Look After Me (26 page)

Therapists are sneaky. They make you work for the answer to the question they already know the answer to. It would be a fucked up process if it didn’t get end results, but fortunately, it does. It’s actually a genius concept because it makes you open up wounds that you’re too scared to open; wounds that hold you back from ever moving forward, finally giving you an outlet and to recognize the pain, so you can start moving past it. She thinks I don’t know how it works, but I’m a military man. I’ve been trained in intelligence interrogation and I understand how to manipulate people into giving crucial answers.

“I’m ashamed because I let my emotions get the better of me. I let my emotions control my drug addiction. I became a lesser man because of it and I don’t like being weak.”

I look at her, waiting for the next item of clothing to be removed, but when she continues to stare at me, I realize she wants more of an explanation. She wants me to dig further, to find the raw vulnerability that makes me want to rip my own heart out of my chest. After taking a deep breath, I dig as deep inside myself as possible.

“I’m ashamed because I took my broken heart to another level, to the extent that I physically
became
broken. I lived and breathed the heartache. I devoured it. I lost myself in the heartbreak by taking a drug to help me forget. It didn’t work, so I kept taking more and more of it until I was so fucked on coke that I almost died. I’m ashamed because I nearly left my daughter without her father. I’m ashamed because I was weak and took the coward’s way out by hiding behind the haze instead of facing it head on like a man and, because of that, I almost paid the ultimate price. I’m ashamed because it took three months out of my life. Three months missing my daughter’s first word, her first crawl, her first laugh—her first fucking
everything,
and they’re moments that I will never get back. There isn’t a rewind button I can press and go back in time. I have to live with that for the rest of my life. So yeah, you could say I’m ashamed. I’m ashamed of all of the things that took me away from the one thing in this world that really matters to me—Lily. I’m ashamed because she deserved more than that. She
deserves
more than that.”

I pause for a moment, trying to control the emotion that is beginning to build up at the back of my throat. I swallow but when that doesn’t get rid of the lump, I decide to continue at the risk of breaking down. “She’s one year old, and she’s already been through more crap than most people go through their entire life. It isn’t fair. She’s just a baby. She doesn’t deserve all this crap and hatred that she’s surrounded by. It isn’t fucking fair.”

By the time I’ve finished, I’m completely out of breath and reeling with anger. I watch through my heavy breathing as Addison stands up and slowly begins to peel her clothes away. First her tank top, then her jeans, and finally her underwear—along with her one sock—until she’s naked and looking sexy as hell.

“What are you doing?” I tremble, my eyes tracing over her body. My cock jerks when my eyes pause on her bare pussy then jerks again when I focus on her beautiful tits. She’s perfection . . .
just perfection.

She moves closer to me until her legs graze against mine, looking down at me with a heated stare. “I think you’ve answered enough questions.” She straddles my lap and holds my face within her hands, using her soft thumb to wipe away the single tear that I didn’t realize had fallen. “You did amazingly. I know that was hard, but I had to get that hatred out of you before it dragged you back into the darkness and that was the only way I knew how. You can’t keep things buried. You have to open up and let it escape. And the thing about you wondering which Addison asked you the heart question; it was actually all three. Not because I want your heart or to gain your love, but because it was the only way to suck those demons from your soul. You’re almost there. You’re almost at the end of the black tunnel. You’ve just got to take those few final steps and you will be free. Don’t give up now, not when we’re so close to the finish line. Okay?”

I nod before I slide my hands over hers and press a single kiss against her lips. “Okay.” I pull away after a second kiss. Now that I’ve gained my composure back and quite frankly, my sanity, I smile as I take in her creamy white skin. “I like it when you’re naked. It makes baring my soul sting a lot less. This right here can be our new version of therapy.” I grin as I smooth my hands up and down her back before resting them on her bare ass and lifting her up in my arms. “You do, however, need punishing after you worked me up unnecessarily with that strip tease.”

She giggles as she wraps her arms around my neck. “You’re into BDSM now? Are you going to tie me up and spank me?”

“No, but I am going to fuck you so hard that you won’t be able to walk tomorrow. So you better call in sick.”

“Is that a threat?” she questions with an intrigued look of lust in her eyes, a huge smile plastered on her pretty face.

“No, beautiful, it’s a promise.” A yelp escapes her lips when I slap her ass and carry her in the direction of her bedroom, where I fully intend on making good on my promise.

THANKSGIVING ROLLS AROUND AND I pull up outside Addison’s apartment to pick her up for our trip to the cabin. I smile when I see her waiting for me on the sidewalk with a travel bag in her hands and wearing a long duffle cardigan and scarf. I step into the chilly air, rounding the truck to meet her on the curb.

“Morning,” Addison says in her usual chirpy voice.

I embrace her, inhaling the overwhelming scent that engulfs me. She always smells incredible. “Morning,” I breathe into her hair before I pull away. I take her bag and put it on the backseat of the truck. “Have you been waiting outside long?”

“No, I just got outside when you turned up.”

I shut the door and open the passenger door for Addison. Once she’s seated, I gently close the door behind her before going to the driver’s side. The journey starts off quietly with just the sound of the radio covering the silence.

After a while, Addison turns to me. “Are you okay? You seem a little quiet.”

I sigh and give her a quick glance before returning my attention back to the road in front of me. “I just . . . um, I just came from Ava’s after dropping Lily off.” I pause briefly. “I hate having to drop her off. It sucks. Then I had to deal with Ava and her constant need to make conversation with me every time we’re in the same room. It pisses me off that she thinks we can have a normal conversation and pretend like nothing happened. I can’t do that. I can’t pretend. I can’t forgive her for the crap she put me through.” I take a quick glance at Addison before returning my attention to the road. “So I guess I’m just reeling from that.”

I unclench my fingers that had automatically tightened around the steering wheel at the mere mention of Ava. My hand seeks Addison’s and I give it a tight squeeze. “I promise I’ll be myself by the time we get to the cabin. It’ll just take me a minute to shake the anger off.” And when I say a minute, I actually mean the rest of the entire drive. When I’m this tense, I usually work it off in the gym but I can’t take my anger out on a punching bag right now.

“I know this is none of my business, but do you think maybe the reason she’s trying so hard to make conversation with you is because she’s trying to make amends for how she treated you? Her way of apologizing?”

“What?”

She sighs quietly. “I think she’s trying to reach out to you, Sebastian. To me, it just seems that she’s really trying to make things right but you keep shutting her down. Don’t you think that maybe you should try and work on being amicable with her, especially since you have a daughter together? Lily was obviously made with love but now she just seems to be surrounded with a lot of hatred, which can’t be good for either of you, especially
you.
”

I clench my teeth achingly together, my hands resuming their tense hold on the steering wheel. “I can’t believe I’m hearing this.”

“Sebastian, I’m just trying to think from both sides here. Don’t you think that maybe you’ve punished her enough? From what you told me about her in your sessions, about her brother, don’t you think she deserves a little slack now and again? I—”

“Are you fucking kidding me right now?”

“Sebastian—”

“So you’re telling me that her cheating on me was okay? Because she was a victim of abuse from her damn brother? I’m sorry, but there is no excuse for her betrayal—not a fucking one!”

“No! Of course I’m not excusing her actions. I hate cheaters and, at the moment, I’m not too fond of her either. I hate what she’s done to you and, like I’ve said before, I think she’s an idiot for letting you go. But I’m just trying to think of a way to help take away this anger that stems only from Ava, and I think the only way to do that is to forgive her. You can’t hold grudges forever.”

I suddenly pull the truck over to the side of the road, frightened that if I don’t, I might end up totaling the truck or worse kill somebody. I angrily pull the handbrake up and turn to her. “You are not my girlfriend, Addison. You’re just my fuck buddy, and this whole thing has nothing to do with you, okay? So I’d appreciate it if you would just butt out.”

Nice, Sebastian. Real fucking nice.

She doesn’t even flinch at my words. Instead, she crosses her arms over her chest defensively and turns to look out the window. The car is suddenly deathly quiet and I feel like the biggest dick in the world for talking to her like that. I know she’s just trying to help but any subject that includes Ava is a touchy subject. It just brings the evil out in me. I turn into somebody I don’t recognize when my body is pumping with the hatred that she has caused.

“Fuck!” I punch the steering wheel, causing Addison to wince in her seat. I face Addison and take her hand into mine. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. She just gets me so fucking riled up, that I can’t even think straight.”

She slowly turns back to me but doesn’t look me in the eye.

“You know I don’t think of you just as my fuck buddy. You’ve always been more to me than a simple fuck. You’re . . . You’re my best friend, Addison.” I know the moment the words leave my mouth I sound like a motherfucking sissy but it’s the truth. I wouldn’t know what I would do without her in my life. She’s my rock.

Thankfully, my motherfucking sissy words manage to get a smile out of her.

“Can we please not discuss Ava for the rest of our trip? I want to enjoy Thanksgiving with you and your family without it being clouded with self-loathing and anger. During our next session we can discuss it, I promise, but right now I can’t okay? I just can’t.”

She nods gently and tightens her hand around mine until our fingers are entwined. “Okay. I’m sorry I brought it up, but I hate seeing you so angry. Let’s go to the cabin and forget about everything for the weekend. Sound good?”

I bring my other hand up and run my fingers through her silky hair. “It sounds perfect.” I press my fingers deeper in her hair until I’m massaging her scalp then lean in, pressing my lips against hers. For a moment, I let myself get lost in her kiss, letting it soothe me. When I finally pull away, I feel relatively calmer than I did less than a minute ago.

“Your kisses get better each time. Damn, if I’d only done that the moment I saw you. Next time I’m being a total dick, just smack one on me. It should do the trick.”

She laughs as I resume my forward position and put the stick shift into drive before pulling away from the curb to resume our journey towards Riverbend. “I’ll keep that in mind for next time.”

Halfway through our journey, every ounce of anger has evaporated and I finally feel like myself again. We spend the rest of the journey chatting casually, singing along to a few of the road trip classics and discussing past memorable Thanksgivings. I told her about the time when I was eight years old and we’d had this big Thanksgiving meal planned but during the night we were hit with a really bad hurricane. It caused a blackout throughout the majority of the town, and Mom was in a hysterical mess because everything in the refrigerator, including the turkey, was absolutely ruined. We’d ended up having a meal that consisted of s’mores in front of the log fire in the living room as we’d told ghost stories. At eight years old I thought s’mores in front of the fire were so much cooler than turkey and disgusting Brussel sprouts. When I’m feeling nostalgic and thinking about my mom, that’s one of the days I reminisce on.

I miss the simplicity of being a kid. Things were easier and flawless . . . Something that I took for granted. I was too busy rushing to grow up to really appreciate it until it was too late and I was left wishing that I could rewind time.

Addison’s most memorable Thanksgiving was just before her brother passed away. Knowing it could possibly be her brother’s last Thanksgiving, her family had performed their traditional karaoke with the one and only Steven Tyler from
Aerosmith,
her brother’s idol. She had no idea how her dad made that happen, but miraculously, he had. Talk about making a dying boy’s wish come true.

She was quiet after speaking about her brother, so for the rest of the ride to the cabin I just held her hand in mine, my way of comforting her without saying the words. I understood all too well the pain from losing somebody so close to you and that sometimes you need a quiet moment to let the sadness consume you.