Love Made Me Do It (16 page)

I didn’t want to tell my family, that I had lost another behind my lover.  Who as far as they knew, he was living in Vegas.  Too many lies.  Too much stress. 

I had no idea what I was going to do now that the smoke had cleared. I couldn’t keep pretending to go to work every day.  I couldn’t get high every day.  I know that he could, but I had steered clear of the lifestyle and yet again it was in my face.  What the hell was I going to do? 

Home life was just okay.  My grandma had recently remarried and sold the house to my uncle.  That transition took more out of me then I realized that it would.  I was so spoiled and used to the nurturing that my grandma gave me. I could barely function with her gone.

Every time I stepped into the kitchen I started crying at the thought of her being gone.  Now I was unemployed and back on drugs.  Without my grandma’s guidance I was lost.  So I did what I did best.  Moved forward anticipating, that things between me and my lover would be different.  That outcome would be a phenomenal happy ending. 

His missed court date, added to the paranoia that the drugs already caused.  It was very trying to deal with him at a normal capacity.  But I did my very best.  I still had to manage my own life and tie up loose ends. 

I put the jack rabbit on pause and the rest of my life as well.  Fighting to get my job back was a lost cause.  As they put it
I was quite the super star, climbing my way up the corporate ladder and the change I represented had no place in the corporate atmosphere
.  Which really meant;
we know you are on drugs and you need help. 
This had become a song that I was all too familiar with.  Of course my lover was happy.  I had a nice sum of money, plus and adequate amount saved up.  My grandma had taught me well and I was foreseeing everything going down the drain.  

Living with my Uncle as head of the household was much different than living with my grandma.  There wasn’t much nurturing. There was love, but he did not play any games with me.  I was grown but yet I was acting like a child.  The drugs really changed my personality and enticed me to be shady.  My lover enticed me to be shady.  So I was shady. 

I was never quite sure of when my lover would be returning back to Las Vegas, and honestly I was hoping that it would be soon.  I needed to get back on my grind and make things happen in my life.  I couldn’t just fall off AGAIN. I started sneaking my lover in the house every night after everyone else went to sleep.  That was the hardest thing, to cut off my life, and cater to his needs and wants.  I was truly loyal to him.  Too loyal. 

At that time, I’m almost positive my Uncle started to be suspicious. I was barely home because I had to entertain him all day when I was supposed to be at work.  Sharing my newest unemployed status wasn’t at the top of my to-do list.  So I kept quiet.  Direct eye contact with people was impossible for me because I wasn’t myself. 

Smoking crack had turned me into a counterpart of the Devil.  I had such a shameful existence I stopped looking at my reflection because I didn’t even recognize myself. I hated what I seen. Friendships were once again in disarray and my tunnel vision only had him on the radar. 

Sneaking my lover in and out of a house full of people was a very hard job.  He decided to not go back to Vegas until I had agreed to go with him.  Fuck.  Why did my life consist of the hardest decisions?  I would not agree to go with him.  I secretly wanted him to leave.  So in an attempt to tell him that, I have to get back to my life.  We decided to get a hotel room and have a romantic evening.  That actually involved eating. 

When you are on drugs, you never eat.  We never ate.  We would ride around town looking for the next thing that would keep us high.  Whether it be easy come ups or spending all my money.  The night at the room I told him, I can’t do this same stupid shit like before. 

That he needed to go back to Vegas and I needed to find another job.  My lover never cared about situations that could make me better or benefit us.  He only cared about situations where he could come up.  He was selfish as fuck.  In the wee hours before we were set to check out.  I had several missed calls on my cell phone from my Uncle.  I knew this couldn’t be good.

When I dialed him back, he told me to get out and I could only pick up all my stuff after I paid the balance on my rent. This was $500. That I had already smoked up.  Fuck…I just said a simple ok and got off the phone.  I looked at my lover for a solution.  His face was blank.

So I turned over and started crying.  What would it take for me to realize that nothing good could ever come to me, if I am with him or around him?  At this point, probably only death would wake me up.  I was kicked out of my house, with a monkey on my back…two monkeys, if you counted him and the drugs. 

At first the game plan was to just take the last bit of money we had and drive my car to Vegas to start a new life there.  Drug free.  That last part was hilarious.  It sounded good though.  But realistically there was not that much money between the two of us.  I am the only one who had money.  He was no help at all, financially or otherwise.

But we would make it work by any means…that was our history.  So because I did not have my $500 in rent, there would be no need to go to my house.  With no plan and nowhere to go, he decided that we should get high.  Of course we should get high.  Wasn’t shit else to do. 

So we got in my little convertible and went to the nearest spot to get drugs.  Deep East Oakland.  During those car rides I would be sick, because my body needed drugs.  I would start to dry heave, pass gas and be close to vomiting.  You would think I was on Heroine instead of smoking Crack. 

Sitting in the car was hard. I would fidget, look around.  The wait was killing me.  These were drug dealers that we were dealing with.  We didn’t call. We just showed up.  Sometimes they were out of drugs.  Sometimes we had to go to other dealers that we didn’t know.  Sometimes shit was just all bad.  When things were all bad I would be sick and he would be irritable, but we managed to get thru it.

I became very accustomed to drinking 211’s with a straw and any other malt liquor, to get a guaranteed buzz.  We were able to stay in rooms for the 1
st
few weeks I was kicked out of my house.  But we didn’t really talk too much about Vegas.  That was all bullshit, and we both knew it.  We did talk though.  We talked about us and how in love we were.  This was nice but I needed to know what we were going to do.  With the money running out fast and I was scared.  I had been out of my house for almost three weeks.  Time was ticking yet I wasn’t moving.

Praying and praying for a miracle we sat in my car, smoking our lives away.  It was so smoky and cloudy that we never even seen Fremont Police pull up on us.  Really?  The police?  We were surely going to jail.  We were smoking drugs and there were plenty drugs in the car.  It was about 11pm on a Friday night.  They ran our names.  I was good. My lover wasn’t. 

He had a domestic violence case that was unresolved.  He never completed his one year program.  So they took him, and left me.  I cried and begged the officer not to take him.  My lover just gave me a look like…
shut up dummy
.  So I shut up.  I sulked in the car for a little while.  Then I started looking for the drugs that we hid from the police so I could use them.  I found them.  Turned the engine on and sped out of that area. 

I lit up the blunt and tried to figure out where I was going to sleep for the night.  Without him by my side I had a world of options.  Hopefully.  So many bridges were burned, in such a short time.  Who was going to let Tamekia the drug addict back in.

I really had no idea, what I was going to do with myself or where I was supposed to be going.  By the looks of my gas tank, I wouldn’t be traveling very far.  I had to think fast, but those damn drugs had my mind spinning and I was sweating buckets.             

Sadly, I just drove around all night.  High and paranoid.  My final destination would be outside of Fremont jail, where they were holding my love.  This was no way to live.  The sun was already up and the rays from the sun where killing my eyes.  Short days and long nights.  I was lost with him and lost without him.

Finally, after deciding to back out of the jail parking lot, is when he called.  He asked me where I was.  They were getting ready to transfer him to Santa Rita Jail and if I stayed in the jail parking lot.  I would see his bus go by.  Sure enough, I saw him.  I honked like crazy, hoping he could either hear or see me.  Unsure on how long they would keep him, he told me to wait by the phone.  I knew that if I didn’t follow those instructions, it would be hell to pay.  Back to reality, I had no gas and just a few dollars to my name.  What the fuck was I going to do? 

I was going to survive and hopefully have a place to sleep come nightfall.  My high had finally come down and I was exhausted.  Mentally drained to be exact.  So I put a few bucks in my bucket convertible, hoping I wouldn’t run out of gas.  Next stop would be granny’s house.  Granny was one of the few people that I had left.  I had yet to burn a bridge with her.

With sleep on my mind. I was hoping that Granny would have mercy on my poor drugged out soul.  Terrified, sweating and shaking…I knocked at the door.  She let me in.  I sat on the couch caught my breath and asked her if I could stay for a few days.  I confessed that I wasn’t doing too well.  She said that she could tell.  Her exact words were that I looked like death.

Granny told me to get out of my dirty clothes and go shower and dinner would be ready.  I did as I was told.  That shower was everything I needed at that moment.  Cascading hot water…but not hot enough to wash away all my dirt.  Fresh pajamas and a nice dinner.  I slept for three days…straight. 

I woke up confused.  But thankfully I woke up.  With a clear head, maybe, just maybe I could make one right decision.  That is all I needed to give me a running start to several right decisions.  I had never slept that long.  Granny probably thought that I was dead.  Damn shame.  I wondered if my love had tried to call me.  Then just as it had always been… we were connected.  He called.  Telling me, that they would be releasing him at midnight and I better be there. 

I needed coffee and food.  To my surprise my car had been towed.  Apparently three days was too long to be parked in an unauthorized area.  Oh my God, I just let out a really loud scream.  Stomping back in the house, I couldn’t believe my life right now.  As long as he was in my vicinity I was bound to lose. 

All I needed was a game plan to go and get him by midnight.  Then he called again.  Fuck.  Fuck.  Fuck.  I was scared to even answer the phone.  But I did.  I told him the car was gone.  But that I would still be there.  He sighed in disbelief.  And so did I.  This could have been the perfect time to leave him and try to resurrect my life.  But I remained loyal and stupid.

I paced back and forth around the house while looking at the time.  I needed a way to get to him and then I needed a place that we both could sleep at for the night.  Granny had already bent by letting me in, but she would not break… So instead I asked her if I could borrow $20 to go to the store. 

Reluctantly, she gave it to me.  I kissed her and said that I would be right back.  She didn’t see me for five years.

CHAPTER 26

TRANSIETS

Without a car, Santa Rita felt like a million miles away. I took the light rail, and three buses and I was there just as he was putting the laces back in his shoes.  I hugged and kissed him.  Defeated by disbelief he suggested that we go hit some spots and try and get some shit to sell.  I was down for whatever.  Plus I felt like I fucked up since the car was now towed. 

Guilt was a steady friend of mine, he made sure of that.  Getting high was the number one priority.  That is exactly why we didn’t have shit.  With no regards to granny and going back there, I walked miles with him that night stealing anything from any store that looked like it could liquidate to either drugs or cash.  We would take either.  With four or five bottles of Patron in tow we landed in the projects of deep East Oakland.  Patron was like gold out there.  In exchange we had enough dope to have a decent night and enough money to get a room for the night. 

              The buses had stopped running so we walked miles to get that room.  Only to find out that neither one of us could find our I.D.  I begged the lady at the front desk to just let us stay for the night.  She did.  We blazed and we slept well past check out time.  No shower, no getting ready, just getting out and on to whatever hustle would get us through yet another night. 

              We were homeless, we were transients.  Just not that dirty.  Yet.  No game plan.  No need for one.  We had each other and that would be enough. It would have to be.  We started the day, by getting a lot of items to sell.

              Backpacks full of top shelf liquor, on both our backs.  We walked from Central Fremont to Fremont Bart Station.  Those backpacks had to weigh at least 20lbs or more.  There was no complaining and barely any talking.  I followed his lead.  I wanted him and I wanted to do drugs with him.  So I did as I was told.