed her arms from about his waist. ‘Go!’ he said huskily. ‘I don’t want you waving as the ship departs. Clean break now.’

She stared up into his face which was now so familiar that she knew exactly where the tiny bump was on the side of his otherwise straight nose, and the mole just beneath the line of his jaw. ‘You do understand why?’ she said impulsively, looking directly into his eyes.

‘Yes. I can imagine how difficult it is for you.’

She knew it was true. His perception was something she had not reckoned on when she married him. He kissed her once more, long and deep, then tore his mouth from hers. ‘God bless you, Lily. Pray for us.’

She nodded, unable to speak, then blew him a kiss before running blindly from him.

Only three days after Matt departed, Lily was wishing herself on the briny with him. Instead she perched back to front on the outside bedroom windowsill, cleaning the windows. She was missing him far more than she had imagined and the hours lacked that edge of expectancy when she had known he would be there at the end of the day. But at least Ben looked less tired and Daisy had stopped moaning and she had the consolation of knowing if anything did go wrong with Ronnie and May, she was on hand. As well as that Uncle William had delivered several new cows in full milk and handed her five hundred pounds in a black velvet drawstring bag.

She had been incredulous as she fingered the notes. ‘Are you sure? I’m still planning on leaving, you know?’

‘Aye, I know, lass,’ he said heavily. ‘But our Albert should have had that and more years ago. Besides, I behaved unfairly to you. Duty always came first with you in the past, but now when duty decrees you should be with Matt, you’re here because the family needs you. I respect you and Matt for making a hard decision and when you have to leave us I’ll wish you the best of luck with my whole heart.’

She had been as grateful for his words as the money and only hoped Ronnie and May would get better so she could join Matt in the time promised.

Unfortunately when Lily went to fetch the children it was to be told Ronnie was still having trouble with his ear. The doctor made an appointment for him to attend the Eye, Ear, Nose and Throat Infirmary in Myrtle Street. May, on the other hand, suffered no complications but looked washed-out and was irritable because her skin was peeling off.

‘I look terrible,’ she wailed. ‘I’m not going back to school till I look lovely again.’

‘You’ve a fine opinion of yourself, my girl,’ rebuked Lily, but she could not prevent a smile and was relieved to have her sister almost her normal self.

May’s words reminded her it would soon be the school holidays and she wondered what to do. It would have been different if they had been well because they could have gone with Ben on his deliveries, but not the way they were. She felt dejected as she wrote to Matt, explaining the situation, but was certain he would understand.

It was the day after she sent the letter to Matt that Frank came into the dairy, looking slightly shamefaced. ‘A pint of milk and four eggs, Lil.’ He placed a bulky brown paper bag on the counter. ‘That’s for the kids. They are all right now, aren’t they?’

‘Not infectious, if that’s what you mean,’ she said, leaning towards him, her elbows on the counter. ‘They’re sitting out in the yard, getting some sunshine. You can tell your mam the risk of fever was over weeks ago. I always thought we were friends, Frank. I’m disappointed in you for not being in.’

‘Now, Lil, don’t be like that!’ He thumped a jug down beside the brown bag. ‘Mam’s got to be careful with our being in the food business, you know.’

‘You don’t have to make excuses. You’re not the only one who’s been missing.’ She flicked open the paper bag with a finger. Inside there were a couple of oranges, apples and bananas. ‘Does your mam know you’ve taken these?’

He flushed. ‘I can act off my own bat, Lil. You aren’t half hard on me. Even so, I must admit to being glad you’re still here.’

‘Not for much longer. As soon as Ronnie’s ear’s sorted out and the school holidays have been and gone, I’ll be off.’

‘But not just yet!’ He leaned forward across the counter. ‘We could go to the pictures? It’d do you good to get out.’

She raised her eyebrows, wondering where he had got the courage to say such a thing. ‘What would your mam say to your taking out a married woman? You do surprise me, Frank,’ she said, filling his jug from the churn.

‘Your Daisy thought it a good idea,’ he said eagerly. ‘She said you could do with a break, and with me being an old family friend nobody would see any harm in it.’

‘And you believed her?’ She did not wait for him to answer. ‘I’d ruin your reputation, Frank. Thanks, but no thanks.’ She felt really annoyed with Daisy. Her sister knew exactly what her feelings were towards Frank. Then she had a thought and, smiling at him, she said, ‘Why don’t you ask Daisy out instead? I’m not keen on that Ted she’s seeing. I’ve always thought she’s got a soft spot for you but you’ve never looked her way.’

His round face went brick-red. ‘You can’t mean that, Lil? She’s so young and pretty. She wouldn’t want me.’

And I’m not so young and pretty, am I? thought Lily wryly, wondering if Frank realised what he had said. Even so she carried on smiling as she placed four eggs in a paper bag and handed them to him. ‘You won’t know until you try. Come to tea on Saturday and I’ll make sure she’s in.’

He stuttered his thanks and turned towards the door. ‘You haven’t paid me, Frank,’ she called, a tremor in her voice. ‘And you’ve forgotten your milk.’

‘Sorry, sorry! I’m all of a doo dan!’ He handed her some money without looking at how much, picked up the jug and walked out the shop.

Lily folded her arms and could not wait for her sister to come home.

‘I’ve asked Frank to come to tea on Saturday.’ Lily placed a plate of scouse in front of Daisy. The kitchen was quiet except for the ticking of the clock on the oak sideboard. She had sent May and Ronnie to bed early and Ben had gone out.

Her sister smiled. ‘That’ll be nice for both of you but what are you telling me for?’

‘I want you here.’

‘Want me?’

Lily nodded grimly. ‘I’m a married woman now in case you’ve forgotten. I want a chaperone.’

Daisy put her tongue in her cheek. ‘He told you, did he?’

‘I don’t know what was in your mind, but forget it.’

Her sister said lightly, ‘There’s such a thing as an annulment – or divorce on grounds of desertion.’

‘You’re mad!’ said Lily incredulously. ‘Annulments are granted only if the marriage hasn’t been consummated. I can assure you ours has! And Matt has not deserted me.’

Her sister grinned suddenly. ‘I suppose it was a daft thing to do. I just wanted to keep you here, that’s all. But why ask Frank to tea?’

‘For you!’ Lily smiled sweetly. ‘I know he’s not most women’s idea of a hero but he’d always be faithful and you could twist him round your little finger.’

Daisy laughed. ‘You’re as mad as I am! I’m in love with Ted.’

Lily buttered a slice of bread. ‘It wouldn’t do any harm to make him jealous. He’s such a good-looking bloke he must have a big head.’

Her sister placed her elbow on the table and rested her chin in her palm. ‘He let me down the other week. Perhaps it wouldn’t do him any harm to discover I’m not always at his beck and call. He doesn’t need to know Frank’s no competition.’

‘I’ll do us something really tasty,’ said Lily, considering how nice it would be if Frank married Daisy and moved into the dairy. Her sister would have to give up her job and she would be there for the kids and shop and she could go to Australia with a clear conscience. ‘I’ll ask Ben to cadge a chicken off Uncle William. It’ll have to be plucked and drawn but it shouldn’t be too much of a hardship if we share the work.’

Daisy shuddered but remained silent.

‘These are for you!’ Frank thrust the sweet peas and a box of Cadbury’s Milk Tray at Daisy as he entered the kitchen in Lily’s wake.

Her lightly powdered face lit up. ‘Why thanks, Frank!’

Ten out of ten, Frank, thought Lily approvingly. You’ve done the right thing for all you look a dafty. Now Ted’s never brought her a thing. I suppose the trouble with some handsome men is they believe they’re God’s gift to women and their looks are enough.

Frank flushed. ‘I’ve always been fond of you, Daisy.’

Her smile became fixed. ‘I am courting, you know,’ she said softly. ‘But you don’t have to let that put you off. Nothing’s settled.’

He said earnestly, ‘Then I’m in with a chance?’

‘You could say that.’ Her eyes danced and she touched his cheek with the flowers. ‘I appreciate these anyway, and I’ll go and put them in some water.’

‘Something smells nice.’ Frank followed her over to the sink.

‘It’s chicken.’ She smiled at Lily. ‘We both thought nothing’s too good for you, Frank. You’re such an old friend.’

‘Less of the old,’ he said, grinning at her. ‘I’m only twenty-six. It’s not so old.’

Lily, pulling out a dining chair for him, thought, please, please, don’t say he looks older, Dais! Use a bit of tact!

‘It must be because you seem so – so mature,’ said Daisy, placing the vase of sweet peas in the centre of the table.

‘It’s probably because there’s been just me and Mam since the war and she always treated me like the man of the house,’ said Frank.

Lily bit her lip to control her merriment and mused, so
that’s
how his mother treated him – and there was us thinking
she
was the man of the house!

‘You have such a confident air, Frank,’ murmured Daisy, a quiver in her voice. He pulled out a chair for her. ‘And you’re such a gentleman. There’s not so many of them around these days.’