Love Me: Oakville Series:Book 5 (16 page)

I’
m awake, but too tired to open my eyes. They feel heavy—so heavy, I think it would take all the strength I have left in me to open them. During the last few weeks, my body has started giving up. I sleep at least twenty of the twenty-four hours in a day and I’m still confined to my bed for the four hours I’m lucky enough to be awake because my legs aren’t strong enough to hold me up. We tried putting me in a wheel chair so I could at least be moved around the house or outside, but it hurts to be touched, making transfers in and out of the chair impossible. The pain that wracks my body is excruciating. Even the sheets rubbing my skin the wrong way has me screaming. Pain meds at this point are useless. With each day that passes, I get weaker, and I know this is almost over. My stomach twists from the realization that I’m going to die very soon. I’ve been putting on a brave face for everyone around me, not wanting them to worry more than they already do, but if I’m being honest, I am anything but brave.

I’m terrified to die.

I’ve never been an overly religious person, but I have always believed in God and Heaven. Now that I’m this close to finding out what’s really out there, I’m afraid the things I’ve believed...that I’ve been told, are all a lie. It’s not like I can do anything about it regardless, but I find myself thinking about this more and more as the days go on. Are there really pearly gates and angels with beautiful white feathered wings? Will I get to see the people I’ve lost? I guess it’s the unknown of it all that’s so scary.

What guts me the most out of this shitty situation, if that’s what you can call it, is leaving my boys. It’s not how I feel that bothers me. It’s what it’ll do to them. Marcus is not going to handle this well. I know this because if he were the one dying, I would drown in sorrow and grief. I just hope having Chase to take care of is enough to keep his head above water. Chase, my sweet and sensitive little boy. There’s still so many things I need to teach him, to tell him, so many milestones I’ll never get to witness—sports games, first girlfriend, getting his driver’s license, high school graduation, getting married, becoming a father…there are probably a dozen more. I’m so grateful he has all his aunts and uncles around to help guide him. The girls will be there when he needs a mom. I love those girls and know they will take care of him like he was their own. They’ll make sure they are there when he needs a shoulder.

The creak of the door opening pulls me from my depressing thoughts. With great difficulty, I pry my eyes open and turn my head toward the door. Angel’s head cranes around the door. When he sees I’m awake, a bright smile breaks out across his handsome face.

“Hey there, beautiful. Can I come in?” he questions, even though he’s already pulling the chair over to my bed. I nod and grin at him. With a wink, he sits down and carefully takes my hand in his. I love this man. I can tell him anything and don’t have to worry about upsetting him. Though I know this is hard for him, it’s not the same as it is with Marcus. “What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours, T?” His voice is gentle, full of concern and compassion. If there’s anyone I can tell this to, it’s Angel. I take a deep breath and rub my chest. Even breathing fucking hurts these days.

“It’s time, Angel,” I whisper, and the smile fades from his face. His free hand grips the back of his neck. He doesn’t need further explanation. My meaning is crystal clear. He exhales loudly and looks up to the ceiling. When his eyes meet mine, I can see the tears building in them. Mine begin to water as well. This is harder than I thought it would be. He opens his mouth to speak, but closes it and takes a minute or so to compose himself. I know this is rough for him, so I wait patiently, giving him the time he needs.

“What do you need me to do?” he finally asks. That’s a good question. I have no clue what the fuck I need right now. Well, not having cancer would be nice. I guess I’m not the lucky recipient of a miracle.

“I need you to get everyone here. I want to be able to say goodbye while I can. Have Marcus come in. I need to tell him first so we can decide how to tell Chase,” I tell him. My body jerks as a shiver runs through it. Angel notices and goes to the closet. He pulls down a blanket from the shelf and spreads it over me.

“Better?” he asks, and kisses my forehead. “I’ll take care of it.” He turns to go, but stops in the doorway. Looking back, he smiles weakly. “I love you, T,” he chokes out, then leaves me alone. It takes everything in me to hold in my own sobs. This whole thing...sucks. It just plain sucks. I’m going to leave behind so many people I love and who love me. They’re going to hurt so badly from this. I wish there were a way to ease the pain they’ll all endure when this is over. Unfortunately, there’s not a damn thing that will make any of this better.

Marcus comes through the door with a smile on his face. My heart still skips a beat when I see him. After all this time with him, he’s still the most handsome man I’ve ever laid eyes on. His smile quickly fades once his eyes lock on mine. I watch as his face completely crumbles. It’s as if I can physically see his heart breaking. No longer can I hold my tears at bay. Steadily, they stream down my face as Marcus eases his way into the bed next to me. He gently takes me in his arms. I want to be there so badly, I push the pain it’s causing from my mind. My face rests on his hard chest as he kisses the top of my head. I can feel his tears falling into my hair. We lay here in silence, both of us crying.

“I don’t know if I can do this, sweetness,” Marcus says in a whisper. “Just the thought of you being gone forever cripples me. What is it going to be like when it actually happens?” I stay silent, knowing he’s not looking for a response. I allow him the time he needs to gather his thoughts so he can say what he needs to say. I do my best to stay calm and not let my own anguish take over. “Do you remember the night we met?” he asks, and I can hear the smile in his voice.

“How could I forget?” I was so stupid back then. Bo was a total douchebag. He was nice for about ten minutes, but once his true colors began to show, I knew I needed to get away from him. “You were my nosy savior,” I say with a chuckle. Thank God he was listening in that night. I hate to think what could have happened to me.

“I was impressed by you. Taking that lug head down with a kick to the nuts was badass.”

“It may have looked badass, but I felt anything but. I was terrified. But then you risked a major ass whooping in order to protect me. I think I fell in love with you the instant you landed on your ass after taking that first punch,” I tell him. He had the kindest eyes and even though he was much smaller, he still stood up for me.

“I fall in love with you more every day. I used to think a love like ours was just bullshit you read in fairy tales, that there was no way in hell it actually existed, but it does. I’ve never been happier to be wrong. Thank you for giving me that.” His voice is trembling. His body shakes and cold tears begin to fall in my hair again. “You have been my heart since I met you. I’m afraid. I’m afraid when you di—leave, my heart will follow. I love you, sweetness. So fucking much. I’m not ready for this. I need you here with me. Chase needs you,” he cries, as if he’s begging me to stay. I wish I had control of that, but I don’t. “I’ve prayed to God every night to take me instead. You’re the strong one. I’m not going to make it without you. I will never recover from this.” A tight fist constricts around my heart. He’s going to be broken and if I’m not here, who will fix him? The sobs I’ve been trying so hard to hold in break out. There’s no controlling them now. He holds me a little tighter as we both break down together.

After a few minutes, I find my words. “You
can
do this, baby. I know it. Chase will need his daddy and you will be the amazing and strong father you are. I—” Marcus cuts me off before I can finish, his voice filled with torment.

“You are the heart and soul of this family. You’re my heart and soul. I can’t do this alone.”

“But, baby...you won’t be alone,” I whisper. I look up into his eyes so I know he hears me. “We have some incredible friends who will be there for you and Chase. They will make sure you both survive this. Knowing that is the only thing that gives me an ounce of peace.” He shakes his head. Bringing my hand up, I take his chin between my thumb and forefinger. “Marcus, I’m begging you. Please do this for me. This is the last thing I will ever ask of you.” He flinches. Guilting him was the last thing I wanted to do, but he needs to know he can do this. I believe that one hundred percent.

“That’s not fair,” he says, looking away from me. It’s not fair and I know it. As long as he allows our friends to be there for them both, he will be okay...eventually. “You know I’ll do anything for you, sweetness. I’ll do my best. That’s the only thing I can promise.” He sounds defeated.

“That’s all I ask.” I settle my head back on his chest. My eyes are heavy. This conversation has exhausted me. We still need to talk to Chase and I’ll need to be rested for that one. I give in to sleep.

T
aryn falls asleep quickly, exhausted from the draining conversation we just had. I’ve never lied to my wife in all the years we’ve been together, but I think I just did. It’s not that I don’t want to be okay. I do. Being the dad I need to be for Chase is the most important thing to me. Devastation and heartache are already beginning to take over me and she’s still here. The feelings are only going to get worse when she’s gone. I honestly don’t think I’ll be able to handle it. This beautiful, smart, sexy, and strong woman owns me. She owns my heart, and when she’s gone, my heart will be buried with her.

Gently, I slip out of the bed. Looking down at her resting peacefully causes my heart to clench. She has a lot more faith in me than I have in myself. With trembling lips, I bend down and place a soft kiss on her forehead. She’s pale. Her skin is cold. When she breathes, there’s a loud rattling sound coming from her chest. It won’t be long now and my stomach churns at the thought. I find it hard to catch my breath. Bile rises in my throat. Rushing from the room, I make my way to the hall bathroom and slam the door behind me. I lean over the toilet and empty the measly contents of my stomach. I’ve been so worried about Taryn lately, I tend to forget to feed myself. When I do remember to eat, I only get a few bites down before I begin to get nauseous.

I’ve also seen what this disease is doing to Chase. Before all of this, he was always happy and smiling. Now getting him to smile is a chore. He’s lost weight. When he’s away from Taryn, he’s nervous and worried. We’ve been afraid the poor kid will develop an ulcer. A lot of the same changes are apparent in our friends. They’ve put their own lives on hold to be here helping us deal. I see the exhaustion and weariness in their faces. Sadness resides in their eyes. The thought of losing Taryn breaks their hearts, too. I wonder if she realizes how many people love her—how many lives she’s made better just by being herself.

When I’m sure I’m finished, I get off the floor. At the sink, I splash some cold water on my face and rinse the vile taste from my mouth. Staring into the mirror at my pitiful reflection causes me to flinch. Going out there in front of Chase like this will do nothing but stress him more. I have to find a way to push my emotions aside—at least for now. My son needs me to be strong for him. Breaking down will do nothing to help him. How the hell do we tell him it’s time? We’ve talked to him for months, trying to prepare him, but is anyone ever really prepared? Especially a child. He doesn’t understand why any of this is happening.

“You need to be strong. Your feelings don’t matter right now,” I say to my reflection. I push away the emotions plaguing me.
Be strong for Chase
, I say over and over in my head until I feel my body go numb. I can do this. I have to do this.