Love Comes Home (3 page)

She blinked. “Uh…you mean a man?”

“Are you involved in a relationship?”

“No.”

“I didn't think so. Good.” Mom G. seemed to relax.

Rachel narrowed her eyes. “What do you mean ‘good'?”

Mom G. gripped Rachel's hand tight. “Is your hope still in Jesus?”

Rachel gently patted the frail hand encased within her own. “Yes, my hope's in Jesus. He's my strength. You showed me that—you and Josh.”

Mom G. nodded. “God loves you.”

“I know. He's blessed me greatly. He brought me to you. Without Him and you in my life I'd…be lost. I'm doing what He wants with my life.”

Mom G.'s brows drew together. “But He wants so much more for you.”

More? She'd tried to have more once and she'd ended up with nothing but pain. Loving was a risk she was no longer willing to take. She shook her head. “I have everything I need. There couldn't possibly be more.”

“What about love? Aren't you lonely?”

Mom G.'s words struck a cord within Rachel. She tugged at her bottom lip, loath to admit that there had been times over the years she'd watched couples, families, and felt an ache she couldn't explain. Was it loneliness?

Maybe.

But loneliness was a small price to pay to fulfill God's plan and to protect her heart.

“My life's very full. I might not have as many friends as I could…” Rachel frowned at the direction of her thoughts. Friends couldn't help in her quest to change emergency room procedures. “I just don't have time for relationships.”

“Don't grow old alone. Believe me, it's not fun.”

Guilt reached up and slapped Rachel. “I'm sorry I haven't been here for you.”

Mom G. touched Rachel's cheek. “No, honey, you had to do what you needed to do. I regret that I never remarried after Frank died. I don't want you to make the same mistake.”

Rachel nuzzled into the touch. She hadn't known Mr. Green. He'd been gone long before she'd come
to live with Mom G. His picture graced the nightstand in Mom G.'s bedroom. “I'll be fine, I promise,” Rachel assured her.

“Don't you think you'd be better with Josh in your life?”

Rachel schooled her features. She didn't want Mom G. to know how upsetting she found the subject of Josh. She didn't want her to know she still hurt deep inside her heart, in a far corner she pretended didn't exist.

“Don't avoid this Rachel.”

Rachel met Mom G.'s gaze straight on. “There's nothing to avoid. Josh isn't a part of my life and he's not going to be.”

Tears gathered at the corners of Mom G.'s eyes. “He needs you.”

Mom G.'s sadness tore at Rachel. She wouldn't be able to make Mom G. happy. Not if her happiness involved Josh. “This is upsetting you.”

“He needs you,” Mom G. insisted.

Slowly Rachel shook her head. “He's never needed
me.
”

“But he does. Rachel, he's always loved you and you still love him.”

A double-edged sword of hurt and anger sliced through her. Her heart raced and her blood pounded in her ears. Josh didn't love her. She doubted he ever had.

As for her loving him… She closed her eyes briefly and hardened her heart. Been there, done that. Not doing it again. Emotions would not control her actions. Her goal in life was to make sure her mother hadn't died in vain, not to resurrect her relationship with Josh.

She opened her eyes and took a calming breath, regaining her composure. “It's not a matter of love. Josh had an idea of what he wanted in a wife and I wasn't it. He wanted someone I couldn't be.”

“But that was then.”

Rachel lifted one shoulder. “Nothing has changed. I'm still who I am.”

“But they need you.”

They?
Rachel figured she must mean Josh and his father, Rod.

Mom G. dropped her gaze and sighed, but not before Rachel saw the disappointment in her eyes. She wouldn't say anything to encourage Mom G. She and Josh were history. And nothing could change that.

“Tell me about your new position.”

Rachel nodded, thankful for a subject she'd have no trouble discussing, a subject that didn't make her suffer deep in her soul.

Because no matter how she looked at it, the subject of Josh would only bring her heartache.

 

The late-afternoon sun began to make its descent behind the mountain range, the fading light casting long shadows across the yard and backlighting Josh's Victorian house. Coming home at the end of the day always gave him a sense of satisfaction and peace. He'd worked long and hard refurbishing the broken-down Victorian, preserving as much of the original woodwork as possible. The overgrown land and swamp of a built-in pool had required hours of grueling labor to bring out the potential he'd known lay underneath. He'd created a stable sanctuary for his son and managed to ignore the vague feeling of incompleteness that plagued him at night.

Josh eased open the large solid-oak front door far enough to squeeze through. He didn't want a squeak of the hinge to herald his arrival. He wasn't ready to see his family, whom he could hear in the kitchen. He needed time, time to sort out the struggle going on inside of him.

He took the hardwood stairs slowly, placing each foot carefully in the spots where they wouldn't creak. In his room he closed the door and sat on the bed. With his elbows on his knees, he dropped his head into his hands.

All the way home he'd kept the thoughts at bay, forcing his mind into a blank numbness. But now they wouldn't be held back. Had Rachel really not known about Andrea? She'd seemed genuinely surprised, and remorseful. His heart told him she hadn't known, which only confirmed his belief that once she'd left town she'd never looked back.

Just like his mother.

Andrea. Sweet Andrea. Guilt engulfed him. He groaned, a deep, gut-wrenching sound that echoed in the quiet of his room.

Lord, it's too much to bear. Please take my guilt.

The plea went up as it had a hundred times before, but Josh snatched his plea back before he could feel any relief. He didn't deserve God's attention and mentally flogged himself with the pain of his guilt.

He hadn't loved Andrea enough. Not the way she'd needed to be loved. He'd tried to be a good husband. He'd encouraged her, supported her, provided for her. He'd given her everything he could but not the one thing she'd wanted—all of his heart.

Josh scrubbed at his face, trying to wipe away the sting of his self-loathing.

It was his
fault
Andrea was dead.

Because he couldn't erase Rachel from his heart.

Rachel. Was she right that he'd only wanted a wife, any wife? Had he been that arrogant and selfish? He'd tried to love Andrea with the same intensity he'd loved Rachel, but it had never happened.

Should he have pursued Rachel after she left? According to her, yes. But would his pursuit have changed anything? Would she have come back to the mountains to be his wife?

No, she wouldn't have.

And he couldn't have lived in the city playing second fiddle to her career.

Josh stood and paced, the leather soles of his shoes leaving indents in the dark green carpet. In the back of his mind a thought crept up, making him pause. Had he held his heart from Andrea because he was afraid to love her too deeply?

He clenched his jaw. It didn't matter now.

What he'd had to give hadn't been enough for Andrea. He'd lost her, just as he'd lost Rachel and his mother. Because he was not enough. And he was never going to make the mistake of trying to love again.

Now Rachel was back. He had every intention of not seeing her again before she left. He would have to plan his visits to Mrs. G. for when Rachel wouldn't be around.

Because this time he wouldn't be left behind with a broken heart.

 

Silvery light filtered into the hospital room, filling in the shadows created by the bedside lamp.

“In the emergency room we…” Rachel paused as
she noticed Mom G. fighting to keep her eyes open. “Here, now. I've talked enough. You should rest.”

Mom G. smiled slightly. “Your life sounds very interesting, dear.”

“It can be.” Satisfaction in her career grew through the research she'd done and the triage techniques she'd implemented so far. But so much more could be done to improve the quality of patient care, and every day she spent in the emergency room was a new adventure.

She liked delivering babies the best. Liked the amazing miracle of life. God's wondrous process for continuing humanity. Sometimes she'd thought about switching gears and going into obstetrics or pediatrics, but she didn't want the emotional attachments those specialties would bring. In the E.R., patients came, they left. Her heart wasn't at risk and her mind stayed focused on her goal.

“Rachel, would you read to me for a bit?”

“Of course. What…?”

Mom G. pointed to the small bedside table. “My Bible's in the drawer.”

She pulled out the black Bible, the same Bible that Mom G. had read to her from years ago. The worn black leather grew warm beneath her hands. “I remember this Bible.” She glanced at Mom G. For a moment it appeared Mom G. had fallen asleep. Then she opened her eyes and smiled. Rachel looked questioningly at her.

Mom G. sighed. “I think the Psalms would be soothing.”

Rachel opened the book and the once-familiar scent of Mom G.'s soft, powdery perfume wafted from the
yellowed pages. A pang of nostalgia tugged at her heartstrings.

“Rachel?”

She paused and glanced up. “Yes?

“Would you do something for me?”

“Anything.”

Mom G. gazed at her intently. “Would you call Josh?”

Rachel drew back. She didn't want to talk with Josh. “Call him?”

“I want to talk to you both.”

“I'm sure he'll come tomorrow.” Rachel would make sure she took the opportunity to speak with Dr. Kessler in his office while Josh visited so they wouldn't have to see each other.

Mom G. nodded. “Yes, but I want to make sure. I want to see you both together.”

She lifted her brows. “Together?” Inside, she cringed. She'd come to town for Mom G., not to spend time with Josh.

“Please,” Mom G. implored.

Rachel couldn't deny her the request. If Mom G. wanted to see them together then they'd be here together. Even if seeing Josh was painful, Rachel would do it, for Mom G. “I'll call him.” So much for keeping her distance.

Mom G. relaxed. “Thank you.”

Her chest hurt with love for Mom G. She leaned over and kissed her cheek. “You're welcome.”

She sat back and stared at the open Bible in her lap. She didn't like the quiver of anticipation racing along her limbs at the thought of seeing Josh again. It was a purely physical reaction. Just because she found him attractive meant nothing.

She read King David's Psalms.
Lord, speak to me. I need Your guidance.
After all, she was who she was and the past was the past. There was only now, for Mom G. But Rachel didn't feel comforted by that thought.

A familiar sense of hurt filled her, reminding her of the pain loving Josh had caused. She would keep her focus on her path in life and fortify the fortress around her heart. She refused to allow him back in because once there he would make her want something she wasn't able to have—a life with him.

M
oonlight bathed the old Victorian in a soft glow as the community of Sonora settled down to enjoy another peaceful night nestled at the foot of the Sierra Nevadas. The Taylor men relaxed together in the cozy warmth of the living room. Josh had read in some parent-oriented magazine that children needed a calming home environment. He'd tried to make the inside of the house as comfortable and welcoming as possible with furniture that, in soothing greens and blues, invited relaxation yet was durable for a growing boy like Griff.

Josh liked this time of evening. He could talk to his son and find out about his day. What he'd done, seen, learned. And Josh would tell about his own day. Only, tonight he left out seeing Rachel. She wasn't a part of their lives and never would be.

Josh glanced at his watch. “Time for bed, kiddo.”

“Aw, Dad. Come on. Just a little longer, please?”

Josh ruffled his son's hair. “Nope. It's time for bed.”

“Will you read to me?” Griff asked as he slowly got off the couch.

He nodded. “Go get ready for bed, then pick out your book. I'll be up soon.”

Griff walked to the bookcase where Rod Taylor stood with a book in hand. He kissed the older man's leathery cheek. “Good night, Grandpa.”

Rod gave the boy a hug. “Night, pipsqueak.”

Josh's heart swelled with love for his boy. Some said Griff looked like Josh. Josh didn't see it. His son had lighter hair, his eyes were more the color of moss than hazel and he had his mother's smile. Sadly Josh hadn't seen Andrea smile much toward the end. He should have tried harder to make her happy. A well-aimed stab of guilt twisted in his gut.

The phone rang.

Rod suggested, “Probably the station again. David Mackafee called earlier, wondering when you were coming back in.”

Josh shrugged. He'd written out his schedule for the crew. Because of Mrs. G.'s illness, he'd been taking some personal leave from his duties as District Ranger for the Forestry Service of Tuolumne County. He would be going into the station in the morning, after he checked on Mrs. G.

He picked up the phone. “Hello?”

“Hello, Josh.”

His brows rose in surprise to hear the female voice on the other end of the line. “Rachel?” His heart contracted painfully in his chest. There could only be one reason she would call him. “Is Mrs. G…..?”

“No, no,” she said quickly. “She's holding her own.”

The tightness in his chest eased. He glanced at his
father and son who both stared at him with anxious expressions. “Hold on,” he told Rachel. “She's fine,” he said to his family. Both Griff and Rod sagged in relief.

Then Rod arched a brow. “Rachel Maguire?”

“Who's that?” Griff questioned and moved to stand next to Josh, the top of his head reaching the middle of Josh's chest.

Josh shook his head and pointed upward.

Griff groaned and shuffled out of the room. As for his father, Josh said, “Do you mind?”

Rod grinned. “Not at all.” And he sat back down in his recliner.

Josh rolled his eyes. Talking to Rachel on the phone while his father casually listened from his chair took him back to the past. But back then they'd had plenty to talk about—school, love, their future. The only thing they had in common now was Mrs. G.

“Sorry about that,” he said into the receiver as he turned his back to his father.

“That's all right.” Her voice sounded hesitant. “Mom G. would like to see you in the morning.”

“I'd planned on coming by.”

“But she wanted me to call and make sure. She…uh…hmmm…well, she wants to see us together.”

Josh frowned. “Really?” He didn't want to see Rachel again.

“Yes. I don't know why, but I hope we can be civil to make her happy.”

“I've never been uncivil to you, Rachel.”

A moment of silence passed.

“Well, I mean, we could refrain from fighting. I— I want to apologize for earlier,” she said in a rush.

The corner of his mouth lifted. At least one part of her hadn't changed. The old Rachel had always accepted responsibility for her actions.

“Forget it.” He didn't need her apology. He thought about what she'd asked, then made a decision. “I'll be there tomorrow morning and I can be friendly for Mrs. G.'s sake.”

“Excellent.” She sounded pleased, but he couldn't be sure. “Goodbye, Josh.”

“Bye.” He slowly replaced the receiver. He hadn't wanted to see her, but he couldn't let Mrs. G. down. He'd tolerate Rachel if it killed him.

And when he thought about it, the best way to annihilate any feelings he harbored for Rachel was to be around the woman she'd become. She was so aloof and distant. Much different than she'd been in high school. Then she'd been open and friendly. Always looking for someone she could help. She'd needed to be of use.

Being a doctor must fulfill that need for her. But had becoming a doctor made her so cold? He supposed life in the big city could change a person, take warm people and turn them into an icy reflection of their former selves.

“You're going to be friendly with Rachel, huh?” Rod broke into his thoughts.

Josh shrugged. “Mrs. G. wants to see us both.”

Rod looked pleased. “I might come with you.”

“Fine.” He didn't want to discuss Rachel with his dad. Didn't want to hear Rod's opinion that he shouldn't have let her slip out of his life. He'd had no choice. She was determined to go. “I'll see you in the morning.” Josh turned to leave but stopped at Rod's soft chuckle. “What's so funny?”

“I have a pretty good idea what Olivia is up to.”

“You want to let me in on the secret?”

Rod smacked his lips and grinned. “No. I'll let this one play itself out.”

Josh frowned. His father and Mrs. G. were up to something. Rachel was the only girl Rod had ever approved of and Mrs. G., of course, loved her. But no amount of matchmaking was going to work. “You're a nut.”

Rod wiggled his brows. “Takes one to know one.”

Josh smiled. He loved his father and was thankful he'd agreed to live with him and Griff when they moved into this house. “Dad, what am I going to do with you?”

Rod laughed. “Hey, don't forget to call the station.”

“Thanks.”

“Sleep well, son. I have a feeling you'll need your strength tomorrow.”

Josh shook his head in exasperation. He didn't relish disappointing Mrs. G. and his father, but nothing could bring him and Rachel back together. Their needs, their wants in life were too different. Rachel wanted success, prestige and a position of power. He wanted a stable, secure life with a woman who loved him enough to commit to him.

And Rachel wasn't that woman.

 

Rachel shielded her eyes against the sunlight streaming through the curtains of Mom G.'s hospital room. She blinked several times, trying to moisten her gritty eyes. She'd spent the night sitting beside Mom G.'s bed, too afraid to leave. She didn't want to get a middle-of-the-night call or find an empty bed in the
morning. By staying, Rachel hoped she could keep death from claiming Mom G.

She listened to Mom G.'s labored breathing. Helplessness swamped her, making her head pound and her chest hurt. There had to be something more she could do.

She heard the door open. Expecting Josh, she fortified her nerves against his powerful presence and slowly turned around. The sight of a tall, older gentleman dressed in faded jeans and a dark patterned flannel shirt sent surprised pleasure coursing through her.

“Rod,” she exclaimed softly. She glanced at Mom G., who still slept, then stood and went to the man who, for a time, had been the closest she'd ever come to having a father.

His infectious grin filled her with fondness. He hugged her for a long moment and she savored the steady comfort.

“Here, now.” He drew back to look at her. “It's good to see you.”

“And it's good to see you.” She noticed his hair had turned a very distinguished gray and the crinkles around the corners of his hazel eyes had deepened. “How are you?”

“As ornery as ever.”

“Some things never change,” she teased.

He looked past her toward the bed. “How's she?”

“She had a rough night. The chemo took a lot of her strength.”

He shook his head. “Such a shame.”

“It is.” Rachel knew Mom G. would be going on to a better place, but she didn't want her to go. She didn't want to think about the hole Mom G.'s death
would leave in her life. Even though they'd been physically apart, Rachel took strength from both the knowledge that Mom G. loved her and from her weekly phone calls. Mom G. had always been there for her.

“Olivia's very proud of you, Rachel.”

His words brought her pleasure. Mom G. had always encouraged and supported her goals. But the little girl she kept locked inside shook with dread. She was scared to be alone. “What am I going to do, Rod?”

He hugged her close again. “What are we all going to do? She's been a rock in all of our lives.”

Rachel nodded, remembering how fond Mom G. was of Rod. Rachel had always wondered if their relationship went beyond friendship. Neither would admit—at least not to anyone else—to anything deeper nor act on it.

Speculatively she glanced at Rod. “You two are close, aren't you?”

His eyes twinkled despite an obvious sadness. “Yes, we are.”

“How close?”

“Close enough.” He winked.

“You…” A noise from the bed made her pause. Mom G.'s eyes were open.

“She's awake.” Rachel breathed out a sigh of relief, thankful sleep hadn't turned into a coma. Each time Mom G. closed her eyes, the chance she wouldn't reopen them increased.

“She is indeed.” Rod sat next to the bed and took Mom G.'s hand in his. “Olivia, my dear. I'm glad to see you. I came by early yesterday but you were sound asleep.”

Mom G. smiled and her eyes glowed with affection. Rachel swallowed back the sadness that threatened to choke her. Mom G. and Rod obviously cared for one another, but now Mom G.'s illness was robbing them of their happiness.

“Time's…short,” Mom G. said softly. “There's much to do.”

Rod nodded. “Yes, Olivia. It'll all work out, don't you worry.”

Rachel had no idea what they were talking about, and felt like an intruder.

“Rachel's…”

“Here,” Rod interjected.

Mom G. shifted her gaze and Rachel stepped forward. “I'm right here.”

“She's all grown up, Rod. All grown up.”

Rachel savored the motherly words, tucking the tender feelings they evoked away in her heart for safekeeping.

Rod grinned. “That she is, my dear. And a doctor, to boot.”

The praise in Rod's voice pleased Rachel.

For a brief space of time, Rod and Mom G. silently communicated. Rachel watched, growing decidedly uncomfortable. The look in Rod's eyes as he gazed at Mom G. was more than affection.

He loved her.

A funny ache throbbed within Rachel's chest.

She refused to call it yearning.

But even if it was, she wasn't stepping off God's chosen path for her life. No matter what the cost to her heart.

Wanting to give Mom G. and Rod some privacy, and needing a moment to cool her thoughts, Rachel
went to the window. The dew on the needles of the pines glinted in the sunshine like little teardrops.

“Rachel, would you mind getting me a cup of coffee?” Rod asked.

“Not at all.” Rachel headed for the door, grateful for the task.

“Cream and sugar,” Rod called after her.

She stopped at the nurses' station and smiled at the four nurses who bustled about. “Where could I get a cup of coffee?”

“I'll get you one,” said a red-haired nurse who looked vaguely familiar.

“Do I know you?” Rachel tried to remember where she'd seen the striking woman.

The nurse smiled. “My name's Jamie. You were in my older brother's class. Bob Forbes.”

“Okay, I remember him.” She smiled back, remembering the red-haired boy who'd been the class clown.

“I'll be right back with your coffee, Rachel.” Jamie walked away.

“Cream and sugar, too, please,” Rachel called after the retreating nurse.

It was strange being in a place where people knew her. Not the doctor she'd become but the girl she'd been. That girl was gone, replaced by the professional woman who knew exactly what her life was meant to be. Giving hope and health to those who needed it. She never pretended to think she could save their minds or their souls. That wasn't her calling.

But their bodies she could fix by making sure the care in the E.R. was better so no one else would needlessly lose a mom. Yet a wave of helplessness swept through her. The one person most important to her
needed her skills as a doctor and she didn't know how— She cut that thought off abruptly. She'd find a way to help Mom G. She had to.

Dr. Kessler came down the hall. “Dr. Maguire.”

She tensed. “Doctor.”

“I was hoping to see you before I made my rounds. We found some chaparral tea.”

“Good.” It may be a long shot but it was all she had.

“You realize the use of this tea is only effective when used regularly over a period of time.”

She shot him a hard glare. She didn't need the reminder that time was an issue. “I'm well aware of the situation, Doctor.”

She gritted her teeth against the gentle, pitying look in his eyes.

“Here you go.” Jamie sailed up and handed her a disposable cup. Steam billowed from the milky, brown liquid.

“Thank you, Jamie. Doctor.” She headed back to Mom G.'s room. She opened the door and slowly walked in, hovering just inside the room. Her throat tightened. Rod leaned in close to Mom G., still holding her hand. They talked in quiet tones. Rachel stepped back, intending to give them more time, but her elbow bumped the wall, making a dull thud. Rod glanced at her, and the corner of his mouth lifted before he turned back to Mom G.