Loved In Pieces (34 page)

In the back of my mind I know you’ve been
reamed and betrayed,
but I don’t know what
that’s like
. Why won’t you tell me about it?
I see grossness in front of me and you’ve seen that in person before. It freaked me out.

I told
my parents
how I
mess
ed up everything.
My mom is
sorry, too.

I watched your films last night/this morning, your TV episodes, interviews. Mom had bought everyth
ing you’ve been in and your mom ha
s been in. I only had seen
Muse
and
Romeo & Juliet
before. But this time, I was even more amazed.
That movie about Virginia Woolf was haunting. Wow.
I even saw the movie where you scream and run from vampires. I looked you up online
. I didn’t know you’ve been in about twenty films
. I read your fan pages. Pictures of you and me from
last night are already everywhere.

I know I promised
you I’d never see
Left to Die
.
Sorry
,
I just broke my promise. I started it about an hour ago. I was so turned on watching you on that swing
.
I went limp, like last night. That rape scene freaked me out. I thought I’d puke. I turned it off and didn’t watch the rest of the film.  I just sat here feeling so bad for you. What you’ve had to endure
alone
—t
rying to understand you.

You’
re incredible
—
beyond me
—
s
tronger tha
n
me
.
Maybe Franz was right that I criticize you because I’m insecure. I don’t know. I don’t want to criticize you. I think you’re amazing, perfect. I just want the best for you, to be healthy, modest, and happy.

You’ve talked about “compartmentalizing.”
I see that. I think you have 3 pieces: school girl I know, actress I don’t know,
and Salish Indian I fell in love with on Navajo lands. I think the Salish girl
has the
energy to hold it all together. S
he stuns me. I don’t deserve her
but I want to hold her so close and never let go
.

I’m pissed you kissed Byron but it follows classic patterns of manipulation. He was demonstrat
ing
that you can trust him. YOU CAN’T TRUST THAT GUY
!
!

Will you take me back after I was such a prick? No sex, best friends who just kiss and hold hands. Please don’t
break-up
with me. I love you.
—
Manuel

I already had his number
selected
. He answered the phone immediately.

“Yes, that makes me so happy! Kiss and hold hands.” Tears were streaming down my cheeks. I needed him and still g
o
t to have him on my terms. “I thought you were going to dump
me
for being a prude
and kissing Byron
.”

“No…. Thanks for not dumping
me
for being a total asshole. I’m so relieved. Sorry to be so dense,” he sighed. “
I’
m pissed you kissed Byron.
I’ll drop by before I go to work
, give you a big hug and the opportunity to grovel about kissing a creep
.”

I had a surge of happy energy and practically danced my way to the bathroom. I wanted to get the Muse contract from my safe deposit box before going to breakfast with
Mom
. Celia made me curious and I didn’t want to wait until Monday to fax the contract to her. She was so busy but always t
ook
Sunday off. She goes to a Christian church every Sunday morning while
D
ad rides his beloved
horse
in the Woodside
hills. Then they meet for lunch at
a
c
offee
s
hop in downtown Palo Alto. They both like
d
routines.

I
took two
pain killers
to ease my headache
and
put
on
makeup because I knew there would be photographers waiting to get pictures of me leaving my house with my boyfriend. They’d be so disappointed that the boyfriend didn’t stay the night. They
would
follow me to the bank and then give up on scoring a picture of the young lovers.

Mom
was reprimanding someone on the phone when I
entered
the living room. She was defending my slip-up last night. I realized she was arguing with several people on a conference call. Richard certainly was
on the call as was my publicist
and, of course, Sage. But there were more.

Mom
smiled at me when I walked in
to
the room, kept talking and listening, and pointed to the kitchen.

“Hi, Attila!” I smiled as I got a
drink of water from the fridge
.

“Hi. Michelle is sorry she can’t go to breakfast. I’ve made this for you.” He removed a frittata out of the oven and plated it. I sat at the kitchen counter and drank the smoothie ready for me on the placemat.

“Thanks. I’m so hungry,” I said. I started eating it immediately, slightly burning my tongue.

“I need to go out now and buy some ingredients for some comfort food.” He smiled devilishly. “
I’m so glad I finally get to feed you
real food
.
What would you say to lasagna on Monday and truffle mac-n-cheese on Thursday?”

“Devine!” I smiled. Like cake, pasta
wa
s strictly off limits.
“Can you make a portion for my boyfriend, too, so we can eat in together?”

“Evan?” He asked.

“No, I’m dating Manuel, finally.”

“Oh, Marie, that’
s wonderful. I like him
. H
e’s your best friend.
I
liked Evan, too.
” He
wondered if he was being unprofessional and then
laughed
,
“Y
ou don’t need to hide in your room Saturday morning
s
.
I can make you guys breakfast.
”

“We’re not hiding, Attila. It’
s just the only day I don’t exercise, the only day we can sleep in together.”

He
gave me a knowing look and
laughed at me
. W
e were avoiding him on Saturday mornings.
“See ya.”
He
said as he walked out the door. I could hear the sound of cameras clicking, stop, and then some chatting. Attila
wa
s a professional so they kn
e
w he wo
uldn
’t talk, but they
we
re saying hi, asking him about his wife and boys. He
asked them
about their lives and kids.

I put my dishes in the dishwasher, grabbed my purse and left. I thought of Manuel. He said he’d stop by before work.
By now, the press would have matched his face to his name
and determined where he live
d
.
He’d have to get from his apartment to his Vespa today th
r
ough the
photographers
. If he stop
ped
by, he’d have to get from the Vespa to the front gate. When he le
ft
,
they’d follow him
to his work
. That would be too hard for him.

I text
ed
Manuel, “I’ll drop
u
off at work. I want to talk to Liz. Explain.”

I opened the garage door and started my car. I already had a text back, “
K. D
o
not
apologize to her!
”

“When should I come?”

“Need to b @ work @ 4. Come anytime. I miss u.”

“K.
E
rrand in Brentwood. Fax to send. C u after. U want Starbucks?”

“Sure.”

Already,
the
sound from the cameras
stopped
. I drove out of my garage and ran my errands. I valet parked for Starbucks off of Montana Ave
. Finally, I was ready to see my boyfriend
and texted Manuel
that
I was on my way.

Liz
waited
for me and
signaled to
me to park in one of her tenant’s carports.
I could see that her eyes were red and puffy from
crying. She ran to me as I got out of the car and hugged me.

Liz whispered, “I’m so sorry.
I shouldn’t have bought that stuff for you. I thought you needed help.
Manny
and Carlos argued with me but I got carried away.
Please don’t blame
him
.”

The cameras were clicking rapidly. She understood it was show time. I
smiled at her to relieve her guilt and
gave her the carrier with the four coffees
. W
e headed up to her apartment smiling
at
each other.
She surprised me. She acted like a PR pro.

I saw Manuel and ran over to him. He caught me and we spun together from the momentum. All was forgiven. We relaxed into each other, smiling, comforted. Instantly the heaviness of the room was lifted. Carlos gave Liz a warm hug.
Janet
smiled at me
.

“Do you mind if we do some homework tog
ether?” Manuel asked, stiffly
.
“I
have to finish
an
essay
before I go to work
. I have a ton of studying to do tomorrow, too.”

“Yeah, that’s great. I have to borrow your books. I didn’t think about bringing my backpack.”

We retreated to Manuel’s bedroom to study.
We were both sitting with our backs against his bed on the floor of his room and I leaned over to kiss his cheek. He was
a statue
but smiled at me.

“You’re hurting my feelings, Manuel.”
I admitted.

He held my hand and kissed it. “
I don’t want to be an ass. I don’t want to mess us up
again.”

“But I want to kiss you.
I love kissing you. I finally get to. Please don’t shut down again.”

“I’m more pissed than I thought I’d be that you didn’t diss Byron.”

“I’m so sorry. I wish I knew what to say, but I don’t know why I’m so weak around him.
I can promise that I’ll try my hardest to resist him in the future. I certainly hope I never kiss him again as me but you know I will again as Muse. It’s part of the job and messes u
p
me being me.
”

He shrugged his shoulders, “
I know. I’ve had four years getting used to you kissing other guys. But now it sucks. And
I’m having a hard time being around you right now.
I don’t know how to act.
”

“
K
iss and hold hands. Right?”

“
R
ight, but you make me dizzy being next to you.
I can’t concentrate. I’ve already read this page twice.” He looked at me soulfully and put his hand on my cheek.
He sighed and shook his head.
“I
n
ever want to lose you
.
You’re
my true love, my everything.”

“And you are mine.”
I
hugged
him
and moved onto his lap. “Please don’t shut down. We can’t go backwards now, but we can slow things down. I don’
t want nasty sex.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t want you. I love you.”

Manuel continued to hold me and kissed my forehead. “But, I need time now.
Making love is so a
wesome with you.
I made it required
…
pushed you
.”

“Please keep kissing
and
hugging me. We’ll work through this together
. We’ll
talk about it, okay?” I slowly moved him onto his back
on the floor of his room
and crawled on top of him. I put one of his hands under my shirt and felt his side
s
and chest with mine. Then I slowly kissed his lips and we started making out with our clothes on. It was wonderful and enough.