Love Made Me Do It (29 page)

Loyalty has no expiration date but if a person is not loyal to you, then your actions are truly in vain.  I could have done things better and different and didn’t.  But as the man, and the head of our relationship he consistently led me to danger. Even though, he had the power to lead us to greatness.

              People often ask me if I could change the situations I was entangled in, would I?  I am a firm believer that our individual paths are predestined. Everything I went thru was pretty much how it should have been.  Everyone serves a purpose in life.  Maybe my purpose will be to teach and give others hope, when they think there is no way out, and all is lost.

I cried like a baby at the airport but we all knew that I had to go.  Similar to a baby bird going out to feed for the first time alone…They had to trust that nature had taken its course. I was rehabilitated and well enough to leave the nest.  I felt ready.  I was ready to love the people that were still by my side, the right way.  I prayed that my love would be reciprocated.

              Everyone was so elated to see me.  I was overwhelmed with emotions, and I felt complete.  My mom slept in the bed with me for my first few days and rubbed my hair and just stared at me.  I am her first born and her only daughter.  She held me and told me how much she loved me.  When I tried to apologize for being a family embarrassment she held me even tighter.  That was real.  This was family and I never wanted to be in a space that took me away from the love that would always be there. 

              It was good to be home, but honestly it felt foreign to me.  Streets looked different, some people were different.  But it was okay because I was also different.  Change is a part of life.  I immediately tried to jump back into the lives of my friends and even that took time.  Trust had been lost and everyone’s life had continued to evolve.  I did my best to respect that.  I had burned bridges and told many lies. I prayed that in time, I would be part of the evolving of those that I loved.

              I left my mama’s house after about a week and moved in with my Granny.  The last time she seen me I said I would be right back.  I never came back.  It had been five years.  That still makes me cry, I can’t believe I left like that.  I’m sure she waited up and looked out the windows and the front door…To see if I was coming up the walkway.  My Granny is someone who never ever failed me, and yet I failed her.  Nonetheless, she was happy to see me.  She blessed me with a car and talked to me about going back to school.  She also told me, I had to improve my work ethic because she wouldn’t be around forever to take care of me.  I took every piece of her advice and enrolled in school the next day.

              My lover got out a little sooner than anticipated.  Although I took his calls, and told him I loved him…it was over. I wouldn’t allow any fresh starts to stale news. Much to my dismay, he was drunk the very first day he got out.  This hammered the nail into the coffin.  Ensuring, that we could never be. Prison hadn’t changed him.  But most definitely, prison had changed me.  I could never live the life; that I lived with him ever again.  I broke the chains on all my addictions.  Including the need to be in his life.

              Looking back I think about my three failed suicide attempts, the thousands of dollars I spent on getting high; and all my other destructive behavior and I know that I survived for a greater purpose.  That has yet to be revealed to me. Starting over in more ways than one. I was eager to start repairing what I could.  Some relationships I was able to repair; and some would only exist in my heart.

I’ve learned that I have to be accountable for the roles I played in every situation.  I never ever claimed to be innocent, but I can honestly say that my addiction prohibited my ability to function at a normal capacity.  My addiction and my perception of love cost me things; that all the money in the world could never recover.  I anxiously, anticipate and wait for my karma because no matter what…you reap what you sow. 

              I came home to stockpiled bills from the IRS and EDD that exceeded 20k.  But I also came home, knowing that I had acquired skills that gave me the ability and the mindset to conquer every responsibility I left behind.  What else could I ask for, without being greedy?  So I take the good with the bad and I deal with it. 

              A lot of prayer, therapy, love and support from my family and friends see me thru every dark hour I have.  I try my best every day to be better than I was the day before.  Do I fall short?  Absolutely.  Do I have days that I spend in bed and cry and reflect on the things I have done wrong?  Of course.  But those bad days don’t really come around like they used too.  Whether it’s a bad day or a wonderful day; I get up and do what is asked of me.

I hold no shame, but I do carry the guilt of knowing I had a hand in bringing misery to others.  I have been judged by so many and I have no control of someone else’s perception of my actions.  But I learned to be okay with who I see in the mirror.  We all sin differently, and my sin is no greater than those who choose to be judgmental.  God will deal with me accordingly.  I just pray that he has mercy on my soul and that heard my many cries to be forgiven. 

              Ultimately, my lover married the in-law that I hired.  The rumors where true, the lies weren’t lies.  So his step niece is now is wife.  His cousin is the one that called and told me.  That wasn’t to be disloyal, but because I had been around for more than a decade, he thought I should know.  It does hurt to know that I played a starring role, in being a fool in my own life.  But I let that go too. 

Everyone isn’t for everyone. As shady as it is that he married someone that I considered a friend.  I’ve accepted that too.  I find solace in knowing that I left him first. I knew that I had no room for garbage in my life.  I only had room for growth. 

              Every January 19
th
I acknowledge the fact that I kicked a drug habit that damn near put me six feet under.  Every April 21
st
I acknowledge the fact that I spent one year of my life enclosed in prison.  Every day I thank God that I have a chance to really live, to really love and to give myself a chance to create a life worth living.  Surviving isn’t living, it’s merely getting by.  I always wanted to do more than just get by. 

              If you’ve supported me thru out this journey and read my blogs and now my book…I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I realize that I can be sensitive and emotional, but please continue to give me support in the rawest form.  I need consistent and constant doses of what is right.  I am human and with all the trials and tribulations that I have overcome, sometimes it takes me a little while for it to sink in…

              I am living proof that everything is possible if you want it bad enough.  I was a crack head, a liar, a thief, a criminal and I manipulated men to get money for my habit.  But today and every day, I work towards being the change I want to see.

              I’m on the right side of the law. I’ve been clean for almost six years, and I realize that my body is a temple and I don’t have to let men use it as a doormat.  I am still working on my boundaries with men and I suspect that with time, someone special will come into my life…but first I must fully grasp the concept of SELF LOVE. 

              Life isn’t easy, but let my story serve as a template on what not to do.  Love didn’t make me do anything, because that was never love.  It was me being complacent and my addiction magnified my fear of being alone.  But now that I’m rid of my demons, I realize I was never alone.  There were, and are so many people that love me. 

Love starts, and ends with you.

Finally…I part with who I was, in order to meet who I have yet to become.

Dearest Tamekia,

As you look back on life and how it used to be; make sure it’s only a glance that serves as a reminder that there is no need to be ashamed of who you were.  There is no longer any need to hide from your past; it’s where you’ve been that gives you the strength to battle each day.  There is an abundance of greatness inside of you, and now is your time to shine.  Although bits and pieces of you are still a work in progress.  You have a light that will progressively get brighter and attract the right type of people.  Be patient and kind to yourself, you’ve been thru enough.  God has blessed you with something wonderful, and that’s the ability to be able to love without reflecting on how many times you have been hurt.  However, please keep in mind, that it’s imperative that you save some of that love for yourself.  It’s impossible to love anyone else until you really love you.  There is no need to feel insecure, with or without makeup, you are beautiful.  Your flaws are what make you unique.  These are qualities that cannot be duplicated.  They are yours, much like a fingerprint.  Be yourself at all times, because everyone else is already taken.  There is no longer a need to hide behind sunglasses because you have a black eye that you’re trying to conceal, and no need to wear long sleeves or apply make-up to cover up bruises that trail your body.  You are free to smile because your soul and spirit are no longer consumed by drugs or an abusive man.  I promise that you will never be dragged to a mirror and told that you are ugly.  I also promise that your body is not a resting place for men that have no purpose and serve no purpose in your life.  Tamekia, my dear Tamekia, I am beyond proud that you are finally on your way to evolving into what everyone already believed you could be but you were unable to see, because you were blinded by what you perceived love to be.  Finally, be mindful of your actions, be ready for judgment, steer clear of negative energy and never apologize for being who you are.  Anyone who minds your change will never matter and the people that matter will love, that you loved yourself enough to change.

Sometimes, you just have to bare it all…in order to recreate the best version of yourself and gain more than you’ve ever had…

             
If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence.  I urge you to get help.  Don’t allow your fears of being alone take away years of your life.  Domestic violence situations affect not only you, but those around you.  Love yourself enough to know that love is not violent.  Love is merciful, kind, patient and loyal. 

              If you don’t have anyone that you feel you can turn too, please contact
The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233
.

              Be kind to yourself and make sure that others are kind to you as well.  You only get one chance at life. Don’t relinquish your power to someone else.  Learn to recognize the early signs of abuse.