Love Made Me Do It (28 page)

              Once all of us where loaded into the van, the butterfly doors were opened up and we drove thru.  I watched the butterfly doors close and I took a good look at the prison from the outside.  That was an image I never wanted to see again.  Maybe I had been scared straight. 

CHAPTER 38

The Aftermath

Getting out of prison in the literal sense is the easiest part.  Staying out and getting pieces of your life back is the hardest.  I was going to a halfway house and I would be on parole for six months.  Any contact with any law enforcement agencies could be an automatic parole violation and send me back. 

              All the passengers in the van were unloaded and un-cuffed in front of the Parole & Probation Department and set free.  The first thing I did was walk to the 7-11 across the street and buy a Red Bull, a pack of Marlboro Menthol 100’s, and a pack of Big Red Gum.  I sat by the flagpole in front of the parole office, cracked open my drink and lit a cigarette.  That, was too much excitement, I started getting dizzy.  I had to remind myself that there would be plenty time to take everything in.  That was the stem of my previous problems….I rushed everything.

              The driver for the halfway house pulled up and I jumped in.  I was on my way to the Covenant of Love.  It was the newest one out of all of the houses that the owner had.  It was very nice.  There were two or three to a room.  Most of those women I had known, either from doing county time with them or state time. 

I had no intentions on staying in this house longer than necessary.  There was a 10pm curfew, chores, house meetings, morning-prayer sessions, and mandatory attendance to church and it was clear on the other side of town.  Those weren’t bad things at all, but my goal was to follow the plan I had come up with.  I was now an ex-felon that factor alone would make a difference if I let it.

              I had a game plan, and I executed it the first night.  But not before I took a long look at myself in a rear mirror.  There are no real mirrors in prison.  I was okay with what I saw.  I saw a bare-face, and a renewed soul looking back at me.  I smiled at my own reflection.  That was a reward within itself.

              Some of my housemates were going to Walmart and I jumped in the van with them.  I bought a cell phone from a dude that lived at one of the other house locations for $35. It was already activated.  I called my mom and let her know that I was out. I called my sister and my best friend.  Everyone was so happy to hear my voice and I was happy to hear theirs as well.

              I bought hygiene products, a new bra, panties, Capri jeans, a tee shirt, a perm, lip-gloss, flip flops, and a hoodie.  I never wanted to see those prison clothes again.  It was late when we came back from Walmart and I took a shower and went to sleep.  I slept hard, I remember having vivid dreams and waking up with more positivity then I went to sleep with.

              Next on the agenda, was to call the job I was on my way to the morning I was arrested to see if I could come reapply.  When I called they wanted me to start the next day.  I told them that for the first 10 days you are not allowed to leave the house, unless it was for legal business.  I was told not to worry that nothing would change in 10 days. I was more than welcome to come back.  I was off to a good start.

              I didn’t request to be excused from the 10 day rule.  Instead I took my own advice. I rested and didn’t rush anything.  I applied for medical benefits at the Social Service Office; they gave me general aid, and food stamps.  There was food that was shared in the house but with that many people. I wanted to make sure that I had the highest chance of eating what I wanted, when I wanted to eat it.  Food was one of the biggest desires I wanted to get back too.  I wanted to enjoy food without worrying about a bell ringing to dismiss me. 

              I prayed every day and every night.  I lead prayers in our morning meetings.  I had no desire to use drugs but I did have a small desire to talk to my lover.  I think it was natural for me to want to know about his status.  I had no idea if he was in or out.  I had no current phone number for his mama, but I was able to reach her at her job.  She still worked the graveyard shift at the gas station.

              She agreed to meet up with me, so that I could get whatever belongings hadn’t been stolen by his sister in law and the side chick.  We had lunch that day as well.  She caught me up on my lover’s whereabouts and his status.  He still had one more year to do.  That was a perfect amount of time to get my shit together. Whether I waited for him or not a year was perfect.  She also told me that soon after we were arrested the bank foreclosed on the house.  So she moved into a one bedroom by herself and refused to ever live with any one of us again.  In my head I was thinking… I didn’t say shit about living with you and I will never be asking you for any type of housing assistance.  At that moment I recognized that his mama was a trigger for me.  She would be an unnecessary stress factor that could send me over the edge.  No thank you.

              I saw her a few more times and retrieved very few of my belongings.  My wardrobe had been ransacked. There were many articles of clothing missing and pairs of shoes.  I was used to it.  I wasn’t even mad or surprised.  This had become the norm for me since I had lived in Vegas.  But this time I loved myself more than the stolen clothes, I was trying to recover. 

              I also wasn’t so concerned with her approval of my life.  She gave me my lover’s address. I called her every two weeks or so to check on her.  That was the extent of our relationship.  Even with barely any contact I was jeopardizing my sobriety and my sanity.  I still hadn’t let go of the sense of loyalty that I felt like I owed her.  We did a lot of foul things and put her in danger that she did not deserve.  You have to be honest with yourself, and now that I was clean it was imperative that I followed that mantra.  Being honest hadn’t always been easy for me.  But I was going to do my best to start being honest at all costs.

              Going back to work was the best way to spend my time.  I walked for over 30 minutes to get to the bus stop every morning.  I rode one bus for an hour and 15 minutes.  During those morning rides, I thought about my life.  I thought about my lover’s life, and I thought about the lives we both ruined with our dysfunction.  Those thoughts made me cry, but those thoughts gave me the drive I needed to push every day.

              My sales game at work was getting better and better.  It was almost like I had never left.  I picked up where I left off.  I renewed my work friendships and I made new ones.  Those friendships saw me thru my tough days.  Increased my money and allowed me to see things in myself that I had long forgotten.  I started bringing home checks every week that had commas in them.  That was always the goal…to be in commission. It was $12 and hour versus commission.  Whichever one was higher is what your check would be.  The competitor in me refused to do anything but be the best.  My best friend at work became my best friend in life.  He showed me ways to improve my sales pitch.  He showed me how to stack my money. He showed me how to believe in myself, even when no one else did.  Then ultimately my coworker became my roommate.  It wasn’t hard saying bye to the ladies at the halfway house. I had paid my dues there and hopefully I had been an example to them.  I followed the rules and my game plan was to just make that a pit stop.  I was proud of myself.  No one was going to give you anything and I knew that.  So I went out and acquired the things I wanted.  

              With a solid best friend money in the bank, and a new lease on life… I made preparations to move back to California.  Not only was my best friend amazing but his girlfriend was as well.  Then there was three, me, him and her.  We worked together, played together and lived together.  Although they are close to 10 years younger than me, they exposed me to positivity and showed me how to have fun.  I let loose and I never felt guilty about it.  I even took a trip to see the jack rabbit in Atlanta. 

              Atlanta was good to me; the jack rabbit was good to me.  He cooked for me, and made me feel like a princess.  At that moment every bit of love that I ever had for him, came back.  I think out of all the interactions we had over the years, that was the only time that we ever loved each other, with the same exact intensity.  But just like my other intimate interactions, I was too damaged to move forward.  I needed to fix myself first before I could expect a man to fully commit to me.  I appreciated him, loved him and continued to prepare for the rest of my life.

              My lover was in my heart and we stayed in constant contact.  I sent money every two weeks, packages, cards, pictures and accepted all his calls.  I was still trying to see where my head was at. Plus trying to come to a firm decision about where we stood. Could our relationship be fixed after he came home? It was hard for me to consider letting him go.  But it would be even harder going backwards.  It was my life and I was learning to not let guilt trips effect decisions that needed to be made.

              But until I made my final decision, I was still his and he was still mine.  I did what he asked of me.  I checked on his mama, I visited other people in his family.  Making sure that my visits were in correlation with when he would call.  His brother was in and out of the hospital. Even though he couldn’t stand me, I gave him my support.  When you’re loyal even the most detrimental situations, you will find that your loyalty has no expiration date.

              I was as honest as I could be with my lover but I was mindful to not hurt is feelings and bring him down.  He was in the last stretch of his sentence, but I had to mention moving back to California.  I needed him to understand that Vegas wasn’t good for me, and although location had nothing to do with my frame of mind…I learned in my stints in rehab that I had to change my people, places and things.  

              He was not happy at the thought of me leaving.  But I chose to be selfish.  Then I looked back at my 6 years there. I reflected on all the prayers I begged God to answer and that is when I knew that I had to leave.  My best chance at surviving and staying clean was to leave him while he was still locked up.

              Some may think that was a coward move, but I knew it was a safe decision and the best one for my life.  It hurt me to tell him that I needed to be with my family.  Although I loved him, I was going to do what was best for me.  He was given the choice to join me after he finished his sentence.  But I would not pressure him either way.  I wanted to live. I finally had the momentum I needed to do something different and to feel good about my own life decisions.

              I never want to inflict pain on anyone in my life especially someone who I had spent a decade with.  I just wanted peace.  I wanted to be happy and if I couldn’t be happy with him.  Then I would continue to pursue happiness by myself and with whom-ever else wanted those same things.

              I contacted my in-law that I had hired at my job and I made peace with her.  I apologized for doubting her loyalty and she said that she was proud that I chose to move on without my lover.  She had her own dysfunction along with four kids. So I valued those words.  I no longer needed or was looking for validation, for the moves that I was making.  I just wanted to be home with my family. I wanted and needed my own mama to hug me and tell me that she was proud that I was her daughter.  Those were necessities to me.  My lover had lost his number one spot, and it was both of our faults.

              Saying good bye to Vegas and the healthy relationships that I was leaving behind tugged at my heart strings.  But see when you are really for someone and their happiness, at some point you may have to say goodbye.  I had acquired two best friends and several other people that remain pivotal factors in my growth.  That was what life was about.  Growing, changing, and maturing. 

              I said good bye, it was hard…actually it was beyond hard but I knew that the next part of my journey needed to be in California.  My lover called the day before my big move. I cried to him and told him that this was best.  He sounded more like the man I had once fell in love with.  He was drug free and dealing with life circumstances the best he could from where he was at. He could not change my decision and he knew that.  I prayed that his new lease on life extended past the prison walls.

CHAPTER 39

HOME SWEET HOME

I am in awe that there was so much pain & anguish that I tolerated.  But I am more in awe; that I managed to extinguish most of that pain once I left him behind.  I belittled myself and justified everything just to show him that I was a loyal woman.